Marital Failure

[melissacd]

I have read many personal stories of cross dressers over the years and how they have dealt with SO issues (because I am trying to figure out how to deal with mine). I find that there are many who co-incidentally around the time of coming out with their cross dressing, also said that their marriages fell apart and they got separated and/or divorced.

It is interesting to note that almost without exception they state that their relationships broke up for reasons other than cross dressing. I am not so sure that is in fact true. I feel that cross dressing plays a much bigger role in a break up than most realize or are willing to admit to themselves.

I believe, and this is just an observation, that for many couples cross dressing is very instrumental in their marital failure. I am not saying that cross dressing is the only reason, but I believe that it plays a very big part.

Why?

- a woman feels betrayed
- a woman feels that her relationship was a sham
- a man feels bitter and resentful at years of repression
- a woman feels scared, threatened, uncertain
- a man wants to catch up on lost time
- years of repression has subverted closeness, intimacy, sharing

Hiding that you are a cross dresser from your spouse is not a good thing, however, I expect that a spouse who really loves you, while shocked, will try to understand and be open to learning about this part of who you are. Many of the qualities that they love about heir spouse are as a result of this aspect of their personality, they just have to come to understand this.

I feel cross dressing is a great contributor to marital breakdown. A man feels that he cannot reveal this side of himself (insert any one of a number of reasons). He says he will not do it because he loves his wife. Years go by, he feels the need but tries his best to suppress it. More years go by and he finds that he can no longer suppress it. He starts to feel the need to express, but he is afraid to because it has been so long, he dresses in secret, may go out to meet others in secret or go to meetings and shop and so on all in hiding. He feels angry and resentful that he has to hide this from his loved one. He feels guilty because he knows he should say something. He feels afraid because he knows anger and pain that revelation will bring. He is afraid that he will lose her.

Years go by, he continues with the guilt, the resentment, the bitterness, the fear, the hidden activities and feelings. He finds it more and more difficult to relate to her, to be intimate with her, to share with her. He feels alone and isolated. Eventually he finds that he is not even sure he wants to be with her. Now all of this has happened in his own mind, he has never had a discussion about this with his SO, so much of this is projection, but it feels real nonetheless.

Perhaps he comes out and takes the heat. Perhaps he gets careless and is accidentally discovered. Eventually it comes out and the explosions happen. At that point it either becomes a new beginning and a better relationship (although there will be much pain there is at least a chance to start relating more honestly) or it becomes an ending. My observation is more often than not it is an end to the relationship.

At some level, whatever the outcome, I believe that it is a relief for both parties because they can now end that hidden tension and get on with their lives.

So while cross dressing is not necessarily the direct cause of the marital failure, it has to be a very strong indirect reason due to diminished honesty, trust, sharing and intimacy in the relationship. That being said, the relationship will suffer and may eventually fail as a result of the side effects of cross dressing in secret.

Just a thought.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Melissa-

i am sorry to inform you that i did not give you permission to write my life story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wow that is so on the money in my case its scary..

in a way i dont like to be categorized but in my situation i can't deny it..

i posted my tale elsewhere and i'm sure you saw it,
i am hoping that by leaving the house (temporarily), in a loving way..ie i am making it as easy on my wife as possible, that she will come to accept our marriage as the good one that i beleive it is(was)...if she would look at the whole picture and give up some of the bitterness she feels towards me about the dressing i feel we will have a great chance to reconnect

if not , i'm not sure what i'll do because there are kids involved..

[melissacd]

Michelle,

I am not sure what possessed me to write this piece and I had not seen your post about your specific situation, however, I had been reflecting on al of this and thinking about my own situation. I just felt that we are deceiving ourselves when we say that our cross dressing does not play a significant role in the failure of a relationship. How can it not have this effect?

I am sorry to hear of your situation and I wish you all the best in finding your way back to your wife. Perhaps reflections like the one I just posted can help you in getting her back. We are all here to help each other, I hope this helps others.

Thanks for your wonderful comments.

Huggs
Melissa

[carson]

Hey Milissacd,

What you wrote hits home with me. I'm sorry if you are going through a difficult time of your own with your SO. You could pull any number of threads on my own situation written since last June to know more. Suffice it to say that while my wife of 10yrs and friend of 27yrs found out the hard way (by accident), I would honestly have to maintain that my CD'ing was not the cause of our break up. Our marriage had already turned sour years before even though both of us continued to "put on a good face" to everyone around us. At best, you might be able to say that my CD'ing was the straw that broke the camel's back, but definately not the cause. If you would like someone who's been there to commiserate with, feel free to PM me.

Carson

[Stephenie]

Melissa, It seems that you have read my jounal. I thought I had destroyed it. My life has gone on the same track as your thoughts except for the Divorce, which seems like only a temporary set back in your ability to write my life story or maybe you can see in to the future and see what will happen in the coming weeks.

I do see your point. CDing did not end my marrage but it is a very large straw, more like a log I think.

[pattied]

Your description of the feelings up to the point of coming out are accurate. I think many of us have felt those same feelings. Still, if your SO is understanding, and your marriage was stable prior to coming out, I think there is solid chance that the marriage will not suffer.

In my first marriage, I came out only after I found out she was cheating on me. To be truthful, I did it as a means to push her further away. I was hurt, the marriage was failing miserably, and I wanted desperately to be me. She did exact her revenge however, when she talked me into going with her and a friend to club (not dressed up) only find out it was a gay club. there she bragged to everyone who would listen about my love of wearing feminine attire, gave out my work number to a great many guys, causing me to be hounded for a long time afterwards.

Bottom line is that I do not think CDing is the main cause, but certainly could be the icing on the cake.

[samikiss]

Melissa said "Many of the qualities that they love about heir spouse are as a result of this aspect of their personality, they just have to come to understand this."

In my sad case, this was just the problem. Many of the things she loved about me before became "evidence" of my "problem." She didn't seem to miss the macho before, but now it was a thing.

[Sarahgurl371]

Melissa,
I agree that your post is very much consistent with what happened in my mind as well. While I will not conceed that CDing is going to end my marraige, what it has done is identify the very many differences between my wife and I. Its kinda like the straw that broke the camel's back.

The initial divide was over my Cding and all the other stuff that goes with it, as you posted. But after much introspection and reflection upon myself and her, and our relationship, I have realized that there is just a difference of perspective on life between us. We do not see things the same. I could sit her and go into it all, but that is a mute point now. The biggest difference I would have to say is how we love. I see it as if I love you, I accept you for who you are. She sees it as I love you, but not this part. I really do not believe I can seperate it out that easily. Maybe that because I am different and want accpetance from others, so I guess I had better be willing to give it as well.

Just my thoughts

[melissacd]

Girls,

I am so glad that I made this post. While I have made some statements based on my own personal observations (you know what they say when you assume) and perhaps I should have qualified those statements a wee bit better, the thing that I love about what is happening here is we are discussing a very key issue and some great stuff is coming out here.

Thanks so much for your input,

Huggs
Melissa