Struggling with my identity

[Tiffanyselkoe]

I have been on this forum for awhile and,more than once, stated I was perfectly happy being a guy. In hindsight I guess I was trying to convince myself. Sometimes I feel trapped in my desire to live in a gender I feel I am more in tune with and the guilt I feel with hurting my wife or children. I wonder if transgender therapists are any help in this area. My wife has been so good to me and I want to be there for her and give her what she needs but sometimes I feel like I am trying to push aside a part of myself that keeps me sane. Do I put everyone else's needs over my own. My wife has helped with compromise and I hate to be selfish. I don't think it is just about the clothes, but that there is a big part of myself that identifies with being female. Just wondering if anyone has had these issues and how they dealt with them. Just feeling confused and a little out of sorts right now. :sad:

[PaulaQ]

Hi Tiffany. Many of us have had the exact same experience of trying to convince ourselves that we are something we know inside that we are not - men. I suppressed this stuff until last year, when I realized "Hmmm, it isn't normal to be anxiety ridden, depressed, and planning boating accidents for yourself in your spare time," feelings that were only mitigated when I CDed.

And I can certainly relate to the guilt of hurting your wife and children. Actually, if you are trans, your kids are liable to get over it. Your wife - probably not. You may be lucky on that - some are, but few women can deal with a transitioning spouse.

You have to decide what your needs are first. A gender therapist can definitely help you explore this in a safe way. It's not selfish to be who you really are. In my case, I had little choice - I was so miserable that I was suicidal. You don't want to wait until it's this bad to figure out what's going on with your gender. (Hopefully, it never gets that bad - for many it does not.)

I ultimately dealt with my issues by:
- seeing a gender therapist
- coming out to my wife
- separating from my wife (tons o' drama omitted)
- starting HRT and transition

I'm not saying these are things you should do - not at all - other than seeing a gender therapist to explore your gender identity.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

Hi Paula. Thank you for your insight. I do have a quick question which I have thought about a lot. I am 45 years old now and I see many young people who are transgendered. Did you ever feel trapped and that it was too late in the game for a transition?

[PaulaQ]

That's a good question Tiffany - I don't really think about my age much. Yeah, it sucks that I missed a lot of my life as a woman. But I bet I live another 30-35 years. That's a long time to hate the face that looked back at me in the mirror.

I can only try to make the most out of the time I have left. Since I'd have had 0 years left as a man, anything I get is a win, isn't it?

45 is not too late, I know a number of transitioners in their 40's .

[Katey888]

Tiffany,
I've come across a concept here recently I think it might be worth you having a think about - it's certainly helped me.

The concept is of gender variance. Simply, some of us are either born (or develop very early) with an ability to be comfortable, or sometimes an actual need, to present ourselves as both masculine and feminine. That need is what drives us to CD - it doesn't go away - it's like we actually need both parts to be normal, comfortable, content. Current therapy might help you to come to some sort of acceptance, or you might just run into the issue that many have where gender is just misunderstood. I think there is room for us to reach acceptance ourselves, if we have a concept that can provide some explanation as to why we seem to want to be both genders, and yet are happy being men.

I don't say this will help your wife right off - it's a radical concept to grasp. But just think about it a bit. To me, it's like being born with a sixth finger (polydactyly) - you can't do anything about, 500 years ago might have got you drowned or hanged as a witch, but it means you can wear more rings than anyone else :) - but it doesn't change who you are as a person. It does, however, make you different!

Have a think.... you sound to me like you're being a good husband to your wife - don't change that... :hugs:

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Tiffany,

Gender identity is a tricky subject as I am finding out while working with a gender identity therapist. I had similar questions as you and though "Hmmm perhaps I am more right of CD than I thought". The therapist was a big help in bringing order to chaos when it came to my identity. In working with her, we realized that while I might be slightly right of the CD line I am still a guy in my heart of hearts but my requirement to express both genders (completely) is part of who I am. As Katey indicated it is this gender variance concept. Now I am not saying your are not TS or you are, but I agree that a gender identity therapist can help answer those questions you need answered.

Hugs

Isha

[Kate Simmons]

We are who we are. It's not going to go away. We may find the need to talk to someone to help manage it. Mostly therapists are sounding boards for us. We have to make any crucial decisions ourselves. Good luck my friend.:)

[Tiffanyselkoe]

Gender variance is something to consider. When I look in the mirror I don't hate what I see but I have a strong desire for feminine expression. I do think talking to a therapist might help organize all the clutter in my masculine/feminine mind. I kind of look at myself as a tomboy so to speak. I have revealed myself to my wife and kids and don't want to do anything to damage the support they have all given me. My wife has told me that however I dress is fine with her as long as I don't act like another person. I have no desire to do that, I just want to be myself whoever that is. I do feel I have, until the last year or so, tried to hide my female identity at the expense of my own happiness. I do wonder if it is a good idea to include a SO in insight given with therapy if they are supportive. I want to be able to be 100 percent me for my family and myself rather than feel I have to restrain a feminine part of me that needs out. I suppose there are no easy answers. Thanks everyone :)

[Beverley Sims]

Tiffany,
reading through all the replies here, I do not think you are alone.
Take Kate's answer, "We are who we are." that in itself is not a definitive answer, she mentions therapists and the important line here is, "We have to make any crucial decisions ourselves.
In other words make up your own mind.

Isha has been to a therapist for guidance and I would say reinforcement of what she thinks.

Katey has a different spin on things but does give good advice.
"Have a think.... you sound to me like you're being a good husband to your wife - don't change that..."

Paula takes two stabs at this and has eventually taken the high road.

I have just answered your second post here as well.
Good for you.
Maybe if there had been more knowledge years ago we all may have gone the same way.
I know I reached a fork in the road and may have taken the wrong turning.

I have a little book that I take around the world and collect little stamps in it.

It has a photo of me, my apparent sexual orientation is mentioned and the place where I was born.

My next little book does not even have the sexual orientation on it as authorities have deemed that is confusing to some.

My answer is....
Will we ever know. :)

[Aprilrain]

No easy answers and no easy solutions.

I never felt "trapped in a mans body" or "hated my penis" I just always wanted to be a girl but thought it was an absurd and clearly impossible fantasy. The problem was the feelings just got worse with time. Finally the distress became so bad I wanted to die. Transition was the only solution for me.

BTW I was 34 when I started transition. 5 years before that I was sure I was too old to transition. It never too late to start.

Your old passport says wether you're heterosexual or homosexual?? Or do you mean it lists your sex?

Mine says female

[devida]

I think one of the great problems with the varieties of human gender is that language, culture, society and, in some cases, law force us to think continuously in a binary way - either man or woman and never the two shall meet. But gender isn't really like that. It is only like that on the extremes of hyper masculine men and hyper feminine women. Effeminate men are quite common. I am one. Masculine women are also quite common. My wife is one. But society and culture finds this type of blurring uncomfortable and our inner critics, developed over long periods of gender socialization, always want to force binary choices. This is part of the reason that gender therapy is so useful. It is a method where you can explore this variety without being forced, constantly, by elements external to yourself to hurry up and decide what you are. Are you a man or a woman; for god's sake, hurry up and choose. Everyone engaged in this process of understanding their true identity will tell you to allow matters to resolve in a way that is as natural and true to yourself as it can be. You do sound, Tiffany, like someone who has an accepting and supportive home environment. Allow yourself the time to find your place on the gender spectrum, which, by the way, doesn't have to be fixed - it can be fluid. And by all means get to a good gender therapist who can help structuring this exploration. Discovering your true nature does not have to be an agonizing process. You can, in a supportive environment like you have, have a lot of fun!