When Does It Become More Serious and Have You Crossed The Line?

[Ilsa]

Do you dress as a woman because you feel you are a woman, or do you just want to feel more feminine? If and when fantasy turns into a gender conflict how do you deal with it, What are the frustrations and the consequences when you come to this divide?

[Rachael Leigh]

I don't have that conflict, I did at one point but then I realized that going thru any kind of surgery or chemical changes is only cosmetic. I know I am a man and that will never change, putting on a dress is just part of my personality as a man, now maybe I don't present as one but I don't have any illusion that I'm really a women either

[Hell on Heels]

Conflict, not anymore. I feel it was more a curiosity and really not knowing how far this could go. Again, education on ant subject is most helpful. If you are personally having a hard time figuring out where you are going, if CD'ing is just the start of your transgender journey, only you can make that determination. There is plenty of info available here and elsewhere on the web. I simply made comparisons to what others experienced, which path they were lead down, and have come to where I am today, A man that likes to wear clothes "designed" for women, and present as one.
Look hard and you'll find the path is clearly marked for you.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Lorileah]

welcome to the forum.

Some things you need to know and will be brought up here about your post. Most TSs have always known they were female inside and they don't just wake up one morning and say "I am now a woman". We joke and discuss here about those who slide over the line after awhile. In fact a common joke is "What's the difference between a Crossdresser and a transsexual?...3 years" But the truth of that is when it is true the TS knew but didn't follow through on it preferring at the time to remain a cross dresser. The gender conflict is always there in these cases.

Those who admit it or cross the divide as you say have many issues they need to deal with and this forum is often the catalyst which helps them accept who they are and act on it. That is the major hump to get over, accepting yourself for what you are.

For instance when I started here I knew I was TS but was content being a crossdresser. I Was satisfied under dressing (actually it was more stealth because my shorts and shoes were usually from the women's department). Then after a major life changing occurrence I "came out" as a non-hormonal, non-surgical TS. In other words I owned the TS banner but lived more like a crossdresser. With time I decided (with another life changing occurrence but not as traumatic) to start hormones and counseling...which is now where I am at. Surgery? Maybe down the road, it is likely but not imperative. There are lots of things that have to come together (money being the top of the list). Yes I know it looks like a progression but it is more a journey with what I have known for years.

Main point is those who are TS are and have always been TS. It is how and when they admit it to themselves. Crossdressers are and always have been "male" inside and have and never will have a desire to change. Confused? Stick around it gets hot in here frequently

[kendra_gurl]

There has never been a gender conflict in my mind. As LeighR said I know I'm a man. No matter how well my illusion of being a female might be to anyone else I know that image looking back at me in the mirror is not the real me. It's only my best attempt to express A PART of who I am.

[Kristy 56]

I don't have that conflict, I did at one point but then I realized that going thru any kind of surgery or chemical changes is only cosmetic. I know I am a man and that will never change, putting on a dress is just part of my personality as a man, now maybe I don't present as one but I don't have any illusion that I'm really a women either

I'm with Leigh with this one.

[Karren H]

It became serious when my wife found out.... and I've crossed lines I never dreamed of crossing! lol. and not in conflict with anyone but my wife....

[Kate Simmons]

In the beginning I thought I wanted to be a woman but after coming to terms with my feelings, it's now something I just enjoy doing. :battingeyelashes::)

[Ilsa]

I think my biggest conflict in this is that at one time I considered myself a heterosexual male who liked to dress in women's clothing. I am now leaning more toward being asexual. I haven't had the need or desire for a female or for that matter a male partner or the want of a sexual encounter for over thirty years. This, with my experience dressing and feeling more comfortable in women's clothing leans me towards being more transgendered. I pretty much have gone through the struggle of wondering whether or not I am a transexual, but realized by listening to others that altering my body in an irreversible way was not the answer. Too many conflicts! So I pretty much asked my question to see why we do what we do from the other CD's on the board. Whether the reason they did it was for sexual arousal, comfort or gender dysphoria.

P.S. I think that social perceptions of who we are may also contribute to how we see ourselves. If we can conquer the way society sees us than I think we would relieve ourselves of the many conflicts within.

[chrissy111]

First and foremost i'm a man, husband and father. The fact that I enjoy my girl time doesn't change any of that.

[CynthiaD]

I am a woman with male body parts. I think it's perfectly natural to be this way, and I see no reason to try to "correct the problem" through hormone therapy or surgery. I think that being transgendered is a normal part of the human condition. I've felt this way as long as I can remember. Perhaps someday I'll change my mind, but this is how I feel now. If you feel differently, by all means, do what you think is best for you.

[Emma Leigh]

I think my biggest conflict in this is that at one time I considered myself a heterosexual male who liked to dress in women's clothing. I am now leaning more toward being androgynous. I haven't had the need or desire for a female or for that matter a male partner or the want of a sexual encounter for over thirty years. This, with my experience dressing and feeling more comfortable in women's clothing leans me towards being more transgendered. I pretty much have gone through the struggle of wondering whether or not I am a transexual, but realized by listening to others that altering my body in an irreversible way was not the answer. Too many conflicts!

What Ilsa said could be describing myself.......I have had pressure to transition but believe it to be pointless and unnecessary in my case

[PaulaQ]

Who would pressure you to transition? Transition sucks! It beats suicide, or a life of unbearable pain and misery. You have to be real about this - because as much as it sucks, it'll save your life if you are suffering from severe gender dysphoria. (What a worthless term for a horrible condition - I'd MUCH rather have cancer than GD!) Transition will generally mitigate your GD.

Sadly social prejudice insures that many other parts of your life will, at minimum, be more complicated, and for many of us, it creates terrible suffering in its own right. (Trans women are at the BOTTOM of the social ladder, and trans women of color are at the absolute nadir.) So it does get better - but the question many of us end up asking is "better than what?".

The "line" by the way is "transition or die." I've been there - don't wait to cross the line, because you may well do something stupid and die. I certainly tried that last year.

[Lori B]

I'm happy at the stage where I am ,wherever that is:doh:

[Jaylah414]

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been captivated by everything about a woman – The way she moves, the way she speaks, her facial expressions. Even the way a woman is expected to behave in social circumstances fascinated me. I wanted to be one of those women I admired so much.

I simply came to realize that I was more comfortable in the role of a women. It’s not the clothes or any other outward expression. It’s just how I feel. I enjoy feeling like a woman.

It’s not that I didn’t like being a boy and later a man. I’ve never had any delusions about my gender. I’ve lived the biggest part of my life exactly the way society expected me to, and have had few regrets. Believe me, I’m much more convincing as a man than I ever will be as a woman, no matter how far I take it.

I simply can’t imagine having a gender conflict. The only real conflict I see is that concerning societal norms, occupational expectations and relationship status. I joined this forum because I know that will eventually come up. And, when it does, I’m hoping that I’ll have developed a base of support that I can lean on.

In the end, we’ll all have choices to make, and folks will want to influence those choices. Our only option is to make the best choice we can and hope it’s the right one.

[kathrynt21]

I started out thinking it was just "plain ol' cross dressing." But after a lot of help, I realize it is more. Trying to find a balance at this age! Not really thinking about transitioning, but know I have to be more open and out there with it.

I should add that I have felt, since about age 5 that I was a girl The usual things. Praying I would wake up with girl parts, etc. I buried it for years to the detriment of me and those around me. I had hoped I was "just" a cross dresser because I thought that would make it easier. Now I know that's not the case. Took a lot of sitting on the couch for an hour to get to this point, but I don't think I've ever been happier.

[JessMe]

The TS ladies that have posted here are right... and, TBH, Lorileah's in particular struck a chord with me. ...the "line" is always there. You don't really start off as "just a crossdresser" and suddenly decide to transition... no more than you can be "just a transsexual" and suddenly decide to be a crossdresser. Who you are is who you are, and that's the long and short of it... and, as mentioned, there are very real consequences to not living as you feel you should. I can confirm, as someone with gd/gid (whichever you prefer), that has chosen against transition (for the benefit of others mostly... since we're being honest), that the feelings and desire don't just go away, and yes, they occupy a good 90% of my thoughts

[busker]

now leaning more toward being androgynous. I haven't had the need or desire for a female or for that matter a male partner or the want of a sexual encounter for over thirty years. .
Perhaps rather than androgynous, you might be among the folks who consider themselves asexual.
I saw an article in the last day or so but can't find it now, but here are two articles dealing with people who are happy being asexual--not having sex partners.
The NYTimes
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/09/fashion/thursdaystyles/09asexual.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
and the Huffington post has a 6-part series
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/asexual-relationships_n_3362206.html
The cding may be something altogether unrelated, or it might be a "substitute".


I'd MUCH rather have cancer than GD!)

That would just be changing seats on the Titanic. BTW, I have it, and I really doubt that you would want it.

[Adriana Moretti]

I had a moment like this last week...those that know me will refer to it as "the paper bag incident" ....I took a look in the mirror....and stared at myself...and although I loved what I saw in the reflection....I was terrified of her too. Anxiety set in and a million thoughts raced. I knew I crossed some sort of line....

[Ellie52]

Im a Dad and a Husband first. Then when time and inclination permits I can be Ellie. But 99% of the time Im Dad. I have no intention of changing my mind and after 52 years I think I know where I am at.
1) Loving husband to a gorgeous wife of 28yrs
2) Happy Father to a great 21 year old
3) Owner of a lovely German Shepherd we rescued from the pound.
4) Partner to a great lady called Ellie who comes to visit occasionally and keeps her clothes in my wardrobe. I do wish she'd put her shoes away though.....E

[Beverley Sims]

I gave up gender conflict "thoughtology" years ago.
I just get on with it now.
I do not bother to analyse myself and I would just confuse an analyst anyway. :)
I have little or no conflict with my feelings whatever the weather conditions.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ilsa,

I had a similar epiphany when I first started down the road to CDing and as some who have followed my post at a very break neck speed. I have gone from dressing at home to being out and about in a very short time but have done this under the guidance of a gender identity therapist. Not to say I am TS but in my current employment, accessing the military medical system for something like CDing is an immediate trip to a gender identity therapist.

Over the months I have worked with her and this question of "where is all this leading to" came up early in my journey. Specifically I got scared that I was sliding across "the line" I guess "right of CD". :eek: My therapist indicated (an my wife will confirm this) in a way, I was at the same stage of GG teen discovering her sexuality for the first time and this was most likely creating confusion and thoughts that I might be TS.

As we worked through these questions the agreement was to normalized my dressing and presentation of Isha in the real world to determine if this was an occasional thing or would it be more permanent. While I loved being dressed "en femme" in the real world, I found the confusion began to subside and while dressing was fun it was draining and something I did not want to do all the time. I now realize she is just part of me, another persona I take on when the mood strikes me (i.e., I have left my teen girl Isha behind and have moved forward). I like being a guy so I don't consider myself TS as I have no desire to go 24/7 "en femme". I am just me and Isha is part of me.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

Ilsa - there are some very pertinent points from our TG/TS chums here - I am well across on the CD side of things, similar to Kristyn and Kendra - but I don't think it stops you fantasizing. I used to fantasize that I wanted to be an astronaut.... OK, this is a bit different and has a deeper motivation, but I know that I'm not fantasizing to be a woman for anyone but myself. Even those of us who get into the outside world may do so for validation of their female expression rather than to be considered properly female (although clearly there's a spectrum here too.)
There's a current thread running on 'Who do you dress as' - curiously, most people have answered it as 'What do you dress as...' - but I got to thinking who influenced how Katey wants to look - sure, it's a mixture, but deep down, and only at some times, I want to look like Debbie Harry (as she was in Blondie days around 1980!) :bonk: There are others... :D
Go figure that one.... clearly I will always be frustrated, but it's just a fantasy. Back to normal now...

Katey x

[Suzanne F]

I am last the line also. I do have conflict about what I really am. This has been the toughest and best year of my life. I am trying to find balance but it is very difficult. If it was just me I would be Suzanne permanently. However, that would hurt my wife and son and I don't want to do that.
Hugs
Suzanne

[teri g]

No conflicts. After all these decades I'm certain of my male gender identity and have no desire to change that. I wish to present as female at times (but really don't/can't pass) but would never consider developing a relationship with a male as a female. Female to female? Sure, but beyond admiring/envying her clothes and hair etc, I'd still be having "male" thoughts about her.

[Katehall]

First and foremost i'm a man, husband and father. The fact that I enjoy my girl time doesn't change any of that.

This is my conflict. If I had no family I would be drastically changed, but the fact is they are my pride and joy my reason for living. My accepting wife has made this crossdressing life so much better. Maybe in time when my family and I mature we can all accept together who I am and only then will I attempt further changes. Although a magic wand to change between man and woman would be great. I wish I could be a more fem man and get away without question. Like plucked eyebrows, shaved legs, left over makeup eyes. You know what I mean. For now crossdressing during the free times and under my male clothes will suffice... Oh and in bed during our sexy/romantic nights. Love you so much for that honey!

[Barbara Maria]

I've never had a gender conflict,though I will say that when work is slow(like now)and I can live as Barbara 24/7 for extended periods of time,the pink fog gets so thick that I sometimes lose touch with reality.That's when I enjoy it the most and feel the most feminine.

[Chickhe]

Crossing the line for me is a lifestyle change. ...otherwise its just an escape from my average normal life.

[natcrys]

I didn't know there were lines to be crossed!

I dress because I feel like it.. I could go all "Psych 101" on myself.. but ultimately I just want to look pretty and feminine. I don't think I'm a woman but I also don't think that my feminine side is a fantasy. Both sides are just manifestations of me. Sounds simple, right? ;-)

If there are any conflicts, they are not internal, since I'm completely comfortable with myself. Then again, I had more than 30 years to think about this stuff.

Most of the "complications" come from the fact that I'm not completely out yet. So sometimes, there is a bit of sneaking around (especially in my home-town).. and since my parents/family don't know.. I do occasionally have to hide my pretty stuff in my house a few times a year.

[suchacutie]

I never had time for conflict. After 55 years as a male it only took one morning of a couple of jokes about what I might wear of hers to start conversations that made it instantly clear my male self was not the only gendered self in my head. It wasn't just that I could "look the look" but that there was an underlying approach to life that matched what my wife experiences as a women. Our intense curiosity led us to let Tina have a life and see what we could discover. If it was ever fantasy, that part of the journey ended within minutes of my walking into the room in which my wife was patiently waiting, seeing the beginnings if Tina for the first time. For the last 8 years it's been nothing but very real.