In some ways, I still beleive that there is something "wrong" with me

[Taylor Ray]

I'm not sure if it is the culture we live in, but I still wake up with a nagging feeling that the fact that I wear woman's clothing is indicative of the fact that there is something "wrong" with me.

No matter how deep we choose to analyze the situation, with the current studies and the DSM and the "evolving categories"...

there still seems to be a cloud over me. Yes, I wear women's clothing. Why is it still so taboo, both by the public and ultimately by myself?

[Shadeauxmarie]

There is nothing wrong with you. I believe the reason why many cross-dressers don't fess up to their spouses is because they think there is something wrong with them. I know I did. Purges are often the result of guilt overcoming the euphoria of wearing the clothes in the first place. Just my opinion.

[Mistyjo]

That can be a very intricate question to answer because it is extremely complex.

Essentially, we live in a society with very rigidly defined gender norms and although it is not ideal, our society is also built up on masculine being seen as superior and ideal. While our society tends to look at any form of gender transgression as taboo, it is even more so when a male does it because to many he is perceived as not wanting to "be a man" and weak. Even more disturbing is how a man dressing in a noticeably feminine way is perceived as gay. While there certainly are gay men who crossdress or are big time gender non-conformists, the overwhelming majority of them are very gender conforming. Also, far more straight guys like to crossdress or have some other way of expressing a noticeable level of femininity, but they more often than not keep that part well out of sight.

Ultimately, two things have to happen for crossdressing not to be considered taboo. First, it must be seen as a completely separate issue from sexual orientation (which it is). Unfortunately, far to many straight guys who transgress gender norms will never come forward about this. It's unfortunate since they have a lot more power than they realize. Second and most important, society must start valuing femininity as much as masculinity.

[Caden Lane]

There is nothing wrong with you. The error is in society. The psychology of "us" is indicative that gender is not fully anatomical. So why should gender be defined by clothing if our anatomical so gender cannot even accurately portray who we are? The fault lay firmly on the shoulders of society for adhering to what we know to be an antiquated system, even a confusing system for those of us who are gender dysphoric, or multiple gendered, or gender ambiguous. No, society clings to its gender paradigms, clinging on for dear life, afraid of what blurred gender lines might mean for them.

[Lynn Marie]

As a young adult I was unsure of and questioned everything. I'm older now, much more confident, and I don't spend any time questioning myself. Now I'm much more interested in others. I already know about me!

[AmyGaleRT]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, Taylor. I know there's nothing wrong with me; I know both who and what I am, and I'm at peace with it, and I'm continuing towards my goal of being able to function well in the world as either a man or a woman.

- Amy

[Taylor Ray]

That can be a very intricate question to answer because it is extremely complex.

Essentially, we live in a society with very rigidly defined gender norms and although it is not ideal, our society is also built up on masculine being seen as superior and ideal. While our society tends to look at any form of gender transgression as taboo, it is even more so when a male does it because to many he is perceived as not wanting to "be a man" and weak. Even more disturbing is how a man dressing in a noticeably feminine way is perceived as gay. While there certainly are gay men who crossdress or are big time gender non-conformists, the overwhelming majority of them are very gender conforming. Also, far more straight guys like to crossdress or have some other way of expressing a noticeable level of femininity, but they more often than not keep that part well out of sight.

Ultimately, two things have to happen for crossdressing not to be considered taboo. First, it must be seen as a completely separate issue from sexual orientation (which it is). Unfortunately, far to many straight guys who transgress gender norms will never come forward about this. It's unfortunate since they have a lot more power than they realize. Second and most important, society must start valuing femininity as much as masculinity.

You bring up some very meaningful ideas, Mistyjo. Even though I am very confidant in my own little world, there is still that part of me that wants to express myself fully in my community. For the past few years most of my neighbors and acquaintances have come up to me at some time or another and asked me if I was gay. Part of me envies my gay friends for being able to make such a clear cut answer. I'm not sure what my answer is. I just recently told a female neighbor of mine that I was "bi" in response to her probing. She said she thought I was gay and wanted to hook me up with one of her friends.

I can't imagine telling her that I am a bisexual crossdresser. OMG too many negative stereotypes!

[Zimri]

The answer, as is so well articulated by some of these answers, seems to be our collective, small minded social conditioning with regard to gender. Don't be afraid to swim against the current! Most anyone who's ever contributed much that's worthwhile to our world has done the same.

[Anna H]

Hi Taylor,

I have the same question sometimes. And it doesn't make any sense
for me. I've always been OK with what I do. Never purged. My wife's
as fine as one can be possibly with it. I don't go out, so i haven't
been attacked/accused/ridiculed. I don't even have any guilt
problems with myself....no reason to.

So it doesn't make any sense for me to wonder. But I still have
those times where I just wonder what the heck I'm doing.

I cannot put it together in any sort of way that could ever
make any logical sense. It's as contradictive of a thing as I
can imagine.

But then again, there can't be anything wrong with me. I'm as
harmless and well intentioned as someone could get...(i think)

I'm inclined to think it has something to do with genetics...
(which i read some interesting stuff on another post just today)

I'm purely logical with most things. Things that make sense.
True or false, binary type Q&A's...but what i do makes no sense
at all.

There is an answer though. Medically/phychologically resolved
or not...it cannot be my fault. I didn't choose it...heck, nobody
would i wouldn't think....so it's here, and I'll live with it and
be happy about it.

And...truth be told, I think it may be lucky to be this way.
It's so easy to be happy, for at least a while, in a pretty
serious and tough world. It does make me verifiability Very
Happy so I'm taking that as a Good thing.

Crazy world ain't it! :happy:

~Kate~ ♥

[FairyLink]

I can't tell you why any of us get these feelings, however I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with you for wearing women's clothing.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Taylor.

There is nothing wrong with you. Not. One. Thing.

You are a male with a gender variance. You have a feminine side you express. It causes you to -- wait for it -- wear women's clothing sometimes. This causes no problems in the real world whatsoever - EXCEPT that some people freak out about it.

You aren't hurting anyone. You aren't hurting anything. But other people freak out as if you are.

The problem is clearly with them. It's very hard to believe that most of the people in the world around you are simply wrong. But it's the case. Or maybe it isn't so hard to believe. Look at how people treat each other, and then tell me it's impossible that many people could be cruel to you for absolutely no reason.

[Rachelakld]

I'm going to side with Taylor, I feel there is something "wrong" with me - but I seem to be having more fun than anyone who is normal, so I prefer it this way.

A lot of teens at my kids school have clinical depression, personally I would rather they wore womens clothes and not have the depression, if that was a choice.

[Zylia]

There's something "wrong" with you the minute it starts to become a problem for you. We can assume that a large majority of men do not have the urge to [-]wear women's clothing[/-] present as a woman occasionally and that makes us a little different, but it's pretty harmless on itself. However, the status quo is still based on the existence of a (clear) gender binary and whether or not you're a 'real' gender variant, your behaviour is perceived as something that goes against it.

[Katey888]

There's nothing wrong with you Taylor... no more than any 'normal' male anyway. As others have said, it's perceived as 'wrong' largely because of our culture (other cultures, eg. India and the far East, don't have exactly the same stigma attached); partly also because we're perceived as rebels (difference to Mr Average between crossdresser and punk with a 12" purple Mohican? Very little, I suggest...) and probably one other taboo reason...

This is where Wildaboutheels (currently banned :)) would chime in - correctly, I think - "It's all about 'O's...!"
While we may not like to talk about it too much, CDing at least starts as a bit of a turn on for most of us and while it may progress to something that actually is more about contentment, feeling comfortable, and satisfying a feminine expression, who would happily say: 'Yeah - I think womens clothing feels so great I can hardly contain myself for 10 minutes before...' (OK - I know there are those amongst us who would admit that here - but it's not likely to be the thing you use to try to give our passion any air of any respectability in public, is it? :))

Dig deep Taylor - I have these feelings too, and wish it wasn't so, but it is what it is, and like my impacted wisdom teeth and my now greying hair, I just have to live with it and enjoy it if I can. :cheer:

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

I feel that I am just different and I have learned to live with that.

[Kate Simmons]

We are all exactly who we are supposed to be. How we manage that is the challenge and a lovely challenge it can be sometimes.:battingeyelashes::)

[kimdl93]

Why is there a social taboo? ...well, you could extend that particular question to many other innocuous human behaviors. Sometimes ideas infect the social consciousness like a pathogen. Westwrn cultures developed a number of them, such as demeaning women and justifying slavery. For some reason humans will cling to clearly mistaken beliefs, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

As for your personal feelings, of course you have absorbed and internalized messages from the larger society. At some point you must challenge your own beliefs in this matter. These inner beliefs you've accepted about CDing are wrong. Tear them down and believe in your own goodness.

[Tina B.]

Taylor, you feel something is wrong with you because society has told you, you are practicing something weird that we don't understand, and we think that's bad.
We have always allowed people that do not understand what goes on inside of one of us to define what is wrong about what we do.
But I know with out a doubt, I'm a better person because I wear women's clothes.
Dressing makes me happier, calmer, friendlier, than most people I know, not dressing makes me surly, resentful, argumentative, depressed, and all around sad.
How could not dressing be good for me, and how could dressing be bad, when it does all of that.
Don't let the world define you, you have to figure out if it's bad or good for you, I guess that depends on what you get out of it.

[Tracii G]

Another case of over thinking yourself and what you like to do.
Some can drive themselves crazy trying to figure it all out.I suggest embrace your female side have fun with it enjoy life in whichever mode you want to dress.
"Free your mind and your ass will follow".

[Karren H]

I used to feel the same way.... then they discovered a couple brain tumors.... now I know there is something wrong with me... Its truly life changing....... and it over shadows anything I wear...

I do not base "wrong" on other people beliefs....

[steeve]

Taylor there's nothing wrong with you at all , the social indoctrination and control puts the thought that if anyone does anything out of the perceived norm then they are not ' normal' , find yourself accept it from within .

[MsVal]

I'll draw the straw for the dissenting opinion.

Of course I feel something is wrong, and I have a good reason to feel that way:

My childhood heros and role models (and those of many others on this forum) were "Real Men". Real men were rugged as cowboys, herioc as soldiers, and smart as detectives. Their features were rough and weathered from years of hard living. Their voices were deep. They were suave and sophisticated, dressed in tuxedos, romancing pretty women in beautiful gowns that covered their flawless, smooth, sweet smelling skin. They were "Real Women", and everything the Real Man was not.

Most (all) men never met the criteria to be a "Real Man" but settled for manly enough.

Except for the few that would rather be wearing the beautiful gown over tender smooth skin, speaking softly, and smelling sweet.

[Lorileah]

It is easier to instill ideas than it is to delete them. You have "learned" how you feel. You have to un-learn it which takes a lot of time and effort. When the feeling hits that you are somehow "wrong" just tell yourself you are who you are and that you aren't harming anyone and the world will continue to turn no matter how you act.

[Cheryl T]

Give up the guilt and accept yourself for being special. You have qualities that transcend a single identity and this is how you choose to express them. There is nothing "abnormal" about being who you are.
Don't let societies hangups affect you. As someone told me long ago..."Pressure is self-induced, no one can place it on you". Stop pressuring yourself to be something other than who you are and be happy you are unique.

[Caden Lane]

MsVal, I would submit that the "real men" paradigm is false, based on false bravado and ideals, and is based solely on a set of ideals that society deemed "the norm" long ago.I wonder how a male child, brought up in a controlled environment, with no set of female or male role models meeting the paradigms as we know them...I wonder how that child would fare. With no overly macho or masculine overtones, or female ones for that matter, what would that child become? I postulate that child would be just as bland as their surroundings. Any ideal we have of masculinity is forced upon us from a young age, regardless of our feelings or how we might identify. Like any brainwashing, if there is a conflict with what the person already knows or feels, a schism occur.

[Annaliese2010]

I'm not sure if it is the culture we live in, but I still wake up with a nagging feeling that that...there is something "wrong" with me...a cloud over me. Yes, I wear women's clothing. Why is it still so taboo, both by the public and ultimately by myself?I think you answered your own question. When the vast majority of people in a community think it's wrong you're bound to feel pressure, worry and wonder if they're maybe right. It's difficult when you have to suppress your nature to conform. You can never fully relax. But in point of fact there is nothing wrong with you. Cultural rights and wrongs are relative not absolute. And there's tons of examples where cultural norms do a complete 180.

It's obvious you're a sensitive caring girl Taylor. That's nice but try not to let what others think get to you too much. Only you know what's right or wrong for you. Be true to your inner self - how God made you. It may not be possible to publicly express it, but at least acknowledge who you are to yourself and embrace it as good. Doing so may dissipate that dark cloud or at least let a ray of light shine in.

[Peta-Downunder]

It doesn't help when loved ones actually tell you too your face, that can be hard to get over. But then as time goes by you sometimes learn those people have a twisted view on reality anyway.

[traci_k]

I can understand how you feel. The fact is we are different. Different DOES NOT EQUAL wrong. People like to throw the Bible at us and say its wrong because the Bible says so, but gender variance is now recognized for what it is – a difference. I don’t know if you identify as a CD or TG looking to transition. Either position is just a gradient on the gender spectrum.
Bottom line, it hurts no one unless they let it hurt them. So Enjoy being yourself. It’s okay to be different.

Hugs,

[Nadine Spirit]

One time early on when I was dressed as a girl from head to toe I caught my reflection in the mirror and in the back of my head I heard a small voice scream out "freak." I almost stopped and cried when I realized that I was my own worst enemy. From that point on I decided to never be concerned with what others thought of me, because all I really need to do is to be okay with myself and I had lots of work to do in that department. I have grown quite a bit since that day and I see myself and others far differently now.

[Kaz]

Being who we are is a gift and what defines us. Sadly we also are a societal animal and live in groups where norms and conditions abound. It is primeval in nature and is an in-built mechanism to protect the group. It the basis of warfare and religious and racial intolerance. In many ways, the groups that we do not belong/conform to confirm our beliefs in being with the group we choose to be. We are a result of social conditioning and sadly, the more you accept your CD life, the more you will join a new group with associated norms and beliefs. The challenge is to rise above the silliness and accept that you are who you are are... some 'groups' will accept... most will not. That I am afraid is life.

There is nothing wrong with you per se, what is wrong is our conditioning and the way that society condones, emphasises and exploits that conditioning.

xx

[kelly10]

As Kim so succinctly said, '...of course you have absorbed and internalized messages from the larger society. At some point you must challenge your own beliefs in this matter. These inner beliefs you've accepted about CDing are wrong. Tear them down and believe in your own goodness.'

We each must choose between ourselves and the rest of the world. The dilemma isn't the choosing of one or the other. The dilemma is the impossible task of trying to choose both.

[Vanessa Rose]

Taylor,


You are different. We all are different. We meet here to give one another support, lend advice, listen to stories and learn. But this is a crossdressers site and by definition, each person posting here is different. I can assure you we are significantly different in our means to pass time than the average person, perhaps who has not thought about wearing women's clothes once in their life. No matter how many people there on this site, there is likely to be millions who don't seek a lifestyle in gender discussions for the purpose of this site.


It is good in my opinion, that you seek answers. It is what helps you work towards reaching some sort of peace with yourself, hopefully and over time actions that complete you and your life that you will lead.


Everyday, I look at life a bit differently. I learn something, get taught a lesson and or put information together to help me comprehend things that I could not before.


I believe, this cloud as you say, is part of that process. But answer me this... are you feeling better at all about you than a year ago? 5 years ago? 10?


Maybe, maybe not, however, I would think that if you have challenges that you just can't get over, perhaps therapy would work. I think the first huge step for me as a person, was when I just blurted it out in a counseling session. Granted the therapist took a second or two to pick up their jaw and regain a grip on their pen, but that one moment, when I told someone about the hidden secret inside of me.. gave my CD personality a life, validation, existence.


that made all the difference in the world. It was the first time I stuck up for me!


Good luck, let us know how things progress.


Vanny

[Stephanie47]

As Lynn Marie indicated so many of us in our youth questioned ourselves because we were engaging in some activity that is so far outside the cultural norm. Society establishes the norms. Society establishes the penalties for stepping outside the boundaries. There is always great pressure to be part of the "group." I don't think there is one participant on the forum who does not believe that a man wearing the clothing of a woman is outside societal norms. In my youth there was no Internet and there were no books readily available at the public library on cross dressing. Heck, the "Kinsey report" was kept behind the librarian's desk. How were we to discover who or what we were? I questioned my sexuality for a long time. In the 1960's to wear a dress clearly meant you had to be a homosexual, although the term of the day was a little more demeaning. It brought conflict between the urges of a full blooded raging hormones young guy and the desire to wear a dress. Of course I had to be weird. I still think it is weird, although I fully accept it. And, yep, life would have been a lot less stressful if I was not a cross dresser. I no longer feel any conflict in wearing a dress and being manly when it counts.

One of my lingering questions in my mind is the progression from wearing a nylon slip to fully en femme. What caused that? Sometimes I wonder if at that early age of denial and feeling of weirdness of wearing a dress that I had to visually become someone other than my boy self. I will not say a guy wearing a dress looks weird, but .... So, if I put on a dress but still see my male self will adding makeup and a wig change the visual image in the mirror to someone or something less weird? So, if I "play" the role of a girl I am "still" the guy and not a girl "inside" forced to play the role of a guy? Too much to think about!

[Stephanie Julianna]

Sometimes I'm glad I got older. I thought just like you and it tore me up for years. I can't make people around me not think that there is something "wrong" either. however, as I got older I realized that it was more important what I thought and felt about myself. If I could not accept myself how could I expect anyone else to accept me. I still only tell people who I can predict with some certainty are open minded enough to love me for who I am as opposed to what I am. I dress when I can. Love who I am and that's enough for me.

[Adriana Moretti]

the only thing wrong is you "THINK" something is wrong. LOL !!!.....there is no wrong...only whats right for you. No matter what anyone else may do or say.

[Jennifer S]

I ask my therapist the same question every week and she tells me the same thing every time: There's nothing wrong with you. We are who we are. If you want to dress a certain way because it makes you happy then do that. You have to do whatever you can to be comfortable in your own skin. As for society... people might comment or tell you it's wrong but those are the kind of people who if you weren't wearing a dress would find something else wrong with you to comment on. We need to live our lives for ourselves and forget about the haters.

[bimini1]

For me I have to accept not only me. But accept the world as it is. Not as I want it to be. And there is not a dammed thing I can do to change it or the people in it. I have to let them alone and let them be. You're not gonna change any mass attitudes about this. You're just not its beyond your control. But I've found it is possible to control your attitude about you. It's been a struggle for me but I feel to be finally making some headway.

[Taylor Ray]

t's obvious you're a sensitive caring girl Taylor. That's nice but try not to let what others think get to you too much. Only you know what's right or wrong for you. Be true to your inner self - how God made you. It may not be possible to publicly express it, but at least acknowledge who you are to yourself and embrace it as good. Doing so may dissipate that dark cloud or at least let a ray of light shine in.

Thanks, Annaliese. What you say is really pertinent to my situation. At some point we all might have let go of what others think, and just be ourselves. This sounds true to me and I thank you for sharing it..