feeling a loss of control

[GabbiSophia]

was having a very emotional talk last night and the over whelming feeling of wanting become a woman was hard to fight. The fact of the matter is that as I am trying to find things to mitigate my GD and the more it wants to be out... or me out as to say. The train is fierce and its like at times I am just not in control of my own fate. The realization of what comes with transition is scary as hell and I don't want to face the facts of there is no other option but to transition. It's like the things I am trying are not fast enough and it feels like I am obsessed and on edge all the time. I realize this is a process of learning but damn in the mean time it would be nice to have something of a small victory that I was still in control. I can not figure out how to keep what I want and deal with the GD, which has manifested its self in the form of me becoming a full woman. The ride right now is not fun at all. Trying to breath it out all day long is crazy I mean the brain is annoying as hell. I feel like I know what is inevitable and I can't find another road to take and the little things I am trying seem to all be pushing me further down the rabbit hole. Some will say that I can't live this way and that maybe true but I want to live the way I want .. not the way the GD wants... SHeesh...

[Angela Campbell]

This is all because you are fighting it. You are not willing to give up what you would possibly give up to transition? You feel like you are on a runaway train? Yes, I know, I did that too. In my case I could not "mitigate" the GD. I had to satisfy it.

This is the hard part, if you get past this the rest is a bit easier.

[stefan37]

I felt the same way and believe me I was scared. Once I started therapy and realized there were other options I jumped on it and the train no longer felt like it was a runaway. The fears I had were gone and I knew what i needed to do. I was bouncing off walls until I received my first hormone injection. The anxiety was gone in 3 days. That confirmed to me that estrogen was what my brain needed all these years. Yes transition is scary. But living your life as you are is no better and in many ways worse. Nobody says you need to transition but you. you do need to explore your options and try different things. No your life will not be the same. If you are married the odds are great it won't survive. You are young and have your whole life head. Why live it in suffering and pain to be a martyr to those around you. You deserve to live happy and at peace. This is a fight you are destined to lose one way or the other unless you take action to break out of your self imposed prison,

I will echo Angela thought. Once the fear is abated, and you realize that every step towards transition is the right move, it becomes much easier. Take steps. Start facial hair removal yesterday. You may find that is enough action to help mitigate your GD and slow down that runaway train. It is time consuming, expensive, but really nobody will know or even care and you can try to survive longer as a male.

[Aprilrain]

Trying to mitigate GD with a little bit of CDing is like trying to I mitigate alcoholism with a little bit of drinking. It dosen't work.

Really you don't want advice from the likes of me, I lost the battle, I transitioned and I have no idea how to make GD go away other than to transition.

I do know The more you fight this the less in control you will feel, ironic huh?

Transition takes a long time and there is no rule that says you have to go all the way. You can dip your toe in and see how the water feels. Find a support group, it will give you a safe outlet for being you. Maybe hormones will help and you can stop short of full transition. Maybe this maybe that, who knows? If you find a solution for GD other than transition you could be a rich MAN!

[GabbiSophia]

April I actually get your point about cding I have tried not do anything and that doesn't work as you know already. I am trying slow steps to find something that keeps it manageable. Sure there are tons that would say yeah right but I have something I do not want to lose ... and as they say ... If you have something you don't want to lose don't transition

[Dawn cd]

I am not a transwoman but it sounds to me that the strain on you is such that you need an outlet—a support group or therapist—that will help you bear the load. None of us is totally "in control"—whether of GD, or the aging process, or the global economy. These forces simply sweep us along, and trying to maintain the illusion of control can make us crazy. However this doesn't mean there's nothing we can do. By joining hands we can find stability even in the torrent. Then take little steps. You may not be in control, but neither are you alone.

[rachael.davis]

Denial is only usefull if you're interested in being miserable, developing DAT abuse issues, or having a psychotic break.
You are in charge of your fate, but it sounds like you (as in you) are a woman trying to deny that you exist.

It isn't easy

[PaulaQ]

Trying to mitigate GD with a little bit of CDing is like trying to I mitigate alcoholism with a little bit of drinking. It dosen't work.
...
I do know The more you fight this the less in control you will feel, ironic huh?

I think you are correct - it doesn't work. I'd like to talk a little bit about the difference between alcoholism and gender identity issues as we experience them here. (I've been sober for 24 years.) You are definitely on the right track, and obviously reached the correct conclusion for yourself!

What I've come to realize, and I believe this realization ultimately saved my life, is that in exactly the same way I am powerless over my addiction to alcohol, I am powerless over my gender identity.

The key difference between treatment of my alcoholism, and the treatment of my gender identity is that abstinence from alcohol is required for the one, but abstinence from expressing my true identity is what doesn't work for the latter!

This may seem backwards, but think about it - what hasn't worked in my life?
1. Hiding my identity from others - this has led me to be deceitful, wrecked a couple of marriages, all manner of problems.
2. Hiding my identity from myself - it has robbed me of the life I should have lived. I have lived a life of fear, misery, depression, and rage.
Ultimately, trying to suppress my gender identity lead me towards suicide.

Suppressing this stuff simply doesn't work!

What I realized is that I have to do exactly the opposite, and explore my gender identity, and express it, regardless of the cost. This may sound like the denial of the alcoholic, but it really isn't. The key realization I've had is that my problem is NOT my gender identity - although I certainly need medical treatment to fix my body so that it is congruent with my mind. (Alcoholics frequently need medical treatment to gain sobriety, withdrawal from chronic alcoholism can be fatal.)

My gender is an indelible part of who I am. I can't change it. Though my body belies my true gender, the gender of my mind is the correct one. The problem I face is that the denial and hiding that society has demanded from me is the true "sickness" I face. Trying to deny who we are makes us insane, we lose all control and engage in all manner of self-destructive behaviors, or lash out and hurt others. This is EXACTLY the same type of behavior the chronic alcoholic engages in - believe me, I know, I did it all.

Mitigating GD isn't about trying to fit in to society, or continuing to hide. It's about survival until you can receive treatment such that your body and mind are in harmony. For many, but not all, of us this means full transition to the opposite gender from that which was assigned at birth.

The losses we incur are tragic - I can understand wanting to avoid them. It's cruel that the insanity of the world around us punishes us and drives us to insanity over a tragic childhood condition. (This is almost certainly what most of us on this forum suffer from - an undiagnosed / untreated childhood condition where the gender of our minds differed from the gender of our bodies.)

As for the losses, all I can tell you is to bear them. You don't have any power over this stuff anyway, and you can lose far more by suppressing your true self than by expressing it, although I know full well that sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.