Told her and now seeking help.

[MelodyS.]

I met someone online a little over 3 months ago. We made a deal that if things were still going the way they were that I would drive down to where she lives and get to see how we are in person.

Things were great, I went down there and she gave me the best 29 hours of my life. I was in a happy place for the very first time. The only thing that was holding back, was that I could not complete with her sexually. I was able to have her complete and she said it was great, she thought it was her, that she was not attractive to me. I had a feeling what the real problem was that I was holding back telling her that I crossdress. It was hard to do and there were a lot of tears leading up to it, but I told her. Her reaction was one of rage, she did not lash out at me or anything, but she did insist on me taking her home.

I drove home the next morning after a night of little to no sleep. We have talked since then and this has pushed me to seek professional help, not just for my crossdressing, but for other personal issues that I have as well, such as depression.

She has told me that because of the fact that I took away her option of letting her fall in love with me without knowing as well as the fact that she does not know if she can get passed the dressing that we can only be friends. While I am hurt about that, I do not want to lose her friendship, but at the same time, now that she knows I want to be able to talk to her about my dressing but afraid of pushing her away by doing so.

My appointment with the therapist is a month away, I keep struggling with fighting the urge to dress. She does not want to see pictures of me dressed (I thought that it may help her become more comfortable with me) but at the same time she has shared in some jokes about my dressing. She lets me vent to her which I appreciate.

It is selfish of me to want more out of my relationship with her, but I love her so much I fear losing her at the same time.

I did tell her my rules for dressing which are:
1. I always go all the way dressed, never partially. Nothing worng with those that do, I just feel that when I do it, I feel best when I can do an entire makeover on myself.
2. I never dress on a night in which I have to go to work the next day, due to me wanting the makeup off of my face completely.

I have not dressed since I met her and I am keeping the facial hair on me to help cut down the urge.

Sorry if I am all over the place with this post, just at this time hard for me to put all of my thoughts together and make them make sense in a proper order, just kind of going with the flow of getting everything out at once.

[natalie edwards]

Well I would say slow down and take a deep breath. Now think about what you're saying. You've known each online for only 3 months. You hooked up but you didn't climax. Told her your deepest secret and she wanted no part of it.
And...you love her? Sounds like you loved the idea of having/being with someone, but to me it doesn't sound like she is the one. Have you been single so long that you put too much hope into this relationship?
Being friends is ok if you can deal with her talking about the next guy she meets. Can you? Only you can answer that. Not expecting you to answer here. Will this freindship hold you back from meeting someone better for you? And please don't think that remaining friends will somehow make her accepting and wanting relationship.

[kimdl93]

The question should be redirected....do you want to be friends with someone who is unable or unwilling to accept you as you are...that sees this as a deficiency in you. From what you've described, you're barely in a relationship, and it's way too soon for anyone should talk about love. If you're feeling so guilty about yourself that you were 'inhibited' in some way, then you need therapy to learn to accept yourself, not to subordinate yourself to someone else's unaccepting standards.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Melody;

Why give up so soon ? It's clear she is giving you a chance even as friends. No one EVER reveals all in the first 3 months, give the two of you time. Woo (what a cute archaic term loaded with romance) her if you want to, it's better to start as friends and build , then it is to make it a issue. On top of that if you are over 35, then a little 'performance' anxiety is NORMAL.

[devida]

I had to read your post a few times to make sure I understood.

You have only spent 29 hours with this person. I don't count online since online is not actually being with a person. It is being with their story of themselves and you putting forward your story of yourself.

You could not climax. She did but felt so insecure that you did not that she thought you did not find her attractive.

You decided the only possible reason you could not climax was because of your deep dark secret that you cross dress. You told her that.

She was so freaked out by your cross dressing that she immediately terminated the encounter.

Do I have that right?

Now you have, at some psychological cost to yourself, abstained from cross dressing and possibly set up an appointment with a therapist so that you could
somehow continue the relationship (which was very clearly not one in which you were sexually compatible with this person) in the hope that by denying who you are you could somehow become the type of person she might actually want to have an intimate relationship with (once you have changed enough for her to be able to accept you).

Really?

Why not take no for an answer and find someone who likes you for the person you happen to be?

You know one of the keys to dealing with depression is learning to accept ourselves as we actually are, right now, right at this moment, not accepting the person we will be when, finally , we work out all our problems and become that wonderful person who just glides happily through life.

That does mean that we need to be with people who accept us for who we are, right now, not who we promise we will become.

This sounds awfully like a relationship that is designed to make you feel sad rather than one in which you can discover happiness and contentment.

Are you really sure this is not only what you want but also what will help to resolve your problems?

[Tracii G]

You have been with her one time and you are in love?
Time to back up here and slow down.
If she just wants to be friends then just be friends and leave it at that, keep looking for one that will accept you.

[Alice Torn]

Having been single all my 59 years, and not dating since i started really getting into dressing, I can understand , that out of long time lonliness, you want this lady, and hope there is hope for compromise on dressing. I have been rejected by everyu single gal i have told about my dressing, so, i am not really trying to make friends much anymore. I am too low income to attract a lady, anyhow. I cannot give you any great advice, as i am not in your shoes, but, accept things if she is not A right one, and if she becomes willing to compromise on your dressing, maybe just be friends- BUT NO SEX, as Roy Masters would tell.

[Jenniferathome]

Melody, you two barely know each other. You're not even dating. I think you gave her as much heads up as anyone can. Her response of rage is really strange. It's fine if she's turned off by it but rage? That's really weird. You both have very little invested. Continue to talk to her and maybe she'll come around but maybe she is not the one....

[Rachelakld]

Hi Melody,
not sure how old you are (young would be my guess at your post).
From an engineering point of view - any idea what happens when you over tighten bolts? while it may seem secure - it's actually broken and someone will get hurt.
Point being, over tighten this relationship, both you and this girl you say you LOVE so much are going to be badly hurt.

[LaraPeterson]

Melody, I think Devida nailed it with her review and then responded, "Really." I'll add "Seriously." If you are truly a person with an interest in things femme, why in the world would you want to be with someone who goes ballistic the very first time you reveal your desire.

You might, in fact, need counseling. More than that, you should find a quiet place to contemplate your own future. If your therapist is worth their salt, they will listen to your story and tell you to not hide behind a beard. Try hard just to be yourself and enjoy who are already are. I'm willing to bet you are a kind and gentle soul with a lot to offer someone who can love you just as you are.

[Katie_Did GG]

When you say you are resisting the urge to dress are you saying you are resisting because you want a relationship with this woman or because you do not want to dress??

Growing a beard seems to be a common theme for those wishing to diminish the urge to dress. Was the beard your idea to help you not dress? Or perhaps she mentioned she likes facial hair?

Rage is an extreme reaction to your disclosure Melody. She told you that by withholding this information you took away her choice on whether to fall in love with you. *sigh* Sweetie she cannot love you if she does not fully know you any more than you can love her yet. I know you feel you love her. And I imagine it is painful to hear all of us tell you that this cannot be love. Please know this comes from a place of compassion and not some desire to hurt or discourage you in your search for love and acceptance.

I [and I have to believe all of us here] understand how easy it could be to think you love someone you chat with on-line, but it is so easy to become what someone else wants like that. We are searching for all those things we have in common. We want to feel we are star crossed lovers destined to meet and fall in love. But love takes time. And as others have surely pointed out before how can we love someone else if we cannot love ourself first?

You sound so very confused about your dressing and I can understand wanting someone in RL [real life] to confide in but do you really think you can find your answers talking with someone who had such a violent reaction to just hearing you dress?

Keep talking hun. There are many wonderful people here who have been where you are now or in situations similar enough to understand. I just don't think you'll find much compassion or understanding with your new friend.

I hope you can take my words in the way I mean them, with kindness. Take what you can use and let the rest go. I am sorry for your pain. I wish you the best and I hope you don't settle for less than the best life has to offer you Melody.

hugs,
Katie

[Beverley Sims]

Having found another interest it is natural for your dressing to go into hiatus.
It does mess with your brain somewhat and until you sort that one out you will be in a state of confusion.
You need acceptance from her for this to work and see what therapy has to offer as well.

[MelodyS.]

I have read everything and will respond better when I get home from work, thank you all for replying. I feel a little bit better and should explain her "rage" just a bit better. Rage was more powerful word than I thought it was.

[Briana90802]

It's not my job to go against the grain, but I tend to think that if a person can't accept you for who you are then they really aren't good friends. I tend to notice that people are unhappy with their spouse because they can't change them into someone that they like. For example, if your BF beats you, don't be unhappy when you marry and the continue to do so. You knew it before and you can't change things that people don't want to change. Same thing, if she can't love you because she's too closed minded see past clothing then I say forget her. Would she still love you if you got into a car accident and were disfigured? If she can't accept you with what she thinks are "flaws" then that should be a warning sign to you that there will be bigger issues if there's a future.
Many people that say they are "open-minded" are, but to a point. They usually have a "Not in my backyard" attitude.

I think that if you are going to see a therapist for depression, then putting your dressing on hold will only make it worse due to anxiety.

[Tina_gm]

You guys communicated for 3 months online, then spent one day together, and now there is this whole in love stuff going on. That is not healthy for either of you to feel this way. And she is angry because you told her (before it truly got serious) about your CDing. You did fine telling her when you did, perhaps it could have been done online.... but I am not thinking you screwed that up here in anyway. It sounds to me like you guys are pushing for a relationship way too hard instead of one developing on its own. Slow everything down with her, stay friends with her if you wish, but I would not completely shelve the CDing for her. She will either accept it (with compromises) or not.

[sweetshauna]

Move on.

[MelodyS.]

I know a lot of you are saying to soon to use the love word, but I do feel that when talking to someone for over 5 to 7 hours a day everyday and sharing everything (except in my case in which I did not share everything) feelings do develop.

We both are at a place now where we are just friends, while I am not 100% ok with that, I would rather have her as a friend then not have her at all.

Regarding my use of the word rage, she was very upset, she thought I was gay, she did not get violent, and she feels terrible that she left me there after telling her something that she saw was hard for me to tell her. She feels now that she should have stayed and talked to me.

She has said that the combination of me not telling her everything before we met combined with the fact that she does not know that she can accept my dressing means we can not be more than friends, she herself does not know what the future holds, one day at a time basically.

She has become more comfortable with talking about it, she still is not fully comfortable enough to see pictures of me dressed and I will not push her to be. The last thing I want is for her to be the "bad" guy in this all. To me there is no bad guy. We both feel terrible about this and there are even times where she tells me she wished she did not know. This is all new to her, her only exposure to crossdressers were drag queens and movies that place us in a negative light. After she found up she did a search online for crossdressers and she saw a lot of sites that showed a more dirty side of us, but she did find ones that show us in a positive light as well.

As far as I go, a part of me wants to more understand why I dress, I do feel that I need a pause in doing so, I have not dressed in over 5 months, while the desire is still with me, until I talk to a therapist in Feb. I am going to hold off, to help me hold off I will be keeping my facial hair.

Once again I do thank you all on here for your input, it means a lot to me. I have taken a lot said to heart and have done some self analyzing and the only thing I can come with at this moment is to continue with my pause until I see what the therapist says. A pause in dressing does not mean I am stopping, if I decide to stop, I feel that I have a very long road ahead of me.