the internet made me do it...

[laciewhite]

for over 30 years i have 'managed' my CD fetish carefully and efficiently. it has always been a private secret thing i do alone, and i have always had clear boundaries and rules about how far i can allow myself to go. there have always been fantasies about more extreme behaviour, but that was all they ever were, fantasies.

but since i allowed my CD persona to have an online social life, i have noticed the following..

urge to crossdress in general = dramatically increased

urge to crossdress more completely and convincingly = dramatically increased

urge to take potentially incriminating pics of self crossdressed and post on the internet for all the world to see = dramatically increased

urge to look at images of other CDers on internet (including explicit sexual content) = dramatically increased

urge to meet/play with other CDers in the physical world = dramatically increased

urge to meet/play with MEN in the physical world = dramatically increased

urge to fess up to all the above to blissfully ignorant GG SO and risk disastrous consequences = dramatically increased

time spent dwelling on all the above when i should be thinking about other things = dramatically increased

i feel like i'm sat on the edge of a precipice and if i jump in my whole life will be changed forever. i joined a UK based CD contact site a while back. even though i specified in my profile that i did not want to meet, i still got regular PMs from hopeful men and CDers telling me how HOT i was and how much they wanted to meet me. some told me exactly what the wanted to do to me. i wasn't shocked. i was flattered and excited. all these years i assumed everyone would think i looked ridiculous if they saw me dressed and suddenly finding that others find me sexually desirable was just an amazing revelation.

there are people in my home town who want to meet me for sex. my fantasies could become reality. all i have to do is arrange times, dates, places.

and even if i told my SO, maybe she could accept the secret crossdressing but there's no way in hell she would accept me fooling around with other men. so if i started doing that i would be moving into a whole other level of guilt and secrecy.

so anyway, this morning i deleted all my profiles on contact sites. i've decided not to be selfish and try and get back to where i was before. i'm gonna stick around on this board for a while though. its different here and i've made some good friends. but if i do disappear from here you know why.

i'm not going to let the internet make me do it.

[Hell on Heels]

Hello Lacie, I'v e had nearly the same experiences with the "urges" that you listed. I'd say all, except the meeting men part. If you have been able to control yourself for this long, i'm guessing that urge may just be a fantasy for you. It does't mean you have to act on it.
If you should, at some point, Be safe, meeting strangers is always risky.
If you feel you need to take a break from CD'ing, It's probably not a bad idea, but as you may know, thats all it is , a break, it's part of who we are, and the "urges" will most likely return right where you left off.
Hope you figure out where your at with this.
Much Love,,
Kristyn

[Katey888]

Lacie dear, you should NOT let the internet make you do anything... take a deep breath and slowly step back from the precipice. If you really want to jump you need to do so from a place where you've been able to consider all the consequences... for there will surely be consequences from what you have described.

Fantasies are great because that's just what they are? Most of what we closeted CDers here do will only ever be fantasy - because it's private, it's safe, and a lot of the time it's deniable.

Think carefully about what you value in life - those things may be your trade off for enacting a fantasy. Personally, I would think of: my relationship with my wife and children; my close friends and colleagues in the local community; my job, career, and livelihood; and the potential untold damage that can be done by people who misunderstand our burden.

Deep breaths - pause for deep thought.

PM me if you want to talk more - here for you if you need that - Katey x

[Ellie52]

Lacie - What you feel is the same as many of us here. I was happy putting on a skirt occasionally like any of us here, but since joining this forum I have bought wigs clothes and even gone out en femme. Prior to joining I never really thought much about appearances as i was just looking in the mirror. Then I started taking photos and people started telling me how good I look and it boosts your moral and confidence.
The trouble is it isnt reality. I know Im not Hot, or sexy or a lady. I am just a guy in a frock. I needed a reality check. Lucky for me I stabilised and now try to be less selfish and more balanced in my life with regards my wife. I was very selfish going out en femme as I knew my wife was dead set against it. But everyone was telling me how pretty I was and how much fun I would have outside.
Well, to be honest it wasnt that much fun. I did it 3 times (shopping centres and marinas) just to make sure but just felt silly and I got bored and went home.
This was reality not some online fantasy website where everyone tells everyone else they are beautiful runway models.This is great for peoples self confidence but does it really help you in the long run?
I enjoy a lot of threads on this site but the ones about CD's looking for men make me want to be sick, I hope for you and your SO' sake you dont go down that path...Ellie

[Ellie52]

Lacie - What you feel is the same as many of us here. We were happy putting on a skirt occasionally but since joining this forum I have bought wigs clothes and even gone out en femme. Prior to joining I never really thought much about appearances as i was just looking in the mirror. Then I started taking photos and people started telling me how good I look and it boosts your morale and confidence.
The trouble is it isnt reality. I know Im not Hot, or sexy or a lady. I am just a guy in a frock. I needed a reality check. Lucky for me I stabilised and now try to be less selfish and more balanced in my life with regards my wife. I was very selfish going out en femme as I knew my wife was dead set against it. But everyone was telling me how pretty I was and how much fun I would have outside.
Well, to be honest it wasnt that much fun. I did it 3 times (shopping centres and marinas) just to make sure but just felt silly and I got bored and went home.
This was reality not some online fantasy website where everyone tells everyone else they are beautiful runway models.This is great for peoples self confidence but does it really help you in the long run?
I enjoy a lot of threads on this site but the ones about CD's looking for men make me want to be sick, I hope for you and your SO' sake you dont go down that path...Ellie

[Shari]

Hi Lacie
I've already been down the same road as you've traveled. I am also at the point where you are. Flattery is wonderful and exciting and there is no body on this planet who doesn't like receiving compliments, especially that of a desirable and sexy nature.
Be careful out there and if you do nothing else, never, never, ever tell your blissfully ignorant SO about the men. Your entire life will change in a heartbeat.

[samanthasolo]

Lacie, I think you summed up a scenario that we all have been to one way or another, there is a line between fantasy and reality but there is the all so familiar phrase that follows very close behind. Be careful what you wish for! You know that once fantasy becomes reality it usually doesn't play out to be " The grass is greener on the other side "

We all have gone through the frenzy of trying to control circumstances, control others, and worrying about thinks we have no control over. As all this goes on around us and we become consumed by all of it there is one thing that is lacking that can bring perspective and clarity to all of it.

Self Control

With it we still can't control the people or the circumstances that evolve around us, but when others see we are in control of ourself, that is when we might be able to influence what goes on around us or those people we deal with.

So Lacie, congratulations! It seems you have had a REAL GLIMPSE of what I just described. You found clarity and it's perspective led you to take the proper steps in regaining your Self Control.

So was it the internet that made you do any of it or was it the ONE you see in the mirror that did it!

[Adriana Moretti]

this is EXACTLY why I had a bag over my head last week .


urge to take potentially incriminating pics of self crossdressed and post on the internet

[Kristy 56]

Hi Lacie, I definitely can relate to that.It certainly has emboldened me. In some ways good,and in some ways bad. In fact my SO found out about my crossdressing when she caught me here. But , I've enjoyed and shared some great experiences here too. I guess there's always pros and cons to everything. :)

[Kate Simmons]

I get what you are saying but just understand that we, and we alone, are responsible for our own actions. Not the "pink fog", not the devil, not the internet or the sock gnome who likes pantyhose.:battingeyelashes::)

[Beverley Sims]

Lacie,
It is probably a good thing to withdraw a little and take stock of what you do on the net.
Some erotic fantasies really are not that healthy and you should tread carefully in the area of meeting other people for a clandestine relationship.

You are being dishonest with your wife, so remember why you married her in the first place.