Going Ballistic is not the answer

[Teresa]

For the members who read and commented on my " Going Ballistic," thread I can't thank you enough I realised that was not the way to go. I'm going to take this opportunity to say how lucky I am to be a member of such a well structured and administered forum and given me so many helpful friends.

I was thinking about my father's death, he was only 53 but drank and smoked heavily so it was inevitable, I'm sorry to say we were never close. I hate being morbid but what if I died tomorrow? I'm going to leave my wife in an embarrassing mess and it would be irresponsible not to consider it. She knows about my Cding but not as far as I know the things hidden in my darkroom. How I put it to her is still tricky but I want show I'm trying to be considerate. I did think about moving the stuff in case it doesn't go well but that looks as if I'm being honest and deceitful at the same time.
I've sort of dried up so I hope you've got enough to comment on.
TERESA

[Katey888]

Teresa - don't be morbid :hugs: - unless you know something you're not telling you are unlikely to pop your slingbacks tomorrow... :) I know it's hard losing parents - both mine in the past 2 years - and I think with every bereavement there's always a tinge of guilt... and that's probably what you're feeling and projecting into your relationship.
Perhaps you can tell her without going into any details - "My hobby kit is in the 3 suitcases in the darkroom..." - just a thought. At least then you're being somewhat open without necessarily going into gory details... :)
So be optimistic - don't be morbid - it's usually not as bad as it might seem...

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

The main thing is to not let the CDing process take over as let on the loose it tends to get out of control. Work on making it a choice rather than a compulsion, then you call the shots. We can still enjoy dressing but the feelings that go along with it need to be managed.:)

[Secret Drawer]

After four years of my wife knowing, but not having seen everything, as the OP, I decided last year to SLOWLY bring all of my hidden stuff out in the open. So now my regular closet has hanging skirts and dresses, all my lingerie is in my normal drawer (actually, I have nothing male in it!), and I put something in the wash now and then that I dry on the rack and just simply show her that I have nothing to hide. I don't recommend doing it all at once, unless you do decide to simply say that there are these suitcases/ boxes in my darkroom that contain this part of my life... But it is a nice psychological relief knowing that she knows and whatever happens it won't come as a shock. Good Luck, and you might as well live the way you want as soon as possible, because there aren't any guarantees on life as far as I have found!

[Shari]

My wife knows exactly where my things are and we are at an understanding that she throws them all out should something happen to me.
Just tell her where they are without telling her what they are or showing them to her. You'll achieve some peace of mind anyway.
I know she's gone through and looked at my things since then but she never said a word.

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

I think the advice offered by others here is sound. If you are concerned, then I would either introduce your stuff slowly or just let her know where it is should something happen. You could discuss it with her as well and see what her comfort level is (seeing it all or just knowing where it is).

Hugs

Isha

[mykell]

teresa,

im 53, my pop passed in august, his SO doled out his belongings to who she saw fit.
that said i found this forum in november, have had many firsts since. first avatar, which included the first photo of "mikell" ever !!
the first face photo, first compliment, felt weird, first online friends and my first reveal to SO, hope to never have a second.

i would second your thought about "how lucky I am to be a member of such a well structured and administered forum thats given me so many helpful friends"

after my reveal things became DADT, all good for me now. for the purpose of this thought, all my things are now together, she knows and when she finds my things she will know what they are. no surprises now. that was my intention from the feeling to tell her, she asked her questions and i answered them while i was here and able instead of being gone and her assuming answers that may not have been true. task complete !!

so if she knows, when she finds your things she knows why she found, yes ? so why rock the boat if you dont need to?

MHO....

[Maria 60]

With the kids getting older my wife and I travel more and just the two of us, I have told her if anything should happen to us together the kids are going to be in for a big surprise, I have stuff everywhere. She said the best part is I won't be here to see there reactions anyway.LOL.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Teresa, we men of a certain age are dumbfounded when discovering our mortality. Youth breeds immortality. The middle age awakening to SO MANY of life's uncertainties can be maddening. Add into that mix our cd lifestyle & suddenly we are candidates to go ballistic. I am not a great dispenser of wisdom , but I do know that a repeated daily mantra of " think positive ... Be positive " somehow guides me through the uncertainties, permits me to have a clearer perspective & makes me a better husband.

You are most intelligent & articulate . Maybe consider being a better friend to your wife. It may take time , but maybe your display of kindness may mellow her cd walls of resistance ; if nothing else she might better understand you & your need for inner Teresa peace. Just some random thoughts that might be applicable. My friend , I truly hope that finding that inner peace will calm your uncertainties.

[bridget thronton]

Once my wife and kids we told (and accepted) those fears of what will they think after I am gone vanished. Small thing perhaps but one less thing to worry about.

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa,
Kate has her finger on the pulse as do others here.
Don't overcompensate yet unless you know when the end of the line occurs.

[Alice Torn]

Wow! 53. My father is 93 next week, and vital signs are perfect. This totally self absorbed immature , bitter old man, has made my life very painful. I pray he goes to sleep soon, and his unhappiness end. I am single, and if i got killed, i would give all to the Salvation Army. If i got hurt, which i have a few times, and had many close calls lately, falling, cracking my head on the ice, near crashes on the icy roads, I don't know what would happen to my cats, and all my clothes, and other things. No one in the world to help me.