Real Time Dispatch

[LeaP]

My God ... There are so many times that I feel GD is at a low level these days. But then I hit something like today and it makes me wonder.

I'm in a three day offsite with management - VP and above, nationwide, and I'm hitting my limit. I've already escaped to the restrooms several times. I feel like I need to run ... Thought I was past that. All I can think of is how I am not like these guys and my thoughts run to transition.

Painful. Plus I'm drinking too much.

[Angela Campbell]

Is it the pressure of the situation? Seems like it happened before during an "event" that mixes professional with social.

[Jorja]

Keep drinking and pretty soon you won't have to run much. You will say to he!! with it and just show up as Lea and get it over with.

[GabbiSophia]

Lea I feel for you and understand..High anxiety times just make my gd go through the roof. This is a lesson I just learned. I hope you get a break from it soon.

[Vanessa Rose]

Lea


maybe I missed something. if I did, please let me know.


the reason you want to run from them, is because they are completely not like you? What happened ... I find that exact team to be in most saddening. They have not face, no personality, a bunch of talking parrots that say too much but mean nothing and agree with things so outrageous your face melts and your heart races...it is intolerable. I have a few stories that would cause your head to twirl under your foot. of all my many years, senior/executive management.. I find myself, wanting to cling on to personality, individuality, purpose, passion and to move past all the worthless jabber to facts, and actions that can advance the company.


Please give us more facts. Maybe I can offer additional insight. If not, remember, some days, you get into those moods where simple idocy and fake laughter become so intolerable, that I did exactly what you did. you are not alone...


Vanessa

[LeaP]

It did happen recently, Angela. And I bailed. I think your observation of the mix of professional and social is very astute.

Jorga, you have no idea (or maybe you do) how much I need to be careful when drinking. There are times when I just want to blurt things out.

[Jorja]

Jorga, you have no idea (or maybe you do) how much I need to be careful when drinking. There are times when I just want to blurt things out.

Been there, done that, lost the job because of it but I really didn't care. I was me and that is all that mattered.

[Starling]

Lea, please don't do anything irrevocable while you're under the influence. Wait until you wake with a hangover before you make any big decisions. Meanwhile, it might help to imagine that everyone at the offsite is drinking too much for the same reason you are. Or if you can't buy that, there's always the old standby--to imagine them all naked. Good luck.

:) Lallie

[LeaP]

Lallie, that completely cracked me up!

I'm out of there. I actually did a little better than at the last event. I stayed longer and engaged more. But my thoughts were elsewhere all evening.

[Angela Campbell]

there's always the old standby--to imagine them all naked. Good luck.

:) Lallie


Oh God! Not with the ones I work with......ewwwwww

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I had multiple panicky moments when I felt trapped in my business life.

One time I was invited to a boondoggle at firestone country club... I had to bunk in the locker room at the course with 3 "other guys" and spend 2 days golfing 54 holes at this very prestigious club...I felt drained and incredibly anxious the whole time... poker and cigars...camaraderie.....I was way past that at this point in my GD and transition timetable...

These feelings we had are par for the course...get it?

[LeaP]

Day 2 of the offsite. I'm already feeling very negative and reactive - not good. I also drove home last night after the team dinner having had a bit too much - also not good.

Thank god there aren't any silly team building events and contests. So far.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lea you can do it!!! Just "get through it"...

I remember that in 2007 (I transitioned in 2008), there was a huge event in Arizona for our companies management conference and I was heavily involved... one of the speakers was OPRAH!!! LOL...

apart from talking about herself for 45 minutes and how great she was, she made a big point that her success was simply about "being myself, being who I am"...ARRRGHHHH.... sitting through that was torture!!! be myself??!?!?! give me a fricking break I thought to myself......

I got through...(altho I did have to leave some of the presentations to stop my mind from racing)....

I thought of that conference as a battle in what was a longer war... I didn't have these battles every day...

the key point to remember now is that you are going to want to transition well...try to think of it as part of your early groundwork ... being at your best for everyone is expected in business and if transition is in the cards, you don't want anybody saying "yeah, he's been acting weird" ...you want folks to be singing your praises through and through.... easier said than done I know!!

[LeaP]

Tough love, Kaitlyn! You are right, of course. These notes are going to be part of my decompression management today. I did jump into an open discussion in the last session on a topic on which I have some energy ... so that was good (I think).

This is one of those meetings where the tone runs to a LOT of motivational and high-level messages. What's preventing you from moving forward? What's the biggest fear in the organization. Step up, be a leader ... Blah, blah, blah. You know the drill. And then the CIO gets up and starts knocking down concerns instead of listening.

And all I want to do is escape as I sit there fighting work focus against analyzing every detail of every woman in the room.

This is SO 2 years ago.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Heh...you wish it was two years ago..

This is what it is.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Lea
Maybe it's time to call your firms' HR, and request a meeting when you're back in your home office.
This isn't the time or place to melt down, or decide to out yourself to your firms management team, particularly after having a couple of drinks. You seem to be either in management, or being groomed for a management slot - don't kill off what you worked for so far.
I think everyone on this board has been exactly where you are now - it's time to put on your big girl panties, and figure where you can be next year if you don't mess up today.

[LeaP]

I am in senior management and have been for decades, including at the C-level. I was informed recently that I'm in the succession plans as the identified leader for a number of departments. This type of meeting is one with which I'm well familiar. I've run plenty of them, in fact. The difficulty is the re-emergence of gender issues threatening to significantly disrupt my focus and effectiveness. This after a long lull. I'm in reasonable control of this day-to-day. A multi-site offsite, however, requires sustained focus, whereas I'm able to do any number of things in a routine day to avoid the stress buildup.

My divisional HR rep is sitting across the table from me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Right Lea. The key is to not let any of this threaten the perception of you as an effective leader.

[stefan37]

The dysfunction and angst comes as you know from being in a role you are uncomfortable in. (Has nothing to do with your skillset or abilities). So what are you going to do about it? You are in consideration of a promotion. Won't managing multiple divisions in a gender role you are uncomfortable in result in greater angst? You have some serious decisions to make regarding your timeframe. Until you do I can't see how you would be able to function in a productive manner.

Would you rather deal with the constant angst and manage as a male? Or would you rather be at peace and manage in the gender you know you should be?

Only you can know that answer and the time frame. But time is running out and the meltdown is coming at you like a freight train.

[LeaP]

I do know and you're right about the timeline. Without getting into detail, however, I am feeling considerable pressure from a couple of things that need to happen in order to get the train *really* moving. This is a risk point, and I'm already taking steps to force the issue. Sorry if that's vague, but it reduces to my planning hands being somewhat tied for several months at a minimum.

On a brighter note, I presented this afternoon - global technology focus vs innovation given our current platform bets, and the barriers to reuse in design. Knocked it out of the park.

[Jonianne]

Lea, for me, that pre-transition stress, dissapated more and more after I became serious with my "timeline", even though it wasn't nailed down exactly to the date. When the time came and I gave my "official" notice and I did nail it down, the stress picked up a little just before the date, but it was a different stress. After about a month fulltime, others and myself saw that the world didn't end and my biggest concern was just doing my job. I'm not in management, but a friend of mine who is in management in her company, transitioned about the same time as I, and she seems to be doing just fine as well. I believe you can do it and will be just fine as you carefully prepare your ground work.

[LeaP]

Darned if the company event didn't go just fine tonight. I'm confused. I mean, I was fine…

And in one odd moment, for the first time since getting my years pierced, I got asked about them. A woman said "I hope you don't think this is an inappropriate question, but you don't look like the kind of guy that would have pierced ears." I said why is that? Her answer was "you look like a Harvard professor." The woman across the table responded "oh, I think he looks like a rock star or something!" The third chimed in that "you have a nice look." So I really don't know what I look like, given those comments, but I have clearly moved the ball… Somewhere…

It has been a strange day.

[Angela Campbell]

That is a time I would simply have responded with...."you would be surprised" and smile.

Remember, you know something they don't.

[Kathryn Martin]

How about you look like a nice looking Harvard professor playing in a well known rock band? I can identify with all three of the comments. They don't seem to be exclusive of each other. And - stop drinking so much.:-)

[LeaP]

Last day today. Last night went well. I stayed for about an hour and a half. It was a cocktail party at the CIOs house. One beer and one beer only! Today is a half-day, then back to the office. I feel better going in this morning than I did yesterday.

Perhaps one reason things were going better by the end of the day was that the group had loosened up somewhat. That took the pressure off of being on. I really freeze up around people I do not know well. That, combined with the sustained pressure is not a great scenario for me.

Stats and observations: 12 women out of approximately 60 people in attendance. None on the senior leadership team. Only a couple whom I would regard as having significant responsibilities and exposure.

[stefan37]

That is excellent news you are functioning at a higher level without distress. When I was asked about my piercings and why one in each ear, I responded one would make me unbalanced and I would have to walk around with my head tilted. But rarely was I asked, questions usually were focused on my colored nails.

Anyway your schedule is yours and personal and should be followed at your own pace in your own time.

As for your observations, guess you'll be the first woman on the senior leadership team. :)

Let me echo Kathryn, easy on the alcohol!

[Starling]

I'm sure I'm looking at it all wrong, which is why it's best I'm not in corporate management. You see, to me I have two "bank accounts," one for my male persona and the other for my true self. I have spent too many decades depositing life experiences, relationships and accomplishments in the male account, while allowing my female account to starve. I have done pretty well as a male in a difficult profession, but very little in my present life would transfer to me as a woman; so now, as desperation is setting in, and it seems that I may never be able to live as my true self, I fiercely resent every little deposit I must make to the macho kitty.

I'm terribly impressed by the fortitude and skill of the other women participating in this thread.

:) Lallie

[LeaP]

I don't have fortitude. I'm making this up as I'm going along! In one of today's sessions, for example, I felt like I took a huge risk in objecting to the premises of a presenter on the senior management team. Basically, I was saying his entire analysis was ill-conceived and his objectives impossible. I then argued for a radically different approach.

My fear was that I was coming across as negative and argumentative. But I said screw it and decided to take some action on the topic on my own. When I got back to the office, I met with our chief architect and I started laying out the approach to an instrumentation and monitoring platform applicable to a wide variety of the issues discussed over the last couple days. I knew I would get his buy in. I wasn't so sure about my own manager. So I bypassed him. (Forgiveness instead of permission) I have already kicked off the initiative with my own resources.

Lo and behold if the guy I thought I had completely and publicly undermined didn't stop me in the hallway to tell me how excited he was about what I was doing! He said he loves the way I come at problems, and is excited to be working with me. Damn!

Imagine how much better it would've been in a blouse… (Forgive the slightly facetious way of putting that) The entire scenario of the last few days – typically an engagement disaster for me – has turned out pretty well. I was partially creating my own problems out of anticipation. My current state of mind under HRT helped a lot. But it took going through the experience.

[Starling]

Congratulations, Lea! I bet seeing that risk you took really pay off will give you a terrific boost in confidence going on. Smarts and guts.

:) Lallie

[stefan37]

This entire process of transition is an endless journey of stepping outside our comfort zone, only to push against the bubble until it bursts and we again are outside our comfort zone. It is great you disagreed with the presenter and presented your view and it was well received. It is a great feeling that not only will boost your self-confidence but also help to develop the fortitude needed to continue.

I don't know your manager but stepping over one's superior can lead to repercussions if they are the petty type of individual. Been a long time since I played in the corporate environment so I may be a bit out of touch with corporate politics.

Good for you Lea

[LeaP]

The deal with most of these meetings is the leader ALWAYS says they want honesty and openness. The rule of thumb, of course, is the LAST thing you want to do in such a situation is be open and honest. But I just don't care much anymore. Of course I still have to say something worthwhile ...

From a topical POV, it's mostly about not being comfortable being myself openly. HRT helps with that, but only goes so far.

[Kathryn Martin]

Can you describe the nature of your discomfort? What about being you makes you uncomfortable?

[StephanieC]

Lea, it sounds like you have this ying and yang thing going. I can't identify specifically with your situation. But over the last few years, I have begun to realize the amount of time and effort I have spent in my career and how many times it was for naught. I've actually made a decision my job is not priority 1. However, I have realized that I have skills and abilities that others do not, am viewed by most in the company as a leader, and have more fun in my job. I am clearly less competitive. And, with the retirement of management and organization changes last year, I'm no longer a C-level. Maybe it's due to my appearance. But I've decided if I need to get out of the ring in order to be more myself, that's what I'm doing. I need to know what I want to have after my work life is over. I may not be able to have it all.

I wish you the best.

-stephani