Lengthy read, but thoughts & opinions & help welcomed, please

[Pix]

Hello everyone. I'm new here. But I'm not doing an introduction here. I was hoping this section of the forum is the appropriate one for what I'm posting. If it's not, I'm sorry. I don't mean to violate rules.

I am genetically female, if that has anything to do with it. Recently I've had my mind opened to the world of CD & TS. While it's a lot for me to grip at first, I think I'm slowly getting the understanding and acceptance of it. It's hard for m to comprehend everything. I mean, gender identity still confuses me. & while you read this, please don't judge me too hard. I had to figure this stuff out on my own & try to expand my mind to let everything all in. I haven't had anyone to talk to about it, and some of my thoughts may be hurtful, though I sincerely hope I'm not hurting anyone. That is NOT my intention.

But my boyfriend came out to me one day, telling me that he likes to wear bras & panties as a turn on. He was very fearful, hesitant & even tried to get me to drop the topic (before he even told me what the topic was). But I'm that annoying type of person who is relentless in the pursuit of wanting to know. He told me that it's an occasional thing. That he found he liked it after a truth or dare thing he did with an ex when he was in high school. I knew of the truth or dare thing, but not how it affected him. After he told me, I kinda shut down. I didn't want to laugh because I knew what that alone could do to someone. But I couldn't answer him right away.

What I knew of CD was drag queens & Rupaul. I couldn't see my boyfriend like that, not even the slightest.

He was getting scared from my silence & I knew I had to say something. I remember the sheer panic on his face & I felt so bad for not saying or doing anything sooner. I finally told him, "They're just clothes. & it's ok." I'm not sure why he needed my acceptance but I knew it meant a lot to him. He hugged and he kissed me, took a moment for the adrenaline to pass then he told me he was afraid I was going to break up with him or worse.

The mentioning of us breaking up has always been a torn in my heart. It just kills me to hear anyone, especially him, talk about it. I asked him what could be worse than that? & he told me he was afraid I was going to force him to become a sissy .

Never have I ever heard that term but I was horrified by it. I hate the word anyways.

I've gone through the questions: is he gay? why is he with me? does he want to become a woman?

And while I am wholeheartedly assured he's not gay (there's tons of things I base this on but that's not pertaining to the topic at hand). & I truly believe he's with me because he loves me (but also because he's straight. I had to add that in because it's part of m reasoning.) As for the last question, he has to answer that for me to know, but I don't think he does. I don't get that feeling but it's still something I've pondered over.

Now this is the part I'm ashamed of, and you may look down on me, but I set up a test for him. Nothing major. We were watching a movie, and in it I knew there was a gay guy who CD'd when he could. There was a scene when the guy was in short shorts & lipstick (it actually looked good on him, I give credit where it's due.) & my boyfriend's reaction puzzled me. He made comments about how guys shouldn't wear shorts that short or that tight. That only women use makeup. & I'm not sure what I was gaining from this "test" but the movie was good, & left me more confused about my boyfriend.

He hates makeup & girly things. He even hates when I wear makeup or nail polish. Though he's kindly offered to be my nail model when I wanted to create a new nail design, but he'd always tell me that he was joking (even after he confessed) & nail polish was stupid & he hated when I used it.
He's never wanted a female persona, or act particularly feminine. He says he's a guy. The only pronoun he uses is "he", etc. (I'm glad about the alter ego. I'm a jealous person, I hate it about myself & try to work on it. But I feel if he had another version of himself, I would get jealous, that I'd lose him, & that freaks me out.)

He's asked me to wear my bra once, but that's it. (& why would anyone want to wear a bra?? In my opinion they're a pain in the ass lol) He has no problem shopping for lingerie with me, which I'm glad, because I only buy that stuff with him in mind. I don't normally wear lingerie so when I do, I know it's something he wants to see me in, something he finds me sexy in.

In my long post, I'm lost. I don't understand somethings. I actually joined this forum because I need to talk to people. People who have been there, or who know a lot more about this topic. I am naive, I'll admit. But my boyfriend leaves me stumped. He rarely asks or does CD, & it's only bras that I'm witnessed (and even then, he didn't do it). I'm just confused. I honestly just need a friend or two to talk to, to help me when I miss a step along the way.

[Katey888]

Welcome Pix - I wouldn't worry about where you posted :) You needed to reach out and you've done that.
There is plenty of background for you (and him!) on this forum already - lot's to explore and read. From what you've described your BF doesn't seem hugely different from many of us here. A lot of us are still a bit confused and asking questions decades on, so it's no surprise that he seems to be - may I say - inconsistent in his approach? Very few of us are gay - a few more are drag queens - most just dress and otherwise are, 'normal'-ish :). If this is something he has supressed over time (which sounds possible) then he's probably also trying to come to terms with these feelings.
I'd suggest both of you take your time, go through a lot of the forum here for relevant threads - don't be too shocked by what you may read (there are extremes in everything...) and keep calm.
There are many GGs (genetic girls) who are partners (SOs) of CDers active on the forum - I'm sure they'll be happy to talk. And then there are plenty of us mixed up girls who also will be happy to give advice on your public posts.

It's really great that you have found us and are prepared to talk - some of us would give a leg or two to find a GG like that! :hugs:

And I get you with bras - while it might be necessary I'm not sold myself :heehee:

Enjoy the forum - keep talking - and Keep Calm... :D

Katey x

[Caden Lane]

Well, for starters, if his gender fluidity leans towards wanting to be a woman, then a guy in tight shorts isn't exactly a test of that. Over the years, and now as we speak, I have cd/FG friends that are most certainly hetero, and they crave nothing less than to live in peace as a woman. I'm cd, and I'm definitively hetero.

I think most here will agree that you are an excellent GF, and your BF is lucky to have you. Just continue to be supportive. But don't test, let him be him. Maybe his gender issue hasn't evolved past where it started, maybe he still has a lot of shame, so maybe he dresses in private.

If you want to send a clear signal, and let him know its okay, buy him some things you think he'd like or need, then give them to him. Its as clear a signal as you can send. But he may just need to know its okay, that you both as a couple are okay.

I mention this only as conjecture, but the whole "sissy" thing may have been part of a fantaxy he had built up in his mind, because I found that to be an odd "concern" to have in that situation.

[Gail Marie]

Pix - you seem like a very kind person and your boyfriend is in good hands.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Pix,

I'm a male to female transsexual woman. So I guess I am the worst case scenario - I was married happily for 17 years, my gender issues exploded, I came out to my wife, and it was all over in 4 months. I'm in transition now, taking hormones and doing various other things to feminize my body. I am hoping to get "the surgery" (SRS) later this year, or early next year.

Your BF is with you because he loves you, and is attracted to women. Most of us are - even me.

He probably does NOT want to become a woman. That is pretty unlikely. It's possible - but it isn't the probable outcome, not at all. In fact, it isn't unlikely *at all* that he'll never do a whole lot more than wear women's underwear sometimes. I'd guess the vast majority of cross dressers are like that.

His cross dressing is a deep part of him that he's suppressed for most of his life. After all - gender variance in men, especially, isn't tolerated *at all* hardly in the straight world in which you both live.

It is quite possible that he is really VERY conflicted about this stuff internally. I certainly was. Of course it was worse for me, since I'm a transsexual, and really always have been a woman in my mind, living in terror people would find out about my awful secret. Still, feeling a need to express some femininity is pretty much forbidden, and it is very likely he feels intense shame and guilt over these feelings. He also probably doesn't understand them entirely himself.

The "sissy" fantasy is a pretty common one amongst CDs. The idea is that a dominant woman will "force" him to dress as a woman. My opinion is that largely this stems from wanting permission to express this part of himself, so it becomes warped into this fantasy of being turned into a woman against his will. I certainly had fantasies like that - starting at about age 10.

As for makeup and nail polish, he may say he hates those because part of him wants to try them - and part of him says "NO! WE WILL NOT DO THAT! NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!"

The conflict that gets set up in some of our minds between what the world expects, and what we feel, can be quite stressful.

As I said, it may well take him a while to totally understand this stuff about himself, and to open up all the way to you. He's a guy - they are usually horrible at talking about their feelings, especially ones they feel so conflicted over.

Hope some of this helps. For what it's worth, he doesn't sound remotely like a transsexual at this point.

[Pix]

Katey - Thank you :) I've browsed through a few posts before signing up today. The community here is what finally made me feel comfortable to seek answers and friends. & It was so hard for me to. I'm nervous about it because in order to get the answers to the questions I have, I have to trust. & trust isn't something I have in spades. :( But I will continue going through threads. I have so many questions and I'd hate to ask some if they've already been answered.

Gail - I really hope so. I'm actually more scared of me. I don't want to hurt him at all. That's why I'm here. & I know it ultimately has to end up with me & him talking, but I need to get my own understanding for it first.

Cadenlane - As I mentioned, I'm scared of me. It sounds incredibly horrid, but hear me out. I don't want to buy him anything yet. Clothes has always been a problem for me as gifts for anyone for any reason. But a reason I don't want to buy him anything is because I don't know where he's at. I don't even know where I'm at in all this. I'm not sure of my level of acceptance or my boundaries because this is all new to me. If he was just into bras and panties as a sort of kinky foreplay, then I don't want to push him into anything more than that. If he's still coming to terms with it all, I don't want to shell-shock him or me either. It really just comes down to him & I talking about it & where he's at & where I'm at. I don't want to hurt him, so I'm trying to absorb as much as I can, learn what I can, & expand my areas of gray.

In all honesty, after the initial coming out, he's only mentioned it once. & neither times have I tried to shut him down or reject him. I may be wrong here, but my feeling on him is that it's not....how to I say this? Like the words are just stuck in the black hole of my brain. But the vibe he gives me about this is that it's not a need for him. Like he doesn't need full dress or anything. Like putting a bra on once ever few months is his extent. I don't know if this is true or not, but that's the vibe I get from him on this topic.

Paula -Thank you so much! & yes, he's very much guy in the sense that he hates opening up. It bugs me because when he's angry with me (we're a couple-we're gonna step on each other's toes every once in a while) he completely shuts me out. I try to get him to open up because suppressing emotions just isn't healthy! It's a struggle but slowly, I'm getting him to express more emotion when he's angry with me or stressed.

[Kristina_nolagirl]

To me, every single person is unique in what they want from cding, why they desire to do it and what they get put if it.

For me, I'm heterosexual and married, but I desire to get as absolutely close to presenting myself as a woman without doing any type of surgery, hormones etc. And I desire to present that image in public by going out as kristina. I absolutely love drag queens. We go to their performances and think they are hilarious and quite fun to hang with, but "drag" is not for me. It's over-the-top huge hair and makeup etc. I'm into looking like a fashionable woman that you would see walking down the street.

The reason I tell you is because while it is impossible to break our kind into defined groups, I'd say the 3 basic "levels" of cding are:
1. Wearing a women's item or 2
2. Fully presenting as a woman
3. Actually transitioning as a woman

I fit into the 2nd level as I see it, and so do most drag queens. It seems like your boyfriend is in the first. For me wearing a bra or panties under my clothes or at night in bed does nothing for me so I never do that. It's either all or nothing. I don't usually dress up unless I can get completely dressed from head to toe.

So from your boyfriends perspective, I'd bet that he has no desire to tell anyone but you. To me it's clear that he loves and cares about you enough that he wants you to know everything about him and he is hoping that you will join in on his harmless fun. If I were you I would be happy if you really love him that his most worrisome fetish is wearing a bra every once in awhile - could be much worse! But I can tell you from experience talking online and In person to hundreds if not thousands of people like us, just because he likes the feeling of bras and panties does not make him gay or want to transition into a woman. There are so many manly men during the day that love to go out on the town at night in a tight little dress and high heels ( like me) and I think his desire to cd is even less involved than that.

If he is someone you truly care about, my advice to you is to let him know that you love and support him and no matter what he wears. When you show that sort of love and support, you would me amazed at how close and dedicated you become to each other.

[Jenniferathome]

Well Pix, you don't sound confused, you sound normal.

This cross dressing is a weird thing and the variance between cross dressers (clothing only, lingerie only, full on persona) is a conundrum. You are great to be looking for help. If there were an answer, your boyfriend would have given it to you but cross dressing is just unknowable. Most cross dressers are straight, in relationships with women and we tend to start early.

My advice is to talk often about this. He doesn't know himself, but conversation is good for the both of you.

Best of luck

[Sissy_Michelle]

Welcome Pix , just to comment on what CD_Cadenlane had replied with, because it was the one thing I knew that my wife supported me in my CDing. My wife sees clothes as something she has to wear and underclothes has a purpose "if you don't have boobs why do you want to wear a bra?". In addition I was terrified that she was going to leave me because of my desire to under dress or even dress fully. I am still not fully "out" to all my family and friends, in addition there is still some fear and anxiety with that as well. But those are my personal issues that I must overcome.

However;
Well, for starters...

I think most here will agree that you are an excellent GF, and your BF is lucky to have you. Just continue to be supportive. But don't test, let him be him. Maybe his gender issue hasn't evolved past where it started, maybe he still has a lot of shame, so maybe he dresses in private.

If you want to send a clear signal, and let him know its okay, buy him some things you think he'd like or need, then give them to him. Its as clear a signal as you can send. But he may just need to know its okay, that you both as a couple are okay...

Take him shopping or buy something that he may like as a casual gift of "I support you and will work with you on this". It was the greatest thing my wife has done with me. Now we shop for clothes together, where she will hold items for me while we shop then when it is my turn she will give me some items to try on for fit and size. Although I was excited because I knew she supported me. I was nervous, "what would she think of the "man" that she married?" I would get angry with myself and be curt and sullen with others because I didn't know what she thought. Remember nonverbal communication will say a lot so be honest and let it show. I tell everyone this that comes either here or folks that know me to be an good listener. COMMUNICATION! Speak to him, turn off tv, radio, iWhatever. Be open, be there for him, be honest.

@--}----
Sally
(My wife decided on a name for me)

[PaulaQ]

It really just comes down to him & I talking about it & where he's at & where I'm at. I don't want to hurt him, so I'm trying to absorb as much as I can, learn what I can, & expand my areas of gray.


That's really all you can do at this point hon, and I think you are being very kind, sensitive, and wise about all of this. You aren't wrong to be afraid - this stuff is tricky to navigate, and honestly, we get NO education in the straight world about the existence of these issues, much less how to negotiate them with a partner.

Even if your BF ultimately does want to either dress a bit more than he does now, or more frequently, this isn't really cause for alarm. Most CDs will find some sort of equilibrium, and most will be way short of what you see here, men who present as females some of the time.

If you are interested in reading a good book about cross dressers, I would recommend "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd. It really is a very good book on the subject.

I would also advise you not to worry about the future overmuch. Look - you could get breast cancer and die. He could die in a traffic accident tomorrow. Do you worry about those things? No, of course not. At least not all the time. Why? Because they are beyond your control. So's this.

That he's being honest with you early on is a GOOD thing. Believe me, my wife of 17 years was devastated when I told her that I was transgendered. She absolutely did not see it coming, and it wrecked her life. :(

[teri g]

I agree with those that say you're absolutely on the right track and nothing but time, becoming informed and communication will get you through this. I don't agree that you should be planning or offering mutual activities related to crossdressing. That would be jumping ahead too many steps. It doesn't seem that your bf is settled with his own feelings on the matter but felt compelled to include you out of respect for the realtionship. This is a time solely for learning, and I suspect almost as much on your bf's part as your own.

[Pix]

If you are interested in reading a good book about cross dressers, I would recommend "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd. It really is a very good book on the subject.

I would also advise you not to worry about the future overmuch. Look - you could get breast cancer and die. He could die in a traffic accident tomorrow. Do you worry about those things? No, of course not. At least not all the time. Why? Because they are beyond your control. So's this.
(

I'm always happy to sink my teeth into a good book. Thank you so much for the recommendation!! I didn't even know it existed, so that alone is a great help for me. & my mother is always telling me I'm going to make myself crazy worrying over the future. She would probably look at your response, give me one of those motherly pointed looks & probably tell me "told ya so." And you're right. The future is largely unknown (that's what scares me) but I'll have to take it as it comes & hopefully I make it ok. I'm sorry about your wife too :( I wish I could give you a hug. You're great & I'm so glad to have met you & even happier that you are calmly helping me through this.

I'm so grateful to everyone who's helping me out. I wish I could hug you all. You're kindness and patience with me, not to mention advice and wisdoms, is the greatest thing I've hoped to encounter here.


I agree with those that say you're absolutely on the right track and nothing but time, becoming informed and communication will get you through this. I don't agree that you should be planning or offering mutual activities related to crossdressing. That would be jumping ahead too many steps. It doesn't seem that your bf is settled with his own feelings on the matter but felt compelled to include you out of respect for the realtionship. This is a time solely for learning, and I suspect almost as much on your bf's part as your own.

I hope we can learn together, so at least we know what page we're on exactly. As I see it right now, this is definitely a great step in a relationship builder.

[PaulaQ]

All any of us can really do is just take it one day at a time, hon. Worrying about the future is just impossible. If you can do something - do it. If you can't do anything about something that happens, accept it.

Thanks for the kind words about my wife. It's sad. I'm mostly over the guilt now. I didn't ask for this either. Sad as it is, we're better off without each other. She can't abide my presence, and I can't be who I am around her. It just is impossible.

[shawnablack77]

Hi pix, from what I read you shouldn't be too concerned at this point. He doesn't like makeup or nail polish yet. Also he doesn't like short skirts or shorts. At this point it sounds like he's wanting to experiment with certain clothing. I wouldn't worry right now but keep talking about it every now and then. Certain things he might not like now, he may start to like. I think he might want to try cross dressing without going fully. Many guys do this. But you said he's straight which is good, if he was bisexual that could lead to more cding. I'm not saying everyone is like this but many are. I hope I could help hon.

[Annaliese]

Pix, keep talking, and learn together about this side of him. This is the best place to do that.

[Nadine Spirit]

Wow, you are super cool! What a GF! Willing to do her own research and learn. How great of you, seriously.

I do agree that you and he need to talk and figure things out on your own but I can give you a bit about me, and maybe that may help in some way.

While young, a teen, I never wore women's clothes, but I did a variety of other traditionally female things. I shaved my body hair, grew my hair out super long, got my ears pierced, wore jewelry, but never clothes. One day, while in my twenties, I said to my GF, now my wife, "Hey, I'd really like to try on your panties." She let me wear her panties. Shortly thereafter I said "How about I try on your bra." She again let me wear her items. I only did it occasionally and it was always sexually related. Eventually she told me that I should get some of my own garments that might suit me and fit me better. So I did. That lasted many years. Eventually, for some unremembered reason, I wanted to put some clothing over some of my sexy undies. I got a few items that would probably be best worn by a stripper. That lasted a few years until I threw it all away.

Oh and yeah, the idea of dressing as a girl, from head to toe, never occurred to me once. In fact that entire time I had super long facial hair. If anyone would have asked me or tried to push me in one direction or the other I would have never gone along with any of it. I thought I was happy doing what I was doing. But in throwing everything away, I realized that I was actually terribly ashamed and embarrassed by my own desires and thought I could just get rid of all of it, the clothes, the undies, and most of all the desire to want to do it.

Eventually, possibly a few years later, I started wearing and collecting items again, but this time is was far less sexual, but it was more involved. Eventually I realized I wanted to dress as a woman as completely as possible. That is when I ventured into wigs and makeup and clothing that would be appropriate to wear in public. Once I did that, I realized I wanted to go out in public.

Okay, so that is my history in a nutshell. Now a few other items. I am hetero, unequivocally. I do not want to become a woman full time. For the 30 years or so I have been aware of this, I have only begun to accept myself and who I am within the last five.

There is a real possibility that your BF will only ever do what he is currently doing and be fine with it forever, or it may become more. I recommend you just make sure that you two have open, honest communication with each other. Don't push one way or the other, just let him know that you love him and care for him and want him to know that he can confide within you.

It really sounds as if you are a smart, nice, loving, woman. The times ahead may be confusing and I wish you both the best of luck in handling something that so few of us understand even within ourselves.

Either my wife or I can be contacted through our blogs, if you are interested.



If you are interested in reading a good book about cross dressers, I would recommend "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd. It really is a very good book on the subject.
:(

Uhh... yeah I read that book. It is a good read, but not the most comforting from the wife's perspective. Personally it scared the crap out of my wife, whose greatest fear is that I will transition. Which Betty did eventually do.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Pix,
For me, when I was younger, I hated the thought that there was more to me than being a male (and ashamed of my female feeling). Being just a male would make life simple and easy.
As I aged, I found I was using more and more energy on trying to be the ideal male, and I was getting moodier. In the end I decided to just be me.
I have found my balance, a loving wife and 4 fantastic daughters (who steal my makeup and favorite skirts etc).

Life is meant to be different, imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same?

[Pix]

Hi Pix,
For me, when I was younger, I hated the thought that there was more to me than being a male (and ashamed of my female feeling). Being just a male would make life simple and easy.
As I aged, I found I was using more and more energy on trying to be the ideal male, and I was getting moodier. In the end I decided to just be me.
I have found my balance, a loving wife and 4 fantastic daughters (who steal my makeup and favorite skirts etc).

Life is meant to be different, imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same?

Life would be very boring, I agree! & I hope my boyfriend doesn't feel the pressure of being an ideal male. I don't even know what my ideal male is! Just as long as I have my boyfriend to cuddle with, that's ideal to me.

I was raised by my mom, who always taught me that people are people, with the same emotions as me & we all just want to be loved. I don't understand these norms sometimes that have been set in place. Why would it be okay for a woman to cry and confess weakness, but never a guy to? It doesn't make sense. Emotion shouldn't be gender specific. And with being brought up with someone like my mom, I give her a lot of credit for the reason I am the way I am.

[Sister Rachel]

Pix, thankyou so much for this excellent post. Honest, thoughtful and to the point, I'm pretty sure no moderator is going to come down on you for infringing "the rules" here. Believe me, no one here is going to "judge you too hard"! I know from personal experience that a woman who discovers that her partner is a crossdresser will most likely need to talk to a female friend about it, and there is a group on this forum for exactly that purpose.

It's actually good that your boyfriend has 'fessed up to you, it shows that your relationship matters a lot to him and that he basically needs and wants to be honest with you. In the long run, that's the only basis for a true relationship, isn't it?

As for the bra business .. well yes, it's a bit of a puzzle as to why one wants to wear a bra when there's little there to support, I suppose for me it's the innate femininity of the garment .. sort of makes a statement, it's part of the outfit, when I dress I'm creating / releasing a female part of my psyche, and putting a bra on is part of that.

[Kristy 56]

Hi pix,no further advice for you as you seem to have gotten some good advice already. I just wanted to thank you for posting.You seem to be a very kind,caring and accepting person. I hope that you and the BF work this out,as you're a real gem and a keeper. Good luck to both of you. :)

[Miriam-J]

I think you've received some very good advice, Pix - especially from Paula. Please keep in mind as you browse this forum that this is not a random sample of the crossdressing community, let alone of all people. There are many, many men who just enjoy the sensation and risk of wearing women's underwear or lingerie, and who never have any desire to go beyond that - or only have such interest many years later. Those of us on this forum are generally those who need to go considerably beyond that, and many of us started with the same activities as your boyfriend - but it doesn't mean he's destined to follow the same path.

I think it's great that you want most to support him in whatever path he wants to follow with respect to CDing. Best wishes.

Miriam

[Vanessa Rose]

Pix,

What a lucky guy you have. Paula and so many ladies have provided great advice.

For me, the hard part of my reveal was saying those words that stopped you cold. It takes trust, guts and nerves of steel. At least for me. After that just small steps, learning and discovery and finally communication and you will both figure that out it would seem.

HOW special that you have each other.

Vanny

[Jilmac]

Hi Pix and welcome to the forum. I can honestly say that you're not alone in your feelings of confusion and anxiety, there are many GG's who still wonder about their So's gender. My wife knew before she married me but chose to marry me anyway. However she never approved of my dressing and I stayed in the closet for many years. Similar to your BF, I started dressing on a dare from a cousin. I was seven years old and he was 12. He dared me to wear panties and a dress, so I did, and when I did I felt a feeling of euphoria. I didn't know what that was at the time but figured it out years later.

My wife asked the same questions you stated in your thread and I tried to assure her that I loved only her and would never stray. I dressed in private whenever I could because I knew it would hurt her to see me wearing dresses, skirts and tops. She passed away in 2007 which allowed me to come out and be myself. I'm still all guy but believe I have a feminine side as well, and I enjoy that feminine side at every opportunity. I sincerely hope you stay on this forum and learn more about our world. Most of us are everyday people who dress for various reasons, but also most of aren't drag queens like RuPaul. Perhaps this and other replies will help you grasp a better understanding of the CD realm.

[kimdl93]

Hello and welcome to the club...we've all bee a bit lost and confused from time to time.

Now, just a couple of observations on what your BF may be expressing. One is a common self defense mechanism for a CDr...sure I like to wear _________ but just for sex. Like many of us he may still cling to the mistaken notion that cross dressers who dress for other reasons must be gay. Hence the overcompensation about seeing a guy in make up or short shorts. He needn't be so defensive...movie images don't tell you or us anything about him.

Or he may want more, but is still in denial, and again over compensates. We can be very confusing creatures, especially when we harbor feelings of self doubt and denial.

[Pix]

Now, just a couple of observations on what your BF may be expressing. One is a common self defense mechanism for a CDr...sure I like to wear _________ but just for sex. Like many of us he may still cling to the mistaken notion that cross dressers who dress for other reasons must be gay. Hence the overcompensation about seeing a guy in make up or short shorts. He needn't be so defensive...movie images don't tell you or us anything about him.

You're right, & it was a silly notion for me to attempt. I guess at that moment, I was still a little lost with everything, trying to find my own way to prove to him, or myself, or to explain everything that's going on. Regardless, it was a good movie. & Movies were always our way of bonding. He likes horror movies because I guess I'm jumpy & cling to him more. Blech. lol :)

In part, I think he has a lot to figure out for himself (as do I!). & that part I can't help him with, but I know I can be there for him.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Your boyfriend probably just has a fetish for bras and panties, and his fetish is restricted to just those items (and explains why he has no interest in makeup or other items of women's clothing.) He may be what is sometimes called a "Type I - Transvestic Fetishist." If this is the case, he probably has no other cross-gender interests beyond wearing bras and panties occasionally.

However, one thing that really, really stands out to me is his comment about you turning him into a "sissy". I don't know the context of his comments, which makes it hard to figure what he meant. Some TV fetishists fantasize about GGs dressing them up in frilly dresses, perhaps involving some sort of kink etc.; however, if he is not into that, the odds of a GG wanting to do that to the point of pressuring him to do it when it isn't his thing is extremely unlikely (the odds of a hetero and cis woman wanting to do that and do it that bad is a zillion to one.) Maybe he meant he was afraid you would take advantage of him somehow now that you knew his secret (extort money out of him or something? Force him to do everything your way because you could out him?) I'd really, really ask him what he meant by "turn him into a sissy"; I have been around the TV/TS scene for a long, long time and have seen and heard almost everything, and his statement just doesn't sound "right" to me.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Pix, (I love that name!)

You've had lots of good advice here, and I'm sure others will add theirs as well. Just remember that we all have different situations and experiences. I hesitate to give advice, but I'd make the observation that you two seem to have a really good relationship -- one that should transcend whether your SO does or does not wear a bra. Try to help him understand, as much as he tries to help you understand.

About My Husband Betty (I think a brave and groundbreaking book) -- Helen Boyd (who has a website) took a big picture look at the spectrum of transgenderism, starting out with her relationship with Betty. Yes, I think Betty did transition later, but the book is about more than that.

[sometimes_miss]

He needs your acceptance just the way anyone wants it from someone they love, especially something like this which he knows can easily tear relationships apart. The 'vibe' you get from him could easily be his careful way of trying to avoid scaring you away. It will take time for him to really believe that you're o.k. with him as anything less than completely masculine 100% of the time; it's a simple reaction to reading about so many relationships falling apart due to crossdressing.

The gay thing is the 800 pound gorilla in the room; there's such a stigma to it in our society that even those who are, often suppress it to the point that even they cannot accept it in themselves. So you have to basically go by behavior, not what people say they are. My simplest test is this: go to the beach, sit on the boardwalk, and see who draws his attention. It's easy, just cautiously notice if he's looking at guys when there's an obviously hot girl there to look at instead. Men's eyes are drawn to the attractive female body first. The problem becomes apparent though, if you get upset at him looking at other women, whereupon he will intentionally avoid looking at women and screw up your 'test'.

Forced feminization/sissification is a common desire, to enable us to feel relieved of the responsibility for dressing up. His mention of it is perhaps a cautious attempt to see how you feel about it. An interesting response would be that you wouldn't demand that he do it, but would make it very clear that you'd be willing to role play with him if he wants help dressing up. Halloween is a great time to suggest this; you don't have to go out, just maybe you try on a football players uniform/helmet, and he gets to try on a cheerleader outfit, or something along those lines.

If he's with you, then he's not gay. Perhaps bi if anything, but as above, we're all scared to death of being labeled anything other than macho heterosexual he-men because we know being seen as feminine is such a relationship killer.

He's with you because he's attracted to you. Simple as that.


does he want to become a woman?
There are all kinds of reasons that he may have feelings like that, and they're not all caused by being transsexual. And it's not always easy to figure out; it took me decades to understand where my desire to be a girl came from.
The offer to be your 'nail model' is sort of an indication that he really wants to have you be at the very least accepting of his enjoying feminine things, even though he's afraid to tell you so.

The movie 'test' you rigged up probably wasn't going to be conclusive either way, as it sounds like even if he did have any feelings for guys, he wouldn't express them until he's secure in your relationship....and that might take a while. Either way, it seems that he's more interested in you than any guy. Even bisexuals often wind up choosing one sex over the other, few are right in the middle of the sexual bell curve of what they prefer.

Why would someone want to wear a bra if they didn't have to? 2 reasons, simple.
1.Wearing girl's clothes, make up, jewelry, wig, shoes, etc., all give us visual and tactile feedback that we are female. For those of us who grew up with altered gender self identification, we simply feel more comfortable feeling that way. It's not always an indication of being transsexual, either; sometimes it's a conditioned response from our childhood that we aren't able to get rid of. Apparently, at some point during our psychological development, some things become permanent. Who we feel ourselves to be (and who we are attracted to are both entirely separate things) can become permanently 'etched' into our minds, so we're stuck with that. In my bio (link at the bottom of my post) you can read how you can turn a normal little boy into a very confused crossdresser simply by years of conditioning.
2. Sexual excitement. Some men get very turned on by wearing female clothing. I don't esperience that, so I can't tell you much about it, other than most feel a huge turn on, and then after climax feel bad about enjoying it and change out of the girl clothes/mode as fast as they can, and hope they can resist ever doing it again.
Or both! There are all kinds of crossdressers, with all kinds of reasons for doing it. Pinpointing the reasons is the hardest thing to do.
Be careful about books by other crossdressers; although they are designed to depict the behavior and beliefs of one crossdresser, we are all different, and what inspired crossdressing in one of use does not necessarily mean your boyfriend is subject to the same influences.
Message me with any questions, I will try to answer to the best of my knowledge. I don't always return to thread discussions, because they often get closed or locked, and our posts can be edited by the moderators to mean other things rather than what we intended.

[ReineD]

In part, I think he has a lot to figure out for himself (as do I!). & that part I can't help him with, but I know I can be there for him.

BINGO! :D

It's the only thing you can do.

It's not uncommon for CDers to want to fight their desires to express femininity in the beginning. Males are strictly socialized to not be woosses or sissies. What guy wants the football team to know that he enjoys wearing panties. So depending on his age, personality, and background, he could be trying to fight the CDing, way more than most people in this forum, most of whom have already come a long way towards accepting it in themselves.

Your bf needs to proceed at his own pace. The CDing tends to be progressive, so if he is a CDer his desire to wear women's clothing will become too strong to suppress. Just give it time, tell him that you support him no matter what he wants to do, and let him follow his own path. In the meantime, just enjoy your relationship! :)

:hugs:

[Allisa]

Hello Pix your dealing with the male ego, such a fragile thing ,sounds like a fetish thing to me. It took almost 40 yrs for me to come to grips with my CDing. It goes against everything we are taught as young boys. Let him set the pace to get to where he's going, be as supportive as you can. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. This is a very good place to learn .Please do not be taken in by the porn side of cding. This is a community of intelligent people with a lifestyle that is at times confusing even to we who practice it and live it. Just keep on loving him.

Lisa