Another blow to my current life as I progress in being who I truly am

[Billiejosehine]

With the way things have been between me and my SO and where I am at with things. I know that I will suffer some losses as I have become more committed to being myself finally. But I'm still hurting inside as I cling on to the life I created. I know that with the commitment things in my life are bound to change.
So I have been consistently going out in public confidently for the past two weeks underdressed, wearing a women's shirt with a mans sweater on top, and wearing women's pants. I used go out in public semi dressed, but changed my clothes before coming home. Well today when I got home, my SO made a comment about how my pants look weird and wanted we to turn around so she could look at them. A few minutes later she made a comment about how she knew they were women's pants and was going to say something a couple days ago, but didn't. She went on to say that what I am doing is ridiculous and i need to get away from her as far as possible. She also said that it was obvious that I was wearing women's pants and because it is obvious my work now knows. But I haven't gotten any weird looks or comments from coworkers. She also said that I can't blame her for her telling people because obviously I have reached the point of where I don't give a sh** in what people see what I wear. She ended the conversation before going to the store with the kids and my mother in law; that it is sad and unfortunate that I am the father of her children.

[Jenniferathome]

Billie, put your children first. Whatever issues you have, set them aside in front of your children. If transition is in your future as you believe, work this out with your wife in private. If you want to have a relationship with your kids in the future, do the right thing now.

[Ali_F]

I'm so sorry Billie, what she said sounds unnecessarily cruel. I don't know what to do or say, but *HUG* =/

[Beverley Sims]

Billie,
If you treasure your marriage, a little give and take works.
It's called compromise.
If you don't agree, well...............

[Aprilrain]

Beverly, when one is transitioning there can be no compromise.

That being said I do think Billie needs to develop a plan and timeline! Are you seeing a therapist? Have you contacted that lawyer yet? Found any support groups?

There are ways to transition well and then there is just fudging along hoping for the best (but ending up with the worst)! What your doing just now is a recipe for disaster!

If you love your kids and want to continue seeing them, know this, your wife is going to use this against you in everyway she posibly can. Get that lawyer!

If you think people haven't noticed your clothes you're kidding yourself! Stop the partial dressing, get a therapist, make a plan, when your ready contact HR and set a date for transitioning at work.

[Marcelle]

Billie,

I am a bit confused . . . are you planning on transitioning? Specifically are your TS looking to become a woman or are you CD? If you are TS then I agree with April, you need to get a plan and move forward realizing this may be a deal breaker with your wife. Transitioning on this level is in effect telling your wife you want her to enter a same sex relationship and to be honest you cannot expect that to occur unless she is very understanding and/or bisexual. So I can understand your wife's frustration if this is the path you are following. As well, does she know this is the path (if it is) you are planning to follow? If not, you may want to have that talk sooner than later.

If you are CD and only want to dress to express yourself then you have two choices sweetie . . . dressing as you please or your relationship with your wife. Beverly said it right, when it comes to CDing you may not be able to give it all up but compromise may be able to keep you sane. Do you need to wear female pants to work? Could underdressing not fill the void? What is your wife willing to accept in your relationship? . Life is about choices . . . some are easy and some are hard. Our job is to figure out which choice will bring balance to all.

However, in the end if not being able to dress is causing you severe emotional harm (i.e., depression, anxiety) you really need to seek out the help of a qualified gender identity therapist to bring order to chaos

Hugs

Isha

[I Am Paula]

Billie, Once again, you will have to find out where you are on this trip. The journey of a TS, is SO MUCH different than a CD. While you are figuring it out, why not put away the women's outer garments, and work on communication with your wife, because if it turns out you are not TS, you cannot unring that bell. Don't jeopardize your family, and job, until you have solid answers. If it turns out you are TS, you may very well lose your wife, so work out (in your mind for now) how to keep a relationship with your kids. I fear that you have decided the fate of your relationship before discovering if it was nessasary.

Beverley, As selfish as it sounds, there's little room for compromise if she is TS.

[Billiejosehine]

My life life, my marriage, my children, and my SO are all important to me and I still would like to hold on to how things are. But I'm only fooling myself because I am not a CDer, but I am truly a TS and I can no longer deny that part of myself; like I have all these years. But I should tone things down a bit until I have created a real solid plan of attack. I have heard that it's not going to be an easy road and I am not going to pretend that it is easy. I don't really have much support other then this online forum, so I feel alone. But my sister is sending me resources, my mom knows a lot of people, and a friend has a teacher that has kids and transitioned. So I shouldn't really say I feel alone, it just feels that way.

As far as my relationship with my SO, She has told me that there's going to be changes and I have been kicked to the couch and told I need to buy my own bed because she needs space and feels I need space. I know she is going through a lot as well so she wants to take things day by day, but I now it's going to be a hard road ahead. As far as work goes I have been planning to get more info about transitioning, but I should really slow down at everything.

[Stephanie47]

I went back and read some of your threads. It would appear that you want to transition and have sought counseling. Well, that's you and seeking counseling is the correct thing to do. You state your marriage, kids and wife are all important and you want to hold on to how things are. Then, you use an inappropriate terms, IMHO, ...until I have created a real solid plan of attack.

What is not being considered by you is the relationship between you and your wife. You sound as if you want your cake and eat it too. I am not trying to be cruel, but, consider what your expectations are. There is only one person you are married to, and, that is a special relationship. I think your wife is expressing the fact that you are not the man she married and can see the writing on the wall. Please do not expect a woman to just role over and accept whatever is thrown her way.

Get the counseling. Make the transition. Accept the consequences of your decisions. And, accept the decisions of those around you. Aprilrain is right.

[I Am Paula]

Billie- Congratulations. This is the first time you've said I am not a cross dresser, I am TS. Now, you can formulate a plan and move on. Doesn't make it any easier, but you can figure out what your goals are.

[Marcelle]

Hi Billie,

Okay so you have admitted you are TS and not CD that is a good step forward and now is the time to seek "gender identity counselling" if you have not done so already. This will help to truly place you in the correct frame of reference and help you prepare for your transition. I am sure one of the TS gals can speak more to that. However, I still have to ask ... "Have you told your wife about this?" I am not trying to sound cruel or insensitive but this is a "big thing" not so much "dear I want to dress now and then like a woman" but "dear I want to be a woman". If you have not done so already, IMHO you owe her the truth before you walk down this path any further.

Hugs

Isha

[Billiejosehine]

As of last June I have told her that I been struggling with the desire to be a woman and since then she has seen more of this part of myself as still tried to hide from everything. She has stuck around, but things have spun out of control and she no longer wants to deal with anything when it comes to who I am. Maybe she stuck around because she wanted to she were I stood and give things a chance. For me the flood gates of emotion and all that I have suppressed my whole life has rushed to the surface and is leaving destruction in its wake. I still have a lot to process, but I am looking for a better therapist then the one I have now.

[RADER]

Billie;
I have been wearing womans plane jeans now for about 3 years.
They look like guy jeans, only difference is there is a small red tag
by the pocket. Guy jeans have a tag, but not red.
My wife said that I look good wearing the jeans, even though I do
not go out dressed.
I hope this helps you, but like others have said, you have to try to
reach a compromise, keeping the family first, and keeping yourself
in the picture.
Rader

[Billiejosehine]

Well, relating to the comment about kidding myself if I think people don't notice the women's clothes I wear made by Aprilrain. My SO made another comment about how two people have approached her about me wearing clear nail polish and how my mother in law was laughing because she thought I got confused by wearing women's pants. She only said something because she found more of my stuff (she has been going out of her way to find things and even analyze every part of my appearance). It's like walking on eggshells no matter how careful I am. Can you really tell by looking at pants someone is wearing, especially when they are plain, if they are men's or women's? Also is clear nail polish really that noticable?

[Lorileah]

Glossy nail polish can be noticeable and sometimes the tag or the embroidery on slacks make it obvious. But now consider a few things. First you are in the bay area of San Francisco where almost anything goes. Second, men in high positions with lots of money do several things that many consider feminine (Nail polish is common, look at high income men's socks they are almost sheer, shoes are more feminine and less sole thickness, they will get facials and have hair removal and eye brow shaping, their pants are tailored to emphasize the body and look nice not baggy, the shirts they wear are silk, satin, high end cotton, they wear more jewelry). I made those points years ago when ever someone pointed out my nails, my socks (or hose), my slip on shoes, my color of shirt. Ask those people if they prefer the look of a man who doesn't care (some women do I have to admit, the scruffier and smellier the better) but most women prefer a well groomed man. I think looking like you have class and money is a good thing as compared to looking like you don't care

By the way, men in the 1920's and 30's routinely had manicure and glossy nails (especially those in shall we say illegal activities?) So grandpa could have been a metrosexual

[PaulaQ]

Hon, if people are noticing you, then they are. It's probably not a big deal in the bay area - it mostly would be in Texas, although in both places it would probably be women that notice, straight guys generally being pretty clueless about this stuff. However, in your case, your wife is noticing, and that's the main issue.


She also said that I can't blame her for her telling people because obviously I have reached the point of where I don't give a sh** in what people see what I wear.

Outing you isn't cool, however, you are already partially out anyway, so I'm sure that makes her feel justified in this. Also, she is wrong in assuming that most people care what you wear as much as she does. Trust me, they do not, especially in the Bay Area.


She ended the conversation that it is sad and unfortunate that I am the father of her children.

What a cruel thing for her to say.

I think you are kidding yourself though, hon, if you think you can have it both ways - a little gender expression here, your marriage as it exists today there. Judging from your wife's attitude. She doesn't seem like she'll tolerate you expressing your gender identity at all. Perhaps with therapy she can change her mind, but the odds are she won't, and if you transition, your marriage is just over.

You won't lose your kids in all likelihood though, although you are likely to find yourself in a joint custody type arrangement.

Ask yourself something. Has trying to hide who you are ever really worked out for you? Are the half measures you are taking now really helping you that much? What you are doing simply isn't working, isn't that right?

You need to tackle your gender identity head on, hon, wherever that leads you, and regardless of the cost. It sucks this probably means you lose your marriage, but in California, other consequences you may face should be minimized to some extent. But look at it this way - if that is what happens, people get divorced for way stupider reasons than this one. It's tragic, sure, but half of the marriages out there end in divorce, so try to keep it in perspective.

I'm sorry if this sounds excessively cold - believe me, I completely sympathize with the heart-rending difficulty of your decision, I'm going through it myself. Most women will simply not be able to adapt to having a transitioning spouse. Most kids will deal with a transitioning parent just fine.

[Billiejosehine]

Paula you are correct that what I have done up to this point and hiding who I am has not worked and that needs to change. I need to be myself for once and taking the steps To do. Even if that means I loose the life I have, which is scary, but my therapist told me I need to look at the positive things in life, such as what I will gain. My SO told me that she feels like a mom of a confused little boy and a therapist (she is a LCSW). She's at the point of not caring and while she doesn't condone me (I'm a great guy), she just cant accept this part of me. I know her view will never change and the marriage is over already. I'm sleeping on the couch, treats me like more of a friend roommate, and wants to know when I'll sign the divorce papers ( we haven't even started that process yet). Even though I will be part of my kids lives, the one thing she ask of me is that I give her full custody. Which is not going to happen anytime soon.

[Jordan]

Billie
Good luck with your journey where ever it takes you. I think after reading this post you know what you want it sounds like you are going to go forward with it. Your wife has to make up her mind if she wants to be with you or not thru this time to me it sounds like she has made up her mind also now you just need to move on and start your life over good luck