Can YOU keep a Secret...

[Wildaboutheels]

is NOT the question. Does anyone seriously think that ANYone they spill the beans to WON'T "share" the secret with others? Is anyone silly enough to think that wives/SOs aren't going to talk to their female friends?

Of course SOME need to tell and others SHOULD tell.

This is especially important for Newbies to keep in mind. Once the cat is out of the bag...

[Katey888]

There's a good, old-fashioned word you don't hear a lot nowadays, in our world of risk, Wall St. wolves, he who dares... etc. - the word...

PRUDENCE

(And once a popular name :))

It's my watchword at present...

Katey x

[KristyE]

IMHO A SO who is mortified of what people would think of her isn't likely to tell anyone the same as many of our girls here are afraid to tell ANYone. But yes telling anyone else is really opening the closet door wide. Like the old saying goes " to keep a secret between 3 people you need to kill the other 2 people".
Love KristyE

[Jaylah414]

Well, I'm certain my wife won't "spill the beans." She's more paranoid than I am about most of her acquaintances and co-workers finding out. Plus, I'm not that worried if she "spills the beans" to her older and closer friends. Unlike my friends who tend to be blue collar, over the hill jocks and connoisseurs of cheap beer, my wife's closest friends already lead less than traditional lifestyles. Plus, we have a history of alternate lifestyles which teaches, or more accurately forces people to respect the rights and privacy of others. Long term friendships cultivated by 'shared' secrets tend to be very trusting and compassionate.

On the other hand, There's always that chance...

[Anna H]

There's a good, old-fashioned word you don't hear a lot nowadays, in our world of risk, Wall St. wolves, he who dares... etc. - the word...

PRUDENCE

(And once a popular name :))

It's my watchword at present...

Katey x

I was going to be a Prudence. I *Love* the Siouxsie Sioux
version....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwVURcWaFRM

(it seems to fit Nicely! into the CD world)


Katey-Kate! ♥♥ & xx

[Zylia]

Hell no, Beatles version or bust.

I guess it's a risk/reward thing. Talking to strangers on the internet about your 'hobby' is pretty low-risk privacy-wise and may be very rewarding and helpful. When speaking of telling your SO, it may not be very rewarding, but the risks of not telling may be greater. It may be important for your SO's wellbeing to talk about it with other people. We are usually the ones creating this mess, so we have to deal with the consequences as well.

[natcrys]

It's always a calculated risk when you tell someone.. and you should always keep it in the back in your mind that those person might disclose your secret.. on purpose or by accident. It happened to me.. when some friends told other friends. It was a big misunderstanding without bad intentions .. and in the end no harm was done. Nevertheless, it happened and it could've gone badly.

However, for me, the rewards far outweigh the risks.. not having to hide anything at home for my friends. To actually chat to my female friends about fashion. To have some of my female and male friends take my photos and videos. The mental rest this gave me the last 8 years.. it's priceless!

Know your friends.. and decide for yourself.

[Marcelle]

Hey Wild,

Good advice to all. While I don't agree everyone will rush out to tell others (some people believe it or not can keep a secret), this would be rare and situation specific. For example, if your SO is mortified about what you do and others finding out then she/he is less likely to tell friends "Oh guess what my husband/bf does . . . ". However other people, indeed all bets are off if they have no vested interest in keeping your secret or they are the kind of person who just has to tell someone.

I have come to lots of friends and work colleagues and I always preface my conversation with "I am going to tell you something about me which I am neither ashamed of nor do I care if people know. However, I would ask that you keep this to yourself as I prefer to be the person who tells others. If you feel the need to share this others then I cannot stop you but I would ask that you let me know so I know who knows".

Hugs

Isha

[Jaylyn]

Hey when you post it here actually the secret is out of the bag. With all this stuff we hear about the government these days and hackers anything or club on the net is really not a safe place. Zylia mentions that talking to strangers on here about your secrets is pretty low risk. I would assume that also, as gals in trust I would hope we have enough sense to bring hurt to someone else even if we recognize someone on a site like this. It would devastate some, liberate some, and some would just be humbled and teased. There are two or three on here that I have actually become very good internet friends with. Some of the gals here from Texas and I e-mail and carry on very some great conversations with. I know that the emails. Could be by far more dangerous than a site such as this but I have a trust in the few I have grown to be friends with, at least a feeling of trust. Most security breeches are made when there's a profit to be made from them. I don't believe this to be the case here. I have learned so much from this site that I would hate to think that anyone on here would sell the other one out.... Relatives and usually those you know the best are usually the culprits of a leaky secret so the word Katey said a Prudence does come to mind when I'm dealing with close friends and especially family. ( wife is excluded here we know each other's deepest secrets and both know each could be totally ruined if either one of us said anything about them to anyone)

[sweetshauna]

A secret is only a secret until you tell someone. When you tell someone, no matter who, it stops being a secret.
You can't stuff the cat back in the bag once you let it out, period!

Women talk. If they have one good friend, she will tell her sooner or later.
My wife knows, and encourages my CDing, and I know that she has told "our" secret to someone.
But I'm ok with that I guess. I just wish she would admit it, and tell me who she's told.
So I could utilize the added freedom.

[MarciManseau]

I know that there are some that won't give away secrets, especially if they love you - it's just hard to know who will or won't, I guess.

[Kristy 56]

Wild you are 100% correct. Once you tell someone it's no longer a secret.Human nature the way it is,once the secret is out there,you've lost control of it.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I was pretty confident that my GF wouldn't talk, and I'm sure she didn't. The friends (landlords) upstairs.... fairly confident. The friend from work that saw me a few weeks ago?....I was working on the basis that it would, get back to others at work. <shrug> Haven't seen any signs of it so far though. I figured that when my GF's parents saw me, that it would be discussed with her Sister and family, not sure, it may or may not, but if so, it seems, (as I expected) that it's a non issue.

Really, as I'm not "dressing" as such (just wearing skirts) what I'm trying to do is build up courage to walk out in public and screw the negative comments.

[Sally24]

I always tell them they can share my info with one other person, usually their SO. So far they have all been trustworthy......I think.

[Nadine Spirit]

Is anyone silly enough to think that wives/SOs aren't going to talk to their female friends?



Yes, I am "silly enough" to know my wife wouldn't tell anyone unless she talked to me first. Not because she is embaressed about me, but because that is how we relate.

[Tina B.]

Well I told my wife Thirty some odd years ago, and I've never had any reason to believe she has ever told anyone. Of course if she told some one I don't know, I wouldn't hear about it, so why worry about it.
She fully supports me in my cross dressing, but for me it's personal, and I keep it at home.

[Anna H]

My wife wouldn't tell anyone either. I trust her the absolute full 100%

If i couldn't, we sure wouldn't have been together for 25 years.

[dana digs sweaters]

One of my sisters kept "my secret" until I told another sister 3 years later. A couple of conversations between them later on? Of course.
Did they talk to their friends about their brother dressing in their clothes? No.
Of course this was when I was of Jr./Sr. school age.

[Jesse Six]

I would assume that people would talk.

The SO might confide to her best-ever-bff. The bff might say something to her husband.
Friends might pass it on. Everyone of course uses the "don't tell anyone else!" disclaimer.
If the kids suspect, they would probably blurt something out to the grandparents / inlaws.
The inlaws sure as hell would spread it to the rest of the family.
Neighbors... ha ha, just lol. Same for 'trusted coworkers.'
etc etc

If I share it with someone in real life, I would have to be prepared to have it come back to anyone. That's the pragmatic view, if you will.

[PaulaQ]

My wife told everyone in town. I knew this was a probable outcome. I warned her - didn't matter. She's a naive fool and didn't understand that EVERYONE would gossip, and that she'd be tarred by my trans weirdness as well. We lived in a small rural town, and gossip is a primary pastime there.

I think many women realize that their spouse reflects on them, and thus would keep quiet. Indeed I think the same type of fear and shame that plagues so many of us also plagues our spouses once we are out to them.

[Beverley Sims]

Wives or SOs passing on info depends on how close the relationship is.

[Mistyjo]

I know my wife has told some of her friends about me it just means i don't have to hide who i am when they come over. one thing eveyone should remember a secret is only secret for so long as time goes on someone will figure out the secret

[Ressie]

Wives and GFs are good at keeping secrets. That's right, they won't divulge to you who they told about your CDing. Oh my, I'm so cynical sometimes. :chatterbox:

[Laura28]

My wife knows and has for years, i dont think she would ever share it as she wouldnt want others to know. She has known for years and to my knowledge never said a word, and she has told that she never would.

[reb.femme]

I think the way the secret spreads is analogous to the branches of a tree. It starts with a single point of origin (my wife in this instance) who needed to share the burden of the secret. Accepting that this could/would spread, I said it was OK to tell her sister, with whom she is very close. Who the SIL may have told since then, is anyone's guess. Those outside of the family will obviously find this too juicy an event to keep to themselves I'm sure. :heehee:

I have recently told my three sons. Two to my knowledge, have told their SO's and who they will have told is again anyone's guess. However, I considered these possibilities before hand, so will face the music however such music may emerge. Any fall out will be on a societal level and not one that could cause me to lose my job.

Rebecca

[Janet Doe]

I told a gf when I was in my early 20`s, ( we had been dating @ 2 years ) I vowed never again after that ( once bitten, twice shy ). She broke up with me, then told all our friends. Hence, the reason i`m married 20+ years and still in the closet.

[Lorileah]

It depends on several things
1) do they really care if you dress?
2) can they talk to YOU about it?
3) is it something that they feel is important to share? (or they are vindictive as we have seen here)
4) They talk to their GFs about EVERYTHING you do in private

Most DADT marriages will keep it in the family. And as someone mentioned earlier, if you don't keep secrets from each other but are up front, I would guess this would stay between the two of you. If you come out to friends and neighbors, you are fair game to everyone. Personally I have never been in that situation. When I "came out" I no longer was concerned about what others thought. If they didn't like it, it wasn't important to me. My wife knew for 20 plus years, di she tell? Yes, she did, her best friend's husband is a CD and they could discuss it together. Beyond that? No one else knew unless I told them. Since my GF knew from the start and we went out together..in public..to places where people knew HER even if they didn't recognize me, it wasn't a problem. But could she keep a secret? She is the one who kept things from me until she died..so I would say "yes". Thus, some people can keep secrets very well if they want.

[Tracii G]

My BFF I came out to several years ago and she says she says its hers and mine's business and nobody elses.
I am pretty she has mentioned it to some of her gay friends but I really don't mind.
I have an inkling she told her sister but thats OK too.

[samanthasolo]

There are 3 people who I told, not because I wanted to come out, nor because I wanted anyone to know. It was the need to be honest in a relationship. First mistake was my 1st marriage, not the marriage or the telling part it was that I didn't say something prior to being married. I have all my children as a result, and did anyone know during! Probably not, after possibly! After the divorce I told a girlfriend I was dating. Why? Because the Ex made a statement to the effect of " You wait until she finds out the truth about you " So I figured better the GF finds out from me than someone else, namely the Ex! Well, that did not end the relationship there or in my first marriage. Both ended for a host of things but my dressing had no role to play in either end. So did more people find out! Maybe, a strong possibility so! What I learned from both experiences is that I cannot live in fear of what someone might find out about me especially when it has no bearing on who I am or the person I am. I also realized it doesn't matter what people who know might say or think behind my back or to others regarding me. As of yet no one has ever asked me the question if I do dress. So either it doesn't matter to anyone or they might be more likely to be embarrassed more than I would should it be brought up. So learning from my past, my mistakes, and everything else that might have been directly the result of my dressing. I told my current wife shortly after we started dating. Why? I gave her a choice and I did not repeat history to hide myself in shame and guilt in fear of when that next time came that the cat was out of the bag!

So It worked for her, it worked for me. We were married, it doesn't matter who knows prior to US! The beauty of it all is the the Both of Us could care less what anyone knows or thinks.

[sometimes_miss]

I always tell them they can share my info with one other person, usually their SO. So far they have all been trustworthy......I think.

So based on that, each one tells another until.....in a very short time, everyone in the world knows, because people usually have difficulty keeping their mouths shut. As a kid, the father of one of my friends (who we always thought was in the 'mob') casually mentioned, "do you know how many people it takes to keep a secret? One." I've remembered that to this day, and it's quite correct. women bond through discussion, and they are much more likely to share intimate knowledge within their social circle. As children, boys are always told that it's not gentlemanly to 'kiss and tell' about what we do intimately with the girls we date, but girls share EVERYTHING with their 'besties' about the boys in their lives; that doesn't stop when they're grown up. At work I routinely hear stuff about women's SO's that I know those guys don't know are being shared with the world. BAsically, if the person you've told, ever told YOU any intimate knowledge about someone else, then you can be absolutely sure that they are sharing YOUR secrets with others as well.

[Greenie]

Luca and I just talked about this the other night. He told his sister in law. She ended up blabbing to her husband (his brother) and we were discussing the possibility that other family members already know.

You have to remember that a secret is always going to be someones burden. By telling a wife/SO and asking her to keep it, you may have just passed the weight off of your shoulders to her. When Luca and I discussed me telling my best friend, we both anticipated her telling her boyfriend knowing that it was a likely hood. CDing is a JUICY piece of gossip and some people just can't WAIT to let it roll off their tongues. :(

[MsVal]

I'm at that point in life where I thankfully no longer care what people think. I do, however understand that some people would be hurt by learning about my crossdressing, and I do not want to be the source of their hurt.

[Maria 60]

People love dirty laundry, and when you spill the beans about this that's some pretty dirty laundry. Years ago my wife wanted to tell her best friend because she was divorced and was always over and she knew that she would be cool about it. I didn't want to tell her and thank God we didn't because a few years later they had a fight and she was talking bad about my wife and just imagine the fun she would have had with my secret. I guess if you want to stay in the closet, just stay in the closet.

[MissTee]

Wife has known and supported for more than 3 decades. Has told no one. It's our little secret and we both prefer to keep it that way. I guess the message is that in a relationship where a high degree of trust exists then CD-ing won't be a secret between husband and wife> Likewise, together THEY decide how THEY will manage it.

Clearly, I acknowledge my wife and I are the exception rather than the rule. Be careful out there.

[PretzelGirl]

I'm with Sally. When I have come out to someone, I always say that while I didn't want it spread far and wide, I wanted them to be able to tell someone so they didn't have a pent up secret. It has worked really well as they tell someone and it tends to deadend there.

[VictoriaT.]

I would tell someone but I am terrified to tell my SO. Crap, I have already been married and divorced once and that was for being honest. My mother's word's of sympathy:devil:, "what were you thinking, honesty is not always the best policy." Words to live by I tell you.

[Dana_Drake]

In my experience, NO ONE can keep a secret forever.

[Vanessa Rose]

Your secret will likely be kept until they are mad or part ways with you as BFF. Once out if the bag, a secret like cd'ing is too juicy not to share. In most cases that is!

Vanny

[Secret Drawer]

My wife is much more private than I am. I actually don't care anymore who knows about me and she is the one sticking point in holding me back! So actually, in this case the opposite is true! I wish she would just blurt it out so that I could move on from here! Some people don't want to know a secret because they don't believe they can trust themselves, but I know a great number of armed forces personell that most definitely keep secrets!

[Katie83]

After I told my wife about me, she swore that she hadn't and wouldn't tell anyone as she couldn't. I assumed my secret was safe. A few years down the line I know she has told at least 2 people and who knows how many people they've told!

[Nikki A.]

Other than wives or SOs if you tell anyone else be prepared to own up to it. I've told a coworker of mine and her family knows and I've been out with all of them as Nikki and been to the house dressed also. Then again I felt that I was doing nothing wrong and I had nothing to be ashamed of. Since that time other know about me and I really am comfortable with it.

[MichelleAiken]

It must, at some level be so liberating though. Right? I've never told anyone, granted I'm just coming to terms with it myself, but I can say, that my biggest hope is that I get to tell someone I trust about my desire, and hopefully share this with them... But tis also my biggest fear to not be well received

[Annaliese]

If your SO has a best friend that they have know for ever, and share everything with, it not a secret any more.

[kendra_gurl]

If you don't have the relationship with your wife to trust her with your secret then you better keep it to yourself.

If you go out in public you probably will never know just how many others you know that may read you without ever saying a word to you but may tell others.

I have often wondered why it is so much easier to share this secret with strangers than it is the one who is closest to us.

[Dawn Gurl]

I have a GG friend at work who knows, and another GG who I have known for a very long time. I have never had an issue with either and trust them.... it's been a learning experience for me and them. To be able to talk with someone about what I've bought or seen or experienced, and not be taken as a freak or misfit, was worth the risk for me.

[Eryn]

The danger of a secret getting out is greatest when it is to the knowing person's advantage to repeat it. If the social attention a juicy story brings becomes more attractive to them than your respect then your secret will be out.

I have a few people in my community who know. My wife and daughters do not concern me as they are trustworthy. My electrologist knows and she understands that loose lips will lose her some very lucrative clients.

The other people who know are not in my community and are either TG themselves or only know Eryn.

[CynthiaD]

When I came out to my wife, I told her she could tell whoever she wished. I said that I considered crossdressing to be private, but it wasn't a secret. I still feel that way.

[Katie_Did GG]

It's not my secret to share. I wouldn't tell because I have no desire to hurt my husband. I come here so I can safely talk with others about it without fear of hurting my husband. YMMV and I do believe those who have posted that spouses have outed them. I think it's a lousy thing to do but just because someone else's spouse tells does not mean all of us would.

While there have been times I was hurt and angry it never occurred to me to do something as shameful as outing him. You don't return a trust by breaking it.