By the way, why didn't you tell her? Shame.

[mykell]

after my reveal many showed support which i was very grateful for, but one asked this question.
a very wise person recently asked me this, "By the way, why didn't you tell her? Shame." so why?
why do we hide it ?

for me was shame,
the amount of time that had passed,
i have a son now.
i was a coward.

[Beverley Sims]

I don't think it is shame, to not tell her.
Sometimes I think it is very wise.
The person asking that question was not wise in my opinion.

I do not lie to my wife, I just don't give her all the details.
I think that is wise. :)

[Wildaboutheels]

"a very wise person recently asked me this, weather you told, or not, why?"

^^^ hardly WISE IMO. Closed Minded is far more accurate.

FACT: Some people live in the RW. Obviously many folks don't. One can claim [till the cows come home] that not telling someone something is "LYING".

I know I should not, but I can't help that I feel sorry for folks who think like this.

Yes. SOME folks need to tell. And SOME folks should tell. If Your CDing is making you and/or any Loved ones miserable, it's a No Brainer.

[Jaylyn]

I don't know the only thing I don't tell my wife is what I got her for Christmas or her birthday. We actually don't keep our deepest secrets from each other and it seems to be working perfectly. By telling each other every thing has sure made the things we do and feel a lot more pleasant. Sometimes it's hard though telling her I bought another fishing pole or hunting equipment and even a new pair of heels, but I tell her always that way there are no surprises in the marriage. Now the older I get I think that being upfront with every thing has been the wiser choice.

[GiannaD]

a very wise person recently asked me this, "By the way, why didn't you tell her? Shame." so why?
why do we hide it ?

for me was shame,
the amount of time that had passed,
i have a son now.
i was a coward.

Sorry Mikell, I'm calling BS on this one! "I was a coward", oh no son, what you did took more courage than most people can summons!

[Jessica Keys]

Yes, that has come up on here before...for some it is the right thing to do and we hope it works out for them.
By telling do you think it will give you a "automatic pass" to dress?
For myself...why would I want to place that burden on someone I love just to clear my own conscious.
I have lived with this all my life and the desire is waning as I grow older.
I am more happy with my decision then ever.

[JocelynJames]

I didn't tell my SO until 5 yrs. into marriage. I was ashamed but also in a bit of denial. I see a lot on here in there 40s and I think something happens around then that makes you not want to have regrets and still not want to live a lie any more. My SO was supportive, then confused, then indifferent , but now I'm happy to say supportive . Every situation IS different and I think we should all remember that. JJ

[Steph_CD_62]

I did tell my current wife with in a week of meeting her. Didn't want to keep that part of me a secret from her.

[MsVal]

Disclosure is often very dangerous to a relationship. It is something that should be done only after concluding that it is worth the risk.

According to many on this board, the urge to crossdress comes and goes over time. By some accounts, it may lay dormant for months or years. With such a fickle condition, a reasonable person may believe it will go away again and perhaps not come back.

If a person believes that disclosure will be harmful to an otherwise good relationship and also believes that the urge will fade away, it seems reasonable to put off disclosure until the urges fade and disclosure is immaterial.

[Karren H]

It was shame 30 years ago.... and being afraid of loosing her and being labeled a pervert.... I never ever planned on her finding out..... my stupidity she did.... She didn't sign up for this.... I wouldn't blame her one bit if she kicked me to the curb and left... Now days things are different.... I'd still be a pervert but I just wouldn't care what people label me as... lol

[Kate Simmons]

Initially it was because of our religion mostly. Once I got away from that, being honest mostly with myself and everyone else became much easier.:)

[CONSUELO]

I told before marriage but it wasn't enough. Everyone also has to understand. The problem was that beyond saying that I was a transvestite, I did not really understand what it was and where it would lead. This was before the days of the Internet and information about fetishistic cross dressing was very sparse and hard to find. That is why I like this forum, and other venues, where people who feel this way can explore it thoroughly and understand themselves before facing some of the big decisions in life. It is so important . The same comment applies to all aspects of an individual's sexuality. Many people in this world think it better to keep such things covered up and just try to force others into a common way of behaving, but we all know where that ends.

How many members of this forum have said to themselves -"I wish that I knew what being a cross dresser meant long ago when I was young" If we can come to know ourselves it is so powerful.

[reb.femme]

My dressing started very much from a fetish angle, but slowly developed over the many years. How to tell your wife you like her clothes for a gentleman's solo event? It was only in the last few years I felt a greater urge toward dressing and so after finding this site, I decided to tell my wife. This month we have been together 40 years, out to my wife for almost 2 years.

I had to weigh up if I was prepared to lose everything. I'm happy she knows now but it was a big, big risk. This is a very individual situation and decision for each of us.

Rebecca

[Katey888]

Mikell, I don't believe you have been a coward.
Those of us who choose to bear the burden of 'shame' do so largely for not wanting to cause unnecessary pain to our SOs - or so I believe.
Everyone has a choice as to how much they tell their SOs about anything - and you have now opted for the highest risk route which requires the most courage. For that I admire you.
Katey x

[Tracii G]

You owned up to it how is that being a coward?
I can understand the reasons why people don't come out but I don't consider it lying at all.
Being caught in the act by your SO then making up some lame story that is lying.
There are things I have done in my past that my kids and two ex wives don't know about, am I lying by not telling them?.....No they don't need to know.

[kendra_gurl]

There are things I have done in my past that my kids and two ex wives don't know about, am I lying by not telling them?.....No they don't need to know.

ExatlyTraci:
And I will say there are certainly things my wife, kids, grandkids, and parents have done in their lives that I don't need or want to know.

Deliberately saying X when you mean Y or denying something you have done when caught is wrong, but failing to tell your buddies at the bar that your girdle is killing you is not wise.

[jilliannichols]

anyone else thnk it was something they were over and have it (cding) come back after marriage?didn't work out for me but were other issues also

[(Sara)]

I don't think it is shame, to not tell her.
Sometimes I think it is very wise.
The person asking that question was not wise in my opinion.

I do not lie to my wife, I just don't give her all the details.
I think that is wise. :)

I am not one to judge how you live your life, but I feel like that is not a very good attitude at all. If it is agreed that is how it is going to be in your relationship, fair enough but it comes across as if you are saying, as long as you're not lying to her face directly, you can simply do as you please. I'm sure anyone in a relationship expects their love is genuine and doesn't hide significant parts of their life and would be very upset if their spouse had thought in that way.

[Jenniferathome]

Shame keeps us in hiding. Courage allows us to come out.

[NikiMichelle]

I came out to my wife of 37 years exactly 13 years ago...why did it take so long?

Fear of losing her and all the good in my life;

Not accepting myself for who/what I am;

Shame

It was very hard to come out to her as I also knew it would hurt her.

Countering all that I knew we had and still do have a very strong marriage so that won me over to have the strength to come out...

I probably should have done it earlier and I should ask her if it would have made a difference had I done it earlier...

[Beverley Sims]

Sara,
It is good that you commented on my post,
It shows an alternative thought and adds balance to the conversation.

Yes we all have our own moral standards and all around the world they are quite different.

I also point out that interpretation of other peoples posts can vary widely also. :)

[AnnieMac]

Before I comment, I will admit I have never told anyone, but will dress as completely and as often as situations will allow. But sometimes I think this forum gives us a false sense of security, since we are all of like minds here. We may feel like there are many of us when we are on this forum, when actually in the real word we are probably few. Comments on the forum often make you feel that once you have told your wife or significant other, everything will turn out great, when I am sure many folks have messed up a few lives severely by their disclosure.
My advice before anyone takes such a significant step as "coming out"is, that they step away from these forum for a few days or so, think about it with a sense of perspective.
Would I love it if I could just be totally excepted, no issues at all with my make-up, dress an panty wearing? Sure I would. But I am personally not ready to make that step yet. That being said, I wish total happiness and congratulations to my girlfriends here that have!

[Tina_gm]

Mikell, those are such typical reasons for all of us, myself included. I am not going to join in on the semantics of whether or not omission is lying. It is what it is. you, me, many of us did not tell. I will admit that yes, I did lie. My then future wife asked me shortly after we got engaged, is there anything you haven't told me. "Nope, what you see is what you get." Not exactly true now was it, even though at the time I was not actively CDing. But I wanted to. I knew I was different.

While all of the reasons we do not tell are valid in that it protects US. It does nothing for them, and when the time comes when we do tell, or are discovered, those valid reasons for US do not do much to take away THEIR pain, confusion, and the resulting trust issues. Mikell, I commend you on your decision to end the *insert term* and tell her. It was brave of you to do this. If it wasn't a hard thing to do, it wouldn't have been a brave thing to do. One day she may have discovered. Go long enough, and the chances are that it will get discovered just get higher and higher. That only compounds the situation much further, and makes all the more difficult to repair. Life may be hard for a while, but was it ever easy with all of the hiding that was done? the constant effort it takes to keep the secret?

[Nadine Spirit]

I think most folks do not tell due to fear. But they harm themselves because the fear does not dissipate, it grows. Over time it does not become easier, it actually becomes harder and the complications increase.

My wife and I were just discussing this topic this morning and we could not imagine living a life so separated from each other. It is still my assertion that the lack of honesty is far more damaging to any relationship than cross dressing ever would be.

So Mikell, good for you for coming forward.

Oh and no people, I don't think you need nor should be honest with everybody you ever meet, but your SO, yeah I think that honesty and trust are pretty basic components of that type of relationship. To me, all of the justifications for not being honest are pretty funny and sad.

[Lorileah]

I think this forum gives us a false sense of security, since we are all of like minds here. We may feel like there are many of us when we are on this forum, when actually in the real word we are probably few. Comments on the forum often make you feel that once you have told your wife or significant other, everything will turn out great,

Oh my young friend you will learn that this isn't even close to true. Maybe half the people here get the thumbs up, the other half go through hell

[sometimes_miss]

why do we hide it ?
I really thought that I had 'beaten' it; when in healthy loving relationships, I didn't experience any desire to crossdress, or so I thought. I was probably just suppressing it, though unaware of that at the time. So I didn't think I would have any crossdressing in my future, and so I didn't think it important to tell her. No one tells their mate everything; we leave out that which we feel insignificant, which was how I felt at the time. In retrospect, I was incorrect, but had I not lost my job, causing the rest of my life to go into turmoil, things may have worked out differently. We'll never know.

[Jenniferathome]

Oh my young friend you will learn that this isn't even close to true. Maybe half the people here get the thumbs up, the other half go through hell

Lorileah, I can't let this one go. Your 50/50 comment intimates that ONLY cross dressing was the issue. We both know that cross dressing is never the issue alone. Maybe 50% do go through hell, but they have one foot in hell before they came out.

[Tina_gm]

Jennifer, while I tend to agree with you far more than not, I do believe that an otherwise good marriage can turn south with just CDing. A lot of variables to this about the CDing. How long was it kept hidden, how far does the CDer want/need to go with it. Some women, although overall good women with good hearts just cannot grasp any gender variance. Most can I am sure, so long as their CD s/o puts her 1st and doesn't jump straight into the deep end with it. Just about every marriage and relationship has some difficulties. We are human therefore flawed. Put two people together and you have two sets of flaws combined. The good has to overcome the bad to make a relationship or marriage work well. Most will need some work here and there, tune ups, and sometimes major overhauls. That is just life. Throw in the CD wrench though and even good working marriages and relationships will get put to the test. Most can come through when both parties are willing to work and compromise.

[Helen Grandeis]

I would say far less than half give the thumbs up.

[Tina_gm]

As far as the thumbs up thumbs down. Its probably often not a straight up or down call either. GG's are unique, and some will find certain aspects of CDing tolerable or even likable while other things are too much or uncomfortable for them. My wife does not mind the shaving, but does not want to see me dressed. I have seen other comments where the wife or GF was ok with dressing but not shaving. So many variables to it all....

[dominique]

Basically it was the fear of loosing her.