Obsession, maybe.

[Peggie Lee]

Obsessed, maybe.

It's been 5 years now since I realized that I was killing myself in trying to hide behind all the fat I had put on (330 lbs). At that time I could not explain it to myself why was I doing this but just knew I had to improve myself or die younger than needed. In my life I've have had many hobbies and family duties that I would jump into wholeheartedly with singleminded determination that left me no time to think about myself and what was nagging at me from the shadows. My losing weight followed this pattern until last year when I noticed my breast now stuck out further than my belly and I remembered once agin what I was hiding from. I was 9 when my breasts started developing and was happy for I wanted to be a girl. Life and circumstance put this dream in the grave at 13 but it was never completely forgotten .

My cousin made a remark about my coming out as Transgendered that it was just another obsession like all the others I've gone through, I was ready to start arguing and stopped when it dawned on me that yes I was obsessed ,my grande obsession to beat all obsessions, my oldest and longest held desire and that all others were merely diversions to keep it buried because I believed it was not possible to achieve it.
Before that moment I just felt that this was the right path that all my logic, history and need to reconnect with my suppress feelings was what was driving me to made this change and now realized it is really a deep seated emotion, an obsession that is driving me forward.

Would this be GD.

Love to everyone.

Rylee

[kimdl93]

Look, I don't want to tell you whether your feelings are valid or not. That question should be directed at yourself. The mind can play cruel tricks and memories are incredibly unreliable...and susceptible to wishful thinking, ie we often remember what we wish to remember, good or bad. So, your job is to get the clearest view of reality that you can before you attempt to make life changing decisions.

[KellyJameson]

In my case the conflict between " knowing my gender" and what everyone else was telling me was my gender started when I became old enough to understand there were two genders (sexes).

As a child I resolved this by repressing the concept of gender so went through childhood not "seeing gender" which causes many social difficulties but this allowed me to keep my own gender identity alive even if it was no longer accessible because of repression.

This knowledge of yourself still makes itself known in that you will experience pain when you act against your known identity and it is this pain that feeds the obsession to know the truth.

I have always lived with the obsession to know the truth because it was being kept from me by my conscious need to protect myself because of the world I lived in and this made me "obsessional" in my behavior.

Try to understand the motive force behind your obsessions and this will lead you to the truth.

[Peggie Lee]

Hi everyone
After reading the responses to my last post I realized I had miss stated myself.


"Before that moment I just felt that this was the right path that all my logic, history and need to reconnect with my suppress feelings was what was driving me to made this change and now realized it is really a deep seated emotion, an obsession that is driving me forward."



The logic, history and needs made me stop to examine and explore the feelings. I started seeing a gender Therapist, joined this forum, had long talks with family and sought out Trans groups to find all the information I could to decide if this was truly how I felt and to what extent did I wanted to pursue this. The obsession I Spoke of comes from the realization that yes I am a Transsexual and I have excepted it on a very deep emotional level.
My obsession is to just be me and not who others said I should be.

I apologize for not making myself clear, (it was probably all those D's I got in English class.

Love to everyone

Rylee :o