Risks

[Emma Beth]

Lately as my GD has waned for the moment because I have transferred to my old department at work and I am working with a wonderful woman as my boss.

I have been thinking about the different risks and how important they might be in this path we travel.

We all know the medical risks and are strongly cautioned about them. I find myself strangely not thinking about them very much at all.

I find that I worry more about the social risks that we face.

To me, the first and foremost risk I find myself the most worried about is not the outside world as a whole. I worry most about my own immediate home and what will happen between my wife of 16 years and me.

Of course I worry about work too, but this one for some reason doesn't seem as difficult to deal with.

Obviously most of my own worrying is self imposed and everything seems worse that it actually may turn out to be. But it seems really hard to break out of my own shell of fear and move forward without holding myself back.

I have been wondering about which fears seem to take center stage with others here.

Did, or has, the medical fears or social fears take the forefront in your mind?

What is the nature of the fears that are at the forefront of your mind?

How did your own fears hold you back?

I'm interested in your thoughts.

Love and Hugs,
Liz

[Kristy 56]

Liz,you pose some very interesting questions.However, speaking for myself, I don't think they can be easily answered. Life is all about risk analysis. Is the risk worth thdpotential reward ? Sometimes it is,sometimes not. Is the anxiety worth it ? There again sometime yes other times no. For me the worst risks with least rewards are the ones base on impulse. I think I'm talking in circles now,but the bottom line is,what's an acceptable risk for me,might not be for anyone else ,or vice versa. Good luck. :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Many ts people say "don't transition unless you have to".
Although I was incredibly distressed and suffered quite a lot, that doesn't mean everybody does...for me and lots of others though, it was far from a risk reward equation...

I was deeply afraid
..wife, kids, parents, job, invasive and painful surgeries, feeling shame and worrying that I would look like a fool, intense anxiety disorders.... but I was desperate, and the desperation overwhelmed the fear....I had to... fears be damned....


If you don't feel you are desperate, then it does become a risk and reward situation...

You could consider that the reward is existential and meaningless to anyone but you, its just peace...(blessed peace!!!)...the reward is mysterious.. you really can't know until you do it.

and the risks are many, they are tangible and in your face, and they include material and life sustaining things, as well as having a huge impact on everyone around you.

Many transitioners are unprepared for is that life doesn't stop coming at you during or after transition...people die, people get sick, things go wrong, supporters stop supporting, money issues, your job changes...etc.etc..etc... and the peace you gain from transition doesn't fix anything else in your life. its this fact that stops many transitioners in their tracks....

So when you start looking at the risks in the context of evaluating whether transition is for you, they are quite high. you really are risking everything... your family, your job, health risks...etc...
If you look at those risks and those fears overwhelm you, why transition??
Maybe you can get by and keep all those things you hold dear, and skip the real risks

....live day by day and see where that leads you...
your own instinct will tell you the way to go...and you'll either realize you must transition or you won't.....

It's essential to get feedback from others, but this is about you. If you don't feel the same fears, that's simply reflects you and your life situation...

[Jorja]

Yes, there are risks. But.... there are risks to everything in life. You could accidentally step in front of a bus today. You could win the lottery today. You could invest money in the stock market and lose it all today. Without risk there is no reward. In all of my examples, you need to do your homework, pay attention, and take a risk. It is up to you to decide if the risks of transition are worth the rewards of transition. No one but you can make that decision for you. Do your homework, pay attention, and take the risks necessary for you.

[bas1985]

as the famous quote said "in the long term we are all dead"... so the risk analysis must take into consideration the limited life time.

If I were diagnosed a terminal ill which gives me less than 5 years of life I would certainly transition much more quickly, all the doubts regarding kids and divorce would go away: I would in any case die and won't see my kids grown up, so I would prefer to live my last years as the woman I feel.

Now let's stretch the mark. What about a terminal illness that gives me 6 years of life? Would I transition?
7 years? 10 years?

Eventually we all have a terminal illness called life :) which is going to go away in a gender or another. Which is my comfort zone? And what does it mean to wait for the children, or the work? When a child is "grown up"? At her first period? At her first bra? At her first love? At her first marriage :) ? For a parent a daughter is never grown up...

I apologize for the strange speech. I wanted only to share the fact that risks are part of life, and the only certainty is the now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's not strange bas... you are spot on. Thinking about my mortality was the number one thing that brought me towards transition. When I considered the distress I felt and where I was in life, and then I thought about dying at some point and I just knew that I would regret my entire life...

I can't describe how I "knew"...I just knew...and that thought really drove me nuts until it hit me that I was transitioning whether I "wanted" to or not... at that point, my focus was on managing and dealing with the risks and trying to help others get over their feelings of confusing, loss and in the case of my wife, betrayal...

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion it is trying to understand the forces that have shaped your mind resulting in "gender identity" so identifying with women as a woman.

There seems to be more than one path to gender identity.

Once again "in my opinion" the most dangerous form of "unlived gender identity" is when the child has formed a gender identity opposite their body and than suppresses it out of fear and to survive.

The child pushes their known identity down inside them and tries to destroy it by ignoring it or reacting to it by going to its opposite expression using gender role symbols but this identity is extremely strong and will assert itself regardless so it tears the person in half and they end up living against themselves.

This child will often also have sexual difficulties because of the brain/body dichotomy that affects how they can naturally use their body so sex becomes forced.

Sex is one of the ways relationships are built so the same forces that affected gender identity formation will also affect sexual relationships keeping the person not only locked outside themselves but from those they would be able to have sexual relations with if there was not this split between mind and body.

I believe that there are different "types" of gender dysphoria because there are different "types" of transsexuals and this affects the severity of the gender dysphoria because it is formed for different reasons between these "types"

If this is correct than this means that there is not one single solution to resolving the dyshoria.

The severity of it will decide the consequences and the consequences will guide the "reaction" to it so form the solution as what will work to resolve the dysphoria.

Let your pain be your guide and if it is more painful to lose a wife and family than the pain of dyshoria (unlived life as biological gender identity imprinted into the physical brain) than your pain is manageable to a degree that allows you to have a choice.

Many people have a choice of living on a spectrum of gender expression independent of the body and you may be one of them even if it still leaves you feeling unfulfilled to and in some degree.

I do not believe those whose brains were imprinted with a gender that is opposite their bodies have a choice but those who have experienced some success and comfort with the body they live in and the gender roles that come with this body may be able to bend gender without being broken by the process of bending it.

[Marleena]

I'll just add this link to reinforce Kelly's post and points.:)

http://www.avitale.com/UnlivedLives.htm

[Emma Beth]

Marleena, that is a very good article. It makes a lot of sense and a lot of what it talks about sounds so familiar.

I find everyone's answers to my questions interesting so far and I look forward to seeing and hearing from others.

I would like to clarify something though.

I am working things through and seeing the direction that I have to go. The fears are something that I have been thinking about for quite some time and since the stresses of working in my previous department at work have gone, my thoughts seem to be much clearer and I can think in a more focused manner.

The lady I now work for again isn't just my boss, she is a friend also. The two of us have an interesting balance that we keep that works. We can talk about stuff that isn't related to work when we are on break or when either of us really needs to talk to someone, so we can focus on all the work at hand and not get stressed out by outside influences.

Again, I look forward to seeing what others have to say. I also look forward to seeing what worries some of you the most.

Love and Hugs,
Liz

[Marleena]

Liz I like to use articles from credible sources. That author used common scenarios she encounters through her work to get her point across. There are other similar scenarios of course. I don't see myself progressing much further due to lack of money and my own circumstances which may be a blessing in disguise at my age. It is perfectly normal for any transitioning TS woman to worry about the risks involved. There are unforeseen situations that can come up during transition so it is best to plan and be ready. I rather see somebody be cautious than rush into transition. You'll be fine based on what you've said here. Your therapist can help you over the bumps too.

[Rachel Smith]

I agree Marleena that is an excellent article as is this thread thank you Liz for starting it.

What scared me were just the regular things job/s, friends, family, etc. But what made me act was the depression and like Bas said my own mortality. I think that is one big reason we see so many late transitioners. As Kaitlyn said,
It's not strange bas... you are spot on. Thinking about my mortality was the number one thing that brought me towards transition. When I considered the distress I felt and where I was in life, and then I thought about dying at some point and I just knew that I would regret my entire life...

That pretty much sums up how I felt, it was now or never. When I made my attempt to make sure it was never I knew it was time for action. That is what scared me the most.

You have taken action before that which is awesome and you are in therapy too. All are proper steps now just take your time. I hope the hormones do as much for you as they did for me. I found a peace I had never known within two weeks. That was when I was sure it was the correct direction for me. Whatever path they show you I hope it is as fast as mine.

I lost my wife of 28 years which made it really hard not to mention the only house I will have ever owned. My daughter hardly talks to me and yet I still feel better mentally then I ever did. Don't get me wrong it got as dark as a new moon night when I was going through the divorce. Now my life is as bright as the noon day sun. Their are still all the life things, car breaks down, bills, not enough bucks I am just able to deal with it differently now.

Hugs
Rachel

[Leah Lynn]

I received this on Facebook today: "If you don't make the time to work on creating the life you want, you're eventually going to spent a LOT of time dealing with a life you don't want." - by Kevin Ngo.

With what I've been dealing with recently, it hit me right between the eyes.

Hugs,

Leah