reality check

[GabbiSophia]

SOoo I can not believe how fast things work or move without really doing anything. Yesterday everything really came smack into my face. I have accepted that I am TG at least I thought I had till my mind finally had a no way out moment. Someone asked how do I stop denial... when you find that moment that you can not make any excuses to disprove that your not TG.

My therapist challenged me to think about what I do for me. I have had many moments that I can think of that I do stuff for me and I was debunking her thought process of saying I didn't. Then it hit me. I have started CD to mitigate some of the GD and keep trucking along. This means I have been shopping lately, actually I shopped yesterday, and I realized shopping makes me very happy. Happy because it's for me and only me because I want to be a woman and shopping for woman's clothes is leading me toward that end. I can't deny this at all the two are linked. it was an oh S$%# moment. I had hoped that this wasn't that or lead to the end but now it is slapping me in the face.

SOO I have to find a way to live the life I want. I believe I am going to do things to allow me to live in both worlds at times. I will fully dress and do my thing when I need to as a woman and also live as a male too. I have times that I want nothing to do with being a woman (although it doesn't last long anymore) and I enjoy these moments. I believe I am going to look to start lazer as some have suggested and this will allow me to still do both. I know from reading what steps to take to help ease the GD and I believe I will be starting some of them slowly. Now all the problems begin in my opinion. Losing weight is huge hurdle for me not just for a better appearance to blend but just for my health. Deep breaths on my part as I try to figure out how to do both and try to be a gender outlaw if I can.

There is so much going on in my head now a days and the only time it quiets is sleeping. Between work and life and now this ... sheesh ... talk about being angry sometimes. OO and just for the record .. the CD'ing ..I am not sure it helps but actually makes it worse .. I figure this is common and I hate having to take them off. Trying to keep it together one day at a time atm because things move to slow to ease the GD.

[Aprilrain]

OO and just for the record .. the CD'ing ..I am not sure it helps but actually makes it worse ...

:devil: muuhhhaaaa (evil laugh)

[GabbiSophia]

Ok ok April .. haha haha .. i find it at range that it doesn't help

[kimdl93]

Your comments make a great deal of sense to a middle pather who has chosen to straddle the fence too. At this point, why not do those things that you enjoy, when possible, regardless of whether they are 'male' or 'female'. Enjoy the moment. Allow yourself those moments of enjoyment as some compensation for meeting your obligations and coping with the challenges of life as a TG person. If you can learn to maintain a comfortable balance, all is well and good. If not, you still have options.

[Miri]

Your GD sounds worse than mine but I think that when you stop railing against it that the noise quiets down. Even by just not deciding anything and admitting to myself that I don't know where this is going to end up seems to have greatly reduced the whirlwind of brain activity.

The underlying feelings and motivations are still present but by just going with the flow I don't feel like I'm losing my mind any more.

[Aprilrain]

If your like me you'll find that doing anything "fem" will cause "trans acceleration". Translation: the more CDing, or the like, that you do the more you will want to do and the less you will want to go back to being male. This happened for me not on a straight escalating line but rather on an exponential curve! hence the acceleration part. Hopefully your not like me and you'll be able to find a balance where you keep what you are afraid of losing and mitigate the GD to a satisfactory level.

[GabbiSophia]

Well actually it is already happening. I have to take a few moments to check back Iinto "guy" it's not over whelming but I can tell it's wanting to gain speed. Sometimes I am sad or mad when I change but I remember why I am doing it and that keeps me focused. To be honest the gd hammers me about dressing so I do it and after awhile I have to get out of it. Though the times in between wanting to cs are getting shorter. If I go a day without cding I get the jitters. I would swear I was addicted to it but I know a little about that. Under dressing allows me to think and move on with what I want and atm is OK with me. I am really thinking about laser to see if that will work and stretch it out. It's the life I lead but hey it is OK cause I am OK with it

[LeaP]

Be happy that it stops in your sleep. Although not every night or all night, I have very frequent "trans dreams" (my term). Some are merely me as female. Those are quite nice. Others are about transition or gender-related conflict. Not so nice.

Trans acceleration - love that term - is quite real. So is its corollary: trans acceleration frustration.

[GabbiSophia]

Lea you have to be kidding me .. If gets my sleep I will go insane.. i only get 4 or 5 now.. omg that would suck!!! I get both terms and the frustration. Is a bioatch

[Angela Campbell]

Most of my life I was female in my dreams with a few exceptions.

[LeaP]

Dreaming AS a female (not dressing) turned out to be significant to my therapist. It sort of sat her up when I first spoke about it. In her experience, this only happens with transsexuals, though it does not occur with all of them.

[GabbiSophia]

That's not me I think I may have had one dream like that. I don't hate being a male either, actually the opposite but that's me and I am not judging. Though I have day dreamed and thought being a girl/woman since I was little. All this really is still sinking in and I have "know" about it for over a year.... that's the reality check..

[Christina Kay]

Wow , I've almost always have dreamed either underdressed or as female. Would catch glimpse's of myself in broken mirrors , could see the end of my blonde hair, blue sweater and smaller womens hands . If I dreamed I was a male I was usually fighting in those dreams . Sorry didn't mean to stray from topic:) Hugs:battingeyelashes:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I never dreamed as female...I never thought of it until I read that many people do...

when I first heard of it, it made me happy and jealous...(maybe I'm not transsexual!!! vs hey, why do those lucky people get to dream female?? that sounds wonderful!!)

It shines a light on how deep I had dug the moat around my little compartments!!!

[PaulaQ]

I would swear I was addicted to it but I know a little about that. Under dressing allows me to think and move on with what I want and atm is OK with me.

Your problem isn't that that you are addicted to CDing - although I know exactly what you mean, I experienced the same feelings, and they scared me greatly. (I have 24 years of sobriety.) It is impossible to be addicted to something that is a part of your identity, as this almost certainly is. What isn't working for you so well is projecting a male image to the world. At least, for me, that was what didn't work anymore - trying to hide who I really am. I did it for 50 years. When I finally gave in, my collapse was catastrophic, and nearly fatal.

Don't wait that long to deal with your gender.

BTW, it is possible you'll find a point of balance short of transition. I wish you the best, but don't let denial of who you really are kill you.

[GabbiSophia]

Lol ... i am crossing the Pacific right now apparently. I really have kinda run out of things to hide behind.

[Michelle789]

Most of my dreams have been either observing something really strange or bizarre, involving ghosts, UFOs, strange creatures, strange events, or strange places, and whether I'm male or female is irrelevant and not revealed in the dream (actually, nightmare may be appropriate many times). I've had dreams as a male, and I'm usually fighting against someone, often my parents. The few dreams I've had where I was female I was most at peace. I even had a dream where both me and my brother were female. Lately, I've been having a lot of dreams where I'm coming out as being transgender. I'm still not out yet in real life.

[TrishaMarie]

Wow this is amazing. Steph I can so relate to your post. I do my best to walk to line get my focus together and get work and life in order. I find myself saying if I get this task done then I can go online and shop for something. Then when I find it, I use it as something to again drive myself to accomplish something else in order to allow myself to get it.

I love waking from a dream that I am a woman or out dressed as a woman. It gives me a happy morning and something to think about all day. But again another distraction. Good luck Steph.

[Leah Lynn]

My female dreams run about five to each male dream. Male dreams are usually about past male experiences. I much prefer the female dreams.

Leah

[melissakozak]

Great post Steph, and yes, I can relate in many ways. For myself, the masculine identity I possess is almost the default only because it is the identity most people see on a daily basis, BUT my feminine identity is what keeps me glued together emotionally. I have been seeing a gender therapist for one and a half years, and she has helped me sort out how I am going to live my life and be happy with it--and thus far, transition is off the table but has been discussed. So, keeping myself happy, balanced and centered is important. For each of us, grappling with gender dysphoria, whether or not one decides to transition, is an individual journey and precious few of us grew up with role models on how to make sense of who we are and how to live this kind of life with a very, very unique issue--being TG.