Billiejosehine
02-02-2014, 05:16 PM
Hello all, I have been here since Nov. of last year 2013. In that time I have posted 152 post. As I go back through my own threads I have been all over the place in my thoughts, what I want, and my emotions. I would say one thing, turn around and say another. So it can be rather confusing and seem crazy and fake to others. I'm not fake, in a normal human being, just like anyone here, going through a lot of issues in life and things I've felt with before. I have received lots of great advice since I've been here, but to clear the air, I have created this thread to share my bio/life story of what I have gone through and to really sort out everything I have written. This going to be a rather long post, so be prepared.
To begin, the name I was given at birth is William, I went by Bill until I was 20 and I went by Will up till this point. I have also chosen Billie Josephine as my female name. I'm 34 years old, have been married for 5 years (now separated), have two children; a four year old son and a two year old daughter, I work as a behaviorist for children in the autism spectrum, and I live in the Napa Valley. As an individual I have been dealing with Gender dystopia my whole life, even though I never knew I was. I'm at the point in my life where I'm going to go forward with transition and in the week I've been on my own; I've been been more happy being my true self then I have been the past 34 years. With all that has happened in my life, I'm still an emotional mess as I dwell on my past and dismantle my old male persona. I still get thoughts of doubt and I'm still affected emotionally by external factors. Thats just part of my nature and it can be a good thing, but also a bad thing.
From the time I was 3-13 I lived with my father and step mom down in La. They had moved a lot and most if the time they were loaded on drugs. I even walked in in them while doing drugs, but seemed to not care I was there. My father was never there, nor stuck up for me at all, and he still doesn't stand by me. My step mom was not the nicest person and I would get in constant fights over small things. She would constantly walk in front of me in her bra and underwear and thought it was not wrong. She also would paint me and my dad's nails with clear nail polish. I was also locked out of the house and had to wait in the back yard 2-3 hours after school before they came home and let me in. It was often dark by the time I went inside. I learned how to take care of myself and was never really able to share my thoughts and feelings with them. By the time I was 13 I could not take it anymore and asked to ice with my mom.
Now during this time at home, my school life was not so great either. Everyday I was teased and bullied for how I walked like a girl, long eye lashes, how I looked, and many other things. I could never fit in with the guys and they often would say I should hangout with the girls. But I was oblivious and didn't know any better or what was going on. What did not help with me fitting in was that I took speech, I had a individualized education plan that modified what I was taught, and I would go to a resource specialist program a good portion of the school day.
During this time not once did the thought of CD'ing, wanting to a woman, or born in the wrong body; ever crossed my mind.
From the time I was 13-18, I lived with my mom and step dad. It was during this time when things really began as far as CD'ing and wanting to be a woman first started surfacing. On several occasions I would seal my sisters clothes. I would look for any opportunity when no one was home to try on the clothes and quickly change before they got home. This created quite a few close calls. When family was home I would close and lock my door and put on a bra for a few minutes and then take it off. Over time I would wear only a bra to bed. On one occasion I left my door open for done reason and was in the middle of putting on a bra when my sister walked to her room. At that moment she looked at me, but did not say anything. Although from that point forward she would ask me to lift up my shirt. Talking to her now, she does recall that she knew I stole her clothes and it bothered her. Over time I got bolder and bolder and i once went on my paper route wearing my sisters shirt. Luckily I was wearing a jacket over it because my supervisor decided to drive by and say hi. I also attempted to go to school when I was in the 7th grade wearing panties, but I freak out when it was time for PE and forgot I was wearing panties and had to change my clothes. I do remember one time I was in PE a group of girls that were sitting on the benches near me made a comment about it and even asked if I shaved my legs because they looked like girls legs. Which I said no, my leg hair was still light and not grown in. My facial hair didn't even start growing until I was 18. At that point I never thought about shaving, but from that point I began to wonder what it would be like
As time went on my mom eventually approached me and asked if I wanted to see a councilor, but being afraid I said no and denied what I was doing. My my desire to do more got stronger and I even attempted to shave the top part of my legs. By the time I was 18 I felt the need to be the opposite gender not just dressed, but also physically.
From the time I was 18-21, I was in college. During that time, I had stopped CD'ing and my thoughts of being a woman went away. Well I shouldn't say completely, but they were their in the back of my head. I remember I wax with a group if people most of them girls and I made a comment about how my mom used to paint my nails with clear polish and so they gave me nail polish as a gift and I got all embraced, ashamed, and I freaked out.
From the time I was 21-23 I moved to Az to continue my schooling. During this time I still did not CD, but there were thoughts in the back of my mind. I eventually met this girl at a party and ended up getting into drugs, and moved in with her and her mom. While I was there we once tried to get me to wear a bra, but I freak out and said no. She also walked in on me when I was going to the bathroom and made a comment on why I sitting down to go pee.
At 23 I came back to the Bay Area and found my own place. I was still not CD'ing, but I had the thoughts and feeling in the back of my head. By the time I was 25 I was beginning to buy my first bras and dresses and I eventually was attempting to go out in public underdressed, but I was very cautious.
At the same time I was 25, I decided to move out to SF with a friend who was a girl for a year. Since I tired being by myself and they needed a roommate while in school. While I was there I began stealing some of her bras and hid them under the bed. It was also during this time I was self medicating with hormones to change my body.i also began getting envious of how woman looked and wishing I could be them. One time my friends friend thought I was gay or could turn me gay. I was even approached by this guy when I was on the bus and before I left gave me his number.
From the time I was 26-29 I moved to Vallejo with a friend and for a job. I began CD'ing in private and bought some new clothes since I got rid if the stuff I had before. I even began to shave my legs off and on during this time. I even attempted to tuck here and there. By the time I was 29, I had a falling out with my friend/roommate and he left the apartment. So for a short while I had the place to myself and was able to CD with freedom. I also had the feeling of being a woman and bought products such as hormones to change my body. But I still holding on to the idea of being a man and starting a family.
When I was 29 I met my ex I purged all my stuff never told her about my CD'ing or wanting to change my body. Within 7 months of meeting her, I moved in, conceived out first child, and got married. I continued to try and fit the role I was now in. But the feelings were still there and I went back to CD'ing and doing things to change my body. A short time after our son was born, I had my first slip-up and the relationship was about to end, but it didn't. We never talked about it and I continued to do things in secrete. But our relationship was stained and each time I had a slip-up it further put a wedge between us and we still never discussed what was going on. I continued to hide and pretend everything was okay. Eventually it became a pattern of our relationship being on the verge of divorce and them things go back to normal. And each time she would blame me for something different in why things were they were. Not a good job, not having a job, not making enough money, and many other things. Each time I would bend over backwards trying to meet her expectations and make her happy, but it was never good enough.
Finally last year I had a mental breakdown and began having suicidal thoughts. I ended up leaving the family for two months when I went to inpatient and outpatient program down to LA for mental health issues. It was also during this time when my step mom came across my journal and read it, she confronted me and then processed to tell my whole family. This was first time that anybody knew this part of me and I had to in someway accept in some way who I was. After the two months, I went back home and was told by my ex I had a year and I that I have one more chance. For a short time I was doing pretty well after coming back, but the feelings and desire came back with strong vengeance and by the end of this last year I was doing more then I have ever done in the past. I began yo also feel torn between two worlds, afraid to lose the life I created, and truly accept who I really am. And over the past few months as I told her more about my feelings and desires, what I struggled with my whole life, finding items here and there; and seeing me with shaved legs, clear nail polish on my finger nails, and wearing woman's jeans. The relationship finally came to an end.
This time around I'm on my own and not afraid of who I am. I still struggle with what I had lost because I still love her and I love my children, but I'm not the person who I thought I was. I always pretended to be someone that I thought was expected of me. Going out of my way to make others happy and then relied on their happiness so I could be happy. I'm still going through a lot of emotional turmoil and self doubt about the choices I made and all that I've been through. And as I write post and threads, I write them from where I am at that time. I'm fighting an internal battle and have ended up going all over the place. Now are these emotions and doubts I feel coming from my male persona that I had created and wants to hold on to ideal out of survival? Am I afraid of the future? Especially after creating a thread where I talk about these three girls. I know I'm the only one who can answer these questions.
To clarify what's going with a therapist. I have been seeing this lady for the past two years and as of last year I told her about my CD'ing and that in reality I feel I am a woman, always have been, but I was just in denial my whole life. After about three sessions she said she could see me for other stuff, but she felt uncomfortable discussing my gender issues, that I find a support group, and find someone more qualified. I have looking for a new therapist that works with gender issues. I have spoken to one therapist, but a couple phone calls has referred me to another therapist that can help me. They are the best when it comes to gender issues, but will not have any opening until mid Feb. in the mean tine while my current therapist is uncomfortable she is willing to site down with me for a couple sessions and see about writing me a letter. I have first of the two this week and I'm also shooting for next week for the second one. Hopefully by that time I can get a letter because that's what I want and the other gender therapist will have an opening. I have seen an endo who has created a treatment plan that I can start once she gets the letter.
At this point disregard my past post and crazy writings. Take what I say as something I feel and think as I go through my emotions. I'm open to any comments, advice, and questions.
To begin, the name I was given at birth is William, I went by Bill until I was 20 and I went by Will up till this point. I have also chosen Billie Josephine as my female name. I'm 34 years old, have been married for 5 years (now separated), have two children; a four year old son and a two year old daughter, I work as a behaviorist for children in the autism spectrum, and I live in the Napa Valley. As an individual I have been dealing with Gender dystopia my whole life, even though I never knew I was. I'm at the point in my life where I'm going to go forward with transition and in the week I've been on my own; I've been been more happy being my true self then I have been the past 34 years. With all that has happened in my life, I'm still an emotional mess as I dwell on my past and dismantle my old male persona. I still get thoughts of doubt and I'm still affected emotionally by external factors. Thats just part of my nature and it can be a good thing, but also a bad thing.
From the time I was 3-13 I lived with my father and step mom down in La. They had moved a lot and most if the time they were loaded on drugs. I even walked in in them while doing drugs, but seemed to not care I was there. My father was never there, nor stuck up for me at all, and he still doesn't stand by me. My step mom was not the nicest person and I would get in constant fights over small things. She would constantly walk in front of me in her bra and underwear and thought it was not wrong. She also would paint me and my dad's nails with clear nail polish. I was also locked out of the house and had to wait in the back yard 2-3 hours after school before they came home and let me in. It was often dark by the time I went inside. I learned how to take care of myself and was never really able to share my thoughts and feelings with them. By the time I was 13 I could not take it anymore and asked to ice with my mom.
Now during this time at home, my school life was not so great either. Everyday I was teased and bullied for how I walked like a girl, long eye lashes, how I looked, and many other things. I could never fit in with the guys and they often would say I should hangout with the girls. But I was oblivious and didn't know any better or what was going on. What did not help with me fitting in was that I took speech, I had a individualized education plan that modified what I was taught, and I would go to a resource specialist program a good portion of the school day.
During this time not once did the thought of CD'ing, wanting to a woman, or born in the wrong body; ever crossed my mind.
From the time I was 13-18, I lived with my mom and step dad. It was during this time when things really began as far as CD'ing and wanting to be a woman first started surfacing. On several occasions I would seal my sisters clothes. I would look for any opportunity when no one was home to try on the clothes and quickly change before they got home. This created quite a few close calls. When family was home I would close and lock my door and put on a bra for a few minutes and then take it off. Over time I would wear only a bra to bed. On one occasion I left my door open for done reason and was in the middle of putting on a bra when my sister walked to her room. At that moment she looked at me, but did not say anything. Although from that point forward she would ask me to lift up my shirt. Talking to her now, she does recall that she knew I stole her clothes and it bothered her. Over time I got bolder and bolder and i once went on my paper route wearing my sisters shirt. Luckily I was wearing a jacket over it because my supervisor decided to drive by and say hi. I also attempted to go to school when I was in the 7th grade wearing panties, but I freak out when it was time for PE and forgot I was wearing panties and had to change my clothes. I do remember one time I was in PE a group of girls that were sitting on the benches near me made a comment about it and even asked if I shaved my legs because they looked like girls legs. Which I said no, my leg hair was still light and not grown in. My facial hair didn't even start growing until I was 18. At that point I never thought about shaving, but from that point I began to wonder what it would be like
As time went on my mom eventually approached me and asked if I wanted to see a councilor, but being afraid I said no and denied what I was doing. My my desire to do more got stronger and I even attempted to shave the top part of my legs. By the time I was 18 I felt the need to be the opposite gender not just dressed, but also physically.
From the time I was 18-21, I was in college. During that time, I had stopped CD'ing and my thoughts of being a woman went away. Well I shouldn't say completely, but they were their in the back of my head. I remember I wax with a group if people most of them girls and I made a comment about how my mom used to paint my nails with clear polish and so they gave me nail polish as a gift and I got all embraced, ashamed, and I freaked out.
From the time I was 21-23 I moved to Az to continue my schooling. During this time I still did not CD, but there were thoughts in the back of my mind. I eventually met this girl at a party and ended up getting into drugs, and moved in with her and her mom. While I was there we once tried to get me to wear a bra, but I freak out and said no. She also walked in on me when I was going to the bathroom and made a comment on why I sitting down to go pee.
At 23 I came back to the Bay Area and found my own place. I was still not CD'ing, but I had the thoughts and feeling in the back of my head. By the time I was 25 I was beginning to buy my first bras and dresses and I eventually was attempting to go out in public underdressed, but I was very cautious.
At the same time I was 25, I decided to move out to SF with a friend who was a girl for a year. Since I tired being by myself and they needed a roommate while in school. While I was there I began stealing some of her bras and hid them under the bed. It was also during this time I was self medicating with hormones to change my body.i also began getting envious of how woman looked and wishing I could be them. One time my friends friend thought I was gay or could turn me gay. I was even approached by this guy when I was on the bus and before I left gave me his number.
From the time I was 26-29 I moved to Vallejo with a friend and for a job. I began CD'ing in private and bought some new clothes since I got rid if the stuff I had before. I even began to shave my legs off and on during this time. I even attempted to tuck here and there. By the time I was 29, I had a falling out with my friend/roommate and he left the apartment. So for a short while I had the place to myself and was able to CD with freedom. I also had the feeling of being a woman and bought products such as hormones to change my body. But I still holding on to the idea of being a man and starting a family.
When I was 29 I met my ex I purged all my stuff never told her about my CD'ing or wanting to change my body. Within 7 months of meeting her, I moved in, conceived out first child, and got married. I continued to try and fit the role I was now in. But the feelings were still there and I went back to CD'ing and doing things to change my body. A short time after our son was born, I had my first slip-up and the relationship was about to end, but it didn't. We never talked about it and I continued to do things in secrete. But our relationship was stained and each time I had a slip-up it further put a wedge between us and we still never discussed what was going on. I continued to hide and pretend everything was okay. Eventually it became a pattern of our relationship being on the verge of divorce and them things go back to normal. And each time she would blame me for something different in why things were they were. Not a good job, not having a job, not making enough money, and many other things. Each time I would bend over backwards trying to meet her expectations and make her happy, but it was never good enough.
Finally last year I had a mental breakdown and began having suicidal thoughts. I ended up leaving the family for two months when I went to inpatient and outpatient program down to LA for mental health issues. It was also during this time when my step mom came across my journal and read it, she confronted me and then processed to tell my whole family. This was first time that anybody knew this part of me and I had to in someway accept in some way who I was. After the two months, I went back home and was told by my ex I had a year and I that I have one more chance. For a short time I was doing pretty well after coming back, but the feelings and desire came back with strong vengeance and by the end of this last year I was doing more then I have ever done in the past. I began yo also feel torn between two worlds, afraid to lose the life I created, and truly accept who I really am. And over the past few months as I told her more about my feelings and desires, what I struggled with my whole life, finding items here and there; and seeing me with shaved legs, clear nail polish on my finger nails, and wearing woman's jeans. The relationship finally came to an end.
This time around I'm on my own and not afraid of who I am. I still struggle with what I had lost because I still love her and I love my children, but I'm not the person who I thought I was. I always pretended to be someone that I thought was expected of me. Going out of my way to make others happy and then relied on their happiness so I could be happy. I'm still going through a lot of emotional turmoil and self doubt about the choices I made and all that I've been through. And as I write post and threads, I write them from where I am at that time. I'm fighting an internal battle and have ended up going all over the place. Now are these emotions and doubts I feel coming from my male persona that I had created and wants to hold on to ideal out of survival? Am I afraid of the future? Especially after creating a thread where I talk about these three girls. I know I'm the only one who can answer these questions.
To clarify what's going with a therapist. I have been seeing this lady for the past two years and as of last year I told her about my CD'ing and that in reality I feel I am a woman, always have been, but I was just in denial my whole life. After about three sessions she said she could see me for other stuff, but she felt uncomfortable discussing my gender issues, that I find a support group, and find someone more qualified. I have looking for a new therapist that works with gender issues. I have spoken to one therapist, but a couple phone calls has referred me to another therapist that can help me. They are the best when it comes to gender issues, but will not have any opening until mid Feb. in the mean tine while my current therapist is uncomfortable she is willing to site down with me for a couple sessions and see about writing me a letter. I have first of the two this week and I'm also shooting for next week for the second one. Hopefully by that time I can get a letter because that's what I want and the other gender therapist will have an opening. I have seen an endo who has created a treatment plan that I can start once she gets the letter.
At this point disregard my past post and crazy writings. Take what I say as something I feel and think as I go through my emotions. I'm open to any comments, advice, and questions.