Stuck (still)

[Jennifer Now]

Allow me to reiterate a previous thread Ive recently posted here. I believe Ive finally figured out how to express my feelings.

I have a strong, overwhelming desire to CD. But Im against my desire to do so, and here's why:

I feel CDing is not an option for me. That its something I absolutely cannot partake of. I feel this way because the world revolving around me that I call my life is in total disagreement with my desire. Its something not allowable in my life. Based on more than the opinions of others. And, I have saught numerous professional counseling and guidance, and the most common answer Ive received is, "if it makes you happy and doesnt harm anyone, do it". But this answer is not helpful enough. What Im stuck with is this: if I cant change the world I call my life, and I cant change my desire, what should I do?

I understand this is a difficult question. But Im hoping someone here has experienced what Im going through. I just want to find some wisdom here. And please, I dont want an answer like "just do what you want" because that answer is not good enough for me. I need real, specific answers with this. Ive come to a crossroads in my life, and I dont know which way to go. Im lost in my emotion with no obvious or easy way out. And simply doing what I want just isnt the right answer for me.

(On a side note, I believe the reason I even have a desire to CD is because Ive never had any kind of female relationship in my life, outside of family. Ive never been on a date in my life. And I am a 100% virgin. So, I think I want to CD because I desire some kind of feminine presence in my life. But my self esteem is WAY to negative for that to happen anytime soon. Plus, since I have to live with my mother due to my recent Epilepsy diagnosis, dressing in private is impossible.)

[Michelle789]

Your desire to cross-dress will never go away. It will in fact only get stronger as you get older. It's a common misconception that cross-dressing is a selfish act. This perception comes from society not accepting CDing, and the fact the cross-dressers often need to cross-dress privately when no one's around, causing the possibility of interfering with responsibilities that need to get done. This is a myth. CDing harms no one and is perfectly okay for you to cross-dress, be it in private or going out in public. If you need to CD in private and have no desire to leave the house while dressed, that's totally ok. And yes, you can still take on responsibilities while dressed - e.g. you can pay the bills, work from home, clean the house. And you can watch TV, surf the internet, listen to music - anything you would normally do for fun and relaxation at home just do it while dressed, and worry about your responsibilities while not dressed.

Accept yourself. It's perfectly okay to cross-dress. There are thousands of members on this forum who will attest to that. I wish you the best in your journey. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or concerns :)

[Adriana Moretti]

. Ive come to a crossroads in my life, and I dont know which way to go. Im lost in my emotion with no obvious or easy way out. And simply doing what I want just isnt the right answer for me.




crossroad....that means there are two ways you can go......you already know the answer to this question.

[KayleeTaylor]

With professional help, only you are going to be able to figure out what is right for you to do. Why do you feel that your life cannot include crossdressing? What is the crossroad in your life that you have actually come to? Why is your life in disagreement with your desires and if that is true, you must be really unhappy. You really need to think about aligning your life with your desires and quit living the lie you seem to be stuck in.

:hugs:

Kaylee :)

[Jennifer Now]

crossroad....that means there are two ways you can go......you already know the answer to this question.

Two ways to go, yes. But which way is correct? Ignore my desires and pay more attention to my life? Or ignore my life and pay more attention to my desires? In my world, both are not possible. 1- because of poverty, and 2- because of my seizures.

To be specific, my current desires are CDing, becoming a pilot (flying), and exploring more of my generous side ( I LOVE helping people).

My current status in life is, Disabled with Epilepsy, recently lost my job because of my epilepsy (resigned after a month of suspension), and stuck living with my mother who also is about to lose her home.

[Bonnie Chan]

It sounds like you are looking for a way to suppress your desire to CD? Perhaps try keeping yourself busy with something else, like another hobbies? Just my 2 cents.

I'm also similar to you regarding never have had a relationship with girls before. I sometimes had a dream of dating girl I like and felt good with it. Maybe if you have a girlfriend your desire to CD might be lesser, or even go away.

[Jaylyn]

I noticed you live in Del Rio. I think if I was you I'd just go fishing at Amistad and think about it for a while..... Really I asked to be your friend. If you accept please visit me anytime and let's visit. Sometimes two can bear a problem easier than one and work out a solution. Also I do love fishing in your beautiful lake there.

[Jennifer Now]

It sounds like you are looking for a way to suppress your desire to CD? Perhaps try keeping yourself busy with something else, like another hobbies? Just my 2 cents.

I'm also similar to you regarding never have had a relationship with girls before. I sometimes had a dream of dating girl I like and felt good with it. Maybe if you have a girlfriend your desire to CD might be lesser, or even go away.

And I partially agree with that theory. But as I noted. My self esteem is way too low for me to want to start dating. Im EXTREMELY uncomfortable with myself. And for more than just my CD desires... maybe thats my biggest problem. I wont be myself because Im uncomfortable with myself.

[Michelle789]

Maybe if you have a girlfriend your desire to CD might be lesser, or even go away.

Your desire to CD will never go away. Having a girlfriend, or engaging in other hobbies, may cause you to repress it for a while, but your desire to CD will ultimately come back even stronger. Please don't repress it. Just accept it, and make the most out of it. Although it's difficult to find a CD-accepting girlfriend, they do exist, especially among the younger generation. You can also engage in other hobbies while cross-dressed too. You can also choose to leave the house while dressed too, this is not required - it really depends on you - but you may either CD at home or CD and go out somewhere. You can CD and still have a life. You need to find the balance that works well for you. And if you decide to leave the house, you can go clothes shopping, grocery shopping, and socialize while dressed too - once again no one here will force you to leave the house and no one here will force you to stay in the house - but both are acceptable paths.

[Jennifer Now]

You know what, I think I just answered my own question. I think my self esteem is the key issue here for my problems. I am very uncomfortable with myself. Im overweight, I cant get a date with anyone, I have two very close friends, but we dont hang out very much anymore, I have a weak relationship with my father, on and on and on. I even have difficulty looking at my own reflection.

I cant accept myself. Which I now think is why I cant accept my CD desires.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Hi Jennifer,

Live can be very difficult sometimes and it sounds like you are having to deal with more problems than many of us here. You have the real advantage of being young and you have time on your side in that things can get better in the future. I suggest you identify your strengths and work to develop them. Find what you like to do and do it better than most other people. It sounds like your mother needs all the help see can get so work the best you can to help her in some way. Try to find a job you can do from home if you can. Cleaning houses or dog sitting (very cute pooch in your avatar BTW) or something. Easier said than done I know but worth trying.

As mentioned, the desire to CD will not go away. If you can find a way to do it in private that can work fine and has for a lot of us here for many of our younger years. If you can get your mother to understand and allow CD'ing then even better but that can be a formidable obstacle for most mothers to deal with, only you can determine that.

Our thoughts are with you. Never give up just keep trying to improve things in small steps if needed.

Hugs,
Stephanie

[Jenniferathome]

Jennifer, cross dressing is not related to females in your life. It is not related to sex. It just is.

What strikes me most in your post is that you have sought professional help and input but are choosing to deny that very advice. Why? The simple truth is that cross dressing does not harm anyone. But, you can always take a monastic approach and "punish" yourself by not dressing. Sort of like sleeping on a board or fasting. But why do it?

[Karren H]

And I partially agree with that theory. But as I noted. My self esteem is way too low for me to want to start dating. Im EXTREMELY uncomfortable with myself. And for more than just my CD desires... maybe thats my biggest problem. I wont be myself because Im uncomfortable with myself.

I don't think that your problem is crossdressing.... it not being comfortable in who you are or who you want to be.... Personally I can't even imagine how that feels..... bit what baffles me is your against crossdressing yet you have taken a female user name?

[Adriana Moretti]

i found that cross dressing actually helps with self esteem....if you take good care of yourself, workout,diet etc..you feel BETTER about yourself...no matter what mode you are in....male or female

[sandra-leigh]

The moment that I realized that I was a cross-dresser was also the moment that I realized that I wanted to wear the clothes outside where other people could see. Either then or quite soon thereafter, I thought specifically about how people would be likely to put me down for wearing the clothes, but recalled how random people were already insulting me, and decided "Since they are going to treat me that way anyhow, I might as well do what I want and give them a reason to treat me like that."

I quite expected that when I went out dressed, I would get mocked, insulted, perhaps yelled at a bit, and so on. But I did it anyhow.

But what happened was that the great majority of people couldn't be bothered. Early on, I did get a small number of annoying people. Notice I said "annoying". Not threatening. Like someone doubling back specifically to say in song-song, "I know your secret!". These days, it's just not an issue; I am "background" to most people, just like everyone else who is not a threat.

I can't promise you that no-one will be offended if you dress. I would be lying if I said that it was just no longer the case that cross-dresser's lives were "ruined" when it found out that they dressed. But I can say that even in Texas, most people would just leave you alone.

[Jennifer Now]

Alright... heres the biggest detail Ive left out.
I am a MAJOR mama's boy. Granted, Im an adult. But my mothers thoughts and opinions are VERY important to me. And, both my mother and I are Apostolic Christians.

Now, when I came out to my mother, she was immediately disgusted with me, and voiced her disagreement too. She's the type of person who has the attitude of "you're gonna burn in hell for commiting that sin!" Although she'd never specifically say those exact words. What she's said to me is, "that's not of God."

So, my problem here is not so much that Im trying to avoid CDing. I want to CD, badly. Its that my mother has a strong effect over my life. And, even though Im 25, I still have that childish feeling of "if mommy doesnt approve, then I cant have/do that thing I want".

Thats the world I feel I cant change. That Im on my own because my mother is unsupportive in this area of my life.

(And in truth, Ive already asked this question several times on this forum.)

[Wildaboutheels]

"Crossdressing is considered a major form of lust, which is a bad sin in my religion. I want to crossdress so bad, but because I don't have money, because I'm afraid of the possible risks, and because of my religion, I'm too terrified to start."

The conclusion ^^^ of YOUR very first post here. [at CD.com]

"Thank you all for your wisdom. Honestly I think my CD desires are purely sexual.Once I pleasure myself, I lose all interest. But only temporarily. Is that normal?"

YOUR very second post here. ^^^

Of course you ARE stuck. Neither you nor anyone else here can fight Mother Nature. EVOLUTION - Having Os and finding some method to enable them. Quite simply, the more Os a MAN has, the greater the chance to father children and carry on his own genes. Your admitted poor self esteem only exacerbates the problem.

A simple "solution" to your desire would be to have some of your male anatomy removed and/or transition. A better solution would be to improve your self esteem. There are many ways to do this.

You are only 25 for goodness sakes. YOU need to take control of YOUR life.

[Beverley Sims]

You need to take professional advice and heed it, carefully and slowly, sever your mother's grip on you and look at your spiritual beliefs in a more pragmatic way.

Yes I am saying what is said in post #17, using different vocabulary.

[Talisker]

Since you want to ignore the professional advice you have already been given and instead rely on random people on the internet, here goes:

Your a big boy now and dont need your mums permission or approval. Try CD.
If you like it, keep doing it. If you dont like it, dont do it again.
This approach also works for other things in life as well.

[kimdl93]

Here's a thought. Why not get out of the house and meet some women your age. I realize that epilepsy can be debilitating and limiting. Still, there may be opportunities. For example, are there support groups in your area for people with epilepsy? That or other structured events may give you an opportunity to build a network of friends and perhaps to meet women who have similar life challenges.

[LaraPeterson]

Jennifer, I hate to throw fuel on a fire, but if you are truly epileptic, you can forget getting your pilot's license. Ain't gonna happen. Why'd I say that to you when you're already hurting. To follow it up by saying--stop trying to change the things you can't change. Take the very good advice you've been given here already and just be yourself. If your desire to CD is a strong as it sounds, go on and do it. Face the music.

Until and unless you get out from under you mom's control (I'm not suggesting that your mom is a bad person, by the way) you're not going to be able to express yourself as you want to. Take Jaylyn up on her offer to be your friend--IN PERSON. It doesn't get any better than that.