Divorced because of CDing

[Rachael Leigh]

So here's my question, for those on here who ended up ending their marriage where CDing was all or part of the reason, was it worth it? Do you regret you just didn't find a way to stop or figure out some kind of compromise.
I've been married 32 years and my dressing has put major strains on my marriage for years. I've been asking myself is this worth all that? For now I don't have an answer

[Lori Kurtz]

For me, a marriage ended because of my CDing--although it was she, not I, who ended it. Was that worth it? I was who I was then, and I dressed up a lot in secret until my secret got discovered, and she couldn't deal with it. It was not a happy time for me. CDing is often hard for us to accept, so it's not surprising that it's hard for our SO's, because they don't get the pleasure, and it's not their choice. When I looked at the possibilities for the remainder of my life, I decided to try giving up CDing in order to have a more honest and full relationship with a woman. I know that some of us will not be able to carry through on that choice, but for me it worked, and it was a long and happy marriage until her death. So was giving up CDing worth it? For me, yes. But you're not me, you're you. You can get some thoughts from the other girls (and guys) here, but ultimately, you still are a unique individual, and you still have to make your best judgment as to what is the right choice for you. Best of luck to you.

[Anna H]

Hi Leigh,

I don't have that problem myself, but i'd ask if the CD'ing
was the real cause of any problems.....if it wasn't there, would
all be just as great as may be imagined.

I had a wife who wasn't going to tolerate even a hint of such
an idea. We ended for other reasons...she never had a clue...but
even if she had such a thing to hold over my head, life wasn't going
to improve with her anyway.

If you "quit"...does that solve your problems?

Sorry to hear you even have to contemplate such a thing...

[CarlaWestin]

It's worth it. In the long run. There are times when you blame things on crossdressing but, sometimes life sucks anyway. Not having to live up to the unattainable expectations of my ex, Satan, has greatly enhanced and advanced my feeling of validation and self awareness. YMMV

[carhill2mn]

I didn't choose to end my marriage; my wife did. She had known that I was a CD for many years and went through periods of trying to understand, tolerating it, hating it, DADT, acceptance and even a little of participation. There were times that I thought about a divorce but decided the price was too high.

An outside influence prompted my wife to decide to get a divorce. My CDing was a factor but there were many other factors as well. Even a "friendly" divorce is expensive. When my wife and I told our daughters and their husbands that we were getting divorced they were much more upset about the divorce than they were about learning that I was a CD. This greatly upset my wife.

It was near what would have been our 43rd anniversary when she told me she was filing for a divorce. Our marriage, like many others, had its ups and downs. Unfortunately, my wife was not good at compromises. She was much more of a "black or white" person.

The up-side to my being divorced is that I am able to be en femme most of the time. This does not include time with my family or friends that know me only as a man. Thus, I have to change back and forth at times.

Was a divorce worth it? That is a hard question to answer. Would I have chosen it? Probably not but, I am much happier and less stressed as a result.

Deciding to get a divorce is one of those "life changing decsions". You do need to consider the pros and cons and then decide whether or not to proceed. Unfortunately, it is a decsion that only you can make. I wish you the best.

[Vanessa Rose]

You know.. we can't answer your question, or give you good advice because only you know your situation. That said, and knowing that we all want to help you find an answer let me say this.

What are you unhappy about?
How dependant are you on your SO if they were not to be there?
Are they your best friend or a constant hassle and reason for frustration?
Would you separate if it were not for your desire to CD?
Is this the only problem you are having or are there others...
And, who has a better figure you or her...? I am betting you..

Good luck but don't ask us to help answer your need...it is only you that can really ask yourself the proper questions, and or along with an appropriate therapist.

Lastly, I think some of us tend to obsess on the need to do this a bit. And yes, I include myself in this group. But I have not settled for partners that do not accept all of me. That is my choice and lucky or skilled or whatever the reason, that is the case for me.

CD'ing varies greatly in need over a life, but look carefully at what you need, through hopefully a qualified counselor to explore the right options for you.

Good Luck

Vanny

[docrobbysherry]

It's NOT about CDing, Leigh. It's about how good/strong your marriage is. Do u both still wish to, and do, communicate? Still enjoy each other's company and intimacy? If so, u will stay together because u both wish to. Because u will both be willing to make the compromises necessary.

What happens in many marriages is all the things I mentioned eventually r replaced by boredom, numbness, habit, and resentment. They don't even realize their marriages r over and they've become room mates.

If yours is over? Make the changes u need to make. U may not need to get a divorce to make them, either.

[deebra]

Carla, we must have married the same woman, mine was Satan too.

[Anna H]

How bout that! Is Satan from Michigan by any chance? I only
had 3 years with her, but that was enough... :ner:

[RADER]

Hind site is a lot better than for-site; That said, My first wife devoicing me was a blessing.
At the time, it was very bitter, turning the kids against me, taking me back to court 5 times
in the first two years. No wonder I did not even date for 10 years, or more.
Women where just an unnecessary evil.
When I met my soon to be new wife, it was 15 years since my divorce; However, she was
some thing special, and the whole CD thing never bother her one bit.
So if you are having a rough time, think if it is worth beating your self up.
I am not saying that divorce is the cure for all, counseling and commutations should be tried
first and second. Divorce is a rough go, but some times it is the best way out of a bigger
problem.
It worked for me in the end, but at the time, I could not see the Elephant standing on my foot.
Rader

[alwayshave]

There is an old joke among lawyers, why is divorce so expensive, because its worth it. CDing had nothing to do with my divorce. She never knew, but had she it would have not been good. I am just happy to be away from someone so negative.

[Billiejosehine]

Everybody is different and every situation is different and we all have different choices in what we do or don't do. For me I've only been married almost 6 years before it was over. Coming into the relationship I never told my Ex about my true self being that I am a TS and just CD'ed to get by. But I was also in denial and non acceptance and just hide that part the best I could while filling a roll that I new was expected of me. As time progressed I would have slip ups by leaving things around that the EX would come across, that would put a wedge between us and then she would bring up other problems and it became this avalanche coming down a mountain. I tried my best to stop the enevitabl, but things were going to come crashing down sooner or later. With me being out on my own for a week now, I look back and ask myself was this marriage worth it, mad my happiness worth it, was it ever going to work, and many other questions. But the truth in the matter is that it's all in the past now and I can't do anything about it, that was my choice at the time. But I'm here now and I taking things one day at time while being who I really am. I know in the long run if I did stay with her for what ever reason, she would never be accepting of me wanting to dress like a woman and I'll will always be blamed for how things are because nothing would ever be good enough for her. For me being emotionally abused, blamed, what ever the EX threw my may, is not worth it. Especially if she can't accept who I really am.

With how things are in your relationship will you be able to continue to Handel it today, tomorrow, next week, next month, a year, 10 years from now. Do you think at the rate things are going; will/can it get better or worse? The major thing when asking yourself the question about it being worth it; is your spouse in any or will ever be accepting that you CD? If not will you be okay with your spouse not accepting you for who you are. But then again you have been married 32 years, so something must be working or it would have ended a long time ago.

[Rachael Leigh]

Just an update on my situation, after a very long discussion tonight for now we will remain but we discussed new boundaries.
One of which is less time here. Going out in public also is not an option. I agree on that because it's her reputation as much as it is mine. I know many here will not agree but it is my situation not yours. I will never understand why I enjoy this as I do but I know my marriage deserves better than what Ive given it over the years. She's a very special women even though she doesn't accept my dressing as some do I still love her and need to make her more important and happy.
Thanks all of you for being my friend.
I may still pop in from time to time but not as much.
Hugs Leigh

[Alice Torn]

Leigh, One day at a time, and ask help from above, and for outgoing love and concern for her, and also be good to yourself. Will miss you.

[samantha rogers]

Oh, Leigh, don't you concern yourself with what anyone else thinks, honey. You are the one living your life. If saving your marriage is important enough to give up some of what you love, so be it. It must be a very special woman, and you must love her a lot. More power to you. We should all be so lucky as to have a love worth sacrificing for, shouldn't we? Best of luck, sweetheart.
Hugs


PS
"Who has the better figure....?"
Oh, Vanny, I laughed so hard my coffee came out of my nose...:heehee:
Yes, how often do we look better than our spouses (albeit often much taller, :heehee:), and how often does that cause resentment?

[sometimes_miss]

I wasn't given the option; my ex was the one who decided I wasn't fit marriage material. After she had admitted to our therapist that had she known about my crossdressing, she never would have married me, I should have seen the handwriting on the wall and prepared myself for divorce. Long term? She wasn't a good choice either, having numerous behaviors that wouldn't be conducive to being a good mom. Turns out I probably avoided a lot more pain by splitting up. As I'm reaching the age where there are more decent single women than men, the dating field is expanding for me as long as I keep my mouth shut about crossdressing.

[MsVal]

Funny how ideas float around...
I was wondering a similar thing that same day. Does anyone recall an incident where a CD/TG divorced but regretted it so much that he contained the behavior and reconciled? I could not find anything in the archives, but I suppose that anyone in that position would not be posting here.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Sharon B.]

Was it worth it? There are times when I say yes and other times I wish it never happen, but I am who I am.
It's one of those times in life that if you are single past a certain age you must be damage in some way, guess I wanted to prove that I wasn't damage but in a way I guess I am.
I often wonder what would have happen to my life if I didn't get married when I did.
At least now I can get dressed whenever I want to, if I want to keep body hair off of my body I can, I can buy whatever woman's clothes that I want and don't have to hide them. Wear makeup and perfume whenever I want to.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Leigh , I'm saying many breath prayers that God, time & rekindled live will bring peace to you & your wife.

[adrienner99]

Another side of the coin: I have never told my wife. She simply could not handle it. But because she rarely goes out overnight anywhere, I can only dress in very short, furtive sessions. It has been years since I was able to fully dress and either go out or just stay in and take pictures. Am I denying what I am? OK, yes. Am I saving my marriage, and my wife from a lot of pain? Yes again (though the pain wouldn't be necessary as much as her choice.)

The choices we face are impossible to see as black and white. Either way, the consequences can be awful. I know there are some understanding GGs around. God Love Them! I am a crossdresser but my marriage counts, too. I just can't have both.

[heatherdress]

My divorce had nothing to do with crossdressing. She was simply awful to live with - abusive to our children and myself.

I do not think most marriages would fail for crossdressing only. If everything else was right, there would seem to be some understanding or compromise or acceptance possible.

I do not think divorce is usually the result of a single cause, unless it is adultery, substance abuse or violence.

[Annaliese]

I read your up date, You have made the right decision, because only you know what right for you. I wish you luck and happens.

[Tina B.]

I would also have to agree divorce can be a good thing, it was a long time ago, At first she said she was alright with it, but then she changed her mind, I can't say the dressing was the only problem, it was more like the straw that broke the camels back.
It got ugly, she tried to get my visitation limited because of my dressing, but the judge wouldn't do it, I did have to explain what a Transvestite was to my big brother, he had gone to court with me that day. That was the courts term, not sure I had even heard the term cross dresser back the.
It was a rough year and a half before it settled down, time I didn't get to see my kids much, and I went through a rough patch of strong drink an mild drugs, spent a year or two depressed about my kids.
But then one day I got up, the sun was shining and life looked better, I started getting back out into the world, meeting people, dating again, and after a while I met a great lady, got married again, with telling her about my past dressing, (didn't feel a need to, since by then I hadn't dressed in years.
When the urge did come back years latter, I told her about it, before I did anything about it, and surprise, surprise, she had no problem with it. Took me out and bought me two new complete outfits that same day, to show her support.
I've been able to dress as I please for 38 years now, and I know had it not been for that divorce, I would have had a life of hell, but I got lucky and traded it for a life of bliss, was it worth it, you bet ja!