My SO found out, the good and the bad.

[jackielynn]

I guess it was bound to happen. Lately I had been indulging a little too much and had been more careless than usual with keeping my secret. I'll avoid the messy details and just say that it was a good thing and a bad thing. It was a good thing because I feel like me and her have a closer relationship than ever before. I mean, she now knows my darkest secret. It was a bad thing because now I can never do it again. And you all know how that turns out. Sure, it'll be fine for around a year, maybe 2, then it'll be back with a vengeance. What hurt me most about it all is that I like who I am and that part of me. I wish I could show her photos and talk about it without her brain malfunctioning, but she just can't get it. So I agreed to never do it again on grounds of breaking up/divorce, but I don't think it's possible. Does anybody think its possible that slowly and subliminally I can open her up to it? That maybe in a year she would be into it? Or is the lesson here that people never can change?

[Marissa]

Sorry that you were found out, but then again, its not best to hide a secret from one who is your spouse...so now she knows but can not accept it..well..careful.. watch for those signs of pulling away because she knows and may have wrong ideas (or right, depending on you).

I opened up to my ex (wife at time) on a long drive.. she even offered a few of her items since i had to work away from home for a duration..recently (now divorced) she confessed that when I opened up to her about dressing, she was confused and thought I was gay.. she didn't ask what my feelings really were about dressing.. as I would have told her it was about the feeling..not sexuality in that sense of being with a man.

So be careful..talk with her if you can.. and see where it goes.. but..if you want more of dressing..be sure you are ready for the price.. always has one.. :(

Hugs...

[jackielynn]

yea, that's what I'm trying to decide right now. Is it worth the consequences. But really in truly on my end, it will be difficult either way...

[Ellie52]

Do you think she would consider a very minor compromise? For instance, you promise you wont do anything else, if you could occasionally wear a pair of panties. This would be a very small thing on your part but a major concession on her part. Start talking about what she wears that is considered male attire -Jeans T shirts etc. If she'll discuss this and allow the concession, you'll be ok as later on you'll be able to add other items like stockings/pantyhose under jeans etc.
I am really lucky and my wife doesn't care what I wear in the house, as long as nothing comes back on her or our family.
Women are very good at putting things in perspective and unfortunately, whatever is said on this site - CDing is not classed as normal behavior. In fact deviant behavior would be how your wife see's it.
If everything else is OK in your relationship the compromise above may be the start but if there are any cracks at all dont risk any confrontation as neither of you will win....Ellie

[Alice Torn]

Sorry/ That is no easy thing. I believe it is possible to stop dressing, but there will always be the desire. I have been found out, by many now, because i opened up to a wrong person. I am single, and will likely never have a SO, at age 59. I hope you will work on other fun hobbies, and interests, to replace some of the desire. And , when the desire is strong, say, you did it, but not do it. I know it has taken over my life, and i have mental and emotional problems as well, so , I would be better off abstaining, too, though the desire, and thoughts would not totally go away. I have found, that most women do not want a man who dresses at all. They have trouble respecting us, without the Cding. One day, or minute at a time. I do hope you and your wife will have compassion and respect with time.

[Jessicajane]

maybe let things settle for a few weeks and then ask to have a talk with her about things...be honest and tell her thast all research suggests that its part of you and will return, you dont want to lie or hurt her so maybe start with dressing when she is out , with the promise all will be away on her return, at least then you are not living a lie and she does nt have to comfront it...if she brings the shutters down and wont talk just remind her that a marriage is about the good the bad the difficult and the compomises of life....if the relationship is strong and love flows both ways there is a good chance that you will reach an agreement hopefully it will work out I wish you well...

just for the record my wife is quite strong willed over things and when I came clean over how I felt, it was close to being a marriage breaker, but with time and careful and gentle communication and honesty, I have a totally different life, sure she isnt skiping down the road arm in arm both dressed up, but she has moved massively from where she was, I dress at home on occasions with her there, go out dressed with friends with her knowledge and she has even been out with me once , but lets just say that she didnt exactly enjoy the experience (spent the night looking like she had swallowed a wasp) but hey the point is, there have been times when I have thought there was no hope, be honest and stick to your guns and there is a reasonable chance you will broker a deal, start promising not ot do it again and you are setting yourself up for a heap of trouble in the future.

[Tina955]

I know first hand what years of abstaining from CDing can do to you. After coming out to my wife, I promised I would never do it again. The fact that I worked 12-14 hour days and on call 24/7 helped me keep it on the back burner. But the desire was always there. Denied this part of me for 27 years until my wife passed away in '09 of breast cancer. Took me over a year after her passing to loose the guilt. Then the flood gates opened. Spent $1500.00 in one month on everything from wig to heels and everything in-between. Another thing is now I have a full blown GD. I am single and I can't get past wanting to find a women and wanting to be a women. Starting to think I will be alone the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if had I been able to indulge myself all those years, would it still have blossomed into GD.
So I can testify that denying yourself for years is not good in the long run. I never felt as if I was an angry man, but I can't count the times people asked me why I seem like I am angry or not happy. Now I can dress whenever I want, but it is not enough. In fact sometimes even CDing gets me down as it reminds me I am not who I wished I was.
Sorry for rambling.
Wishing you all the best and like others have said maybe with a little time and patience she will come around.

Tina

[Teresa]

When you say you were careless with your secret did she catch you dressed or did you leave some stuff out ? If you have stuff hidden she hasn't forced you to purge it ? If she still thinks you have stuff do you think she's half expecting you to do it again ? I think I would be inclined to let the dust settle and give her time to think about it. The sad thing is you feel bad because you love her and you feel you've hurt her and your guilt is building up, what screws you up is not knowing why you do it. I have to admit I couldn't go two years I can't go two days but mine is sexual.

[KristyE]

Jackie, You echo many of us here. I told my SO I would go to a therapist and it calmed the situation. We went to counseling together and it opened a dialogue and led to some compromise, a place to start.
Love KristyE

[(Sara)]

This isn't about you anymore, its about both of you now. Your SO has "found out" in your words, so I am assuming you didn't even tell her yourself. Now how would you feel about that if you'd found out something that totally changed how you saw her. She's no doubt feeling betrayed and very upset with you, the last thing she needs right now is you coming trying to negotiate terms of dressing. You need to rebuild trust, and over time consistently show you are the man she loved before the secret was out. Maybe then, and that's a big maybe because not all women want that side of a husband full stop. Maybe then, she will be able to open up the shutters and talk about it, counselling probably would be the first point of call once that time comes.

I don't want to sound unsupportive, its just the fact you've dropped something into her life that is completely alien, I think she's got every right to be troubled and your first thought needs to be supporting her, not her supporting you (you'll be fine, you've managed in the closet for years, she is new to everything).

[Katie Oxford]

I know first hand what years of abstaining from CDing can do to you. After coming out to my wife, I promised I would never do it again. The fact that I worked 12-14 hour days and on call 24/7 helped me keep it on the back burner. But the desire was always there. Denied this part of me for 27 years until my wife passed away in '09 of breast cancer. Took me over a year after her passing to loose the guilt. Then the flood gates opened. Spent $1500.00 in one month on everything from wig to heels and everything in-between. Another thing is now I have a full blown GD. I am single and I can't get past wanting to find a women and wanting to be a women. Starting to think I will be alone the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if had I been able to indulge myself all those years, would it still have blossomed into GD.
So I can testify that denying yourself for years is not good in the long run. I never felt as if I was an angry man, but I can't count the times people asked me why I seem like I am angry or not happy. Now I can dress whenever I want, but it is not enough. In fact sometimes even CDing gets me down as it reminds me I am not who I wished I was.
Sorry for rambling.
Wishing you all the best and like others have said maybe with a little time and patience she will come around.

Tina

I'm sorry to hear that things are not always good for you, Tina, and hope you find a way to make them better.

Your story makes me think of an analogy that hadn't previously occurred to me - with back pain. Recently, I was reading some rather fierce online debate between a group dedicated to hunting down medical quackery and someone defending the reasonable aspects of chiropracty (i.e. relief of musculoskeletal pain, such as back pain); at one point the reasonable defender talked about the need to treat such pain when it was in its acute phase, lest it become chronic. What you write about your GD makes me think strongly of the transition from acute to chronic pain - if we (or rather, those of us who start out at the TV end of things) are able to 'treat' our urges, managing them on a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month, year-to-year basis by dressing in a controlled fashion when we need to then they become an understood part of who we are, something that we have to do at certain times, something we can relatively easily make peace with. If we deny them, then they blossom in the dark, growing and growing until they are too strong to be ignored. I'm sure it's no coincidence that the times in my life that (looking back) I feel that I've gone a bit overboard with dressing are times following periods of relative abstinence. I can't imagine what it must have been like to refrain completely for so long and then have the floodgates blown open wide.

[VeroS]

I came out to my wife soon after we were married but confined my "confession" to wanting to wear women's underwear. Although a bit shocked at first, she accepted the situation and very slowly over time I managed to push the boundaries to the point where I now go out fully dressed. My wife is sort of ok with this but like others she doesn't really want to be involved in my Veronica life. The path wasn't a linear one -- situations occurred which allowed a step change in what my wife was willing to tolerate -- I was going to say what my wife was happy with but that is way too strong. So it is possible for SO's to change how they feel about your dressing but it obviously wouldn't be wise for you to rely on my experience to work out what might happen in your relationship. One comment that I have often heard from SO's of CD's is that after the initial shock of finding out they came to realise that maybe one of the reasons they were attracted to their partner in the first place was that they had a strong feminine side and that their SO's dressing was an important part of who they were.

Do I think you can give up dressing? It's certainly possible for a number of years (I did) but the urge gets stronger as you get older and it becomes an itch you just have to scratch.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jackie,

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles and you are right this is both good and bad. Your wife now knows and from what I read she is adamant that you stop immediately. Was there any room for negotiation such as a don't ask don't tell (DADT) style relationship or as Ellie suggested some underdressing? The unfortunate thing here is that you had an opportunity to open dialogue but immediately agreed never to do it again even though you know it will as you said it will be back with a vengeance. You are now at a precipice in your relationship and things could go either way and by agreeing to stop only to get caught later on would most likely be a deal breaker and relationship ender. If you know you cannot stop, you need to come clean and work out some sort of accord with your wife.

My advice is take a deep breath sit your lovely wife down and be honest . . . "This is part of me and it won't go away" If the relationship is going to survive first contact she needs to know everything now in a manner that will allow her to process and ask questions. Is she agreeable to sitting and talking? Remember this is quite the thing to find out and most likely there is a lot of confusion for her (Is he gay? Does he want an operation?). Give her a few days then broach the subject again. Trying to supress something like this can be emotionally draining on you and will most likely manifest itself in your relationship in other ways (e.g., depression, anxiety, anger, resentment) which in the end could also sabotage that which you are trying to save. If you can get her to sit and talk and agree this is not something you can just give up then move forward from there at baby steps (What can she accept? What can you live without?).

I am not saying this will be the easiest road to travel but you have already started down that path and you need to finish. Honesty with her and yourself from this point forward is a better option than hiding and hopefully not getting caught again. Remember she knows now and she is going to be very observant of your behavior from this point forward so little things are more likely to tip her off than before.

Hugs

Isha

[laciewhite]

oh gosh jackie i don't think anything good will come of this situation. its just gonna make you miserable and resentful towards your SO.

i really hope you two can work out some sort of compromise..

[Lynn Marie]

Getting caught is the very worst way of "coming out" to an SO. Of course they are going to question your sexuality and everything else about you and your relationship with them. Consider yourself lucky if they don't immediately file for divorce. The worst part for the woman is can she ever fully trust you again? You have a deep hole to dig yourself out of. It's not going to be easy. I'd get another hobby!

[mykell]

ok, lots of good advice here, the major problem is your a crossdresser,
so trying to save the marriage by abstinence is not going to work, the details may actually help us advise you,
since you know your not going to change is it fair to assume that she will ?
just had the reveal last week, still not out of the woods but things got a little back to normal, DADT.

anyway she could not talk about it but she e-mailed me, in it she asked all the questions i had ex-planned during the "talk" all she heard was i wear dresses, so when i answered her e-mail i wrote her a letter.
by doing this i was able to compose my thoughts, go back and re-arrange those thoughts and the structure of them if they made no sense while i read them back and have it in a nice organized package at the same time, it was intimate as is was my true feelings and was current.

so try to put how "you" feel into words, and decide if you want to share "your soul" with your "SO"
cant be any worse than the arrangement you have now....

[Stevie]

Sorry to here that. You are right. In the short term but the desire will come back. I went through this and just ended up finding new ways to hide it. She kept finding it though.

[JessMe]

It's easy to say "honesty is the best policy" in this case (my opinion). ...If this isn't really something that you can/are willing to legitimately stop doing (as I suspect is the case for most of us here...), then you can't really make that promise to her without much more, and much worse heartache down the road. ...that being said, I would advise giving her time to cool down first, before bringing it up again, and treading very softly when you do. I think (and it's been my experience) that her reaction really has a lot less to do with CDing, than it does with her feelings of betrayal, concern, fear, and uncertainty. Best of luck to you, and I'm hoping for the best!

[adrienner99]

This is why I have never told my wife. CDs are doomed to live in this nether world of wondering Who Can We Tell? I admire anyone who is open about it. I never will be. The price is that I am not true to myself. Not much of a deal, is it?

[JessMe]

This is why I have never told my wife. CDs are doomed to live in this nether world of wondering Who Can We Tell? I admire anyone who is open about it. I never will be. The price is that I am not true to myself. Not much of a deal, is it?
Much better to tell than get busted, IMHO. ...if you are able to stop completely for the sake of the relationship, then that's great, but a show of hands if you asked "how many of you have purged and/or taken a hiatus from dressing?" Would likely show that it's not that easy to stop doing for most.

[Sandra]

Ok it's all out can't change that. Now you stop for 6 months, a year then it comes back with a vengeance and you get sloppy and she finds out again then the sh$t will hit the fan.

Your wife needs to understand that this a part of you and though you may try to give up and succeed for a length of time, there is a good chance that it will come back. Then there is the possibility of how stopping is going to affect you, depression, becoming snappy, lying, spending money behind her back.

Ok she found out never a good way, and she has to learn to trust you again, but she needs to educate herself about all if this and how it is going to affect you.

[JenniferR771]

Same thing happened to me. My wife is a bit domineering. However, after many years she realizes I am still a good husband and she still has a good life. After the initial shock, many wives can accommodate a bit of cd. Everybody has a few secrets. Now she is more mellow, she doesn't mind if I dress when she is gone. She accepts occasional support group meetings, if I do not leave the house in drag. When she is ready give her a few links that are fairly presented such as right here. And later she can join the women only group after she has 10 posts.

[kimdl93]

No you can't subliminally manipulate her into being open to CDing. You acknowledge here that this part of you will always exist and you like who you are. Think this through, tell her the truth and brave the storm. It's better than living a lie.

[Cheryl T]

Been there, done that as the saying goes.
My wife 'discovered' a photo of me and thought I was cheating. She was quiet for 3 days and finally asked "who is she?". She thought I was another woman (a wonderful compliment even if in the wrong context).
We talked and cried and talked and cried and I saw she wasn't going to be good with all this so back in the closet I went. I lied about having tossed everything and given it up knowing that I could never do that. I had done the buy/purge thing many times by now.
I continued the lying and hiding for about 15 years and finally was so torn up inside I decided that I had to be me and accept whatever results came of it. I suppose because we were now older and all she was somehow willing to explore this and not give up on US. She now supports me fully, goes out with me dressed all the time and we share clothes and have become even closer than before.


You can try to suppress this and I wish you all the luck in the world if you take that path. I would suggest you be open, talk and cry together, but in my life I have never known anyone who was able to just walk away. Your honesty and sharing of your thoughts and feelings may not win her over, but the hiding and lying certainly will not.

[sweetshauna]

Disclaimer first: I didn't read ALL the post fist, I may repeat an earlier post.

You might just let things stay as they are, and let her wrap her head around it a bit. Maybe refer her to this site.
This may help her come to terms with all this, and the more of this she does on her own may benefit you in the long run.
I've seen many good suggestions here so far, but ultimately what ones will suit your situation best is gonna be entirely up to you.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Beverley Sims]

Jackie,
You do have to work slowly as acceptance can come albeit slowly and you must not push it as any advancement you make can be destroyed in an instant.
Try and play the game and be careful what you do and where you go privately, you do need an outlet though.

[Raychel]

Good thing that the cat is out of the bag, Now if your SO can truly accept this part of you time will tell.
I think you have to be truthful with her and let her know that it is unlikely that this part of you can just
be put in the past and totally forgotten. Once she has had some time to digest all the information and finds
out that you are still the same person, It is possible that in time she may become more accepting, of course
it is also possible that she will not accept at all, only time will tell, So for now, just concentrate on what will make the
both of you the happiest.

[Jenniferathome]

Being found out, is the worst possible way to disclose this as every woman (GG) here has written. It is not the cross dressing but the deceit that hurst most.

OK, so now she knows. There will be no subliminal or otherwise circumspect way to get her to be "into it." You need to part ways with that thought forever. There is, however, a chance that she can come to accept that this is part of you. That secret method is called.... conversation. You may need a counselor to help you two discuss this but you can start by asking her a simple question, "Honey, I'm sorry I did not tell you about this part of me. That's on me. Is there anything I can do to help you understand why I am this way?" Of course, the truth is the why can never be answered but it can be investigated. You made a promise you will not be able to keep and that is another lie that will hurt more. Get on this before it hits.

[natalie edwards]

Well I think if you can give it up for awhile, be it weeks, months, or years, then the problem becomes if you can quit for that long why not forever? Pretty sure that's how she'll see it. That's why I sometimes dress even when I have no desire to do so. It feels like if I let it go for too long then why do you have to do it again.
Another problem is the start off simple and work your way up approach. To me that signifies an uncontrollable progression. So now panties aren't enough, you want a bra? Then what, a dresss, heels, makeup...? That's a problem. Just dress as much as you will ever want from the beginning. And if really only dressing for yourself, be it sexual or for comfort, avoid being too fem. Don't try to talk like a woman or develop too many mannerisms. That will look like you're transitioning.