"DADT" the 800 lb gorilla inthe room !!!

[mykell]

two weeks since my reveal to the mrs., gone better than i expected from that day,
most things are relatively back to normal,
except myself, less of an urge to dress and i have time during the week. maybe guilt?
when having conversations i rethink everything im about to say and think about its new meaning, because its now out sitting in the room all the time!! "the gorilla"
as an example if while watching a show on tv and a character is acting wishy washy i would normally say what a wuss without thinking about it.
now i second guess a lot of things, maybe trying to avoid a glaring look from the mrs.
is it just me or has this happened to you....

dont want to take away from the fact that she needs time to catch up also.....

[Anna H]

I know that feeling. Even though my wife has known and
is as perfectly fine with it as it gets, I may still have times
when I'm just a bit self-conscious.

I'm Very lucky though, in that it *Truly* does not bother her
in the least...so it's all in my head. She'll give me advice
right off and then I'm good to go.

My advice isn't worth much, but I might try something very
subtle for awhile to ease her into it....to see what the reaction
will be. Maybe some very plain flats that don't scream "dressed
up". Just something a tiny bit unusual that you can say is just
"comfortable."

I do know the feeling, though...

[reb.femme]

Hi Mikell,

Glad all is going OK so far.

MY wife is accepting but not over joyed with my 'lifesyle' choice. However, we are just celebrating 40 years together and as a little present she bought a his and hers mug set. She said these would both be mine depending on which mood I was in (girl or boy). So whilst not overjoyed with my life style choice, she certainly accepts beyond anything I could ask for. Same for a dress she bought this week, said it would be ours if it fits me. What more can I say?

Rebecca

[cheryl]

Yeah I'm with you on this one. My wife is OK with my dressing USUALLY. But I have to be careful about what I say, other wise it's look whose talking, man in a dress.

[kimdl93]

Why not relax and let things take their course?

[Hell on Heels]

I'm happy for you Mikell, although I'm not out to my SO, I do find myself not commenting on things as I might have in the past. Older, wiser, tolerant, and as I've come to learn thanks to many here on the forum,
a lot more empathetic.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Jenniferathome]

Mikell, you should be yourself. If in being yourself, it causes your wife to ask a question, great but if not, you are just you. She's not actively thinking about you being a cross dresser.

[Secret Drawer]

Good advice in just being yourself, and as "normal" as you were before the reveal especially as its been only a couple of weeks! I am going on five years and just keep it our of her face as much as possible, and if she does walk in on me or happen to see something new, I don't bother to hide it.
The biggest problem most of us in DADT relationships face is the general notion that we progress along this curve, and when we revealed our truth (once apon a time) it changed over time, while our SO's don't imagine anything different from that day! In other words, we want to maybe come out to others, or go out in public, or just don't care who knows and dress the way we want, etc. and so forth... while our SO's think we have a thing for shoes!
When communication is KEY, and DADT means DON'T TELL!! This is a trouble spot.

[Katey888]

Mikell - I'm glad things are going well for you - only two weeks in and that's really early days, so I guess it must be hard to pace yourself and then hold back when you think you might be saying something hypocritical - but I don't think you should worry - we ALL do that from time to time.
Being yourself is a good way to be, as long as you can reserve some humility and humour for when things come out unexpectedly ironic, you will be fine. And continue to be patient... :meditate: The gorilla will look more at home over time :D

Take it easy - Katey x

[Shari]

It's nasty to feel that paranoid but believe me, it isn't on the front burner with her like it is with you.
Don't overthink what she's thinking.

[KristyE]

Mikell, The first few months were like walking on egg shells for me and she was cold and distant. A few months down the road and things are almost normal. She will give me the eye when I poke fun of things I see but what the heck. She has even seen me recently in my nighty the other morning and had no issue. Things will get better.
Love KristyE

[Marcelle]

Hi Mikell,

I would just be yourself and incorporate this aspect of you into your relationship in a controlled manner. I get the overthinking everything you say now that the 800lb gorilla is not only in the room but dressed in pink as well. Just relax and go slow with your DADT and you will get to a place of comfort for both.

Hugs

Isha

[Lynn Marie]

The next day after my big reveal my SO commented on the 800 pound gorilla in the room. I realized then that we lost the very thing that made us special. I'll always regret my deception.

[Jaime77]

While not out to my SO, and while also brooding about how/if/when to make the big reveal, I have also found myself consciously suppressing comments I had once made about others obvious gender proclivities. Kind of like a phase in to a discussion of my own I guess...

[Kristy 56]

Mikell since its only been about 2 weeks I'd take things a little slow. Believe me she's still.absorbing all of this and there still may be a backlash.At least in my case there was.

[sweetshauna]

Sounds like it's goin' pretty well for you so far. The mugs, 1 for each of your personas, the sharing of the dress? doesn't sound like much of a DADT situation to me.

My S/O has known from the first few month into our relationship, and now all that's holding me back now is courage.

Your S/O is still wrapping her head around all this. Sure you trouble could be guilt, but sounds like she just maybe the one to help you overcome that.

Give her a bit of time cuz it sounds like the three? of you are on the right track.

Stay Pretty!

[Beverley Sims]

Yes you do have to temper your terminology to fit the moment. :)

[WandaRae2009]

I know exactly where you are coming from. My wife Tolerates, because after counseling, she understands this isn't going away. Once I came out to her she wouldn't let me go clothes shopping with her for I would say close to a year. Now it is not a problem any more. I have even gone bra shopping (for her) with her. That is so much fun because since I don't feel that anyone is questioning my being there since I am there with her. I do not bring up the topic, but when she asks a question, I answer it truthfully. Good luck and take it slow. She has a lot to absorb, and get used to. Good luck.

[~Joanne~]

My SO has been absolutely amazing with all of this from the moment I told her how deep the rabbit hole goes. Mind you, She already sort of knew from halloween adventures out and the fact that I wore hosiery openly for years. I still have times though where I am very skittish about dressing in front of her. I think it's a normal reaction as far as the "normal" goes for us.

[MatildaJ.]

As a GG, I do think your wife is likely to be thinking about the gorilla in the room as much as you are. We all speak differently to men versus women, and sometimes that makes me stumble over my words when speaking to him while thinking about the CDing. Like, now I would be self-conscious if it crossed my mind to say "that's very ballsy."

[mykell]

thanks jess,
i appreciate the participation of the GGs on the forum more now-a-days,
thanks for your two cents....

[Christen]

I'm going to sound a bit silly, but what does 'DADT' stand for?

[Nadine Spirit]

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

[Stephanie47]

I've been in a DADT for several decades. The 800 pound gorilla has lost weight. My wife has realized I'm still the man she married. I just have a little quirk. Of course, in DADT it means not pushing any aspect of cross dressing. There are boundaries, stated and unstated, that are not violated. On several occasions she has found a panty or bra that I forgot to put away. She just puts it aside out of view in the laundry room and lets me know where it is. No discussion is held. When watching tv, if something related to cross dressing arises (news, comedy) nothing is said. I'm sure that prompts her brain to think about it. But, nothing happens.

Once my wife and I did encounter her father in drag at Halloween with his girl friend. He looked terrible, but, was having a great time. I was envious. I remember it. My wife? She says she does not remember the encounter at all. Perhaps she wants to block out every possible vision of any of her male relatives dressed as a woman.

If she were to ask me to dress up for her I really doubt I would ever accommodate her. That would open a Pandora's Box. Somethings are best left to one's imagination.

[Di]

Another GG here:D Glad you understand it sometimes takes time.

two weeks since my reveal to the mrs., gone better than i expected from that day,
most things are relatively back to normal,

She prob is thinking about it all and sorting things out in her mind.
Each couple has to work out what works for them....it just takes time, love,openness.:hugs:
Best Wishes

[ChristinaK]

Time does heal. I had the same reaction as you. Didn't want to dress for a while, felt guilt. My guilt and prudence gave her time to process. Slow and easy is good, easing her into your secret world. Mine accepted for a while, but had a change of heart after a few years, even though I shielded her from most of my activity. I think my downfall was due to me wearing nightgowns during sex, which she told me was sexy, but ,lied to please me. Now we're so used to that gorilla that neither of us see it, unless that gorilla decides to wear a dress!

Good luck, and may you both find middle ground. Life is like a box of chocolates. They both melt and get sticky!

[Katie Russell]

Hi Mikell

I know what you mean. Sometimes my wife will comment on how a female presenter is dressed. I never know quite how to react or how she expects me to react. Do I say 'Yes she looks really nice I think it would suit me' or just give a normal no committal answer as I always did before. I can never work out if she wants a masculine or feminine response. As with you it's a DADT relationship so the gorilla just sits there.

Katie

[mykell]

I've been in a DADT for several decades. The 800 pound gorilla has lost weight. My wife has realized I'm still the man she married. I just have a little quirk. Of course, in DADT it means not pushing any aspect of cross dressing. There are boundaries, stated and unstated, that are not violated. On several occasions she has found a panty or bra that I forgot to put away. She just puts it aside out of view in the laundry room and lets me know where it is. No discussion is held. When watching tv, if something related to cross dressing arises (news, comedy) nothing is said. I'm sure that prompts her brain to think about it. But, nothing happens.

Once my wife and I did encounter her father in drag at Halloween with his girl friend. He looked terrible, but, was having a great time. I was envious. I remember it. My wife? She says she does not remember the encounter at all. Perhaps she wants to block out every possible vision of any of her male relatives dressed as a woman.

If she were to ask me to dress up for her I really doubt I would ever accommodate her. That would open a Pandora's Box. Somethings are best left to one's imagination.
have talked to others about dressing with her and doubt i could do it...

Another GG here:D Glad you understand it sometimes takes time.


She prob is thinking about it all and sorting things out in her mind.
Each couple has to work out what works for them....it just takes time, love,openness.:hugs:
Best Wishes
thanks for the well wishes, they say time heals all wounds, just wish society wouldnt look at this as a wound....

Time does heal. I had the same reaction as you. Didn't want to dress for a while, felt guilt. My guilt and prudence gave her time to process. Slow and easy is good, easing her into your secret world. Mine accepted for a while, but had a change of heart after a few years, even though I shielded her from most of my activity. I think my downfall was due to me wearing nightgowns during sex, which she told me was sexy, but ,lied to please me. Now we're so used to that gorilla that neither of us see it, unless that gorilla decides to wear a dress!

Good luck, and may you both find middle ground. Life is like a box of chocolates. They both melt and get sticky!
"you never know what your gonna get"-like your version too, one of my favorite movies, she quotes that all the time, pretty ironic....

Hi Mikell

I know what you mean. Sometimes my wife will comment on how a female presenter is dressed. I never know quite how to react or how she expects me to react. Do I say 'Yes she looks really nice I think it would suit me' or just give a normal no committal answer as I always did before. I can never work out if she wants a masculine or feminine response. As with you it's a DADT relationship so the gorilla just sits there.

Katie
i guess this is one of the pink elephants folks talk about,
my gorilla seems to be on crash diet, feels more like 400# now, feeling more normal as each day passes....

[Tina_gm]

In those 1st few weeks and months, I too experienced the gorilla. I think it is normal for those of us who disclosed later on. You want to sail, but try so hard not to rock the boat. At times, it is still there for me, but not always as strong as it was. As much as there is this big change and shock for our S/O's, there is for us as well. We are so used to them or likely anyone knowing about us, now they do. Some of our thoughts and feelings may change because of this too. Not necessarily to want to dress more or less, but things sometimes take on a slightly different look or feel to them about our very way of being. Good luck, stay strong and stay patient.

[TessInJxn]

I had the exact same experience. I started overthinking everything. What was the Mrs. going to interpret from my comment that is now different now that she knows about Tess? I've been out to her for about a year. I still have those thoughts, I times. Less now then I did then. That, too, will pass, as they say.