wierd place

[GabbiSophia]

Watch a movie on rent last night.. Thankx for sharing..it's about addiction and man it messed with my head. I do feel like an addict and the thoughts to just throw this all down stop thinking about it and do a life purge has been racing through my mind for a couple days now. Why is it that this crap has so many sides to it? Geez I know that I have tried to walk away from it in the past and it creeps in every little crack it can find. ...In the end though it seems everything is making it stronger. If you CD it gets stronger, if you don't do anything it gets stronger, if you except and drag your feet it makes you frustrated along with the stronger feelings, and the best one is if you talk about being TS it makes it super strong and the anxiety makes you crazy. I do get the shakes and that is a weird thing that I didn't think this would bring on

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Self talk about being an addict ignores reality. It's just a way to make yourself feel bad.
You are not addicted to being yourself... you are not addicted to feeling like you are a "right" person... if you were, every person on earth has the same addiction and mindlessly indulges it every single moment of their lives.

I guess what you are learning is that your feelings are getting more intense. This is what happens to us.

You have to watch out for how this can creep into your "regular" life without you knowing it. This applies to family and to your work.

[stefan37]

You may be pleasantly surprised at the calmness hormones provide. You will know in a very short time if they are right for you. My anxiety was completely gone and feeling I was on a runaway train dissipated in 3 days after introduction of estrogen in my system. It confirmed to me estrogen was what my brain craved and needed.

Denial gets you absolutely nowhere and provides no relief only greater distress.

[GabbiSophia]

Kaitlyn I actually get the last part of your comment. I have noticed little things in my daily life. It's strange at times as I do them without thinking and I have to watch it so it isn't obvious. At home their is now a constant wanting to just be me and not be any gender just to do what feels comfortable.

[stefan37]

That is the whole point is to be yourself. Be authentic and all that gender BS goes out the window. The trick is getting through all the BS to be authentic.
I don't have the answers, only my experience and what has worked for me. I fought it for a very long time and even subconsciously in the beginning after starting HRT.

Once I fully embraced who I was and took action, the train slowed down and I gained focus. I have had so many positive events in my life, made such good friends I would otherwise been incapable of achieving living as a male. I am in a very awkward stage, but trudging through.

Keep searching, and exploring and you will find your balance. It may not be what you think you want, but once you get there that AHA moment will be so worth it.

[LeaP]

That horrible mix of feelings that you are experiencing turn out to be a very useful indicator. That is – once you are on a resolution path. Up until that point, they are an indication that you are fighting something in yourself. More accurately, if you are TS, it means you are resisting change and holding on to what has kept you going to-date. Once you have moved to acceptance and resolution, it becomes an indicator of whether or not you are being sidetracked from resolution or, alternatively (and more positively) whether it's continuous absence means you have gone far enough.

Wondering about addiction and obsession will not necessarily go away. Those kinds of themes – and I throw accusations of selfishness into the same pot – will not go away in others' attempts to pinhole you, either. You may wonder at what drove you so hard, second-guessing yourself if and when you reach the point that the GD settles down. And that is when you will face the deepest question of all. Which is what are you … really and truly. Meaning, not do you have gender issues or are "transgender," etc., but are you actually a woman – female. And, if so, are you driven to do anything about that even without facing the kind of crisis, moment to moment, that you are now? That question is easier to answer for some than others. Either way, it comes from a place deeper than thought or simple emotions.

The sense of craziness is quite real. I remember just how strong it was. For a while, I actually thought that I was losing my grip on reality. Little did I know that I was actually getting a grip for the first time. Fortunately or unfortunately, maintaining that grip turns out to be a lot harder then evading it. But I can at least assure you that the sense of craziness goes away.

[GabbiSophia]

Lea you last part about reality I have said to myself numerous times over the last few weeks. I find it amazing, the feeling of losing it, to be one of my biggest fears and also a driving force. I really have chosen my own path .. atm.. I am doing my best to deal with the GD but I just have moments that baffle me. I really do want to wake up from this dream. I find it hard to not be me... and at times it has no gender.. I revel for those moments or for the moments that for whatever reason the GD is gone though never for to long. I woke the other morning and was free of it for about 2 hrs. I got so much done and the sky was so damn beautiful. That moment I told my wife is addicting (before I watched the movie) and that I could see why people stop fighting. I want to try and not fight or run toward I want to do just enough to live as a male. That's it nothing more than that... ok so I know that's impossible pretty much now a days.

Thank you for the input I kinda use the board as a sounding board and to see others exp.

[Dawn cd]

I believe there's a tendency toward obsession with some crossdressers. All their talk about "pink fog" is really a description of obsessive behavior. But a true transexual is is not being obsessive, and certainly not addictive. Being authentic to one's nature is healthy. If certain behaviors bring peace and inner certainty, they are probably authentic. But these feelings must be gauged over time, not during sudden moments of doubt.