therapy realization

[GabbiSophia]

Sooo .. first session back to therapy and she asks me about 3/4 of the way through the session. " Do you do anything that you want?" She asked this do to the fact that everything I do or 95% of everything is based on someone else or for someone else. Then she asked me what I want, what are my feelings and how do I meet them. WOW... yeah never looked at it that way ...but that's not fair when one of the main things you want is to be a woman and the next big thing is to not be a woman... sheesh

was it that way for anyone else? when you stopped and looked were you doing everything for everyone else?

first time in my understanding the situation that I realized that the want is really really big ..

someone asked if they liked being ts or tg or whatever label ... it sucks ..wait it is the biggest mind screw there is imo and having to deal with it makes me want to throw stuff.

[Megan G]

Yes my therapist asked the same question to me just worded a little differently. It made me realize that a lot of what I did over the years was me trying to please others and trying to cover up who I was deep down inside. I thought a lot about that and still do.

Hardest part is getting away from doing it and being honest to myself.

[GabbiSophia]

being honest is a tough one... especially when you are conflicted .. its not tough to "be" honest.. its the acting on them when you can predict the path..

[stefan37]

One question my therapist asked"all other factors aside. If we were to meet 5 years from now, how would you like to meet and converse with me? Tough questions indeed because you know the answer, Taking action disrupts our present lives and many cases caused extreme hurt to those that we love. There are ways we can take action to help mitigate short of full transition. But take action we must. We can't do or change nothing and expect a different result. Doesn't work that way. There is your pain mite while everyone around you feels good. Mitigating your pain will mostly cause pain in others.

Your therapist is asking you some good questions that will require some tough honest answers. You are on the way to healing. Good for you

[GabbiSophia]

Stefan my answer to the 5 year deal may not be the answer you think it will be. I am who I am and I came to grips with that a while back and then I learned a little more who I am when the understanding of gd came to me. The reason I went to therapy was to help understand the gd so I can manage it. Yeah I get that gd needs to be mitigated through feminization of the body ..sometimes... i just felt and realized that I do not do for myself very often if ever.

[I Am Paula]

I came to the conclusion myself, around the time my wife and I were argueing back and forth about my transition, that I have spent my life doing things for other people, and living to their expectations. From working my ass off, to pay the mortgage, to donning men's clothes to go see the in laws. What was I doing for me?
Transition is for me. Is it selfish? No, survival. I have left a few casualties in my wake, not many, but it is the cost of being free/me. Transition is the first thing in my life that is only for me. It's not benefiting my wife, putting money in the bank, or raising my social standing.

[Ariamythe]

I have faced that question in different ways from my therapists. I believe it's called an 'empowering question.' Pointing out that we're doing everything to please others is making us aware of it, and being aware of it is the first step in addressing it.

[Angela R]

Coincidentally, I have just returned home from a therapy session where we were exploring exactly this issue - for the Nth time! I have spent so many years working hard to please people that, despite now understanding what I am doing, it is very hard to stop. She asked "who is working hard to make you happy, who is looking out for you?"

[melissaK]

IMHO "doing things for others" is programmed in us - its how our species survives and reproduces. One person alone can't perpetuate our species, it takes a village; that takes co-operation and exchange of labors. That is hard wired in us in a Darwinian survival way. We are individuals, but our DNA makes us individuals dedicated to a colonial purpose. And in that is one aspect of our dual nature - to exist for ourselves and for others.

But learning that this "doing for others" can bury our individual soul is a noble, if not essential goal for self enlightenment . . . .

[GabbiSophia]

Melissa I glad you said that cause I could not have said it as elegant as you and would ruffle feathers.

I appreciate all the comments and the perspective. I realize now how much others do for me it's just I never saw it. I may bust my butt and pay the mortgage, ext but others make sure my clothes are washed and make sure I eat. It's the point of doing stuff for me that is an eye opening deak. I do some stuff but not tons

[Kaitlyn Michele]

so the logical next question is this..."what can you do FOR YOURSELF, that will get you closer to the goal of living( a life that feels good to you) with your gender dypshoria"... the therapists question is kind of like the introduction...you have the "oh wow" moment, and the next step is telling yourself that it's ok to do things just because you want to, or just for your benefit...

think of is this...if you DON"T start doing for yourself, then what will happen? pretty obvious answer...its just going to stay the same (bad) or get worse for you....

for me what worked was expression of femaleness...anyway you can...

[GabbiSophia]

That is now the search kaitlyn to do stuff that will allow me to live the life I want... fyi it's not female.. Though one day it may come to that

[stefan37]

Good luck Steph not doing anything female to mitigate your dysphoria. I truly mean that. I know what you are going through and there really isn't anything I haven't done, yet still the inner urge to look and express femininity was always there. It took a couple incidents in a very short period of time that forced me to address my mortality for the first time ever. That was when I stopped fighting myself and started to live my life as me. I was able to mitigate my inner urges for quite a few years before I needed to commit to transition. One thing you may want to explore is facial hair removal. That can be accomplished without anybody really knowing. You can still live as a male, express yourself as male, no hormones so your sexual functions will remain as they are, but you may feel better. Just saying.
I can't tell you what will work for you. You have to explore different options to see what works. I fear that until you accept your condition and take action you will continue to suffer to make those around you be happy. Noble actions for sure, but definitely unhealthy in the long run.

[PretzelGirl]

I think that you will find that many of us are doing for others. I don't believe it is a transxxxxx thing but a people thing. On average we tend to think that way because we get brought up to interact and care about others. So I think for many issues, it is a good topic for therapists. I just spent two of my first three sessions talking about it. But what isn't healthy is having a need to do something for yourself and bottling it up where your only output if for others. I am certainly there as I have a family that has fed off of this. So it is enlightening. My next thought is to not just use it as a launching board but to use it for internal thoughts on what you can do for yourself at a healthy pace.

[Ann Louise]

Before my transition the biggest driver in my life was to build a happy loving family life. My parents were not really up to the task, and my siblings and I were left to our own devices very early in our lives, and later in my teen years I set about trying to construct the peaceful, harmonious loving family that I missed out on in my early years. I failed miserably several times over an ensuing 25 or so years. Divorce, divorce, and divorce. The details won't help here, but what I want to note is that I did everything I could, cook, clean, sew, garden, build outbuildings and room additions, did the daycare thing, changed diapers, and worked by butt off to bring home the best money I could, All Of It.

Two problems are foremost that I became aware of in counseling and personal reflection:

(1) let's phrase the first one as a question instead: was I really doing all that for them, or for me? I truly was giving my all, and am proud of that, and on the other hand, was quite resentful, too, that it was seemingly never enough, and never reciprocated, but that leads to the second point,

(2) I was indeed measuring their responses to all that doing and giving I was performing against an ideal of what I thought they (meaning wives, children, friends, etc.) were supposed to measure up to. And does it surprise you that they never did measure up? They didn't, and I didn't either (of course).

So I did bask in my self pity for quite a while, even here in a couple of posts on this forum, too. But I found that I could not break free of the cycle of giving - measuring - being disappointed, over and over again, until I realized and internalized two additional things:

(3) Just because you do good things for people does not mean they will ever reciprocate. People do things, with, for, and against you, for their own personal reasons, primarily directed at their own happiness, and

(4) I was doing all that for myself, all of it was for me. All that supposed unselfish giving and loving and trying to please was indeed truly focused on me trying force myself to measure up the standards that I couldn't ever meet, the same ones that my parents long ago didn't measure up to, either.

I found that although the realization was shocking that I had apparently expended so many years of my life on the happiness and acceptance of others, and that it was a bitter pill, I did not find the true happiness I am finding right now, until I took ownership of my own personal truth (not necessarily yours, I might add), that

I was selfishly doing it all to soothe my own heart, not theirs.

My personal situation only, of course. YMMV

All the best to you dear, Ann

[GabbiSophia]

Anne I was just thinking about that yesterday. My giving makes me happy also. Like at Christmas time when you give gifts it makes you feel warm on the inside and brings a smile. Also I always remember the quote" The good of men die with their bones but the bad live on forever", This has always been a true statement. I am not sure of the personal truth yet other than I have GD and it is pretty heavy. Though I am way to early in trying to manage it to find that "truth" you refer to.

@Stefan you misunderstand me. I get that I have to mitigate it. I also know that the feminizing process helps it. I am taking small steps, with my wife included in the process, to help ease my GD. She doesn't get really a say but I get to see how she feels about stuff and her opinions in our relationship about all this. I am CDing a little to try to ease it though this I am starting to think makes it wayyyyy worse. So I am not doing nothing even by being here and trying to open up a little more is doing something. Though like Melissa Hobbs and others say I don't hang on the words of others more of trying to look at it from a different perspective. It is tough sometimes though because the emotions over whelm me when relating to those already down the road and it becomes a freight train. I asked my therapist point blank if she had any experience with helping GD and she has bunch but she also said that I have it the worse she has seen. Though it really focuses on my sexuality and not all encompassing (I don't hate being a guy or my male parts).

I have two major wants and they are polar opposites of each other or at least they can not coexist atm. This is the quagmire that I am trudging along through. To give into the want of one crush's the other, kind of a damn if you do damn if you don't.

I do understand that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing everyday expecting a different result. I am starting super small and working my way out.