How did you accept yourself

[Milou]

Just a quick post, have to go in a minute.

I started with crossdressing at the age of 13 and when I was caught I completely stopped for around 7 years. I still try to resist the urges, but I'm afraid (and from what I read) I can't fight against it anymore and only causes anxiety, guilt and self-hate.

I still can't really accept myself for it (even though my life is relatively okay). I'm afraid of my future, what my girlfriend will think about it and whether I really want to become a girl. I then tend to overthink and I'm in full panic mode. I also have a real poor sense of self-identity, whatever that means.

So, as an inexperienced crossdresser. How did you accept yourself and dealt with your crossdressing issues (if you even had them)?

[Katey888]

Hi Milou and welcome,
You're obviously still relatively young, and I would liken CD in my younger days to something like a mild addiction - not a serious one that will really cause permanent damage, but something that just demands further experimentation. Some things in life are tough to struggle with, but you have to try to grasp that you are doing nothing wrong, criminal, or perverse - and learn to accept yourself for who you are... I think we all go through periods like that for all sorts of reasons - and unless your thoughts of wanting to become a girl are long-lived and overwhelming, you are probably just thinking what we've all thought at times. If they continue, then you should consider seeing a professional counsellor to talk through what you're feeling.

I'm sure we all have issues at some stage - I've got to the stage where I recognise that this isn't a bad thing about me, it's something I do, and if I can do that and continue to be a good person in life, I'll keep doing it. There are far worse things I could do... :)

First of all, Keep Calm - you'll get more advice on here, think about that and potentially find someone professional or safe to talk to.

Katey x :hugs:

[Marcelle]

Hi Milou,

"Self-acceptance" a very tricky and illusive concept for us. I am relatively new to this thing we do but I can tell you that self acceptance drives your sense or worth and finally your self confidence. I do have a question for you. Do you accept yourself as a boy? If the answer is yes, then those things you accept yourself as while "en boy" are the same things you can accept when "en girl". You are no different sweetie, the exterior shell (dressed as a girl) is just clothes and make-up, they do not define who you are in your soul. :) The difficulty with self-acceptance is that we are told from birth "boys" wear boxers and "girls" wear panties. In essence, dressing is going against what we were brought up to believe and it will cause guilt and confusion (taboo behavior). I mean, why would I want to dress up as a woman and walk around in public? For the same reason I would dress like a boy and walk around in public ... it is who I am.

I am not sure where you are at in your CDing (closeted, in public) but I do know that if you plan to go out someday, self-acceptance is a necessity to your confidence. It can be scary out there and if you are happy with who you are, you will own the moment when you go out (confidence). Don't get me wrong you may still get stares and the odd rude comment but in the end it won't matter to you because you are happy with who you are. The other truth I know is that if you try to supress this thing we do, ignore it and push it down. It will cause emotional harm in the end.

Unfortunately sweetie there is no magic formula for self-acceptance as that must derive from you. In my own experience I simply looked at who I am "not me as a girl or boy" but me. I am the same person regardless of what I am wearing and I like me. Once I transcended the "wearing women's clothing" the rest was about me being me whether I was boy or girl. If the world did not like it . . . that is their baggage not mine. :battingeyelashes: I will leave you with a quote from Buddha I used in an earlier post of mine which resonates here:

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.

Hugs

Isha

[KristyE]

Milou, There's nothing wrong or bad with you or what your doing. Don't over think things and drive yourself crazy. Find someone to talk to it will help as will reading many of the posts here. Katey got it spot on, calm your heart and move forward slowly, we're here for you.
Love KristyE

[Kate Simmons]

The best way is to really get to know yourself and your feelings. Then you will eventually have an idea on how to manage things.:)

[Aprilrain]

I reached acceptance through denial. I denied until I could deny no more. I wouldn't recommend this approach Its painful, expensive and led me to the brink of suicide. I wish I would have transitioned much earlier in life but hey, I'm there now.

[Adriana Moretti]

Anxiety ,guilt and self hate are never fun...and not a healthy way to live ...neither is overthinking...this is something you are going to have to come to terms with . You are not alone here, there are alot of girls here who feel exactly the same way, so you are in the right place for starters. Isha has already done a great job here so I do not have much to add...there is a whole beautiful world out there...

[Milou]

Thank you for all the supportive comments and advice. It's good to know I'm not the only one in this journey and know I still have a long way to go. I think I accept myself as a boy, but it isn't easy with the guilt and low self-esteem. The thoughts of wanting to become a girl are short lived, but they have always bothered me and then I tend to overthink all possibilities. I haven't started crossdressing yet, so I'm still deeply in the closet. I will start next March/April when I have enough privacy to explore my feelings in my own pace.

[Beverley Sims]

I always kept under cover and only let a little of me out at any one time.
There is no need to tell all and sundry that you dress.
Especially casual girlfriends.
If they want to dress you up..... GO! for it.

That is often a big opportunity missed. :)

[Anna H]

I just always knew i was weird. We always moved a lot so i
was always the outcast in the new social groups. Which was
fine actually because i got to hang around with the other
oddballs....who I'd have preferred anyway.

I love and adore people who aren't cookie-cutter-do-as-
they're-told types....so accepting wasn't all that hard. I just
had to be careful of who i trusted. (some odd people are
just fricken' dangerous.....)

[tiffanynjcd24]

I knew that i was a crossdresser since i was 13. I tried to denied it at first, but being that i am older, i realized that i came in terms with who i am. Its just now i need to join a crossdresser\transgender organization. But anyway i am happy with who i am and that matters

[kimdl93]

Sounds like you're about twenty years old, right? Well, many your age have doubts and uncertainty about themselves. It goes with youth and inexperience. And I would submit that all CDrs known self loathing for periods of there lives. Unfortunately, many of us lived decades coping, repressing and hating a part of ourselves and this has had adverse effects on our personal and professional lives.

For me self acceptance came through therapy after a painful divorce...not precipitated by the CDing. But it forced me to acknowledge to someone other than my wife that I was a CDr. And my therapist's response was "..it's not a crime you know." That began a long process of self reassessment. In the end I came to understand and know and believe that how I chose to dress didn't diminish my value as a human. For that matter, being accepted by others..or not..did not add or detract from my value as a person. I learned to stop looking for validation from anyone but myself.

It's not easy, but in time you can put aside your self doubts and embrace yourself as a good, decent and unique being.

[GingerLeigh]

Wow, how to accept yourself. There is no easy answer. I can relate to your feelings of panic and anxiety as I was hounded by those feelings for a long time. If you want to get over those feelings you must first deal with the self loathing.

Go to the pictures page and look at the boy/girl section. See all of the boys out there that do exactly the same thing that you do. They could be your neighbor, your brother, your buddy. These are all good people with normal, healthy, productive lives. You are one of them. Crossdressing doesn't define who you are or make you a defective human being. It's just a part of the whole you. You can't fight it or suppress it. You will never win that battle. So accept it and move on. You can't expect anyone else to accept it if you don't.
Once you accept this part of yourself, you may feel the need to tell someone about it. This will help with the anxiety/panic. Maybe.

Places like this website help by allowing you to express yourself. Just know you're not alone. So just relax. Life is too short to waste on making yourself feel like crap.

[Caden Lane]

Self acceptance came with therapy. I have PTSD from my years as a police detective, and I was seeing a police shrink to come to terms with things, even though I was no longer a cop. So keep in mind, this shrink sees cops all the time. He was a former military pilot and military psychologist.

Well, during my therapy one day, I revealed the crossdressing to him, because my wife at the time was reversing course on her DADTpolicy, and I was hurting because of it. He could tell I was hurting from something.

So I told him, and he looked completely nonplussed. He then told me that when he was in the military he knew a pilot that was a nervous wreck in the air if he wasn't wearing lingerie. He also said it wasn't unheard of for some cops to do it on their downtime to decompress.

I walked away from that session a new person. All that to say, seek out therapy as early as possible, if for no other reason than to find inner acceptance and peace.

[LadyInRed]

self acceptance, that's a major level of comfort, it took me a long time to get there for the basics, i was late 20's before i became comfortable with being a geek, and then again at 40 i became comfortable with being Jamie again... for me it was just about relaxing, realizing that i'm a good guy and i will find people who will accept me.

that being said as i've said i work with some narrow minded bigots so i'll keep this aspect of my life from mixing with work.

[stephannietv]

i think the big problem is finding people to accept this side of me,but then again,i'm too much of a chicken to tell any of my friends,but I feel like I was born to wear women's clothes,i keep wondering why women get to wear such comfortable and nice feeling clothes and men get stuck with pants,boxers instead of skirts,hose,but I never feel guilty when I dress fem and it feels so wonderful,too bad my wife doesn't agree and I did tell her about my crossdressing before we were married and didn't seem to have any problems with it but that sure changed,lol but never have I felt quilty crossdressing but sure wish more people accepted it and that every guy dressed fem,that would be so great,wow,lol

[bridget thronton]

As I began to share this side of myself I became less fearful of being exposed and cared much less about what others (besides my wife and kids) thought of me. Not completely out, but I am who I am and not likely to change that.

[marshalynn]

Milou I am 70 years old now, I have wanted to be a girl since I was about 5 years old, ( never under stood why ) , I always kept it to my self, did not want to hurt my family, wife passed away 28 years ago and I had a 8 year old son to raise, not a good time to come out about being a girl ( I thought at the time ) my son is 35 with his own family now, I still don't under stand why I want to be a girl, for the last five years I have started to live the way I feel normal for me, at the present I live female 90 % of the time. I go to hair salon every Friday and get my natural mid- back length hair done, I wear nail polish all the time, get mani and pedi regularly, wear makeup most of the time, almost never wear male clothes, I told my mother (89 YEARS OLD) and two brothers about 2 months ago about my girl self, ____why am I telling you this___, I finally thought it was time for me to be me, why do I want to be a girl, I still don't under stand the reasoning and don't care any more why.. I am living my life how I feel happy now, I feel free and natural as a girl (woman), I don't think any of us will ever know the answer, why? Just do the best you can do for your life to be happy.. Marshalynn

[Jaylyn]

For me it started way back when I was a baby and mom dressed me like a girl for the first several years of my life. Dad then took over and made mom cut my curly blonde hair and stop dressing me in dresses. She wanted a girl so bad for her first kid that I guess it didn't matter to her. She accepted finally that dad was right and I had to start wearing boy clothes. Fast forward to about thirteen or so and I started sneaking and dabbling in moms hose, heels, girdles, slips, and even her old makeup that she discarded. Why I did this I haven't a clue. I kept the old things she discarded in the loafs of the barn. My CD I think began then and it always at that age lead to a sexual arousal and finish. It is still to this day something I find sexually arousing and love the feel of the clothes. I am a manly type man but I just simply enjoy wearing the women's clothing. Am I out for all to see? NO and only my wife knows and those on here that are friends. At the age of 64 I have accepted why can't I enjoy wearing what I want. My acceptance is only in the seclusion of the farm and house. This so far has full filled my need for the dressing. Maybe this is not full yet because just last night I read about the Diva Las Vegas meeting I ad the feeling that I would love to try that, maybe it was only a passing fantasy but who knows maybe it might be my next acceptance of myself level. At my age I figure I am what I am in my own Jaylyn world and sometimes things in her world can get all clouded up. Milou I think every person has to be in acceptance of what you are or you can be eaten alive with guilt, unhealthy worries, and also make your self miserable. You are too young to be carrying those burdens. Find your place in this life and work constantly on making it better. God, You and the people who truly love you will accept you so to heck with the rest that can't see past their own noses. Summed up find what works for you.

[Taylor Ray]

The process of self-acceptance can almost be likened to a spiritual practice, like meditating.

Although we wish to arrive "there" instantly, we have to slowly chip away at it, like adding one drop of acceptance to our cup each day.

I am glad to have read your post, Milou. It helped me think about my own situation.

[katssun]

How did I accept myself?

Slowly, and over time. As others have said, there's no easy answer, and what works for some of us doesn't work for all of us.

For me, I had to accept both sides of myself. I knew that I couldn't be angry and miserable all the time in male mode, and I couldn't always be relaxed and happy en femme. Otherwise I would just push aside my male self, even though I enjoy it just as much. I won't say it isn't hard when I'm so much happier dressed, but finding that balance was the key for me.

Getting others to accept it (or not reject you outright) is a lot harder, but you can't guess what another person will think, and that's the hardest part of all.

[Sarah21]

Good luck on your journey Milou, you will find yourself.

There is only one person that really know's you and that is you. Nobody else.

I'm confused myself and trying to find my my way, but I do believe if you don't love yourself it's very hard for another person to love you.
I cry a lot and am getting to the next stage, but I know I'm getting there.

[Cassandra Lynn]

I'll concur with Aprilrain on this one.

I first knew of my differences at an early age, but also knew at about the same time that i needed to hide it. While it was fairly easy to blend in (as I was born to be an outdoorsperson in an outdoorsman family), it also got very hard at times.

It was rather hard for me to figure out why I could play armymen with my brothers (4 boys, being me the youngest), then see the girl next door in her little sundress and want to be her.

By my twenties and early thirties, no matter that I was well hidden inside a shell of masculinity, I had already started down the slippery slope of alcohol and substance abuse.

It was in a treatment center with the encouragement of a wise (and quite pretty female) counselor that I was convinced to accept myself. I did so that very night in my room and while I wanted to cry out loud in the freedom of it I had to wait until I was released several days later.

I'm blathering on now and I apologize. First and foremost, the important thing is to accept yourself (and where that is on the gender spectrum isn't the main thing right now) because that is where it truly begins.

Trust in yourself and then you will see those who can accept you.

I finally found an accepting and supportive love interest and though I once thought in impossible, there are accepting women out there.

[Ginger Jameson]

My wife. She accepts me and encourages me to accept myself.

[Stephanie47]

Milou, I am a senior citizen and have been dressing for over fifty years. In the beginning I was totally confused. I had all the feelings expected of a young boy and a young man. I did all the things society and myself expected. But, there was or is that little quirk I had. How did I reconcile cross dressing with all of my manly behavior. I couldn't. My feelings of self loathing and self doubt as to my sexuality was really stressful Back in the 1960's there was absolutely no resources available to a young man.

I was over thinking the issue. Frankly, I just plain gave up trying to figure out why I enjoy wearing women's clothing. From your words I think you may also be over thinking the issue. Just because you enjoy wearing women's clothing which is a societal taboo does not lead to transitioning to a female. Yes, that may be in the cards. But, it just may be that you enjoy being en femme for some reason.

Don't be hard on yourself for being a cross dresser. Approach anything you do in life with moderation. Everyone is in a unique situation. But, do express yourself or else you'll never figure who you are.

[PaulaQ]

I accepted myself when I really realized and understood that I was powerless over my gender. I don't control it - it IS me. I became willing to explore it where ever it led me - to the point where I'm now transitioning. For many here, it means a far shorter journey, to accepting that they will partially or fully present as a woman anywhere from rarely, to quite frequently.

As for the opinions of others - they just don't matter. Yes, it's worrisome that you could lose relationships over this. But consider:
1. You likely have plenty of real character defects that can end a relationship
2. This isn't your character defect - the lack of acceptance is the rest of the world's character defect.

[suchacutie]

Self acceptance is a universal problem for everyone! Simply accepting that any of our thoughts/opinions are valid in comparison to those of our mentors is a huge challenge. That first time you find out your parents are wrong about something is a very difficult moment. Some people are mentally subservient to 'authority' for their entire lives.

Now we add our transgenderism to the mix and it can be incredibly confusing.

My advice is to try and separate/identify those people who you are reluctant or unable to question and ask yourself why that situation exists in each case. You might consider someone smarter or more saavy or more worldly, but remember you are as worthy as they are to have opinions and ideas. The ideas of others can be very useful, and you might want adopt their positions if you find them valid, but no one is perfect to the point of worship.

Luckily, I was past my time of learning about and accepting my own self worth before we discovered Tina. As a result my wife and I were simply fascinated that she had been there all that time (I was 55). We accepted Tina as s simply fact and moved on to trying to figure out whi she was/is!.

So, if you are like me, working you general acceptance of yourself will help with your femme self.

Best wishes.

[Milou]

Thank you for all the responses, it's nice to read them. I guess it will take some time.



Go to the pictures page and look at the boy/girl section. See all of the boys out there that do exactly the same thing that you do. They could be your neighbor, your brother, your buddy. These are all good people with normal, healthy, productive lives.

Where is the pictures page? I can't seem to access it, even though I have 10 posts.



Sounds like you're about twenty years old, right?


Bingo

[erica12b]

Day by day , erica is never going to go away , so its day by day

[Cheryl T]

After decades of berating myself, second guessing everything, feeling guilty and so very odd I finally came to the realization that this in not something I do, it's who I am. In order to maintain sanity I said the heck with everyone else, I have to be me and express who I am in all my facets. I just couldn't continue on the path I was walking...it was leading to the crazy farm and I was not going to walk in all that manure in my heels....lol

[melissakozak]

Thousands of dollars of therapy, time, tears, and finally, a giving up process that allowed me to accept myself as trans woman....finally there....whew....Melissa.

[JamieTG]

Growing up in the 50's and 60's society was telling me I was weird, perverted, an abomination, ect. And with no internet back then, I thought I was the only one like this. It made me think I was a bad person and ruined my self esteem. It was until my late 40's that I finally decided its never going to change, its OK to be different, and I'm going to stop beating myself up over it. Once I started telling close friends and family, I was shocked that I didn't lose any friends and my family still loved me. It was a long road but I finally reached self acceptable and much better self esteem.