Concerns about revealing this forum to my GF...

[Caden Lane]

I'm torn about sharing this forum with my girlfriend. For several reasons; For starters she knows I wear lingerie, but not to what extent. When I had my surgery, she asked me if I had any burn boxes in case I did not survive surgery. ( she is a thinker/planner of epic proportions) I was very honored that she would think of that and bring it up. At the time my stuff occupied a medium sized trunk and small drybox. I told her where and what they were, and she promised to take care of them if things went badly. Thank God she was thinking like that, and thank God it wasn't needed. But by me telling her about the trunk and box, she knows to what extent my collection went.

I have not told her that I wish to wear outer clothes or that I wish to go out in public. So I worry that if she came to the forum that she would see that a lot of CDs wish to go out. My other concern is that she will see posts from other sisters who prefer to date men. Id hate for her to even have in the back of her mind as she learns about this, that just because I dress, that at some point I may want to date other men. Another fear is that she may perceive that I want to transition to full time. I hope no one takes my concerns as a slight against them. These are just my concerns about revealing this site to my GF as she takes baby steps.

I guess what I am asking is; are these fears rooted in anything? Are they legit fears? How would any of you handle this?

[Tina_gm]

My wife is not a member, but she has read some of my posts, and others on here, along with other CD stuff online. And believe me it gets worse when they go off searching crossdressing on their own, holy moly. The only way I have addressed it is that there is a full spectrum of people when it comes to CDing. That the transgender spectrum runs from occasional to transition, and sexuality of every kind. Yes, it is likely she will not have an easy time reading about those who do or wish/fantasize about dating or being with men. Those who are in the process or wish to transition. But, if she does look at this forum, there is also ample amounts of people on here who are married, loyal not in any way interested in men (even some who are TS) so that shows that it is not connected to sexual orientation. Plenty who have no desire to transition or live 24/7.

[Di]

I would say if she searches the web for answers she might find us on her own.

Some new GGs read these things and freek out at first BUT then understand there are many types of cders AND they knowing you.....PLUS we GGs let them know none of us go through any of that.

To me the positive outways all that as they have a place to talk, understand and grow.
My:2c:

[Caden Lane]

Thank you GM. While we know its not connected to sexual orientation, I just don't need the extra hassle about trying to convince her. While she is very tolerant and supportive of gay folk, I don't know her thoughts or feelings on transgender folk. More importantly, how do those supportive thoughts and feelings translate to me if she suddenly perceives that I might lean that direction, even if i do not.

Thank you Do.

[PaulaQ]

Hon. This stuff isn't going away. Believe me, you may as well tell it all to her now, and if she can't deal with it, you are better off finding that out NOW rather than after you've been married for a few years, and it all comes out anyway.

Whether she is supportive of LGBT folks or not doesn't really make any difference. It doesn't. What someone will tolerate in society is often different from what they will tolerate in their relationships. If my best friend had transitioned, my wife would've been there for him every step of the way. When I came out as trans - she simply couldn't handle it.

Tell her now, and tell it all to her. Good or bad outcome, it will be for the best in the long run.

[Di]

if she suddenly perceives that I might lean that direction, even if i do not.


You talk to her....it is up to you to help her understand.

[Wildaboutheels]

THE most important Q for you is whether your GF is a Realist who lives in the RW. How long have you known her? Unfortunately, most folks are unable or unwilling to gather enough FACTS and then reach a conclusion. They are far too willing to read, see and hear what they WANT to see. Or merely see enough "evidence" about what "most" people think, do or say and falsely conclude that's what will happen.

You will find many GGs as well as CDers here who [because things worked out for them] think this site can or will make the CDing "issue" more palatable for all parties concerned. It's important to keep in mind that not ALL GGs feel that way. I know of one [very sharp GG IMO] who no longer posts here and thinks that viewing this site could very well "scare" many GGs. She expressed this to me in a private email.

[Caden Lane]

You talk to her....it is up to you to help her understand.

You are right Di. We do communicate better than any relationship I've ever been in. So at least that is on my side


Hon. This stuff isn't going away. Believe me, you may as well tell it all to her now, and if she can't deal with it, you are better off finding that out NOW rather than after you've been married for a few years, and it all comes out anyway.

Whether she is supportive of LGBT folks or not doesn't really make any difference. It doesn't. What someone will tolerate in society is often different from what they will tolerate in their relationships. If my best friend had transitioned, my wife would've been there for him every step of the way. When I came out as trans - she simply couldn't handle it.

Tell her now, and tell it all to her. Good or bad outcome, it will be for the best in the long run.
You are right Paula.thank you.

[heatherdress]

Cadenlane - Your fears are legitimate. She certainly could become very fearful reading the array of different opinions and issues. Your crossdressing interests and behavior might be very limited compared to others. You should be sharing your behavior and interests, not all those on this site that would be exposed to her and maybe scare her unnecessarily. It is your behavior that is important, not ours.

[Gillian Gigs]

IMHO it is better for you to sit down and have a good talk with her, than for her to get some wrong ideas from the wrong sites. Talk about your wants and get her thoughts on how far is too far, so you have an idea as to boundaries in which you both can live. Be up front about your sexuality, it might help her to see that you already have set your own limits as to what you are looking for within this lifestyle. Some simple communication can go a long way.

[Caden Lane]

As much as im fearful of what she might stumble upon...either here or elsewhere, l fully realize that this forum is also an excellent resource. But there is a downside for every upside. I do worry about where else she may get information. If i give this resource to her, she may not even come here. But if she does, and I keep our excellent communication channels open, then perhaps my concerns will be rendered moot. One can dream I suppose.

[ReineD]

You need to know who you are and what your limits are, and become comfortable with it all, so that you can be strong in explaining to your girlfriend the full extent of your CDing. Once you achieve this, then it won't matter to you what others do.

If you behave as if there is a part of you that you don't want her to know, then she will sense that you are hiding something and believe me, she will imagine the worst.

[PaulaQ]

You need to know who you are and what your limits are, and become comfortable with it all, so that you can be strong in explaining to your girlfriend the full extent of your CDing. Once you achieve this, then it won't matter to you what others do.

Sorry, this is just most likely not possible in the time frame we are discussing. If you are already at this point, OP, then by all means, discuss your limits. Many of us though, live in denial and shame about what we need and who we are. Even if we aren't in denial, many of us simply don't know the future and where their CDing will lead. So it's OK if you don't know your future is, or who you are entirely, OP. All you can really do, in my opinion, is open up to her and tell her what you know NOW, as honestly as possible.

You can promise stuff about the future, but honestly, nobody can really promise anything about the future. Not really. And especially those of us who are gender variant.

Sorry to respectfully disagree with you Reine. Virtually ever GG on this forum wants assurance of a few big overhanging questions about the future. Mostly you can never truly give that assurance, because you probably don't know the future, unless it is, ironically enough, the answer NO GG wants to really hear.

BTW, I do think this forum is a good place for GG SO's of CDs. There seems to be very little support in the world for the women who are in relationships with gender variant men. The support that many find here is much needed, in my opinion.

[Jenniferathome]

You can dispel these fears with a frank conversation with her. Once she is comfortable with you, she can come here and see the wild variations.

[Gabbagrl]

Well I think telling her is up to you. What do you think she will get out of knowing you are on here?
Maybe bring it up in random convo that someone on here said something funny or had a great idea. But be careful cause I was kind of upset that my CD bf was on here without telling me right away. Not that he was on here but he didn't include me right away. As I feel we are both new to this and going through it together. But he invited me to join this forum incase I have questions and concerns. so it worked out for us.
~GG

[AmbersWife GG/SO]

You can dispel these fears with a frank conversation with her. Once she is comfortable with you, she can come here and see the wild variations.

And expect to have that conversation over and over again.

[KaceyR]

Pretty much all has been said..and by people that have more direct experience as far as spouse/GF.
And I agree...this is a good informative site for all.
With some explanation warning of the facts of varied and extreme (and several quite frank-e.g. fetish CDers) discussions that can go on but also of the varied examples of relationship discussion can make it very nice to show the feelings and events from all sides of the issue.

I was very surprised the other day doing some digging and finding literal other websites out there... with link names that make them seem like a nice "helpful" site for the wives/GF's of CDers.. yet they're instantly in the main pages' paragraph going off about how bad, how it was an abomination,etc the whole ball of wax. (and it's oh so nice of Google to put these at the top of the lists...:( ) It's very close to being a (or maybe could be construed as) literal hate site in the vitriol spewed. To have so much hate and to use that to "convince" others to "her" cause quite literally borders on libel/slander and makes remarks that almost seem as bad as a racial hate page. My thought on those was that this was a person that had _no_ intention of ever trying to "understand" and work with her spouse.. just doesn't like it and wants to "convert" others to her cause which is bad, highly misleading and makes me feel (in analyzing relationships) that these women would _only_ think of themselves and thus should never have been married to begin with.
But they make themselves out to be the lone "victim" that we CD to hurt them and milk that. I really feel sorry for such closed-mindedness. The speech seemed as strongly on a level to match the hate of a parent that throws their kids out to the streets when they find out the kids are gay... and I have _no_ tolerance for that. The parents cease to be human beings to me then. (have known of a couple of those stories in RL).

Here you get all sides of information, sympathetic ears in the GG/SO sections, and for the SO if you truly are caring you'll find info you can discuss with other SOs, and then your partner, and not just get your mind brainwashed by a hate crowd. Yes some of the subjects are tough, and probably would be best with discussion on both sides to really explain what this means to both of you..and what you plan to do and experience with your CDing life and then ultimately if it works out how she can be a part of it too. That's all part of the better version of communication.

Unfortunately if you're planning to keep the outage plans and so forth a secret instead of allowing discussion then I don't know. After seeing these other websites, I sure would rather her see the full info here and be in a good discussion rather than finding these other hate sites and their misinformation which would shape her thought and immediately block any relationship advancement. They definitely don't advocate any discussion about the CDing like any sane person or good gender/marriage therapist would...

[PaulaQ]

You can dispel these fears with a frank conversation with her. Once she is comfortable with you, she can come here and see the wild variations.And expect to have that conversation over and over again.

Yes, if only a single conversation, and the assurance "I don't want to be a woman, I just like the way the clothes feel!" were sufficient, or even the only issue...

I think the only time there's a single conversation is in a DADT situation, and even then...

[kimdl93]

The average person can easily google cross dressers and get 10,000 hits, most of which would give a very bad impression do us. Anyone seeking information on the web or on a discussion board should be prepared to take what they read with a grain so salt. I can think of a lot worse places for her to learn. Just make sure you're clear and honest in discussing what all this means to you.

[Caden Lane]

I have no illusions...there is not an easy fix or magic pill. Despite the amazing relationship we share, I'm sure there will be a multitude of conversations, reassurances, question and answer conversations. A "normal" life is no longer in the cards for me. All I can do is do and say what I know to be right, and if true, unconditional Love is meant for me with her! Then her acceptance is what I'll receive for my efforts. If not, I'll endeavor to find the one. I've survived two failed marrages with DADT arrangements... and so far, this relationship is off on a great footing. She's already bought me panties without me asking, which is far more than than either ex-wife ever did. Perhaps the best way to begin these frank conversations, would be to share this group of posts with her. Perhaps not. But ultimately, I have faith in her Love for me.

[PaulaQ]

I'm sorry that I misunderstood the extent to which she accepts you.

If she's as accepting as all that, I think the forum would not freak her out too badly. That is, she may read some disturbing stuff here, but the fact that you'd show this to her should tell her that you aren't hiding anything. She may pickup new stuff to worry about - that is a legitimate fear - but there are many GG's here with whom she could speak who are very accepting of their spouse's CDing. If nothing else, she could get the assurance that she's not the only woman in the world dealing with this, and get reinforcement that there is nothing wrong with her, as well as fellowship and encouragement from others who've been in her situation.

[Caden Lane]

Its okay Paula. I'm trying to cover so much ground in each post I feel like I'm leaving details out. I do not wish to misrepresent her understanding. She's purchased a few things for me, but she is wanting to experiment and learn. So we are in a learning curve. So my hope is to tap into that curve while she wants to learn.

[Di]

Sounds positive to me wanting to experiment and learn.:D

Taking the journey together can make for a very close relationship imho.

Best Wishes

[Eryn]

I think that you and she need to have a serious and honest talk. Start off with "There are some things that have been bothering me and I think that we should discuss..." And then do just that. Then listen to what she has to say in return.

As far as reading this forum, I think that I'd rather have my SO reading this forum than a random forum found through a Google search. Those are likely to be either sexual, p**n, or hate sites. Yes, there are some things here that might give her pause, but with a guide she will quickly learn that we are all different and have different interests. The forum is a great way of bringing up questions or concerns that otherwise would remain undiscussed.

[erindemia]

I'm no GG, but I am new to this forum -- and the biggest thing that stands out is the diversity of experience and opinion. I would think her most likely takeaway is that one thing does not necessarily mean another.

[AngB]

From a GG's perspective.........

After my CD bf revealed to me his desire to CD, we had a couple of long discussions about it in which I asked a LOT of questions. My biggest fear was that he was leading up to breaking up with me. After much reassurance, that fear passed, but I still had questions...some of which he could not answer (I am the first and only person he has ever told). After a couple of days, he showed me this forum and told me that, although he's not a member, he had looked around on it and thought it would be a good place for me (and him) to learn. And let me say, this forum has been the best thing that could have happened to us! Most of the questions we (mostly I) had have been answered just by reading the posts/threads already here. It took me a little bit, but I soon came to realize that the spectrum here is VERY wide....from those who only CD on occasion, to daily CD, all the way to TS, and everything in between.

I understand your fear that she would get the wrong impression by some of the posts, but (like others have said) if she goes looking on her own, she is going to find some horrible websites out there. The key is to keep the communication open and honest. If she has questions, do your best to answer them honestly.

She sounds like a wonderful girl who cares very much for you. I wish you the BEST!

[Jordan]

This forum is a very restrictive forum I don't think she will have a problem with it as most ggs don't and they can get good answers from people on here to help them out

[vallerie lacy]

You're a lucky girl to have such a thoughtful GF. Show her the respect that she deserves and have an honest discussion with her concerning your desires.

[Beverley Sims]

As your girlfriend already knows something maybe you should release more information as she seems receptive to it.
At the same time you could tell her about this forum.
You do not necessarily have to reveal your identity here.

[Caden Lane]

Given the content of my posts...I think she might find me out here. When I tell her about this fora,, I tell her my alter ego here. I'm done with secrets. Have been since I met her.

[ReineD]

When I tell her about this fora,, I tell her my alter ego here. I'm done with secrets. Have been since I met her.

Good for you! This is the only thing that you CAN do. :)

Also to echo Eryn, it is good to read some of the more sexually descriptive threads together as a springboard for discussion. She will soon learn that this community is diverse, and hopefully she will also learn to be wary of people who take their own slants on things and apply them to everyone else. :p

[Caden Lane]

Here is an excerpt from another thread where I said;

I wear them as often as I can get away these days. I've tried explaining to my GF just how coarse mens underwear are...but I dint think she gets it. May buy her a pair and sees how she likes them...lol

PS- not to take away from this thread, but it correlates with mythread about telling my GF about this board... i bought some male underwear due to my massive weightloss, and told her about it. She was like Woot! But I told her I wish it was a woot, they were justboring old guy undies. Then I added the tidbit about " I just said on the CD msg board I should buy you a pair and see how you like em...lol"

I got a "???" In response... uh oh.

I explained what I was talking about, that its a board for CD's and their SO's and she may find answers to questions and it may put her mind at ease and she very kindly and gently asked me if I would show her the site one day. I said of course, but I had some mild concerns I wanted to talk about before I did! Went awesomely. I knew my heart wojldnt lead me wrong with her. Thank you all for your support, ideas, and thoughts.

[char GG]

I am a GG and had similar concerns about my SO. Although this site has a large spectrum of CD'ers, it is not as scary as some other sites that your wife may find on her own. In my experience, it would be good to keep the communication open even if the questions and/or concerns are repeated many times.

[Caden Lane]

Okay, so I recently told my GF that I wanted to take my dressing a bit further, and told her about this site. It was tough for her at first but she promised babysteps. I'd heard babysteps in my previous relationship/ marriage, and that had been my wife at the times idea of putting off the inevitable. So hearing babysteps again, I had mental images of being 80 or so longing for the next step.

But that fear was unfounded and irrational. In my defense, I know my GF like I've known no other. She's my soulmate in so many ways. So I feel and felt bad for having that fear. So for that I wholly apologize.

The way I found out it was irrational, is that she began to ask questions. What hair color or style was I leaning towards, what style of dress or outfits... I was beside myself. I felt myself leaning too far forward into those conversations, driving them too hard, making them linger longer than they should, so I'd back off a bit.

So this weekemd we were going shopping for some drab clothes for me. But she did promise that we'd maybe go bra shopping. While that didn't materialize due to time constraints, we did sneak in a quick dress search. She even came up with a code to let me know when she was pointing out a dress for me versus her.no luck finding a style I liked though. So we went to lunch, and during lunch, she brought up jewelry, mainly rings for my fingers, and she joked that I could not use the Pandora bracelette I got her for christmas. But she did tell me I could wear the charm bracelette I got her last year when we started dating. I took that opportunity to make it clear I would never borrow her stuff. She took that opportunity to assure me it was okay if we talked about it. I was stunned.

We went on to talk about wigs, colored contact lenses, since I have distinct eyes. Overall it was an amazing day despite not a fe me thing being purchased. I'm still floating a little bit. I hope she knows how happy she makes me, and how much she really does complete me.

[stacey.eyes]

Wow, I know how great that must feel. I have the same reticence to bring up the subject, but am always pleased when I can show my wife a purchase and she compliments the choice. Yesterday brought home a new shift with a peekaboo slit for a leg, and she said, "very nice. But isn't it a bit short?" We both laughed. Once she surprised me with a gift of some antique necklaces. "Floating" is the right word.

[Caden Lane]

She bout me panties very early on when I revealed the lingerie to her. That alone was an awesome feeling. It was something i'd dreamt and daydreamed about for untold years. That sort of acceptance is hard to come by, and i plan on appreciating her in only the way a fully Loved and accepted person can.

Oooooh.... I forgot one of the coolest parts! She wants me to do her nails...so I can learn how to do mine!

[Caden Lane]

I love that this thread has sort of become my update thread. So anyhow this weekend my GF and I were talking about perfumes. I happened to mention that as a teenager, that Sunflowers drove me wild. So without prompting, she asked me if that's what id wear when "incognito" (her word for me dressing). I told her I felt it wouldnt be age appropriate for the look I'm hoping to put together. She said she didn't see why I couldn't wear it if I enjoyed the scent...the only downside would potentially be that the perfume might not work with my body chemistry.

Anyhow, I thought it was cool how she brought up the perfume as it related to my dressing.

[Katey888]

That's a great update to a really super story and progress to date - I love the expression 'incognito' ... isn't that just spot on for what we do.. are... need to be... y'know - just apt! :)

Of course your in a great position with your openness - it's the best opportunity and environment within which both of you can participate in the experimentation. There's a lot of envious gals out here of what might lie ahead for you... :yahoo: Enjoy the developments...

Katey x

[Lexi_83]

My wife is not a member, but she has read some of my posts, and others on here, along with other CD stuff online. And believe me it gets worse when they go off searching crossdressing on their own, holy moly. The only way I have addressed it is that there is a full spectrum of people when it comes to CDing. That the transgender spectrum runs from occasional to transition, and sexuality of every kind. //This is really good advice. An old GF who I did not open up to for a long time had the idea firmly planted in her head that crossdressing lead to transition, period. So the earlier and more honest the dialog, the better.

[Anna H]

I only read the OP's post, so I may repeat what others have said...:happy:

She can read just the opposite of anything you'd fear as well.

The advantage is (telling her of this place) that it takes time to read and
absorb information. Time and thinking any Q&A though is a good thing.

If i try to explain myself to anyone, I'd trip all over myself, backtracking
and seeming to "justify". Time is limited. But if someone reads and takes
their time and thinks and absorbs, I think that's better.

There's one thing I find surprising. That is those of us who do share with
our SO's, very often they're just not interested. Not that they don't care,
but they have their own interests and little with our forums and groups.

My wife looks and can see anything I write/PM/send/receive. But she's
always too busy with her own stuff.

If yours is interested, I'd think a lot can be learned. Especially that we're
all as different as we could possibly be. Is that a good thing?...I think so.
We can't be stuck into individual slots/boxes....because we're all unique.

Maybe she'd learn that you are you, and not some caricature version
of a CD that the media makes us out to be. And that we have True and
Real support here...not some crazy/skeezy dating service. That's got
to be a Good thing, I'd think.

If there's Decent/Clear info on the internet concerning what we do...it's
here. I've looked near daily for almost 18 years, and nothing else comes
as close (that I've found)

Just my $0.02 (don't know how many £ that is, but am curious...)

:happy:

Edit: --my post is irrelevant now, but i'll leave it for anyone else to read....

[Princess Grandpa]

I would never tell another to tell their S.O. if they were inclined to keep it secret. While I do believe honesty in a relationship, with the potential consequences I would understand why one would guard their secret closely. In your case, she already knows and hasn't run away screaming. Seems to me more dialog is in order if she's of a mind to know more. Keep those lines of communication open

I would love to read an update on how you choose to proceed.
Hug
Rita

[Stephanie47]

I recommend you show your girl friend this site. Unless you have your computer privacy setting to exclude really objectionable sites, if your girl friend surfs the net she is really going to get an eyeful. Sure there are threads on this site of men transitioning to women. There are plenty of threads started by 'recreational' cross dressers with absolutely no desire to transition to a woman.

The real question that arises once the woman finds out her man wants to cross dress is her reaction. From what you have stated in the thread you and her are evolving together. Certainly you are not in the segment of cross dressers who have an extensive wardrobe and have ventured out into the world as a woman. My biggest concern when I read threads such as yours is when will cross dressing become more than the woman can handle. Even with evolving there may come a time when she says the relationship is getting out of balance. That's when negotiations occur for establishing limits. Each relationship is unique so I will not offer any advice other than to listen to your girl friend. And, if she wants you to slow down to her pace do not take it as rejection of YOU.

[Caden Lane]

@Stephanie47- well, she knew of my love for lingerie from early on in the relationship, she even bought me some panties shortly after I revealed that. My revelation that I wanted to dress more thoroughly came as a shock to her, but I was able to sincerely reassure her that it shan't evolve further from there, as I've no desires for my dressing beyond that. So I've no worries about the evolution of things. But I thank you for your advice, and please rest assured, I am pacing myself with her pace.

@Princess Grandpa- silly story really. While I'm not certain if it was a sub conscious effort or slip up on my part, it was essentially an accident. I had intended on telling her in person, in a quiet and personal setting. As it was it happened by text. I had mentioned something funny I had seen on this site. I took for granted that she would expect me to be a member of such a site. She had not. So I found myself explaining what it was, and what I got from it. But what crossdressing revelation would bd complete without questions andqueries . To hear her tell it, I revealed a tidbit, and thenibegan to unravel, revealing everything, as though the floodgates had been opened. I was invigorated by the fact she wasn't angry and was her usual accepting self.

Later that night as things had started to settle in for her I did comment she wasn't all sunshine and roses...I was nervous she was having a change of heart. But she reassured me that she Loved me, and nothing was changed.

It didn't go as I had planned, but it did happen. Thank God.I never knee how much that secret effected me on a equally basis.

[Caden Lane]

Got my first set of black patent heels today...and my GF taught me how to walk in them!