melissacd
01-06-2006, 01:42 PM
I have read many personal stories of cross dressers over the years and how they have dealt with SO issues (because I am trying to figure out how to deal with mine). I find that there are many who co-incidentally around the time of coming out with their cross dressing, also said that their marriages fell apart and they got separated and/or divorced.
It is interesting to note that almost without exception they state that their relationships broke up for reasons other than cross dressing. I am not so sure that is in fact true. I feel that cross dressing plays a much bigger role in a break up than most realize or are willing to admit to themselves.
I believe, and this is just an observation, that for many couples cross dressing is very instrumental in their marital failure. I am not saying that cross dressing is the only reason, but I believe that it plays a very big part.
Why?
- a woman feels betrayed
- a woman feels that her relationship was a sham
- a man feels bitter and resentful at years of repression
- a woman feels scared, threatened, uncertain
- a man wants to catch up on lost time
- years of repression has subverted closeness, intimacy, sharing
Hiding that you are a cross dresser from your spouse is not a good thing, however, I expect that a spouse who really loves you, while shocked, will try to understand and be open to learning about this part of who you are. Many of the qualities that they love about heir spouse are as a result of this aspect of their personality, they just have to come to understand this.
I feel cross dressing is a great contributor to marital breakdown. A man feels that he cannot reveal this side of himself (insert any one of a number of reasons). He says he will not do it because he loves his wife. Years go by, he feels the need but tries his best to suppress it. More years go by and he finds that he can no longer suppress it. He starts to feel the need to express, but he is afraid to because it has been so long, he dresses in secret, may go out to meet others in secret or go to meetings and shop and so on all in hiding. He feels angry and resentful that he has to hide this from his loved one. He feels guilty because he knows he should say something. He feels afraid because he knows anger and pain that revelation will bring. He is afraid that he will lose her.
Years go by, he continues with the guilt, the resentment, the bitterness, the fear, the hidden activities and feelings. He finds it more and more difficult to relate to her, to be intimate with her, to share with her. He feels alone and isolated. Eventually he finds that he is not even sure he wants to be with her. Now all of this has happened in his own mind, he has never had a discussion about this with his SO, so much of this is projection, but it feels real nonetheless.
Perhaps he comes out and takes the heat. Perhaps he gets careless and is accidentally discovered. Eventually it comes out and the explosions happen. At that point it either becomes a new beginning and a better relationship (although there will be much pain there is at least a chance to start relating more honestly) or it becomes an ending. My observation is more often than not it is an end to the relationship.
At some level, whatever the outcome, I believe that it is a relief for both parties because they can now end that hidden tension and get on with their lives.
So while cross dressing is not necessarily the direct cause of the marital failure, it has to be a very strong indirect reason due to diminished honesty, trust, sharing and intimacy in the relationship. That being said, the relationship will suffer and may eventually fail as a result of the side effects of cross dressing in secret.
Just a thought.
It is interesting to note that almost without exception they state that their relationships broke up for reasons other than cross dressing. I am not so sure that is in fact true. I feel that cross dressing plays a much bigger role in a break up than most realize or are willing to admit to themselves.
I believe, and this is just an observation, that for many couples cross dressing is very instrumental in their marital failure. I am not saying that cross dressing is the only reason, but I believe that it plays a very big part.
Why?
- a woman feels betrayed
- a woman feels that her relationship was a sham
- a man feels bitter and resentful at years of repression
- a woman feels scared, threatened, uncertain
- a man wants to catch up on lost time
- years of repression has subverted closeness, intimacy, sharing
Hiding that you are a cross dresser from your spouse is not a good thing, however, I expect that a spouse who really loves you, while shocked, will try to understand and be open to learning about this part of who you are. Many of the qualities that they love about heir spouse are as a result of this aspect of their personality, they just have to come to understand this.
I feel cross dressing is a great contributor to marital breakdown. A man feels that he cannot reveal this side of himself (insert any one of a number of reasons). He says he will not do it because he loves his wife. Years go by, he feels the need but tries his best to suppress it. More years go by and he finds that he can no longer suppress it. He starts to feel the need to express, but he is afraid to because it has been so long, he dresses in secret, may go out to meet others in secret or go to meetings and shop and so on all in hiding. He feels angry and resentful that he has to hide this from his loved one. He feels guilty because he knows he should say something. He feels afraid because he knows anger and pain that revelation will bring. He is afraid that he will lose her.
Years go by, he continues with the guilt, the resentment, the bitterness, the fear, the hidden activities and feelings. He finds it more and more difficult to relate to her, to be intimate with her, to share with her. He feels alone and isolated. Eventually he finds that he is not even sure he wants to be with her. Now all of this has happened in his own mind, he has never had a discussion about this with his SO, so much of this is projection, but it feels real nonetheless.
Perhaps he comes out and takes the heat. Perhaps he gets careless and is accidentally discovered. Eventually it comes out and the explosions happen. At that point it either becomes a new beginning and a better relationship (although there will be much pain there is at least a chance to start relating more honestly) or it becomes an ending. My observation is more often than not it is an end to the relationship.
At some level, whatever the outcome, I believe that it is a relief for both parties because they can now end that hidden tension and get on with their lives.
So while cross dressing is not necessarily the direct cause of the marital failure, it has to be a very strong indirect reason due to diminished honesty, trust, sharing and intimacy in the relationship. That being said, the relationship will suffer and may eventually fail as a result of the side effects of cross dressing in secret.
Just a thought.