What is an authentic life?

[Christina Kay]

Having joined this forum , thinking I was just a crossdresser. Well the rabbit hole is much deeper . My wife and I ,after I came out set boundaries . Underdressing fine, and a few smaller things. Thought I was fine with that. But something just didn't feel fulfilling enough. Feminine mannerisms came flooding to the surface. Yes I have always thought of,myself as .....never quite fitting in with the guy world. The being jealous or envious of the female world of emotions , being able to express them freely.
I have always been different. Suffered from gynecomastia as a teen. But secretly felt I was blessed to have breasts, as small as they maybe. My secret connection to womanhood. Now that iam out , shaving my body, shaping my eyebrows, growing my nails...primping and be so conscious of my grooming, Doing things so the person looking back at me is somewhat a girl.
I have always known there was girl in me. My sister who iam not talking to now, though she is a psychologist . Had my wife and I do a test years ago about martial relationships for a study of hers. After I was done and mailed it back. She contacted me and asked." How much of you do you think is male and how much female?" I immediately answered 50/50 though secretly I thought more like 70/30 f/m . She just said OH... I just kinda thought most guys who were alittle conflicted this was normal .
So since being on this site . And discovering or more so a self discovery, have actually come to a self imposed realization. I feel the need to feminize but not transition. I feel the need to be the women I am. I just don't want to lose what I have. Is this GD? Is this manageable, or is it a one way ticket? Do others feel this level of GD also , without the need to transition. . .? Sorry I don't mean to be all over the place and rambling on,,, just very confused and scared. I am searching out a gender therapist in my area, and will broach this subject with my wife. See transition equals divorce, which is only fair to her. God if I knew this would happen this late in life ,,,,,it's just not fair to her. So what is an authentic life?
Is it dropping the facades that we build to protect ourself image to others? Is it or can it be lived by balance , or is it just being a one armed juggler ? Thanks Hugs Aretha :battingeyelashes:

[GretchenJ]

Hey Aretha

You are making perfect sense to me and not rambling at all. I have been cross dressing my entire life. Recently, in the last year or so - I have felt the need to be feminine, not necessary to be a woman. In my perfect world , I would be Gretchen 20% of the time and my male self 80%. I love my male side and my family, I am coming to embrace and really love my female side as well. I have zero need to transition, as I am liking the balance that I am achieving so far

I think talking to a professional may be your best bet. There are also a ton of people here who represent all aspects of this spectrum which are Way more knowledgable and have talked and walked the walk.

Best of luck and best wishes
Gretchen

[KellyJameson]

I think an authentic life is something you have to search for and create and it is in this process you discover whether it is authentic for you.

Transitioning is a type of reality testing so you could say that we are truth seekers or avoiders depending on the reasons.

My own experience with transitioning is it is a movement toward an internalized image so you will keep moving toward this image until you realize it or if you resist the pull of this internalized image you will experience a type of sadness and anxiety like you are incomplete and not fully born so alive but also dead.

The more you move toward this internalized image and see it physically manifested the more you will want to perfect it or suffer the frustration and heartache of not becoming the vision you have of yourself from this inner eye.

It is a movement toward the physical manifestation of gender identity so where you fall on the spectrum of identity will determine what you need to express and experience

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I would skip the whole idea of what it means to be authentic...authentic is a feeling, and if you feel it then nobody can say anything different, and if you don't, no amount of debate will make you feel it...

If you have to use that idea, Kelly says it very well.....
you move towards your own real "self"...and if you get there you just know it...and if you don't, or if you resist, there is a very special type of distress waiting for you that so many have described as not "feeling like you are alive"...

do you feel this way Aretha? do you feel like every day is just a waste of all the energy, love and goodness inside of you?? that every day your own expressions of feelings are just empty and without any meaning?? that your loved ones expressions of feeling toward you hold no meaning because they are aimed at somebody that you can't feel inside of you anymore?? pretty fricking stark...but that's what it feels like... that's how being inauthentic usually plays out (in ts world anyway)

if you are looking for balance, your best hope is to not be transsexual, your best hope is keep your life in order and express your female side as often as suits you and your life...that sounds pretty good and pretty authentic to me..

In any case, a good therapist would likely help you a lot..

[melissakozak]

Aretha,

I bless your post. I truly do. Living authentically is YOUR journey and no one else's. I have had a gender counselor for over a year now...going on two soon, and she is a god send. Yes, I self identify as a trans woman, yes, I have GD, no, I have not transitioned. Do I live an authentic life? YES. I am happy knowing who I am, and I accept. For each of us, self acceptance about who we are and what we decide to do about it is an individual process. You do what YOU NEED TO DO TO BE HAPPY. That is what I have done. No one else can live your life for you. Keep an open mind on your journey. GO SLOW on your journey. We are all very complex people but trust me, being transgender and or having GD is WAY, WAY beyond what most people experience and most CANNOT relate to this one iota.....peace, and good luck on your journey...hugs, Melissa.

[Eryn]

There is a balance somewhere out there.

I went most of my life vehemently denying this side of myself, even to myself. Like many of us, I compensated by going into a manly field, having manly hobbies, being aggressive, and feeling properly guilty every time I slipped into "experimentation."

Something changed and I couldn't keep it bottled up any longer. I had "the talk" with my wife of 20 years and together we have been exploring this side of me. I still spend 90% of my time in boy mode, but I don't feel that I have to deny my feminine side as strongly as I have in the past. I have clear-polished nails, have pierced ears, and wear much more interesting colors than I used to. It may be mere symbolism, but these make me feel more comfortable in my own skin which I suppose is living authentically.

Silly anecdote: A few days ago my wife and I bought some earring sets at Claire's. I bought a set that I thought would work for me in male mode. In this set were a couple of gold heart studs that I knew wouldn't work for me. this morning I was selecting earrings and looked at those hearts. I thought "what the heck, I like them, I want to wear them, so I will!" I popped them in and my wife and I went out to breakfast. I felt good about my choice and the fact that I finally feel the freedom to make that choice. I suppose that's a good, if small example of living authentically.

[Christina Kay]

Girls thank you so very much for your input. So many wise words...:). I now realize that I need to be my true self. Drop the facade and false image. And be me, just be me. Thankfully my wife is acclimating and accepting though I know nervous as to how far this goes. I can now see the path I must follow. And I feel alright with it. Thank you again Hugs Aretha

[Suzanne F]

Being authentic has been the theme of life the last year. It has been about a year ago that I came out to my wife and began to a accept myself. I am now able to say I am transgendered and it is much more than crossdressing. I am trying to find balance between what my family needs and being authentic. It is not an easy task! I don't know where it will end and that is scary. Thanks for posting about your journey and know that you are not alone.
Suzanne

[I Am Paula]

I'm going to catch some flack here. IMHO, authentic is to leave the safety and comaraderie of only hanging with trans people, in trans friendly places, and trans support groups. I've known plenty of girls that decades after transition was 'over' would not even try to assimilate into the cis world.
Isolating ones self in the trans community is not authentic.

[Angela Campbell]

For me authentic means real. To live as me. To not pretend to be something I am not.

[Eryn]

I'm going to catch some flack here....Isolating ones self in the trans community is not authentic.

I don't see much controversy about this statement except perhaps in the absolute way that it was made.

Without getting into an "more authentic than thou" exchange, I think that there is a lot of truth there. While I enjoy the company of my TG friends and know that TG camaraderie has its place, i do enjoy living in the mainstream as well.

TG groups are a bridge. Some choose to stay on the far side, others commute back and forth. There is no one correct way to live.

[CharleneT]

Here's the thing: once you get past the whole transition thingy, you have to just live a life. That is when it gets real and you deal with just the everyday issues of being some woman in your place (USA or where-ever). You *will* find that being around other TS folks doesn't actually work well. You need to just be a person. Not a tranny ... at some point you have to walk away from that. The end point of transition is not being TS ... just "being". It can be harder than you imagine.

[Eryn]

I can see the point, but one can be true to oneself (my interpretation of "authentic") and still maintain one's friendships within the TG community. I'm not TS. Two of my good friends are. I certainly hope that they don't see a need to drop me as a friend or cut ties with the community simply to be "authentic."

Thinking of it another way: A GG can have TG friends and they are certainly "authentic" in our eyes. A TS individual should be able to do the same.

[PaulaQ]

You *will* find that being around other TS folks doesn't actually work well. You need to just be a person. Not a tranny ... at some point you have to walk away from that. The end point of transition is not being TS ... just "being". It can be harder than you imagine.

Could you elaborate on this a little CharleneT? Why didn't it work well for you.


I've known plenty of girls that decades after transition was 'over' would not even try to assimilate into the cis world.

Do you mean the cisgendered world, or the heteronormative world? I live in the little gay enclave in Dallas. The vast majority of people here are cisgendered. Yes, there are trans people here - but we're thin on the ground and it's not unusual for me to be the first trans woman someone here has ever met.

I have about zero interest in assimilating back into the heteronormative world. I was SURE I wanted to do this - but now, I feel I won't ever really successfully do it. Every step I take seems to move in the opposite direction. The thing is - I *hated* the heteronormative cisgendered world. Sure, I know some really nice people in it - but I can't stand most of them, and never really have been able to. I'm not saying I won't go into the hetero world and deal with it - I will, because I'm not afraid of them. I just don't like most of them.

I also don't intend to be stealth - I plan to be openly trans. I want to pass - but I don't intend to hide who I am. I didn't spend 50 years in one closet to exchange it for another one. (BTW, I respect and understand WHY someone would want to integrate into the hetero-cis-world. Not everyone's a martyr, and my approach is liable to bring me a lot of woe.)

[Rianna Humble]

For me, an authentic life is about being myself in every circumstance.

I don't try to "shut myself away with the trannies" but neither do I have any need to be with them more than with others.
I don't try to shut myself in with the LGBT community, but neither do I shun their company.
I can be myself amongst peopl eof my own political persuasion, yet I find strong support from those of the opposite political persuasion.

That is not to say that I don't feel regret if a group rejects me, nor that in those circumstances I don't draw back a little, but I will not compromise who I am to seek acceptance. I am Rianna, I am a woman. True I am currently incomplete for medical reasons, but I am a woman nonetheless.

[GabbiSophia]

even though I just starting to lay my path I can tell that imo an authentic life is one where you don't hide, you don't change for the people around you, you do what you want to do, you don't have to be who you are only "part time" or when it is ok, and to be living without GD. That's my opinion of an authentic life is all about.

[PaulaQ]

I will never have an authentic life. All I've ever wanted is to be accepted as a person, able to lead a life both good and bad, like everyone else. And that simply isn't in the cards for me and never has been. I was born with so many physical limitations, I spent so much of my life on the sidelines. I wanted to just be like everyone else - but I am not.

Without telling even more monstrous lies than the ones that have already defined my life, many will never really view me as a real woman, and some will not even view me as a human being. And some few view me as a monster.

Unlike when I was a kid though, this time I will not sit on the sidelines, all dressed up but not able to play. I'll make a life of some kind, and it will have to be authentic enough.

[MatildaJ.]

"Authentic enough" -- that's my goal too, Paula! Also a "good enough" parent and daughter and friend and spouse.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I like authentic enough too Paula!!!

Good enough is so much better than perfect! Lots more wiggle room!!


One thing I would add is that for me to feel authentic there needed to be a permanence to it.

[Eryn]

I remember the story of the Canadian magazine who asked readers to come up with an ending to the phrase "As Canadian as..." as a counterpart to "As American as Apple Pie."

The winning entry was "As Canadian as Possible Under the Circumstances."

The same might apply to us. Sometimes life denies us ideal outcomes and we have to settle for what it does deal us.

[Badtranny]

Authenticity has nothing to do with sexuality or gender issues. An authentic life is simply a life without pretense. If you pretend to like Nascar because your friends will make fun of you, than you're a fraud. Not authentic.

Be who you want to be, do what you want to do and be proud of whatever that is, and you just might find yourself living an authentic life.

[Nigella]

Sound words from Mellisa

[Badtranny]

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later. ;-)

[PaulaQ]

What I find to be paradoxical is that the more authentically I live, the less "real" I seem to be with those in the outside world. NOBODY I know really gets that this is something other than a lifestyle choice. NOBODY. They are accepting, they say the right words, which is nice, but I know when someone is bullshitting me, and that's what happens.

Maybe I'm just at that awkward point in my transition when I'm really neither a male or a female to the outside world. (*I* know what I am - but apparently my vote doesn't count.) But to most people, I'm just this weird guy who turned into a girl, or a weird girl who used to be a guy, or anything other than just a woman.

I feel like a non-person, at least to the outside world. It's ironic, because I'm liking my life more and more, and it feels much more real to me than it ever has before - but I'm increasingly less and less real physically.

[FurPus63]

Maybe my story can help a little. I was 48 years-old when I first started to dress as a girl. I always felt feminine inside, but to make a long story short, confused sex gender with sexual orientation and along with denial; told myself that it was because I was bisexual that I had these feelings. As I grew into my 40's the feelings of wanting to be a girl/woman, became so overwhelming for me I just couldn't stand it any longer. I began to realize that I could no longer deny that these freelings that made me feel feminine on the inside were not the result of me being (or at least feeling like I was) bisexual; it was the result of having a woman inside me. I know now that all my life that was the case, but denial runs thick; especially when you are brought up in a strict Catholic family where breaking traditions is just not done.

Now I was married and I loved my wife. As so many of us do. Whether we are heterosexual, bisexual, or gay; we love our spouses/life partners. That's just how it is. That is a fact. So what did I do when I came to the realization and conclusion that I'm a woman? I left my wife, seperated, and began to live my life full-time as a woman. Now you might think that was selfish of me. Maybe it was. But after living all my life for others and being depressed most of my life. I decided to do something for myself. Something for me. Now there were a lot of other factors involved in this. Too many to discuss here. But....the point is I did what I had to do for me.

Gender Dysphoria never goes away. It is a progressive condition that just gets worse as time continues and I think a natrual drop in testostorone (which happens to us all as we reach our 40's) has something to do with making it harder to deal with. I can only speak for myself and not for others, but my guess is that if you, Aretha, continue to live your life as a man and don't transition; things could get a lot harder for you psychologically and emotionally. I hope you do follow up and see a good gender therapist a.s.a.p. and think about this. Divorce may not be as horrible as it sounds. My x-wife and I are better friends now than we ever were. We do all kinds of "gurly" things together. I'm even helping her to find a new man. Since being on HRT my sexual orientation is straightened out and I live my life now as a heterosexual woman.

So... things can work out. I hope you find the answers you're looking for and keep writing on this forum. It's a great support group.

Paulette

[LenGray]

Authenticity has nothing to do with sexuality or gender issues. An authentic life is simply a life without pretense. If you pretend to like Nascar because your friends will make fun of you, than you're a fraud. Not authentic.

Be who you want to be, do what you want to do and be proud of whatever that is, and you just might find yourself living an authentic life.

This sums it up for me :)

[gonegirl]

What Melissa said: Word!

[VickyMI]

So GD is progressive? Is that a fact?

Ruh Row.

[Aprilrain]

So GD is progressive? Is that a fact? .

It was for me

[Angela Campbell]

Well it certainly doesn't go away. Got far beyond worse for me.

[Rachel Smith]

What Angela said. Until it consumed my every waking moment.

[GabbiSophia]

At times I have to concentrate to stop thinking about it.. so I think it gets worse roo