Lack of guts

[Tracii G]

There have been lots of CD/marriage threads lately and I have a question.

Are any of you not afraid of your wives?
I understand the problems you face kids,finances,having to deal with possible divorce
And having to split assests due to divorce all that stuff.
Its tough I know been there done that but why is it very few man up and do whats best for you?
You know the marriage is pretty much done if she has problems with what you do.
Why stay in the relationship and suffer and make your life and hers a living hell?
Slam me if you want I expect it but why can't you stand up and deal with it like a man?
Tell it like it is maybe your SO would respect your decision and in turn you as a person for taking a stand.

[Kate Simmons]

You are right Tracii but sometimes it's tough to "man up" if you are wearing panties and a bra. Seriously though, I did tell my wife this is what i wanted to do and the result was her leaving me. I did wait until the kids had basically grown and flown though as it was about more than just myself. Most of us eventually have to make that decision sooner or later though. :)

[JenniferR771]

Oh yeah. Ms is controlling, domineering, smart and very organized. Dislikes my cding very much. Last night she threatened to kick me out because she caught me shaving in the shower (shaving my chest). Both hairs. The anger happens often. But it doesn't last long. The house is clean and organized and her checkbook always balances. She worries if I am late and I worry about her;we make it work.

[AllieSF]

I understand where you are coming from. I also agree that many here who share their not so pleasant experiences about coming out seem to have come out with their tale between their legs and seem to put themselves in a very weak position of asking permission to be themselves. I would not want to see people come out to a loved one and state in an "in your face' manner that they should take it or we are done. I do think that one should try to portray their dressing in a positive manner, something that they have little control over and that it is a significant part of them that is just one more personal thing that makes them who they are and who the SO fell in love with and still loves and cares for. Maybe we could call it "taking a stand softly". It seems that so many are worried about being labeled gay, wanting to become a woman and maybe eventually wanting a man. They seem to be the first questions out of the SO's mouth. But those are not necessarily the most important questions to her. The more important questions would be ones that may reflect on her own insecurities, some valid and some not. How to deal with the children, close family and friends, neighbors, etc. are those issues that will affect her on a daily basis as she goes about her regular life.

That being said, there are many reasons not to take a strong stand. Probably most of the cases are where even if there are the typical marriage issues, they are still in love and want to continue with their SO forever if possible. Therefore, based on all the typical and very acceptable reasons, by taking a weak position they are trying to mitigate the very potential negative backlash of coming out. I am not talking about a marriage that probably should end anyway, but ones that could and should endure.

I do not think that they are afraid of their wives, but rather fear the potential negative results of the big reveal and whether both of them will be able to handle all that and still keep the relationship alive. Sometimes keeping that secret and not revealing is not such a burden as you describe, in that the person has learned how to deal with they obstacles of just "dealing with' the inconveniences of dressing when and how they can. For many people that works very well for them. However, if one really does suffer from a lack of freedom to dress more often, or from the uncertainty of being caught by the spouse, and that is reflecting outwardly to those around them causing them to suffer too, then, yes, they do need to and should deal with it
more directly.

[Karren H]

Its only a living hell if you make it a living hell.... personally my wife and I have a great relationship as long as I keep this out of her face.... which is fine by me... I don't really want her involved anyway.... her taste in womens clothes sucks! lol So getting her involved would lead me down the path all you womens jeans wearers went! Basically you deal with the cards that are dealt you.... the best you can.... throwing my arms up and chucking everything is not an option... I'm an engineer.... I can fix anything!!

[Talisker]

Not sure its a lack of guts or lack of confidence lots of folks seem to have e.g no confidence that you will ever find anyone else or be able to rebuild your life. My SO knows about CDing and we both know that if we piss the other off too much they will walk.

All this religion seems to cause many problems in the US as well. Glad we got over that and exported it to you instead :)

[RADER]

My first wife threw me under the bus when she found out my desires to wear female clothes.
I was single for almost 15 years; My X kept taking me back to Court twice a year. All for stupid
things. Maybe thats why I kept single for so long. I just did not want to jump back into a fire.
I met my new wife an a blind date, I brought up the subject in a off beaten track by saying
that I wished I had a dress that some movie star was wearing on TV.
About a week later, on out 3 date, she asked me out of the blue if I had any dresses. I only
have a few skirts and tops. She then asked to see me in one, so I did, and the rest was history.
She did not mind me dressing, even suggested outfits for me to buy. The only rule was stay in
the house, do not embarrass her. I always kept my promise, and loved her to the end.
Rader

[Suzanne F]

It is true that we need to be who we are. I have only started to accept who I am, a transgendered person. However, I love my wife and I want to give her what she needs. I hope that is possible. I want to be the real me but does that mean I should be totally selfish? I desperately want to find balance. I am struggling so I can't seem to write it all down.
Hugs
Suzanne

[Darla Jean]

I think the answer to your question is straightforward...there are many factors that impact a relationship and crossdressing is just one. If I am willing to draw a line in the sand, dress or leave, then I guess I would have the guts, etc., to end the marriage relationship. But I've never found it that simple. Many things impact a relationship including your love and care for your spouse, children, finances, and on and on. We all seek compromise in relationships...as some other girls have written, that compromise may come in many forms that are peculiar to each relationship. I would love to get up in the morning, get out of my nightie, take a shower and put on a bra and panties...but that is not part of my compromise and I'm unwilling to change that simply for the ability to dress up. For others the line may be drawn in a different place. But I don't see this as having anything to do with guts or toughness...rather it has to do with compassion for the relationship and the need to find compromise as we do at various levels...

[Wynnsomcd]

I am not sure whether it is a lack of confidence or lack of guts. For me, I think, it is more from the idea that I really love my wife and don't want to upset her or her image of what our marriage is. I know it would be devastating to her. I don't know if she would leave or push me away. But it would definitely change our relationship. Whether that would be good or bad, I have no idea. But I think for the time being, I will continue dressing when I can and being a father and husband the rest of the time. That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

[Billie Jean]

My ex was ok with my dressing, she even did my makeup for me. The problem we had was she thought she should have a boyfriend and I didn't think so:D. Billie Jean

[Candice Mae]

My ex was okay with me dressing behind closed doors, but when my gender issues started to become apparent is when the relationship started to fall apart. She just couldn't handle the thought of me being a woman, She wanted kids and the "perfect" family. Things just were not the same after and from there we just drifted apart and eventually split up.

[Angie G]

One time my wife was dressing for fulling around and I told her the next time it was my turn. She told me not to get weird on her. A few years go by and I dressing infront of her 5 day a week. And she even helps with my dressing.:hugs:
Angie

[Katey888]

Interesting perspective Tracii:
- I'm not afraid of my wife - but I am afraid of causing her more pain than she already suffers (she has a debilitating illness that keeps her bedbound all but an hour a day) and because I can do what I do for only a few hours a week, there is no need for her to know.
- We would probably have other problems without this, but it's controllable for me and it's not a living hell for her (at least, not because of what I keep a secret) so why change that?
I wouldn't slam you or anyone for having an opinion - I'm with Voltaire on the; " I may disagree with what you say but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." Everyone's situation is different - and to me, life is entirely Faustian: it's all a pact with the devil, we just have different devils :devil:
And sometimes, choosing to live with what's in you, and not just outing that because it makes it easy in some ways, is the harder way, but the right way for you.
Like your car, btw :battingeyelashes:
Katey x

[Rachael Leigh]

Traci I think I understand what you mean but for me this part of me is secondary to my relationship with my wife. No she's non accepting and I get it doesn't mean if she totally forbid me to dress would I give up. I will say Ive consider it as she has but the thing is all marriages face difficult issues and each person must deal with it or move on.
For now we just deal with my dressing I don't press her to get involved and for now she's not insisting we divorce.
It's very complicated

[Brynna M]

Some times "manning up" is accepting that you don't get everything you want and making a happy life with what you can achieve.

Crossdresing isn't the only thing in my life. Its not the only thing I want in my life. There is more to my relationship than contention about crossdressing. There are some CDers who probably are in genuinely bad and punishing situations that should do something. Then there are some who don't get to dress as much or to the extent that they would like but are willing to make that trade for someone they love having in a lot of other areas of their life.

[emma30]

Well said! And im in your team lol Wynnsom that is

[kendra_gurl]

You know the marriage is pretty much done if she has problems with what you do.
Why stay in the relationship and suffer and make your life and hers a living hell?
.


I'm sure for some here their needs are strong enough they should take that advice. For a lot more of us our love of not only our wives but of our life with her is of far more importance than transitioning or dressing 24/7 or dressing a few times a week or only underdressing or whatever our individual needs are.

I told my wife years ago and it took guts to do so. I was not fearful of her. I was not afraid she would of divorce. I'd kept this from her for years and knew I would either stop or continue to just keep it from her before I would allow myself to lose her. I would take a bullet to save my wife in a heartbeat. She knows Kendra and accepts Kendra but if she asked me tonight to stop dressing I (for her sake) would try my best to stop or at least never allow her to see me as Kendra ever again. If you cannot say the same about your wife then you just might have more issues than your dressing that need attention.

Everyone has to judge their own needs and the effect it has on their loved one then decide what's best. As Karen said there are times when its best that the wife is not involved at all for those who know she would never want to be.

[Madeline80]

Add me to the very small list of those who are not afraid of their SO. There is no problem with me dressing every day, going out, whatever. Actually she is more liberal than me and I don't see myself at the level of going out in my own city.

She recently paid me a compliment unintentionally. When she got home one night I was dressed up and making dinner. She didn't say a word until I prompted her for some ctitique on my look. That is how normal and comfortable it has become.

It's easy for me to say, but I wish some SOs would put it in perspective and not make CDing the end of the world, or the relationship. Clothes and presentation are a very small part of life. I understand that switching genders is a much bigger deal and it is understandable that many wives cannot deal with it.

[franlee]

I have to say I care and respect her but I am not scared of her. If she don't love me for who I am(including my CDing) the door is the way to go.(Until a judge throws me out) I am considered understanding but Bullheaded. I will not be dictated to in my own home or marriage either. If she has a problem with what I do, we will discuss it and reason out why and deal with it, not necassarily me give it up. She does thing I aint crazy about but it is "HER" and I except it or we would not be together. At the end of the day we love each other for who we are, and that includes the quirps as well as the Greats. I don't own her so if she don't like it with me all I can say is make sure and get everything you want when you leave( there agian the judge could cause a little problem) because there wont be a next time.

[prettytoes]

I am not afraid of my wife in any way. I have respect for her and her feelings and I do not want to hurt her. She is not thrilled with my dressing in any way, but she knows that I am a much better person when I can express my feminine side. I only wear panties (bright colors and pretty patterns), I sleep in women's pajamas and chemises, I wear women's jeans, knee-high socks, hot pink sneakers when I'm on the treadmill, and I always wear a sports bra when I work out. She asked to not see me in a skirt or dress, and I respect that. I do have a closet full of skirts, tights, and some dresses...they are not hidden at all. I do not wear makeup, other than clear mascara. I try not to rub it in her face or push the boundries she requested. These limits are pretty easy for me to live with, considering how much I am able to express myself without creating tension or problems in our relationship.

It is not out of fear that I don't go cross these lines, it is out of love and respect. I consider myself pretty lucky to have a great wife!

[heatherdress]

Good question.

This is not a simple, "one approach is best", challenge that many of us face. Everyone is different, every situation is different. What is best for some is not best for someone else. We have spouses and significant others who are strong and weak (sorry to use that word), understanding and not understanding, accomodating and confrontational. Some have children and other family members to consider, some don't. Some have concerns about careers, neighborhoods, living accommodations, health and some don't. Some of us fully dress frequently, some occasionally wear under garments or footwear.

Maybe it is best to be non-confrontational or maybe it is best to address issues directly with our spouses and girl friends. So much depends on the specific situation. Maybe in some cases we are wrong to fearfully avoid addressing our woes, but for some of us, it might be smarter and more understanding and more loving to simply avoid a fight or hurting someone we love.

I guess we have to search our hearts, be honest with ourselves - and always try to do what we think is best for our loved ones and for ourselves.

[kimdl93]

I do not fear my present wife. We are a partnership built upon mutual respect. My relationship with with my first wife was good in many ways, but we married very young and both were less effective at communicating than we might have been. The relationship was further damaged by my inability to accept or really to even understand my gender issues. If anything my ex and my present wife both accepted me more than I accepted myself.

[GretchenJ]

Hi Tracii

I am not going to unload on you, could not do that to you anyway, but rather explain why I rather keep it a secret.
Like others have said, it's not a fear of telling my wife, as I think our marriage is strong enough to withstand it, but even in the best of circumstances, the family dynamic changes. For me, my other side, is totally personal, and bringing in my family into it, complicates it. Knowing my wife, she would try to be very supportive, but I also think that her engagement would embarrass me the all more.

Plus, as with more most marriages, when arguments come up, things get said that we don't really mean, but they still sting a bit. Really don't want it to be a sticking point.

Keeping my male and female side separate does not complicate the issue, so I choose to keep it that way. I have invoked my own rules, that I can definitely live with, and don't risk embarrassment to either my wife and family. These rules include not going out in the same area where we live, and just limit outing to when I am away. I do not flirt, will never cheat, and when I come home the clothes come away and my male side returns.

Don't know if this makes sense or not
Gretchen

[mikiSJ]

It is true that we need to be who we are. I have only started to accept who I am, a transgendered person. However, I love my wife and I want to give her what she needs. I hope that is possible. I want to be the real me but does that mean I should be totally selfish? I desperately want to find balance. I am struggling so I can't seem to write it all down.

Suzanne and I are friends and while I may be farther down the transition road, we are both in marriages we want to save. In my case, neither me or my wife is the dominant partner in the marriage, but yet, I am willing to string out my pain as far as possible so I do not hurt her. This is my issue and while it may create pain and anguish and ultimately result in our marriage being terminated, that is not my goal.

I told my wife of 38 years I CDed before we married - she accepted that. I told my wife I wanted to be out of the house last year - she accepted that. I told her last November I wanted to be a woman - she did not accepted that. Yet, we still share the same bed AND as of last week the same marriage counselor (who has great experience treating marriages similar to ours). It took me a long time to strike up the courage to bring up something that in its nature was a marriage destroyer. The courage was not because I felt like I would be humiliated or thrown out or whatever. It was required because I was about to put the future of two lives on the line. I told my wife because I sensed that she thought I was growing apart from her (I wasn't) but I could understand her needs and I needed to tell her she wasn't the problem.

Maybe there are guys here that live in fear of their wives. Maybe there are wives who delight in embarrassing their husbands and end up kicking them out of the house. Maybe some of these husbands do not have the inner strength to stand up to an abusive wife. So Tracii, why is this so disgusting for you. The posts you refer to are posts seeking help. They already get enough crap at home - they don't also need to be dumped on here.

You may want to drop in over at www.crossdresserswives.com and take a look at what some of the guys need to stand up against.

[Tracii G]

We all know it depends on the situation you are in.
I guess my point was stand your ground and don't give up on yourself because you deserve to be happy too.

[Tina_gm]

Tracii, I think with many marriages, it is because there is so much invested. Kids, jobs, homes, friends, families... I agree, at a certain point, we deserve to be happy and should be able to express whatever our needs are. There are plenty of ways to do this. I do not think a wife should be able to have the power to say no way no how at any point. (in other words even in private with her not around) But absolutely, there should be a lot of compromise on both sides to find a working middle ground.

[lingerieLiz]

My wife knew early in our relationship and before marriage long ago. Times were different back then and little known about CDing. She thought she could change me. Both of us loved each other. We have had our fights over the years. She doesn't mind some of it, but doesn't want to feel she is married to a woman. I understand her wishes and avoid being overly fem. It is easier today living in a casual lifestyle. While I wear fem jeans and tops. I don't try to appear as a woman. I know that I like being a guy and happen to like women's clothes but I'm not hooked on people being fooled or passing. While I do wear bras she would rather I not. Most of her issues are with what others will think and any embarrassment it will cause either of us.

Relations are a joint venture. Each has to want the other to feel good about being a part of it.

[docrobbysherry]

U may have something here, Tracii. American men r wimps compared to many foreign males.:sad:

My header sums up my situation with my ex. I wasn't afraid of her. Just hoping to avoid yet another long, senseless monologue from her. Over time, she just wore me down. It was easier to let her have her way than going down that same pointless verbal road of crap over every little thing!:doh:

Little did I know I was ruining our marriage. By the time I tried what our marriage therapist said, "Don't just keep sucking up your feelings, draw the line and tell her, "No", once in awhile." :eek:

When I tried that, I felt better about myself and us. But, she couldn't handle, "No", at that point. It was too late! And, we separated. Then, divorced.:straightface:

[Tracii G]

My two ex's said they wanted a man that would say no to them sometimes and not just say "yes dear" to everything.

[Lorileah]

I was never afraid of my wife (or GF) and maybe that is why I was able to be me around them and they accepted me. On the other hand I have been afraid of women in general for my whole life. Not afraid physically but afraid of what they would think of me...and that I would not have sex (:thinking: it didn't happen anyway so maybe i should not have been afraid)

[Beverley Sims]

Tracii,
I give my wife points out of ten for meals she cooks, tell her if she has not got the right fashion sense and we generally interact on all those issues.
Some say it's grounds for divorce the way we seem to interact with each other but we see no nastiness in it at all.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and also look at what is really happening on the other side.
You have to laugh at some reasoning in a marriages and say "Why can't they compromise?"

When my wife asks "What's on the TV?"

I reply, "Dust."

It helps life go round.

Life is too short to mess up a good marriage and a lot of others would be successful with a bit of give and take.

I am the master of my household, I am in charge.

My wife believes she is too, I let her think that.

It works for us. :)

[Sherrii]

It isn't only crossdressers with the wife problem. I have a good friend who has been married for 40 years and the last 10+ have been bad for him but he cannot afford to split. His wife bitches about any interest he has that may have him out and doing something. She bitches about friends or reletives who he may spend time with. His last year or two at work he worked a lot of over time and on his vacations she made him clean the basement or garage. From what he has told me it would be just fine with him if they split, they have seperate bedrooms and have had for years. Just a bitch and he is one of the nicest people I know. But they don't have a lot of money and if they split he would have to go back to work. He has worked all his life and would like to enjoy retirement now.They may split yet. X-dressers aren't the only people with wife problems.

[Amanda22]

Warning: vent coming... I think the root cause is fear of consequences. Until a person's need to be true to himself/herself is greater than that fear, they stay stuck. While stuck, they vent on this forum, which I suppose is temporarily helpful, but ultimately the problem is still there. It takes courage to come out to your spouse, friends, family, etc. This problem is psychological and not just within the CD community, of course. For example, I think we've all known people who whine endlessly about their lousy job but don't do a damned thing to find a better one. Enough! Change your situation. Have some self-respect. I visit this M2F forum less and less because of the lack of "manning up." Afraid to express your innermost feelings to the person you supposedly are closest to? Maybe you ought to look at your relationship first. Afraid to be "clocked" by a teenage girl in a mall? Afraid of what a sales associate might think? Really? Trust me, I was there myself a few years ago. I finally decided that I have this one life and g-damn it I'm going to do what I want to do. Everything comes with a price and unless you're willing to pay it, no one can help you. You gotta help yourself. Maybe it'd be helpful to imagine Vince Lombardi giving you a x-dressing pep talk. I find sometimes I need a kick in my ass to get my head straight. Fear is disabling. Man up and be honest with yourself and by extension with those you love.

[Tracii G]

Lots of truth in Amanda's post.

[Jenniferathome]

You know Tracii, I think the problem with manning up is that those who use the, "it will hurt my wife," excuse are actually half right. It will hurt their wife. She will be shocked. The problem is they then don't have to admit the second part of the issue which is: I'm afraid of the consequences.

What strikes me as odd is that everyone thinks they can hide it but everyone gets caught, eventually. Outting yourself is far better than being caught. Every woman who has chimed in on this point has agreed. Whether they approve or not. You can lead a horse to water....

[Tracii G]

What strikes me as odd is that everyone thinks they can hide it but everyone gets caught, eventually. Outting yourself is far better than being caught. Every woman who has chimed in on this point has agreed. Whether they approve or not.

I agree Jenifer wouldn't it make more sense to tell your SO the truth?

[Katey888]

Jennifer/Tracii - with voluntary versus involuntary outing, the outcome may not change, but the timing does. So for some: out now, divorce next year - out sometime in the future accidentally, divorce sometime +1... Some folk may consciously accept that as a reasonable strategy. :thinking:
Katey x

[Melissa in SE Tn]

It's easy to paint with a broad brush ! Just like Katey 888,
my wife has a major disease with corresponding & daily fear/ stress factors as a consequence. I have chosen to remain in the shadows NOT BECAUSE I don't have balls, but because the reveal could ultimately aggravate her medical condition. That is love ... not cowardice. Don't throw stones at houses with damaged windows.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Ah, one of the many things I love about it, there is so much irony in crossdressing :

Advice on this here CD forum to Male to Female crossdressers: Man Up you sissy

[Jenniferathome]

Melissa, I think this telling issue parallels losing weight. There is always a stress, always a party or holiday. There is always a reason why it is hard. That will never change.

I'll pass on something my wife said to me AFTER I came out to her. She said that she suspected something was going on. Couldn't quite nail it but even thought I may be gay and SHE was afraid if she confronted me, she might "push me over the edge." I always found that quite interesting in two ways. First, that she thought there was an edge and I was near it! Second, she suspected for a long time that "something" was going on. Women are just more observant than us. We think we hide things well, but my wife noticed that the hangers were backwards or out of order from when she put things away. It may be nebulous, but I think most women have a "sense."

[mykell]

i find the differences of opinion in these type of threads very amusing at times and other times infuriating,

as CDers i would think that for all arguments sake we of all people would realize the term "one size fits all" is total BS.
so what work for ones situation wont work for an-others,

respectfully with the issue of "lie VS truth" when in the hotel pool next to another guest would you want them to tell the truth if they had urinated in the pool while you were swimming or just continue to enjoy your swim? how about in the shower at the gym?
i just dont agree that everything is so black or white, their are shades of grey around the edges,we dont know everyones demons but we all have them.
its not a cookie cutter world to me....
MHO...

it was definitely easier loosing weight than telling my wife about this

[Teresa]

I have to agree with Allie only to add getting older your kids might have left but grandchildren have arrived and I couldn't live without them! Doing a break now would just put me in no-mans land, no friends, and no family. Cding is still with me and always will be and sometimes I curse the power of it because it still feels so good.

[PaulaQ]

It's really hard for me to imagine how, in a relatively intolerant world, where women mostly loathe the idea of cross dressing partners, and others often ridicule it, that someone who barely accepts their own CDing would be afraid to risk screwing up an otherwise happy marriage by telling their spouse about their CDing.

I mean, it's one thing if your marriage sucks AND you are afraid of your spouse's reaction. But if it's otherwise happy, fear seems warranted to me. That didn't stop me - and look how it ended up for me.

[Allison Chaynes]

Most of my thoughts have been covered, but I'll add that until you are comfortable with who you are yourself, and have some degree of understanding, it's pretty difficult to explain to someone else. How many here have started with something simple like a panty fetish that just grew over time?

[kendra_gurl]

Tracii also ask "Its tough I know been there done that but why is it very few man up and do whats best for you?".

Personally I think most of us actually do what we think is the best for us. Telling anyone anything about yourself is ultimately determined by you when YOU decide YOU need them to know.

I seriously doubt most married men the first time they tried on their wife's undies would say "honey when I got out of the shower this morning I though it would be fun to see what wearing your panties and bra would feel like so I tried them on and got so horny I just couldn't stop myself".

I doubt they would say that even after the tenth time of doing it over several months. The need to tell her is when one starts to become obsessed with trying them on.

How many times have we read where others have thought getting married would stop us from having the desire. You don't know your thoughts are wrong until after they turn out to be wrong. Many times years later.

This is when everyone decides for themselves if crossdressing is something they can live with continuing to hide or that THEY need the wife to know about.

In time almost all of us do finally tell them

[LaraPeterson]

I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but with a couple of terminal degrees I'm not the dullest either. Add to that my years of carrying various weaponry into some of the most dangerous places on earth and I'd say I don't have a problem "manning up." And, just in case there could be any question, I'm not afraid of anyone.

Traci, you apparently have little to no idea the problems some of us face with kids, finances, possible divorce and all the fallout. No fear doesn't equate to no brains. Maybe you are familiar with the term "measured response." Maybe not.

[Amanda22]

My interpretation of Tracii's initial post was that it was an invitation for self-examination. It is healthy to question our motives. The word that came into my mind as I read her post was "authenticity." This isn't just a topic reserved for CDers; it applies to any special relationship between two people. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable to another person; to say "this is me, all of me." Partners in a relationship do sense when something's being hidden. Please don't underestimate that. Someday, your SO will figure it out, and the chance to be transparent will be gone, along with trust and respect.

I "came out" to my wife almost 4 years ago. I nearly passed out while doing so. She was much more composed and she didn't know what "big thing" I was going to reveal! As you might guess, she already had an inkling. But she told me she was so happy I valued our relationship enough to make sure she knew everything about me. She was actually surprised that I thought I might lose her over this revelation. She asked me, "You couldn't possibly have thought I'd leave you, because I love you." I'm intentionally leaving out the specifics of what I stood to lose by coming out, because I don't think it matters in the end. We must all decide what we value most, whether it be money, a job, friends, or a relationship. Not everyone has the same set of values and no one is saying they're better than anyone else. This is an individual choice but one that must be very carefully considered.

To those keeping a secret, you have my understanding and sympathy.

[Tracii G]

Lara I have two grown daughters and two ex wives and yes I do know what fears some here have and the possibilities of action or inaction and what it can cause in the marriage.
I have lived thru all of that.
My point is to some stand up and don't be a lap dog and take all the guff off your SO. Work out an agreement that works for both but at least have your say in the matter.
To blindly agree to all her demands makes her lose respect for you.
I PM'd you on the other subjects you spoke of.
Again I mean no ill will towards anyone it was an observation on my part reading all those threads on this topic.

[bomba]

the anwser for me is simple.....my kids......they are my world,it would destroy them if my wife told them....and she has threatened so many times.but i have accepted my roll with her,i have no choise. but if im submissive why shouldnt my roll with her be that i obey her and do as im told.so far she has not exposed me to anyone,although i do feel so lonly. i wish she would show me more love

tracii have your wives exposed u to your girls.......i hav 3 boys and i know it would kill them inside. i hav been with my wife for 29 years,i started crossdressing about 20 years ago,she found out about 15 years ago.you could say im her lap dog now.....but it fits my submissive nature.but im lacking love from her now.now that my kids are grown,my youngest is off to the navy,i might start looking....it all seams so hard........by the way you are very beautiful....wish i could look half as good as you

gretchenj i was the same way.you are young.but i tell u now your wife WILL find out.....its just a matter of time.so prepare yourself....and good luk to you,u look so pretty in your pic i would never even believe your a crossdresser

you karen are an inspiration, you look sooo hot,and you seam to really have it together.i wish i could balance my fem side with my male side like you do.you are so cool.i find that your posts not only make me laugh, but they make me feel a little better inside.keep it up as i sooo look foward to your posts,and god bless u

[Sonia_cd]

Interesting questions Tracii and I don't know if I'm qualified to answer any of them considering I'm not married nor have I had to go through a divorce or separation.

On a broader level, I would feel the challenge isn't so much the real and practical issues that are to be faced but the more subtle emotional and psychological ones. Most of all the issue of any relationship being a sort of security blanket and comfort zone. Speaking for myself I would prefer to handle one set of challenges at a time and placed in that kind of situation I might look for a clean break rather than daily drudgery. But even as I type this I get the sense that the feeling of loneliness, the lack of support and comfort, the absence of companionship and the magnitude of the challenges on multiple levels would be overwhelming. Will I be able to safely see myself through all of those deeper psychological issues is the question; and it is that question that might cause me to seek a modicum of comfort in my immediate reality, no matter how warped and dysfunctional it might be.

Then there is the point of simply taking responsibility for the end of a relationship. A thinking, emotionally connected and spiritually evolved person may see that the end of a relationship isn't anyone's fault but merely the divergence of two souls, each having reached their natural conclusion in terms of time spent together. But inevitably, the end of a relationship becomes the about the apportioning of blame (no judgement on right or wrong) and I doubt any one person wants to willingly take the blame, especially when their inner voice says "you are not to blame for this". Far too many friends have always wanted to place blame on the other person, if only to alleviate their own sense of loss and hurt. And with nearly 80% of these friends I have seen that blame turns to resentment all too quickly.

I know I'm rambling at this point but what I'm really trying to do is find answers to pertinent questions that you have raised. Let me ask you this: the point of taking responsibility and dealing with one's challenges isn't limited to marriage issues but in fact is common to so many issues we all face on a daily basis. Whilst one would like to take each challenge head on and deal with it, wouldn't you say there are plenty of times we shy away from taking a stand? Wouldn't those reasons apply on a principle level to the issues that arise from a CD marriage as well?

My apologies for the long windedness of this post. It is more a stream of consciousness type post. Hope you understand :)

[Tracii G]

Sonia you make some valid points emotional stress does come into play along with physical part of the marriage.
Its up to each to deal with the best they can I suppose.
Bomba my first ex wife was not aware of my dressing and I kept it to myself.She knows now and has no problem with it and as far as I know has never mentioned it to our kids.
I raised both my girls on my own she gave them up.
My second ex wife knows because I came out to her a few years ago she was fine with it and actually was happy for me.
I will be having the talk with my youngest (30years old) in the next few days.I think she already knows to be honest but we will see.

[Amanda22]

I will be having the talk with my youngest (30years old) in the next few days.I think she already knows to be honest but we will see.

Tracii, it will go well. I'm rooting for you, though, either way.

[Tina_gm]

Tracii, I think a part of it as well is how much does the CDing mean to us? For some, they just cannot live without it. They might not be to the point of being TS, but they have a lot of gender variance to them. For them, they need to either stand up as you say, or find someone who is more accepting and is more able to suit the needs of someone who is far on the TG scale. Every once in a while, we see a thread or posts about someone who is in desperate need of being more fem, dressing more etc etc... but the wife or GF is not accepting etc etc. At that point, I would say that someone who needs that much just is not with the right person for them. If someone is going to stand up and say, I am going to do XYZ, and the S/O cannot handle that much.... It really is about how much the CDing and any gender variance really means to them, and what makes them happier, being together with their S/O or the CDing.

[JennyLynn]

Not worth it. I don't need to be "Jenny" so much of the time that I feel a need to tell my wife. I'm not a die hard dresser.

[kendra_gurl]

Tracii I am not slamming you as I don't know your situation. I will say that after reading your last post mentioning your first ex-wife and your second ex-wife that perhaps you do not have the same perspective on relationships as some of us married 45 years to our Highschool sweethearts do.
Hope things go well with your chat with kids.

Just sayin: :) Kendra

[Tracii G]

Kendra my first marriage was 15 years my second lasted 7 years.
Maybe I'm just too much of a loaner or just too independent to just let an SO run my life.
My first tried her best to run my life until I just had enough and her cheating was the last straw.At that point I said never again will I be a lap dog.
I gave my heart both times only to have it only mean nothing to them in the end.
Sharing one's life with someone you truly love has to be a truly incredible feeling and I'm glad some of you here have enjoyed such a marriage.
I guess my jaded outlook clouds my perceptions on how others should act.
For me it hurts to see a CD or TG male in a relationship get mentally abused by their SO because of who they are.
Best to let this thread die and get lost in the abyss.

[Aprilrain]

Traci I too Wonder the same thing, why do they stay?? I have to remember that I stayed married to a woman I couldn't stand for almost five years I didn't love her at all and yet I stayed, why? Partially "for the kids" partially out of delusional thinking, and partially because I didnt want to be seen as "the bad guy" I finally had enough of the BS and didn't care about that stuff anymore and also realized I wasn't doing my kids any favors by staying in an unhealthy relationship. I'll add that CDing had little to do with our relationship problems although my dening my true nature had a lot to do with it.




All this religion seems to cause many problems in the US as well. Glad we got over that and exported it to you instead :)

yeah, thanks a lot, real helpful... NOT!

[Ellie52]

Lets look at it from the wifes point of view and stop being selfish. When I look in the mirror as Ellie I see a pretty 52yr old. What does my wife see? Probably a pathetic example of a man she just happened to fall in love with. I am lucky and she accepts it and even embrases it to a degree, buying me clothes wigs etc to make me happy. What about her? What does she get out of me wearing womens clothes even if she has bought them for me? I am sure if she had the choice it wouldnt include me dressing but as stated she is OK with it because it makes me happy.
If your relationship is in trouble to start with then do as Tracii suggests but I couldnt imagine a life without my wife. I know one day we'll be seperated by death but that is the only thing that will break us up. 28 years and counting and I love her as much today as I did the day I married her...Ellie

[Alice B]

I am just like what Karren Hutton says, except for the jeans part.