One year anniversary... what next?

[Katie Russell]

Hi

It's coming up to the first anniversary of my SO finding out about my cross dressing. After the initial questions on the first evening she hasn't really commented at all. I did try and raise the subject after about 3 months but she just said it was something I did.

Since then nothing has been said. I'm not very good at sharing my emotions and I still haven't really decided what sort of acceptance I'd want from her. I thought yesterday that it would be great if we could go shopping together (although she hates clothes shopping) and some help with my style. I'm happy with the opportunities I get to dress it's just I'd like to share this part of my like a little more.

We have a really good, loving relationship and I don't want to rock the boat or make her feel uncomfortable. Because of the way she reacted the last time I tried to raise the subject I have just let it lie and it is only the fact that I have the 12 month anniversary coming up that has made me think.

I read a lot of posts and the general advice is small step. I just read a post about someone dressing in front of his SO for the first time after 3 years.

If anyone has some advice about how to move things on I'd be grateful.

Katie

[BillieAnneJean]

I wonder what you mean by "move things on"?

If your SO accepts your dressing, could that be enough for you?

If your SO merely tolerates your dressing, isn't that what many consider a dream?

Are you able to dress at intervals frequent enough to satisfy you but less than what would alarm her?

Can you dress and venture out?

Do you want this to continue to be a loving relationship?

Wouldn't she tell you that she wanted girl / crossdressed - guy time together if she did want it?

If I was in your position and my SO was tolerant to accepting I would make very sure that my guy - girl(SO) time was not diminished at all. I would take time from other guy activities for crossdressing. I would find ways to make the after-revealing-that-I-am-a-crossdresser lives together is better From HER Perspective. After all, this is not what she expected when committing her life to you.

Look at it from her perspective.

Make her life better, not disrupted.

I am so very lucky that I have my SO in my life. Every time I think about it I realize that I am hugely blessed that someone of her magnitude is sharing her valuable time with me. Another human being is, of her free will, sharing her life, a finite resource with me.

Your SO is doing that too.

All IMHO.

[Katie Russell]

Hi Billie Anne Jean

I have tried to keep things the same as before she found out and to a degree nothing has really changed apart from her knowing. We still work well as a team. As I said I'm happy with the situation as it is but it would be great if she could be involved a little more in what is a large part of my life. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't want to jeopardise our marriage to want more for myself if it made her uncomfortable.

I just don't know how she feels and don't want to rock the boat. I guess I'm best leaving alone and let her move things on if she wants.

Katie

[kimdl93]

Another followup-question...what do you mean by sharing...talking about it, dressing when she's around, shopping (which she hates) or something else?

[Karren H]

My one year anniversary came and went.... that was like 7 years ago.... we don't talk about it... my wife hates to shop like yours so forcing her to shop with me.... not going have a happy ending..... and I don't really want it to happen... If your wife isn't repulsed by this then leave well enough alone! more chance she will hate it and you if you push this on her vs love it.. (and you).. imho...

[Katie Russell]

Hi Kim

When I say sharing I mean being more open. I still feel that I sneak around behind her back which I don't like but if it suits her then that's fine.

Katie

[Amymonroe]

my 15th anniversary is next month and she has known since that day that i like to cross dress. to my supprise on our wedding day we stopped at a wal-mart to buy some things. (i think she was calling my bluff), but to this day we go out shopping together.

[vallerie lacy]

Sooner or later you're gonna have to communicate with each other on the subject of your dressing. I personally would just as soon get it over with, than dance around it. I know, easy for me to say. Good luck either way.

[Sarasometimes]

I know I sound like a broken record, but I again Agree with Karren.

Read your own post as if someone else posted it and you want to reply. My guess is that your wife has know idea about this "anniversary". I believe she has stuck this deep in the recesses of her mind and doesn't want to celebrate this day with you. If she did she would initiate it.

Not only do you want to talk about a subject you know she doesn't want to discuss, but you want her to go with you to get advice on how to look better enfemme and buy you women's clothes knowing she doesn't like to shop even for herself.


I don't agree with the sooner rather than later approach unless you are fine with whatever the outcome is.
One such outcome is very bad, since you say your relationship is otherwise solid. You mention it and she says, that's enough Goodbye!

If it ain't broke don't fix it. Remember you can never unsay something!

[Gillian Gigs]

My one year anniversary came and went.... that was like 7 years ago.... we don't talk about it... my wife hates to shop like yours so forcing her to shop with me.... not going have a happy ending..... and I don't really want it to happen... If your wife isn't repulsed by this then leave well enough alone! more chance she will hate it and you if you push this on her vs love it.. (and you).. imho...

Wise words!

[Lynn Marie]

To me, your marriage looks like it has degenerated into DADT with an elephant in the room. Feel fortunate that she doesn't divorce you. Even though CDing may just be a hobby with some, I feel that most women see it as a sexual preference.

[Beverley Sims]

Katie,
If she does not want to accept it but lets you do it okay.
Do not press the issue as all that will happen is greater opposition.
Just let her realise that you dress when she is not around and share other interests with her.
She may slowly come around but you will not be able to encourage her much at all.

[Stephanie47]

If you have been married for a sufficient length of time you should realize what the unspoken signs are that one spouse gives to another. You told her. If she says that something that you do, leave it at that. Basically you're in a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. I suspect from the silence she does not approve of cross dressing. Not many wives do approve. In her mind she is probably weighing all the other attributes you have and has come to the conclusion that the 'good' attributes outweigh this little 'quirk' or negative attribute. Don't push the envelope. If you do, if she is on the fence about your cross dressing, you'll probably knock her off the fence onto the side you do not want her to go.

Frankly, when I read posts such as yours, I wonder if pushing it onto the wife is a plea for self acceptance. If the one who is suppose to love you 'for better or worse' accepts you, then what you are doing must be OK. I went through the pangs of trying to get my wife to be more accepting and all it did was cause angst in the marriage. All I wanted was her to buy me panties for my birthday. It was torture for her. I finally realized what I just told you. I still wasn't sure about myself, so having her show outward acceptance would eliminate doubts about myself. I realized I did not need her acceptance for me to accept myself.

Don't push the issue. It takes along time, like decades sometimes, for a wife to even relegate cross dressing to the back of her mind.

[Jenniferathome]

Try this, "Honey, it's been a year since you discovered that I am a cross dresser. What do you think now?"

It's a great ice breaker, it's honest and does not required her to do a deep dive. It will start a conversation.

[Debra Russell]

Don't expect a cake or a "happy anniversary" card........................Debra

[MatildaJ.]

I'm a ciswoman / GG, and my advice is to say something like "if you ever have any questions, or are a bit curious about my crossdressing, I'd be happy to talk about it. Just let me know. But if out-of-sight-out-of-mind works better for you, I'm fine with that too."

You might repeat that every year or so unless she asks you to stop bringing it up.

But I'm also curious about your communication about sexual matters. If this is sexual for you, and you'd like to involve her with that, then maybe you could ask her to sit down with you on a relaxed evening and talk about some things each of you might like to try in bed.

Also, maybe what you want is a friend who understands this? Have you been to any local support groups to try to meet people in a similar situation?

[stephNE]

Try this, "Honey, it's been a year since you discovered that I am a cross dresser. What do you think now?"
I like what Jennifer said, sort of ask if you can bring it up. If she seems open, then tell her it is something that is important to you. If she wants to shut down the conversation, drop it, it may be something that needs to stay DADT.

[teri g]

With the information you've given us, I agree with those that say that you have a dadt relationship. If you must stand up and rock the boat, perhaps you could try something like asking if she would mind if you wore generic-appearing women's jeans or if she would mind if your lingerie began appearing in the laundry.

[Katey888]

Katie - I pretty much agree with everyone so far - I think Jess M and Debra's points are a nice summary: If you want to talk about it fine, if not, life goes on, but I don't expect a pat on the back for being good for a year... or two... or more. Some things may just not be move-on-able, so grasp the positive that you are fortunate where you are, and it just may develop more for you if you're patient. :hb:
Good luck, and be patient... :hugs:
Katey x

[MatildaJ.]

To add to what Teri and Stephanie said, you might ask for practical things (discussing laundry & closet space), while avoiding the suggestion that you expect her to have fun with this (planning girls' night out, or shopping trips, or spa days), or expect her to demonstrate enthusiasm.

His CDing is not fun for me, it's stressful, but we're partners and I accept that we will discuss chores and other living arrangements.

Hope that distinction makes sense.

[BillieAnneJean]

A caution about the "important part of life" discussion.......

If you tell her that CDing is important to you then she may wonder if SHE is important to you.
Then she may wonder if CDing is MORE important to you than she is.

So you may find it beneficial to both say and show her that she is the MOST important part of your life.

That is of course IF she is.

[teri g]

Thanks for elaborating on that Jess, and thanks also for a GG's view from someone in a similar arrangement.