Came out and lost a 'good' friend.

[RiverdanceGirl]

I bet you're all going to read this and think 'If only I had a dollar...' but I tried coming out online and someone who I would have thought was a good friend just assumed that it was a joke and when I said no he said he doesn't want to know me anymore. All my female friends have been totally supportive. I can't imagine nobody has suspected with the number of times I've dropped strong hints. It just seems odd that in today's world it's okay to be proud to be gay (as it absolutely should be) and yet being trans or a crossdresser is too much for people to accept. I would have thought by now that it was no big deal to wear whatever clothing I want to and identify with the female part of me. It seems not everyone views gender as a spectrum without polar extremes.

There has been a bit of a catalyst. My mum passed away on new year's day after a very long illness so I have been reassessing my priorities in life.

[Maggie O'neal]

First ,I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, please accept my heart felt sympathy.
As for coming out to your friend , that is sad but it was and is his loss. it does surprise me as I had always thought of the people of Toronto were more open minded . Take care of yourself first and foremost . Be happy
Love
Maggie O'neal

[Michelle789]

I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your friend. Sadly, coming out as being trans or a cross-dresser sometimes comes with the price of losing friends, families, or jobs.

We're sadly not at a place where people accept transgender and cross-dressers. We have a long way to go until everyone is accepting.

I'm also sorry to hear about the loss of your mother.

The bright side is all your female friends are totally supportive. You now know who you're true friends are, and you'll have plenty of women to hang out with when you're in female mode. I wish you the best of everything.


it does surprise me as I had always thought of the people of Toronto were more open minded .

In general, there are more open-minded people in big cities like Toronto, L.A., San Francisco, but there are still closed-minded people even in big cities. I used to consult a psychic for advice, and when I talked with her about my gender issues her response was that "gender confusion comes from the devil" - and she lives on Venice Beach, one of the most liberal places on the planet where just about every possible variety of human life lives there - and yet in spite of being daily exposed to the diversity out there she thinks the devil is responsible for gender variance.

[stephNE]

Hi RDG, sorry to hear about the loss of you mom and your friend. You never really know others.

[lingerieLiz]

Be assured that you will find new friends. After your friend adjusts to the news he may come back. I've had it happen when I was much younger. Some people can not adjust to new startling information. Sometimes it may be that they are not secure in their life and can't cope with how the two of you will relate in the future. Good luck

[reb.femme]

Hi RiverdanceGirl,

So sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I lost my younger sister coming up to New Year's Eve, two years ago, so really feel your pain.

You never can tell who will be supportive or who will bale on you, when the going gets tough. Or should that be femme? I haven't spoken with my eldest son for a couple of weeks (post big reveal) so it comes as no surprise that friends can and do disappear.

Oh well, at least you don't have to believe that he was a friend anymore. There you go...a positive from a negative. From this old pessimist, that's a major achievement. :heehee:.

Rebecca

[Tracii G]

Soo sorry about your Mom and the loss of a friend.

[Kimberly Long]

Dear RDG: I am sorry for your loss of a friend. I went through the same thing when I went full time about four years ago. I have be accepted my everyone except one friend. I live my live as I want to, it is her loss not mine. I hope you find as much joy as I have found living as a woman.
Love Kimberly

[kimdl93]

As said before, sorry for the loss of your mother. Now, is this a real life 3d friend, or an 'on line acquaintance? It only matters by mattr of degree. I'd put an online friend into a more tentative category.

[Adriana Moretti]

this is why I only tell girls........thats a line i just wont cross......guys are....well...guys

[Jenniferathome]

?.. It just seems odd that in today's world it's okay to be proud to be gay (as it absolutely should be) and yet being trans or a crossdresser is too much for people to accept. ...

Not "people" River. Person

[Michelle789]

No, "people" is correct. River was talking about more than one person accepting CDing and TG, so we should use plural.

[Briana90802]

I'm sorry about the friend. I couldn't have been a very good friend if your friendship can't endure some like CDing. Something like transgenderism in all its forms is true way of knowing how fair weathered your friends really are. Always sad to loose a friend, but take comfort in those that surround you.

[Cynthia Anne]

It is sad about your mother, truly!
About loosing ''a good friend'' let me remind you, there is only one way to loose ''a good friend''! And c-ding is not it! Wishing the best for you!

[jackielynn]

That sucks. I don't understand why some people think its such a big deal. My theory is that it is probably more of a deception thing than a crossdressing thing. It's not that your friend has such strong negative emotions to cd-ing or transgenderism but more of a problem with the discovery that you are not entirely what you showed yourself to be and perhaps that can reshape the meanings of past events you both shared.

[Beverley Sims]

My sympathies go with you all round.

One thing, never place importance on text messages or email, for those things, personal contact is the best.

[Alice Torn]

Bev is right. U have come out to quite a few long distance friends, on email, who blasted me.

[Joanne f]

Hello RiverdanceGirl,
my condolences for the loss of your Mother,
I often wonder if it is not so much what a person thinks of you personally but more on what people will think of them for being friendly with you that is the main reason for doing things like this , they have less confidence within themselves to deal with that than they do to be able to support a friend who has the confidence to tell them who or what they are , maybe one day your friend will over ride their fears and accept you for who you are .

[KristyE]

River, Sorry for your losses.
I do find it so strange that so many people can accept someone being gay far easier than xdressers. My SO new I was bi before we got married and yet after 34 years she fell apart at the thought of me dressing. Go figure. Well chin up girl and love all you have.
Love KristyE

[Roli F]

Hi Riverdance girl
I also came out after my Mother died last year I also came to the conclusion that life's too short
It is a shame when people who you have known for so long can't accept CD yet assume you're Gay
so mixed up are the straight general public .

[Tina_gm]

I often wonder if it is not so much what a person thinks of you personally but more on what people will think of them for being friendly with you that is the main reason for doing things like this I think this is a reason why wives and GF's have a hard time as well. What will their friends and family think of them for dating/marrying a crossdresser?

[Marcelle]

Hi RDG,

It is unfortunate that not all people are accepting of the TG spectrum but it happens. I think some people can't get past a lot of long held negative stereotypes which haunt us as a community. However with time, I think even that chasm will be bridged (I keep my fingers crossed). Loosing a good friend is hard when we share this part of us. I feel your pain on this as while most of my friends I have come out to (male and female) are very supportive, I lost a very close friend to this. However, as time marches on he has begun to show signs of acceptance. I am still friends with his wife (he knows this) and she asked if he would agree to meet me for coffee in which he did so long as I promise to show up as boy me. I am good with this and hopefully we can make our way back over time. So hang in there as you never know.

Hugs

Isha

[Lynn Marie]

Before getting out I had this deathly fear of being thought of as gay! How's a guy ever going to attract women if they think he's gay? I believe that this is a pretty common mind set with men. Not so much insecurity as losing standing and respect in the community. Sure, it's not very open minded but it's probably the best most guys can do.

Fortunately I'm so much more enlightened now that just about all my friends are either gay or CDs and I still attract women! Pretty weird, huh!

[S. Lisa Smith]

So sorry to hear about your Mother. It is always a difficult loss...friends come and go, but not a Mom.

[adrienner99]

How difficult this all must be for you. If there is a positive, it is that your female friends were accepting...I hope you can dwell on that more than the loss of your "friend," who in time may even come back to talk....As for your mother, we only get one....there is no loss quite like it.

[Cheryl T]

Guess he wasn't that "good" a friend after all was he?
A friend will stand by you no matter what and be there when you need him. All others are just friendly acquaintances...

[Raychel]

Sorry for the loss of your mother.
Several years ago when my mother passed, I did some of the same life evaluations.
I have changed some things, and other things I have learned to just deal with.
One of the thing I have change is coming out to friends and family, well most of my family.
I only have a few friends and they don't know, but if they do find out and have issues with it, then I
will really know how good of friends they really are.


Good friends will be by your side no matter what, True good friends are rare and very special, you will know who they are.

[Barbra P]

I’m very sorry to hear about your Mother and you have my deepest sympathy, a Mother’s passing is one of the sadder events in our lives. A long illness doesn’t ease the pain of our loss but it does help us prepare for the inevitable and avoid the shock of a sudden and unexpected loss.

Well, I look at it a bit differently, I don’t see it as losing a good friend, I see it as finding out the person you thought was a good friend was in actuality a bigot and a shallow imposter when it comes to friendship. Better to find out now then later when you are in need of a good friend, a friend you can count on – only to find the person you were counting on to have your back isn’t there for you.

[suzanne]

Sorry to hear about losing your friend. It looks like we're still a very long way from general acceptance. Your experience is much the same as mine: acceptance from women, not so much from men. Unlike you, I haven't even considered coming out to my male friends. I just know how badly that will go.

Keep the faith. There will come a day when a CD attracts no more negative attention than anyone else. And you will have true friends that will not abandon you when you try to come out. As Dan Savage says: it does get better.

[RiverdanceGirl]

Actually he's already done a bit of a back peddle and says he has no problem with what I do but I'm pretty sure I shocked him and could have handled it better. He was the first friend I ever had that had the guts to tell me when I was being stupid and harming myself. I was moping over the loss of a relationship and he just basically told me to stop feeling sorry for myself as it wasn't doing me any good and to draw a line under it and move on. It's easy to find a friend that agrees with you all the time but one who cares enough to give you a bit of a wake up is harder to find. So I'm leaving it alone for now. It's true that I broke his expectations of who I was and that's an important lesson to be learned for the future. I need to be more myself and not so much being the person I think someone will like.

Thankyou everyone for the sympathy about my mum. I loved her very much and she was a fantastic female role model.