Denial, how do I overcome it?

[Sarah21]

Hi All,

I don't know where to start and I'm scared.
I hate talking about myself and my emotions in general.
I honestly believe I am going to die a miserable person because I never gave myself the chance to be myself.

I am always conscious of others and what they think.
I am very good at compartmentalizing things, even though it's hurting me deep down. I just move on.

I want to be me and I'm scared of the consequences.
I've been in denial for a long time, I don't know what to do.

Edit: Just want say to say I am usually a very happy person and I 'm sorry for depressing anyone that has read this.

[Michelle789]

What specifically do you feel like you're in denial about? What specifically do you want to talk about? We're all here to help, so please feel free to open up.

[Sarah21]

I'm in denial about the fact that I want to be female, or more like that I've always felt female.
This is awkward for me.

[Inna]

Yep, the hardest thing to admit is to point finger at oneself and say, "from now on, this is about me" but even though it really is all about you, to present such concept to the people surrounding your every move is to say, "you all doing it wrong, it isn't about what you want for me, but what I am within and without"
Are you scared of loosing love?

[Sarah21]

Inna, I am scared about losing love of those around me and their reaction.

Why is it so hard to let someone be them-self and be happy for them?

[Inna]

it isn't hard, but because we are conditioned from day one of our existence and instead of being oneself, we are fashioned and twisted into an obedient shape shifters who reflect desires of others. It seems hard because almost everyone behaves and lives out their life within these guidelines, and for someone to say, "this life is about me, I am the one who does live this life out", seems like travesty in the eyes of everyone else, however, travesty is not to brake free, and remain in denial and in halflife!

Do you know, that what you are truly afraid of is finding out who really loves you, and who tolerates you within conditioned response.
That is to say, those who truly love you unconditionally, shall remain by your side, those who have you being obedient, do NOT love, but bestow their will upon you!

[JohnH]

I might add there is an insidious notion in our society that to be feminine is a worst state than being masculine. I really do no see very many times in Crossdressers.com the anguish of a person going from female to male. But there is the "masculine anxiety" of trying to "man up" and to be masculine. People admire a "tom boy". But woe be to the feminine boy who is the "nancy girl".

Johanna (John)

[I Am Paula]

Over estimating the collateral damage of transition is common. At least in my experience, I left very few casualties, and was met with surprising acceptance and love. The fear was VERY, VERY, hard to get over, but once I was in with both feet, the clarity and freedom were well worth it.

[Jorja]

I think the first step is to understand denial.

Denial is a defense mechanism, and is not entirely voluntary. It is part of an automatic psychological process that is designed to protect the human psyche from pain. Denial is a common response to stress, emotional conflict, anxiety, painful thoughts, and threatening information. In small doses, over short periods of time, denial can be a healthy coping mechanism. It provides a cushion of time for a person to adjust to painful news or a stressful situation.

Humans are incapable of processing traumatic events all at once. Too much threatening information, pain, stress, or conflict processed all at once can cause serious psychological harm. In this way, short-term denial is a built-in safety valve. Prolonged denial, however, can be unhealthy and destructive.

An individual who is “in denial” simply doesn’t acknowledge facts that may seem indisputable to others. He or she may also refuse to acknowledge certain situations and minimize the consequences of those situations. For example, an alcoholic takes frequent breaks at work to secretly drink in the employee restroom, but she denies there is a problem because she’s still showing up for work every day. Another example: A mother allows her addicted adult son to live with her and even gives him money for his habit because she doesn’t want him to be on the street, but insists that she has no control over the situation. In these instances, denial is harmful. It prevents the alcoholic from seeking needed treatment and it keeps the concerned mother from taking responsibility for facilitating her son’s behavior.

The next step is Confronting Denial

Although denial is not entirely voluntary, it is also not entirely involuntary. Many experts believe that prolonged denial involves conscious decision-making. When attempting to deal with an overwhelming situation, such as the addiction of a loved one, it is okay to take time to adjust. However, eventually the situation will have to be confronted. There are some key things that you can do to help crack denial and deal with the circumstances in a healthy way:

• Find someone you trust to talk to, preferably someone who is not directly involved in the situation. If he/she is directly involved, their own fears, opinions, or denial may interfere with your efforts to face the problem. If you can’t think of someone, try joining a support group.

• Honestly and thoroughly express your feelings about the situation including your fears, emotions, pain, and guilt.

• Try to identify any irrational beliefs you may have about the situation; for example, hoping it will get better on its own or feeling responsible for someone else’s addiction.

• Try to identify how your irrational beliefs may be influencing you to act irrationally or in ways that are contributing to the problem.

• Start a journal. Expressing worries on paper can help you think through them more calmly and rationally.

• If you need help, contact a mental health counselor or treatment program for guidance. A counselor is a great listener, not only because he/she is detached from your situation but also because they are specifically trained to help you learn to cope in healthy ways.

[Badtranny]

Well Sarah, this is some of the hardest work of transition. I wrote a poem a long time ago about being in a prison of your own creation and finally finding that you were never under guard at all. The people and circumstances that make up these seemingly impenetrable walls between you and the life you want to have, are literal figments of your imagination. Sure there are people who expect certain things from you, but only because they are reflecting back the image that YOU show them.

It sounds trite, but we live in lives that we have created for ourselves. Almost every circumstance good or bad can be directly attributed to our own actions. Change your actions and change your life.

So you're in denial. I think we all were at one time or another, and in my case denial was a lifelong companion. Your first struggle as a Transsexual is to overcome a lifelong habit of denial and learn to accept yourself for who you are. I mean truly accept yourself. Let go of the guilt and fear and learn to really love who you really are, but before you can do that you need to explore your feelings. You need to spend a lot of time alone thinking about your life and your dreams. You need to spend a lot of time with a close friend talking about your life and your dreams. This is the hard work of self discovery and ultimate self acceptance and it needs to be done before you ever decide to engulf yourself in a gender transition.

Transition is a very public and very painful process that I think would be impossible (for sane people) if you did not have the courage of your convictions. It is impossible to be truly convicted if you don't truly understand who you are. Denial isn't something you overcome, it's something you leave behind.

[KellyJameson]

Sometimes we try to change by forcing ourselves to change but there is another way and that is first to accept yourself.

Instead of seeing everything you do as a ngeative see it as having both positive and negative possibilities.

Hating talking about yourself may have componets of shame where you feel the fear of being judged but it will also have componets of personal
boundaries and privacy which are a good thing.

In your desire to change try to avoid throwing out the good with the bad.

What appears as weakness may have a side of strength to it and what appears as strength may have a side of weakness to it.

We live in a universe made of of complementary dualities.

Much of what you describe are simply defense mechanisms that you have learned in the attempt to keep yourself safe but are now preventing your growth as living fully and honestly.

It is difficult to let go of defense mechanisms because it triggers fear to do so but there may be healthy aspects to your defense mechanisms in that they still have some value in keeping you safe so move slowly and try to let go of your harsh judgement of yourself and accept that you are not perfect and never will be.

When you use the word denial on a transsexual forum I assume you are wondering if you are denying your true gender.

The problem with answering this question is that other forms of denial could confuse your gender identification.

There is substantial pressure on men to conform to specific behaviors that emotionally ostrasize them from themselves so in some sense you want to live as freely as possible as a man to be sure that you are not trying to live as a woman to circumvent all the harmful effects society and or family has had on you as a male.

It is one thing to identify as a female because you are a female and another to identify as female to avoid the consequences of living as a man.

It is a question of freedom to be yourself because each gender has certain freedoms and certain restrictions but many of these freedoms and restrictions are self imposed from fear of consequences and this may or may not be about gender identity.

A female identity is not about being passive emotionally, particularly sexually and this is just the way men interpret how females "feel" and "act" according to men which is a huge distortion.

Be sure you have not imposed your concepts of how women feel and are suppose to act as opposed to men. This measurement and comparision is not identity but the confusion created by the gender binary created by societies institutions.

You want to strip away the effects this binary has had on you to see what is left and this will be your identity.

If you are female you will discover this when everything else has been removed revealing your core self that has been with you since early childhood that makes you resonate with woman and has nothing to do with sex.

Be very careful not to allow your sexuality to confuse you into thinking that you are a woman.

[Sarah21]

Thanks girls for the replies, they have really helped and it's great to get advice from people who may have had similar experiences.

I'm usually very good at giving advice to people but I'm a bit of a disaster when it comes to myself!

Kelly - How I feel has nothing to do with my sexuality, I've felt the same way since I've been a child.
I'm probably strange but I would say my sexuality is the least important thing in my life right now, I just want to try and gain the confidence to start living as myself.

[celeste26]

If you value truth over everything else no matter what the consequences, denial is forced to flee. Truth is a secure foundation on which to base a life on denial is not.

[Rachel Smith]

Denial has cost me 57 years of happiness. Yes that's all. Get some help, do some soul searching and find out WHO you are whoever that may be. Once I found the who and stopped denying it I knew what I had to do. Ladies please don't flame me for this but I can tell you transitioning takes a big set of stones, tongue in cheek comment, I could have said courage but that wouldn't have been as funny. Either way you need still need to find the WHO part first.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

...............I honestly believe I am going to die a miserable person because I never gave myself the chance to be myself.
....

........I am very good at compartmentalizing things, even though it's hurting me deep down. I just move on....

I want to be me and I'm scared of the consequences....
I've been in denial for a long time, I don't know what to do.

Edit: Just want say to say I am usually a very happy person and I 'm sorry for depressing anyone that has read this.

I paraphrased a bit, but this is almost word for word how I would have expressed myself in 2006-2008...this feeling I had is very common especially for those a bit older but anybody that tries to hard to live as a male can end up feeling this way...

The only way out is to start truly learning what it means to transition and live as a woman. By truly understanding what it takes and what it means to transition, you can get out of the "big ideas" rut... ..

the idea that I would die as a man was the thought that pushed me towards transition more than any other...I'm sorry to say that for me this "journey" was terrible, but outside of hurting my children(altho it turned out great), I did it all to myself..

Like you I considered my self a happy person, life came easy to me...the problem is that because gender dysphoria is a such a sneaky thing, those positives simply became part of the trap that made me feel worse and worse.

[Angela Campbell]

From where I am right now it seems to me that the stage you are in right now is the hardest. Coming to grips with who you really are, and how you want your life to progress is such a frightening thing it can be overwhelming. I expect many of us have been there and been through it. There is a big wall, it is fear. It can be overcome but it is not easy to do. But once you do things get better. Really they do. Not perfect, and not really easy but better. The fear can turn into challenges, which for me is a more attractive thing than the blind crippling fear I started out with.

How do you overcome it? You have to face it.

[Billiejosehine]

Sarah I have so I am in the same boat. I am 34 years old and have been non accepting of this part of myself my whole life. I did not want to believe it and thought I could overcome it. Often times, I would just CD to cope, but would go through the typical cycle of CDing, then feel guilt and shame, tell myself I'm done with this, and purge everything; for only it to come back with vengeance. My whole life I was more concerned about what other people thought of me and making them happy, but never took into account my own self worth. I kept my emotions to myself and relied on others for my own happiness. So I thought by putting up a male persona, getting married, having a great job, and having children would the answer to my own problems. I realize now that hiding can only work for so long and sooner or later you have to face that part of your self. It is hard and in going through it now, but I wish I embraced who I am instead of denying it. It was killing me slowly and I was just meandering by in life. Just this last year I had a mental breakdown to the point of suicidal thoughts and I don't care to go to that place again. The greatest help was having people who support your true self and a therapist who can help you work through things that kept me in denial and non acceptance.

[traci_k]

I too have to thank all you girls. Lately I've been feeling like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. It's weird how life takes some serendipitous twists. Losing my job last year was a bit of a shock, but now I wind up working a block away from a great TG center here in Chicago. I've tried to hold it together for my family's sake but the pressure is too strong. The clinic has a support group meeting tonight and I'm going to go. Already have a letter from my therapist for hrt who I had to quit seeing after job loss last year. Perhaps it's time to stop denying me.

Love and thanks to all!

[Sarah21]

I am so not happy with myself. I'm very confused.
I hate myself.

I cry myself to sleep most night's.

I'm paranoid that I can't share my feelings with other people without anyone who searches on the internet knowing.
It all comes down to coming out, I'm scared.

I'm sorry for the drama.

Edit: Editing this now as I know I am coming across as a drama queen and I'm genuinely not like that, I'm just stuck.
I have no friends in the same situation and I just need to vent.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Sarah,

I understand you not wanting to publish anything that can be traced back to you on the Internet at this stage, but your user name here does not give any clues as to your physical identity.

This is a good place to talk about your feelings in confidence knowing that most of the regular posters will have some experiences in common with what you are going through and so will have a good chance of understanding your situation.

Despite what some people say, our only "agenda" is to support members, not to push them one way or another about transition.

[dreamer_2.0]

I am so not happy with myself. I'm very confused.
I hate myself.

Edit: Editing this now as I know I am coming across as a drama queen and I'm genuinely not like that, I'm just stuck.
I have no friends in the same situation and I just need to vent.

This is a good place for venting as many of us have done the same being in a similar position as you. Confusion and self-hatred are rampant in my life as well. I find reading many people's experiences here can be helpful. Sometimes posts and threads a good pick-me-up, other times, the harder threads, show that there are others going through their own struggles and we aren't alone.

None of this is easy so vent away.