Asking the "Why? Question . . . Do we need to?

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

I have the day off today and thought I would post another musing of my mind for discussion and comment. I know . . . oh, oh here she goes again. Sorry, I will try to be brief . . . Okay, that never happens but I'll try my best. :heehee:

I have noticed that a lot of new posts have centered around the question "Why do we do what we do?" Now I realize this question is more pertinent to CDers and that our sisters who tend to lean more toward the TS spectrum know why they prefer to be a woman. So while this is a community wide discussion topic, I realize it speaks more to CDers but I do welcome all thoughts and comments.

When I finally admitted that I am a guy who likes to dress on occasion as a woman, I asked myself the same question "Why?" I mean there is no benefit to be had. I can dress in my guy clothes, go out, interact and live my life, earn money, have friends and so on. So why should I want to do this? Well the number one answer I decided upon early in my journey was "it feels good" plain and simple. However, this question still creeps into my mind "Why?" I was discussing this with my therapist and she reflected back (as all therapists are apt to do in an attempt to make you work for your answers) "Why is it important that you know?" . So I gave here my best reflective face (I have gotten really good at this face) and shot back "Because sometimes I just need to know to understand myself" Now her reflective face is far more impressive than mine and she also employs the timed silence as if I am suppose to say something else. She then replied "Isn't better to accept you are who you are, embrace it and live your life rather than trying to figure out the why. Do you try to figure out why you like certain kinds of food, why you prefer certain kinds of music or why you are heterosexual? So why try to figure out why you are CD? You are who you are, so love yourself for that and move on"

Wow . . . seemed kind of harsh . . . the therapeutic version of "build a bridge and get over it". So I left a little ticked off with no real answer to my question. Don't get me wrong I am at a good place with who I am but I was hoping for at least a little insight. So I did as I normally do in these cases . . . ruminate until I realized she was right. I have spent an inordinate amount of energy dissecting this thing we do (nature vs. nurture, labels, etc.) to no avail. It was not until I just accepted that I am who I am that I found inner peace.

So my musing is this . . . (finally you are saying :battingeyelashes:) There are lots of gals on this site who are at peace with who they are and this includes not only those who are public but those who are closeted or in a DADT relationship. Do you think by giving up the quest to the Holy Grail "Why" and accepting and loving yourself for who you are that it has helped bring you peace? For those who still struggle with figuring out "why", do you find any sense in this assumption?

The reason I ask is that a lot of new gals show up here and always ask the "why question" in hopes an answer will bring peace of mind. IMHO, I really don't think it will as it seems to be a red herring because there doesn't appear to be one answer. Perhaps my therapist was right, accept your self, love yourself and move on. Now don't get me wrong I do not live in a Pollyanna existence where just saying "I love myself" will open the gate to Narnia and all will be right. This takes introspection and work but it seems like a sound path to follow don't you think?

I will leave you with a quote from Buddha which kind of resonates here:

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.


Hugs

Isha

[Cheryl T]

I have been trying to answer this question for nearly 60 years and have not been able to do so.


If I or anyone can come up with the definitive "Why" answer they will no doubt make millions selling the answer in book as I think most of us would like to know.
I have formally given up the search for the answer. I no longer care why. It no longer matters to me why. I just know that I am happier accepting this as part of me than denying it exists.

[bridget thronton]

I also stopped asking the why question. I am who I am with my flaws and my positive attributes. I dress in the clothes I do because it feels right for me.

[Karren H]

Seeking to answer questions that can't be answered.... is a waste of time.... life is short enough without spending time tormenting yourself.... if you really have to know... just make something up .... it will be as good or better than what a therapist would make up for you... and a whole hell of a lot cheaper!

[MarisaRose.]

The simple truth for me was just as Buddha himself has said, until I could accept and love myself, I really wasn't giving my family everything I have to offer and be for them. I'm a better person, husband, father, now because of it..

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
When I saw your post I thought, "She doesn't know why."
Of all I now realise you do know why,and your last paragraph spells it out nicely.

Karen I like your quote...
"It will be as good or better than what a therapist would "make" up for you"... and a whole hell of a lot cheaper!
I like it.:)

[Kristy 56]

I don't think that the therapists etc really know the answer to that question.

[ChristineNYC]

Why? I am who I am. I used to think that I was 'different', in a not so good way, but today I embrace it, I realize that it makes me special!

[Rachael Leigh]

My take is I have also about given up on the why but still have that nagging want to know the answer. For me and my situation with my wife not understanding it would really help her know that it's not because of anything she did but it's just a part of who I am. It can really be difficult dealing with myself and trying to figure out this part of me and even now as I have come to grips with it better it doesn't necessarily make it better.
I know now I'm never going to know the why this side of heaven but I want to just be the best I can be at what I've been given and help others to be their best as well.
Not necessarily in the CD world but anywhere. I do want others here also to know they can be loved and not feel rejected.
That is one of my big struggles. Ok a little off topic anyway thanks Isha for another great thought provoking topic
Hugs Leigh

[nethiker55]

I think if you need an answer it may be worth musing about. I also think a lot of girls here would fall into the same group as I. I learned to play dress up early in life. I had 3 older sisters and 2 of them liked to dress me as their 4th sister. I also saw and tried all of their clothes and love the feel. I think the fit better and look better. I also learned that women had it better than men in this world, at least in their opinion. I like to at least feel a little like a woman sometimes

[Helen_Highwater]

Are there 2 aspects to this question? Why, when for many the consequences of being "discovered" can be severe ranging from rejection by family or friends, damage/loss of career, loss of marriage, so many possible negatives. That is a different question to why we dress in the first place, what attracts us like moths to a flame. If you've seen those who free climb buildings and tower cranes the question is similar; why, it's because they like the challenge, the rush. Why, when getting it wrong means death.

As for me, I'm not sure I'll really ever know.

[Katey888]

Isha - nice Buddha quote... and a couple of observations from peeking through the closet door keyhole...

Is there any sense in the assumption: 'Oh, just stop fussing and get on with it - no-one really cares what you do in the grand scheme of things anyhow.." I paraphrase slightly.. :)

Yes - this makes sense to me. In the same way I like anchovies in my Caesar salad and my wife doesn't; or that I have a bad habit of singing bad karaoke when driving; or even that I may have other sexual proclivities that fall into a fetish category that doesn't make it to mainstream - as long as these can be undertaken without harm to others or fear of derision and sanction by others (which may be very real for some), then we'd all probably just get on with it.

But because the world at large does not understand us, or largely accept us, we can't be easily public with what we do because of those fears - and we seek the answer to 'Why' because if we had that, we could say to the world: 'We know why we do this - there's no cure, but the reason is XYZ..." - and it would be a bit like understanding leprosy (I'm sorry - I've struggled with a metaphor for this so if anyone thinks of anything better...?) - it used to be unsavoury, disfiguring and until folk learned that mostly it wasn't infectious, sufferers were shipped off to colonies (CD colonies? Could be worse...) and quarantined. It is the stigma associated with our passion that drives us to find a reason - perhaps to have an answer would also free us of blaming ourselves... difficult to have peace if that self-blame and projected guilt is still evident.

So, welcome to the world of fashionable lepers - and btw, the Internet made me do it...?

Katey x

[Bria]

Isha, in ages past there were a lot of questions that could not be answered about physics, astronomy, chemistry, etc. and these things were attributed to magic. Now we can answer a lot of those questions, but we still can't answer all of the questions about human behavior, so til we can we can just say that it's magic!!

BTW I like your Budda quote, I think that it may well apply to Christine's thread about accidental wife.

As usual, thanks for the post that has made us think, again!

Hugs, Bria

[Tina_gm]

For those of us who dress because we desire to, it is because of gender variance to at least some degree. Why we have gender variance.... might as well ask why the big bang happened. Dressing is the easiest quickest and most reversible way to express our variance to the feminine side. This is how I think of it as to why in my case.

[Teresa]

Hi Isha,
I have to go along with Leigh's answer, I wanted to know "WHY" to understand it myself so I could hopefully put it across to others, just to say I like wearing a dress doesn't really cut it. I like the Buddah quote but it's hard to love yourself when you're knotted up with guilt, and wonder how much you're loved back but I still enjoy making other people happy.

[AllieSF]

Buddha has a way with words. I think the idea of getting to that point in ones life where they accept themselves as they are, consciously or not usually comes later in life, especially for those, like us, who have some not so common part of ourselves that the general public are not all that familiar with. So, a younger person asking why is totally natural and understandable. As we age we get to have a lot of good and bad experiences, which help us grow, mature and look at life and ourselves differently, usually more rationally.

That is where I was when I started dressing just a few years ago. I was semi-retired trying out a new more independent career to see how I liked it as a prelude to full retirement. It didn't work so well so I just fell into full retirement after a brief bout with cancer. There I was aged, like a good bottle of wine, experienced, mature (for me), pragmatic (Mom's fault) and needing something. That something turned out to be crossdressing. Once started I never looked back. I embraced it and continue to do so. Since I have been on this site from the very beginning of this late in life journey, I read all the threads about "Why?". As curious as I am about most things in life, business and people, I have never been curious enough to ask myself that question. I attribute that fortunate situation to being here at this later point in my life. I am thankful for that, because it grieves me to see so many people having so much difficulty in accepting this side of themselves.

I wish that how I feel could be easily transmitted to others like cooties from a good hug.

[Jaymees22]

I think we all wonder why. I always like a simple answer to most questions. So my answer here is "Why not", it just feels like the right thing to do for myself and I think it's helping me find my true self. Jaymee

[Ceri Anne]

I'm in therapy at this time trying to come to grips with the same question. I know I do this because it allows me to express part of me that is normally repressed. It is freeing, but I'm trying to get a better grip on this so I can better explain myself to my wife and to better figure out where I am going.

[RebeccaLynne]

Isha, I like your therapist's reasoning. I'll go one further: Why ask why? It just is.

I first crossdressed as a four year old, loved it, and have done it ever since. I need to, 'cause if I didn't do it, I wouldn't be happy.

[Hell on Heels]

Hi Isha, I do believe I have given up the quest for the "Holy Grail", and that has brought a bit of peace. But for me it really has been much of a concern. Maybe more in my younger years, and even back then it was a question of "what" was I doing, rather than why.
There is obviously no clear cut answer to the question. I respond to it with another question, why not? It's much easier to answer.
Have a great day off my dear friend!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Alice B]

Like Karren says, it is an uninsurable question. I will go with two other quotes. Jim Rome "it is what it is" and pop eye " I yam what I yam"

[Jaylah414]

If I hit the 'Reply' button instead of the 'Post' button one more time! How dumb...

Anyway, when I was very young, I didn't need to ask why. Parents, ministers, teachers and my peers told me one way or another the thoughts I was having were wrong. That was enough. I had to make myself into a real man. Thinking about girly things didn't help.

When I was a teen, the question was very strong and sometimes very depressing. "Why did I want to be that way?" I needed an answer and searched in religion. The religion of those around me told me that not only were the feelings evil, but so was I. I knew I wasn't evil. So, I quit that one and began to look for one unifying faith that could bind all my troubling feelings together and tuck them away in a magic box.

In my early twenties, I finally found a belief system that wasn't so painful. It was called hedonism. I soon found out that I wasn't very good at it, and it still didn't offer me that magic box. There were way too many contradictions.

In my late twenties, I discovered something I've known all along. I discovered science and reason. I no longer required a magic box. I became a devout skeptic and rabid atheist. We are what we are because of our genetic and environmental programing and that was that. Whatever answers we didn't have, we could find by gathering more evidence, put the pieces together and follow the obvious storyline.

Since then, I've mellowed. I'm no longer militant in my belief systems, and I've become very tolerant of the beliefs of others. However, there has been a growing data base consisting of studies, experiments and historical data coming together to at least begin to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. And, I do accept the idea that maybe, with enough time and technological progress we will eventually be able to put together at the least a simplified puzzle that can show us how and why we become what we are and why we do the things we do.

Of course, that opens the very scary door of using that knowledge to more easily regulate and control people...

I guess that we all have our stories of how and why we got to where we are today. I did, however, discover in my teens that's it's not a very healthy choice to dwell on such questions.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I have noticed that a lot of new posts have centered around the question "Why do we do what we do?"

I have noticed that.


She then replied "Isn't better to accept you are who you are, embrace it and live your life rather than trying to figure out the why. Do you try to figure out why you like certain kinds of food, why you prefer certain kinds of music or why you are heterosexual? So why try to figure out why you are CD? You are who you are, so love yourself for that and move on"

Or as I say, "Will knowing why make your life any better? The "Why" does not matter. "This Thing of Ours of Varying Kinds" is what it is. What matters in the long run is how you deal with it.


I have spent an inordinate amount of energy dissecting this thing we do (nature vs. nurture, labels, etc.) to no avail. It was not until I just accepted that I am who I am that I found inner peace.

or, as I say: "Time is finite, rather than wasting time with "why" focus on how you deal with it"


Do you think by giving up the quest to the Holy Grail "Why" and accepting and loving yourself for who you are that it has helped bring you peace?

Yes, for my sake. For me the Important Question was "What Kind of This Thing of Ours of Varying Kinds Am I?"

Veronica

[MsVal]

Would it help to know the answer? I think it would. I believe it would be comforting, or perhaps relieve or redirect the anxiety that some crossdressers feel. If, for example, there was a strong correlation between crossdressing and parents with an uncommon genetic match, one could find peace in the knowledge that it isn't because he is bad, depraved, or evil; he inherited it from his parents.

[Jaylah414]

MsVal.. I wholeheartedly agree. However, considering some human history, I am little worried some may use that same knowledge for the opposite intent. I recall that was one of the gay communities big concerns when science began to find minor differences in the brains of gay men and women and the brains of straight men and women. That line of study hasn't progressed very far, but this problem with new technology is always seems to lurk right around the corner.right around the corner.

[Adriana Moretti]

you only get one ride on this merry-go -round.....I stopped asking that question , I would rather enjoy the ride than sit and ponder why

[Rachel292]

A very timely question - my daughter just rang while I was reading this thread. My 2year old grandson has today started asking Why @?"£$%^ she can't understand quite what he's asking, but he's now asking questions. It is in our nature to try and find out 'why', unfortunately i don't think there is always an answer. It's taken me best part of 50 years to come to terms with 'me' , and I don't think i'll ever know 'why'.

[kelly10]

I think you are right Isha. The biggest problem for CDers, I believe, is accepting this thoroughly enjoyable, weird and wacky, wild, unpredictable, side of us while battling the judgement of most of the world (and often our own).
I think many of us engage ourselves in 'why' because we are curious, but also in an attempt to apply rationality (It seems in terms of societal norms to be so bizarre!) in order to bring the very desire itself under rational control. Not how or when we do it; most of us are Zen masters at that, but to have the desire itself, its wellspring, the initial desire, controlled by the little person at the controls. I think this is largely driven by our awareness of societal norms and expectations. "I must control this thing that society says is (fill in the your own boogeyman)."
I think that for a great many the whys really are a red herring. They go round and round all their lives distracted from the real work. It’s easy to intellectualize. In rational discourse you simply defend your ideas in the marketplace of ideas. Some hate to be rejected and find comfort in majority opinions even there, but even minority opinions are to be defended rationally. That’s easy. It is a requirement. But how do you defend a desire? How do you defend CDing?

My view is…you don’t. The burden of justification lies with those who are against it.
Why do they ridicule it?
Why do they reject it?
Why do some violently reject it?
It’s not my job to defend or explain my desire to them. If they ridicule or reject me because of it, that’s their problem not mine.
Those questions are theirs to answer not mine. (Although there are lots of good theories and explanations there!)
I think self acceptance is the biggest obstacle in the lives of many CDers. Focus there and not so much on the whys. The whys are a mug’s game. Have fun and enjoy. Life is way, way too damn short!

[Isabella77]

I don't really have a problem with why. I feel like I know myself well enough answer that question on my own. The problem I have is with embracing myself. It's hard for me. I place a lot of expectations on myself that I can never really live up to. In a way I'm kinda out of sync with reality as far as that goes but I'm very hard on myself. I suppose that's just the way I was brought up. Sometimes I feel like crossdressing is just a way of insulating myself. Maybe I'm creating a barrier between myself and the world. IDK. It's very hard for me to keep this all to myself and deal with it as a self contained situation. However, I'm just not really willing to share this part of myself with a whole lot of people.

[Gillian Gigs]

When I ask myself "why" questions, it is usually so I can understand something. When it comes to Cding I started off seeing this "thing" as a curse. If it were the whole cup half full, or empty, I was looking from the negative point of view. The positve expression says, if the world gives you lemons, then open a lemonade stand, so in learning some of the "whys", I have to find the positive side to all of this. By example my Cding makes me vulnerable to my secrets getting out, so I don't reveal others secrets. If this is a weakness of character within me, then I have to be understanding of others weaknesses and have compassion for them, as I would like to receive from them. I have been called in my faith to love others as I love myself, loving myself includes all of me, Cding included. I need to value myself and others inspite of my or their quirks, short comings, faults, and weaknesses. Why, to help make the world a better place, I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem!

[UNDERDRESSER]

The reason this question is asked so often is that it is seen, (by mainstream society, an very often by ourselves) as something illogical and bizarre.

"So, you like to dress up as a woman, and try to make a believable presentation, but you have no interest in becoming a woman, or have any interest in sexual relationships with another male?" And of course the next question is why? Because on the face of it, it doesn't lend itself to a simple understanding.

Of course, some on here do, think of themselves as female, and/or are gay, but I think the majority don't identify with that.

For most of us, asking the question on here isn't terribly productive, except in sorting through answers in order to reject the ones you know aren't relevant to yourself. Just narrowing the options can be useful. I do feel that until you can confide in someone, and get some feedback (in person is best, but this forum is extremely useful if you can't) it is very hard to get a grip on motivations and the direction you are actually heading.

So, ask the question if you must, and sort through the answers, but don't feel that what is right for others must be right for you. And don't stress too much about it, it is what it is. Yes, the more you know about yourself, the better, but it's more important to accept yourself.

[natcrys]

I think Popeye said it best with his: "I yam what I yam!".

Since age 4, I knew I was different.. since age 10, I knew what the label was.. but since then, I have never *really* understood why.

And I realised, I don't care! I'm happy.. and I would not want it any other way!

[(Sara)]

Why is the question on everybody's lips, be it for gender identity, sexuality and indeed even existence in itself. Science has long had trouble with the question "Why?", it can tell you what, when, where and how, but why (or for what purpose).. now that is never going to deliver a satisfactory answer. For most of human action, we can give purpose to the things we say and do - but there certain things that are ingrained in us deeply.

Some things are not for a purpose of your own making, they just simply are, and have always been that way at some level. For some of us our gender diversity just is and there is no discernible purpose, for others they know for what purpose (i.e. sexual reasons), and for some they know but don't want to believe it, and would like a different purpose.

The therapist was right, and in my opinion why can bog you down, some people will never catch that particular dragon.

[Kate Simmons]

I no longer have to ask why as I have accepted myself and my feelings and taken ownership of them,I am a self managed and self directed person Isha. This is a part of my destiny and there is a method to my "madness" and a reason for my actions. ;):battingeyelashes::)

[ChristinaK]

Wow, so many fantastic replies! For me, I don't remember asking "why" when I was young, but wondered, and assumed, that it was probably pretty normal for most boys but something they would not admit. Since I can remember I have adored women's clothes, the feel, styles, etc. When I became sexual it was a thrill. It's just the way I am and like it very much. Now that I'm older it is still a sexual fetish, but has become more of a desire to get in touch with my female side and go out into the world that way. Still not sure why, but don't really care. It's fun and rewarding. Do people that have a leather fetish, pain fetish, or are passionate about a strange hobby ask why? I think because we are considered so far out of the norm, not even as accepted as being gay, we tend to question ourselves too much. It feels good and makes me happy, that's it. I know my wife doesn't understand why, but if I don't know, then why should she?

[Taylor Ray]

Love all the replies, girls! Great stuff and great post!

Love the Eastern spirituality references especially. There are many tales and characters that represent the idea of paradox in Buddhist culture/symbolism.

As has been noted on this site before, the Native American culture had manifestations of cross dressing which seemed to be integrated into the fabric of society.

In dealing with living in contemporary culture, sure, maybe one can read the DSM IV, current literature, and contemporary paradigms and identify as being: a heterosexual cross-dresser? a transvestic fetishist? someone with gender identity disorder? Well, all of these have negative connotations on some level. I think most members of this site choose to celebrate our uniqueness and diversity. Maybe our culture will catch up some day.

I think it was Lewis Carrol who wrote: "For the Snark was a Boojum, you see."

[Jilmac]

I stopped asking why a long time ago. Now I can relate to Popeye when he says "I yam what I yam an' dat's all what I yam". I can live with myself knowing that I'll always be a cd, and can like myself for it.

[Confucius]

I believe in the synesthesia theory for cross-dressing. It basically means that your cross-dressing is a result of the way your brain is hard-wired. When you cross-dress your brain interprets it as actual contact with a female. It is an example where stimulation in one sensory pathway creates a spontaneous, involuntary response in a second sensory pathway.

Your brain has two critical periods of synaptogenesis (periods where your brain makes neural connections). When you are about two years old your brain has its peak of synaptic connections and then through the learning process you experience neural pruning where certain connections are either broken or reinforced. A critical period is your early childhood, and a second critical period occurs with puberty. Your brain is hard-wired to release neurotransmitters when you cross-dress and these neurotransmitters are responsible for your sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification, and bonding. It affects the reward centers of your brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimics the addiction response.

The theory explains why every cross-dresser is unique, and why for some its about comfort, and others its about sexual gratification, etc. I could give you more details but I suggest you study brain childhood development, synesthesia theories, neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin, and more.

No, you cannot stop your brain from releasing neurotransmitters, but some people believe they can reprogram their brain.

[Alaina R]

Seems to me when we ask 'why' we are as we are, we're really looking for a specific cause and effect. The problem we all run into, of course, is that the cause seems to vary a lot. Some say they were dressed up by a sibling or parent, others that their mother was distant or missing, many relate that around puberty they became fascinated or excited by a piece of clothing, and finally, in our overly reductive age, there is much talk about genetic variations or hormone washes or some such thing. And yet, with all this speculation, we seem never to arrive anywhere - the question of why is not answered. It isn't that these reasons aren't true, often they are, it's just that at some level they don't really answer that 'why' question.

Maybe it can be looked at from a larger perspective. For instance, physically, we know that the base model for humans is female. It is not news that males need to go through a process of both physically and mentally separating from mother/females. Psychologists have recognized this for decades. Many older/ancient cultures also recognized this issue and dealt with it by creating initiation ceremonies which would help take adolescent males from childhood (and connection with mother) into a new reality as a man. This type of initiation is not readily available in modern society; our culture is not wired that way. Other ancient Polytheistic cultures made available the possibility to worship a Goddess versus the current Monotheistic God worship that we take for granted. Can we say that in some sense cross-dressing is not a worshipful activity? Seems to me that at least some of time it is most definitely worshipful; so maybe the 'why' of cross-dressing is about worship - who knows.
None of this is an answer but it is a recognition that humans are variable with different needs and that we need outlets for that variability. Carl Jung once said that the "Gods have become diseases". I'm not an expert but I assume he meant that the variability of psychological states was once recognized by the personification of such feelings into deities, yet in modern times such personification no longer exists and so these needs/feelings become more like diseases. What I'm trying to convey is that while I don't have an answer as to 'why' - it is possible that the question may be a lot broader than we normally consider.

[kimdl93]

So that was Buddha who said that, huh?

Anyway, the therapist's job...is not to answer life's unanswerable questions. Mine once, early in our sessions, asked me what I thought the purpose of therapy was. My answer "to make me happy again" (in spite of a painful divorce). Her response was, "no, that's not the purpose at all. It's to help you accept reality."

Similarly, it's not the therapists job to tell you what you are, nor why you are the way you are. Their job is to help you accept yourself for what you are. To accept and live with your reality.

The other thing...the "why" is for the time being inaccessible as anything other than speculation. Perhaps some day there will be a definitive battery of genetic tests or a personality profile that will yield reliable answers to why...but even with such an answer, your still left with the task of living with your reality.

[busker]

[QUOTE=Isha;3420175]Hi all,

as it seems to be a red herring because there doesn't appear to be one answer. /QUOTE]
It is in our nature to inquire. it is what many scientists say that this is one element that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. They also said that about tool making, but that has now been disproved a number of times. Imagine the people of science saying well" seems like a red herring" because we can't figure out how the earth developed and other planets didn't so let's just live with it and that's that. we have indeed discovered much about our little blue dot--not everything--but we will because we keep asking WHY. why is what moves science along. There is an answer to our question, but WE ourselves don't have the tools to answer it. If this were only happening on thoidy thoid avenue in Brooklyn, well maybe it was because someone ate rice krispies on Tuesday, but as a world-wide phenomenon, it has to have a more universal reason. We are frustrated that we can't come up with an answer but science will one day when it becomes important enough for society. For the fetishist, there are likely local answers, and that can be answered if that person is honest to themselves. For the masses who "just have the urge" to wear women's clothing, I'm betting it is biology and genetics. It can't be mass hallucinations, or mushrooms or ufos. The best answer right now to give to those who ask the question is: we don't know as of this moment" why we do this. For young children who feel they are the wrong gender, it will likely be proven to be genetic, our personal building blocks that make us unique even though genetically we are 96% the same as everyone else.
As for the Buddha, loving oneself should apply equally to all .

[jayme357]

Brilliant Karen!

[Marcelle]

Hi everyone,

WOW . . . let a thread ruminate for awhile and you get such a great outpouring of comments . . . much thanks.

I was hoping that this thread would help those who are at a crossroads by providing a bit of insight into accepting yourself. While I agree that answering the "why" is important in the early stages of growth (we all do it and it is not just for CDing but life in general) acceptance of oneself is the surest way forward though.

Once again thanks very much to all who have shared and provided excellent responses, comments and guidance. :)

Hugs

Isha

[Sophie Yang]

Isha,

Perhaps when we are involved directly, it is too hard to separate the tree from the forest. Check out the book Start With Why by Simon Sinek.

[Zylia]

Busker's post nailed it for me. I don't think that having peace of mind and still asking the "why" question are mutually exclusive. There are many things we don't know and there are things we know we don't know. While we worry about covering our bodies with certain pieces of fabric, other people worry about what the 95% of the universe we cannot identify can be made of. I accept that we probably won't find all "the answers" in my lifetime, but that doesn't mean I should stop asking questions.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Isha, It's the same answer that I give people when they ask me why do I set by
the Railroad tracks all day with a camera and a radio scanner watching trains.

I just tell them,

" If I have to explain it to you, You probably wouldn't understand it anyway " .

[Mistyjo]

I stopped asking myself Why a long time ago and i started living again . When i first told my wife about my crossdressing she ask me the why question and at that time i did not know the answer as time went on she ask me again and i told her it was a part of me that words just can't express i was'nt trying to hide any thing from her its just apart of who i am

[Bria]

Isha, I'm remined of the prayer that asks for the strength to change what I can change and to accept what I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. When we admit that we can't change this part of us and accept it we can move on in our life to have a positive effect on those things that are within our ability to change.

I do agree that at a point in the future when many of the why questions of human behavior are answered, we might not like how some people would use that knowledge to change our behavior aginst our will. Be careful what you wish for!!

Hugs, Bria

[Sometimes Steffi]

Why? Why not?

Would you rather drink alone, or with friends?

Would you rather dress alone, or with friends?

Would you rather shop alone, or with friends.

Here are my reasons:

1. Validation
2. Showing off my style
3. Meeting people like me on an equal footing

As an example of the last point, if I'm meeting someone new FtF, I will only dress en femme if he will also. If things go south, I don't want to fight him off while wearing heels.

I have a good friend who is a CD. When we meet both in girl mode, we hug. Once we were both in boy mode as I was leaving, and we went to hug, as usual. But, it just didn't feel right in boy mode.

[mykell]

The simple truth for me was just as Buddha himself has said, until I could accept and love myself, I really wasn't giving my family everything I have to offer and be for them. I'm a better person, husband, father, now because of it..


Why? I am who I am. I used to think that I was 'different', in a not so good way, but today I embrace it, I realize that it makes me special!

have found these feelings to be true for me,

but as one mentioned we ask this question about things from an early time-frame of our existence,
this has had me ask myself this, what if i dont like the answer,
so it could make it easier to know why, or it could make it worse, and i dont like that prospect,
easier to embrace it as i have recently done....

Why? Why not?

Would you rather drink alone, or with friends?

Would you rather dress alone, or with friends?

Would you rather shop alone, or with friends.

just hope someday doing these activities will be more socially accepted !!!!

[Tina B.]

When I was a young man, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I do what I do. After years of thinking on it, worrying over it, and considering all the possibility's of why I might be like this. I never did come up with anything that helped me deal with it.
So I stopped wondering why, and haven't asked myself that in years, but what I did is give up asking why, and give up feeling guilty, give up being ashamed of myself, and start dressing when ever I wanted, staying dressed for as long as I can at a time, and just enjoy the time I can.
Now my whys are more like, why can't I get my hair right, why does this not fit better, and things like that.
I figure even if I knew the why, I would still have to deal with the need, that wouldn't change, so why is the shy so important anyway?