Not what I thought!

[Suzanne F]

I had an unpleasant experience with an aggressive man the other night while out as Suzanne. Someone had listed about being hit on by men and I responded. The lack of anyone really responding points to something else for me.

First let me say what happened. I was out in the Castro in SF on Friday night. I went back to my car to retrieve my jacket. A couple got out of the car next to me. They were maybe mid 60s. The man asked if I was going to the film festival. I said no but I have seen many people going and have a nice time. I then walked up to Walgrens on next block and went in. I was looking for a hair brush. I tie we around in the store and the man was right behind me. He proceeded to tell me how hot I was and how he just had to meet up with me. I politely said I am married. He said he was also. He then just kept saying how he just had to hook up with me. I really was paralyzed. People were beginning to look at us. I kept saying no thank you but he was so persistent. Finally I took his card to get rid of him.

I have had compliments from men and loved it. I thought being hit on would be a validating experience. It wasn't. I debated about telling my wife but decided I should. She had dreamed that night about me being hit on in that parking lot! When I told her I began to cry. I am not sure why it was so emotional. Maybe it was an acknowledgement of being a woman deep inside. I am not sure. She was so loving and supportive. I am sure there were other reasons for the emotions. I guess I really hadn't appreciated how vulnerable I was as Suzanne.

I won't let this stop me from going out. I will be better prepared if it ever happens again. I think this was further proof it is much more than clothes for me. Inside I am Suzanne no matter what I am wearing. I am on my journey and it is scary. I so appreciate what the trans women of this site have shared. Just a little taste of what you have faced has deeply moved me.

Suzanne

[Laurie Ann]

Suzanne I am so sorry for your negative experience. It sounds as if this will not deter you from being your true self.

[Krististeph]

I use to go running at night dressed en femme, just around the neighborhood. It was safe enough, and I had various forms of protection with me. One night I got some wolf whistles and yells from some idiots out cruising or coming home from a bar or whatever. It was not validating. Maybe a little in retrospect, but it really made me understand what females feels like when men yell cat-calls and such, even if the guys think they are only joking.

If women want to be treated with more respect, they should pass a law requiring men to live crossdressed for a month or two. I thought I understood what women must feel, but I did not until that night. I felt rather ashamed that I was so off the mark.

Relatedly, when I used to hang out with some gay friends in the various gay bars, I didn't want to tell people I was straight because I though I'd be shunned or harassed to a degree, so I spent a bit of time fighting off people wanting to hit on or hook up with me (my friends thought this was hilarious and was the subject of way too much discussion, imho), so i thought i knew what women felt like when guys would hit on them unwantedly.

I was wrong.

Men are scum, often. Hang in there Suzanne.

[Dawn cd]

Suzanne, it sounds like a frightening experience. But the reasons for the fear might be worth exploring. Were you frightened by an encounter with a sexual predator? That would be certainly understandable. Or were you frightened by the full implications of being a woman?

[LeaP]

You were being sexualized in a very creepy way and stalked besides. There is nothing validating in that, nor would I put it in the category of being hit on in any normal sense.

[Suzanne F]

I agree Lea. I just didn't realize how much that would affect me. In my drug and acting out periods when I was a young male I was hit on by older men a lot. I never felt vulnerable like this. I do agree there is a big difference between being hit on and being stalked.
Suzanne

[Kaitlyn Michele]

that's s a horrible experience..
sorry it happened to you..

I'm sure you felt terrible and emotional too, for you own sake, you better hope its not an acknowledgement of "being a woman on the inside"...

[Barbara Ella]

Such a frightening experience, and in no way normal. During my brief moments when i can be myself, I have the same apprehensions of something happening almost every person I pass. Then I think, hell, I am 67 years old, quit hallucinating. Sorry this happened to you. Glad you told your wife. Mine worries terribly, they need to know to share.

Barbara

[Eryn]

It might be a good idea to rethink where and when you go. I brought up the Castro District on Spotcrime and it lists 10 assaults and a shooting on the 24th alone! Would a GG put herself in the same position as you?

[kimdl93]

I'm sorry for the unpleasant experience. There is no. Excuse for such boorish behavior. I wonder how that deep would feel if you told his wife.

Anyway, there are predators out there and you had the sad misfortune of encountering one.

[Michelle789]

I'm sorry you had that awful experience. Please don't let this stop you from being true to yourself.


If women want to be treated with more respect, they should pass a law requiring men to live crossdressed for a month or two.

Agreed, and I love such radical ideas like that. The month or two should be during a time of year that is not too hot or not too cold and everyone is going out, depending on the location. January in Minnesota is not fair since it's super-cold and everyone stays indoors, it would be depriving everyone of the full experience. July in Arizona is just as unfair since it's too hot and everyone stays indoors. The cross-living must come during a time of year when the weather is conducive to outdoor activities, and must be whatever is good a "nice time of year" for that region. June/July is nice in Alaska, December/January is nice in Florida, April/October is nice in DC, and anytime is good in California.

[Vanessa Rose]

Suzanne,


to quote Eddie Izzard in the Death Star Canteen... I would hack at their neck with a think mint until the blood flowed across the canteen floor! ... If interested, see the lego rendition - unbelievable timing and set up.


Really dear, that is why I posted that and continue to post things that I think raise important points, to consider for our road less traveled an into the real world as CD's. That said, I do think there was some solid points given but perhaps this is a thread that would be worth posting or sticky noting if the points from the respondents provide a final summarized series of issues and resolutions for subjects like these.


I would like to think, and not making light of your situation because I would have sweat like a rhino, is that this situation is not seeming malicious but definitely poorly executed.


Fear I would think trumps happiness, especially when one is vulnerable. In the end, you rose to the occasion, solved the problem and came home safely.


I am not a violent person, but everyone has a pen in their purse or wherever, placed discretely in the hand and acted on, it can be a terribly effective weapon in self defense.




Vanny


Best of success in the future..


Vanny

[Patty F]

Sorry about you bad experience, some men are just creeps and there is no excuse for their actions

[Nicole Erin]

I think your worry is over-reacting.
If you live as a woman, men are going to be interested in dating (or "dating"...). It does not matter if you pass or not. Some men like us specifically. As we age we may not get as much flirting but it will always happen.

Here is the reality -
Too many of the men interested in us are flakes. I have planned on going on dates with men and most of the time they do not show up or cancel at the last minute. What that means for you (or anyone not interested) is -
Pretend to want to go out. Make is say a week from the original meeting. During the time, you might get some gross emails or texts but then the day before, there is a good chance he will cancel. If not, then YOU cancel.
This is great if you have no interest but it SUCKS when you are interested. I myself do want to date men (or women) but so many people flake out. Usually after wasting a bunch of minutes on my phone with texts about how they want me to do things to them.

Why not just say you are not interested from the onset? Well, that can be intimidating for some to reject someone to their face. That is why they accept a date but then cancel. Women do this crap ALL the time.

I am telling you, if you plan on being out as a woman, whether full or part time, male attention is something you will have to deal with. I live full time as a woman and I am not vulnerable about male advances. I tend to scare them off I think.

Men are usually JUST as scared of what may happen. I give it 10 to 1 if you had planned a date, he would have flaked.