"Transitioning" from Cross dresser to Trans ...when did it happen to you.

[CTCDTV]

Obviously, this might not apply to many of you, but for those that this does apply to:

At what point in your life did you realize your "trans" status? What was your experience around that realization?

Thanks!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I was totally blind to my "nature" for 45 years...even though my crossdressing and thinking about crossdressing was overwhelming my life, I was highly functioning...

I never allowed myself for one moment to consider the possibility that transitioning to live as a woman was remotely possible and this thought guided and protected me. I was deeply repressed, but a better word for it may be compartmentalized...
I was just able to put it out of mind..

For many years there were signs and behavior I ignored... I obsessively surfed Lynn Conway's website and read the same articles over and over...

One day I stumbled over this article http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

That one article put a knife in my brain...it was my life...it was agony... around the same time I was divorced and my boss of 20 years announced his retirement... and that as they say was that... from the moment I read that article I knew what was going to happen...it took 2 years to get to a point where I started HRT and my transition in earnest...

I hope that helps...

[Laura28]

That's a tough one for me been dressing all my life off and on but in the last few years the urge is more then ever before and I have thoughts of wanting to have breast and wonder if I could do full time. However I know I couldn't look like the woman I would want to be and because of that I don't think I would ever go full time. I also worry about my family and the change in life am I willing to give all that up probaly not. That said u never know were this road is going to take you. If you aske me a few years ago that I would dress fully as often as I can keep my self shaved all year rounding would have said no. Time will tell I guess.

[Angela Campbell]

My earliest memories were wanting to be a girl. I thought it impossible for a long time, then I thought I could never do it, then....I did it.

There is not a single day of my life I didn't want to be a girl.

["Mary"]

What the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?

About 3 years! Ha ha ha!

Just joking. Not always the case. but it's funny because there's a kernel of truth there.

[Angela Campbell]

In a lot of cases the difference is .....a wife.

[melissakozak]

Serious self exploration was key for me with a gender counselor to help me realize who I was and what I needed. I honestly believe GD exists on a spectrum of sorts, and where one might fall on the spectrum determines the needs of the individual and since it is an individual experience, each person must find on her own what she needs to do. For me, self acceptance that being 'transgender' is who I am, not what I do, has meant a lot for me as far as gaining an inner sense of peace. I have trans friends all along the transition spectrum...from just hormones to full SRS, and everyone of them is living life as she sees fit...regardless of what others think....each of us arrived where we are through self realization....peace, Melissa.

[dreamer_2.0]

My realization happened fairly recently, just within the last few months. Up till then I figured I was just a depressed guy who CD'd sporadically (though getting increasingly rare) but wished he was a girl everyday, like Angela said above. I was, and still am, angry with GGs because they were born correctly whereas I wasn't. I'm ashamed of this anger because they didn't do anything to be born GG, just like I didn't do anything (I don't think) to have these trans feelings. I have no right to be mad at them...

I hadn't heard of GD until several months ago so I never considered the depression and my desire to be female connected. Well, that's not entirely accurate, I suppose I had a feeling but was too embarrassed to let it surface and therefore never took it seriously enough until now.

Even after being introduced to GD I didn't initially think I had it "bad enough" to be considered trans. But after reading a lot, watching video accounts and speaking with trans-women, I started to see many commonalities shared.

I'm still skeptical of my being trans but that could just be remnants of denial. All the pieces appear to fit and despite expressing several doubts to my therapist she believes these female feelings/desires are deep within my core self. If I'm not trans then what else could I be?

[Dianne S]

I just posted a thread about this: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?208950-Walking-off-the-cliff&p=3428785#post3428785

47 years old.

[Jorja]

For me it never happened. I was never a CDer. I was always a girl, just in the wrong damn body. I tried to tell them and nobody would listen. I went back to the baby factory to find out how this could happen and what to do about it. They were closed up, windows and door boarded up, out of business. So, I did the best I could and when I could afford it, I bought aftermarket parts and had severe bodywork done to create the masterpiece in my mind. Sometimes you got to do what needs to be done.

[Kathryn Martin]

What the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?

About 3 years! Ha ha ha!

Just joking. Not always the case. but it's funny because there's a kernel of truth there.

What, no one? Really? This is neither funny, nor is there any truth to this kernel or otherwise. This is a tired old meme used by white middle aged m** to justify a breakout into fantasy land.

Oh and by the way OP, there is no such thing as "transitioning from crossdresser to trans...." It is an insult to those who actually transition. I would call it rolling from one fantasy into another.

[whowhatwhen]

I'm actually pretty sure a few members here started out in the CD section and ended up transitioning.
It's not guaranteed but I can see people opening up more with lots of soul searching to come to terms with what they've always known.

[dreamer_2.0]

I thought that joke was kind of funny.

Also, in my humble opinion, kudos to the OP for asking an interesting question that shows how all our journeys are different and there many paths to take in discovering yourself. Perhaps there are an infinite number of paths as there are an infinite number of gender expressions.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

What, no one? Really? This is neither funny, nor is there any truth to this kernel or otherwise.

Pot, kettle, black. I've been around long enough to know that there's a lot of truth to it. What happens is a middle aged upper class transperson who has identified as CD for years, hits the certain age, begins soul searching and acknowledging the feelings they always had. And since they have the money/socioeconomic clout to pull it off, they bankroll a reasonably quick transition trying to maintain as much as their previous status as they can. Easier for academia than others, but lawyers and doctors pull it off too.


Oh and by the way OP, there is no such thing as "transitioning from crossdresser to trans...." It is an insult to those who actually transition. I would call it rolling from one fantasy into another.

Perhaps you don't like the wording, but it does describe what happens. Perhaps saying "Crossdresser figuring out they're transsexual" is better? I know you're sensitive on this, for various reasons.


I'm actually pretty sure a few members here started out in the CD section and ended up transitioning.

More than a few.


It's not guaranteed but I can see people opening up more with lots of soul searching to come to terms with what they've always known.

Indeed.

Veronica

[I Am Paula]

It's a matter of self perception. For thirty years I called myself a crossdresser. I knew deep down it was bigger than that, but denial being what it is, saying I was just a CD helped me sleep at night. About 17 years ago my CDing started escalating. I just started dressing and acting, and, in general trying to be a woman. I would dismiss it every time it crept into my mind that I wanted to transition. I was still just a CD, right? I could go back anytime. Wrong. As the ultimate form of CDing, I went full time, thinking this would quiet the demons that were stirring in me. This made things MUCH worse. The GD grew, and all I was seeing in the mirror was a guy dressed as a girl. It was becoming apparent that I needed to change on a more real, cellular level, and stop playing the part, and BE the part. Still, I carried on, as the GD became unbearable, thinking I could fix myself...Hmmm maybe if I got boobs. Still in denial.

Not being out to my parents, I reluctantly got on my guy gear to go to my own birthday party with them. Seeing myself in drab burst the dam, and I knew it was out of control, my life was out of control, and I was faced with the ultimate TS dilemma- Fix it, or End it. I had a very sloppy breakdown right in front of my sister.

Had I been a CD, and evolved into TS? Or was I TS all along? Arguing that is semantics.

[Marleena]

I liked Kaitlyn's link since since #3 is very similar to my own experience. When I started here I hadn't even worn a wig, makeup, or breast forms. A former member Julia_inPa told me I was a woman but I didn't get it until a second bout of GD was triggered.

I'll use Anne Vitale for this information below. From her website:

CATEGORY 3. Crossdressing vs Transsexualism

Oh I should point out the question posed here was from her mailbag and you can see the question is not properly worded. She did reply to it though.

1. What is difference between a male cross dresser and a man wanting to be a woman?

Original link: http://www.avitale.com/FAQ.htm

I have never met a genetic male who has gone on to transition to the female gender role that did not start out as a cross dresser. However, it does not mean that every genetic male that cross dresses will go on to transition. Keep in mind that cross dressing is a temporary way for a genetic male to experience femaleness. For some genetic males that short period of experiencing the feminine complements their sense of being male. They may make some minor modifications of their body to enhance their feminine appearance when dressed such as beard and body hair removal but they have no difficulty holding on to their core sense of being male.

Genetic males who eventually go on to transition permanently to the female gender role (transsexuals) on the other hand, cross dress to ease gender expression deprivation. Dressing is serious business for these individuals. It is only during these cross dressing periods that they can find a sense of wholeness. Unlike the cross dresser described above, transsexuals have little or no love for their alienated sense of masculinity and they are more then willing to give up its influence on their lives via hormones and surgery.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The statement that a person would transition from man, from CD, etc to ts gets a bad rap for being politically incorrect but it aptly describes what happened to me (IN MY OWN MIND)....looking back I can say that I was coping with being a woman by everything I tried to do prior to living as one....simply stated, calling oneself a CD does not preclude anything.

crossdressing for me was at first very fantastical and innocent, then it felt very sexual, and then it got really monotonous and boring because I was confused and trapped, and then it got super intense and then it became super important and I basically lived no life outside of work and "dressing"..and then it became like a nightmare and I started to consider why life was worth living... all that time , I thought to myself that I was a crossdresser...that I couldn't be transsexual because ...(fill in blank)....

I get that its not really true that a cd transitions into being ts....and I get that the joke was very far from funny ...if the difference between a cd and ts is 3 years, it likely will be the worst 3 years of your life...

[Kelly DeWinter]

I guess for me , when I really understood the differences between the two. Identity is very important to me, how I think and view myself as a person. I've long ago given up the notion that clothing has anything to do with gender identity, although it can be very important for expressing ones gender.

[KellyJameson]

The clothes can be a tool for self discovery and to create the outward illusion of a inward reality. I mostly skipped over the clothes and looked for ways to change my body starting around puberty by wearing my hair long and trying to remove body and facial hair of which I fortunately did not have much because waxing hurts and electro is expensive.

I used the clothes as the dypshoria deepened but it turns into a unhealthy dependency because the clothes are "outside you" where what you really want is to change the inside "as the body" so the clothes torment you much like being in a wheelchair torments someone who wants the freedom to walk and run.

The clothes attack your need of and sense of integrity and authenticity. Two words that are extremely powerful and important when you are in the grip of gender dysphoria because you are always living contrary to them.

I never had a erotic interest in myself "as turning myself into the image of a woman" which seems to be very common among crossdressers nor did I have any interest in turning myself into a sexual object for others by creating "the illusion of a woman"

For me it was always about my mind absolutely and unequivocally knowing myself as a woman even while spending considerable emotional resources denying it because really who in their right mind needs those kinds of problems.

I could use the clothes in such a way that it would temporarily reduce the dysphoria but it is like using alcohol to forget your problems and than afterwards all the problems are still there plus the hangover.

Clothes are a double edged sword so they may bring relief but they cut as well.

When you suffer from gender dysphoria the mind craves reality, not illusion and I have known transsexuals who even after everything is finished to the best medical science can offer still mourn not being able to become pregnant.

There is no perfect solution and if you are honest with yourself transitioning is still a compromise.

On some level you must accept aspects of your physical birth circumstances.

I'm actually more interested in clothes now because I do not feel fake when I wear them and the attention is kind of nice (sometimes)

[kimdl93]

I see cross dressing as a behavior...a physical act that can mean different things to different people. Only four years ago, I would have characterized myself simply as a cross dresser. That self assessment changed as I came to realize, gradually, that I could actually dress and present myself as a woman in public...something clicked with the full realization. Suddenly what I'd relegated to fantasy seemed attainable. It's hard to pinpoint the moment, but that part of the evolution took only a matter of weeks....after decades feeling it could never be.

Now, several years later I characterize myself as a middle pather, although I spend most of my non working life en femme. I'm ALS quite comfortable acknowledging that I'm TG. I do not consider myself TS, although I lean a bit more in that direction . Over time, I do hope to continue expanding the female side of my life and limiting the male obligations. I've been surprised so often in the past four years....I quit making predictions!

[steph1964]

Although I have memories of wanting to be a girl back to when I was 4 years old, I never understood it as being transsexual. I crossdressed all my life but there was an enormous amount of shame a guilt attached to it. I couldn't think of anything except needing to dress but when I did I hated myself for doing it. I never allowed myself to think past that point. The realization that I was transsexual was a devastating blow, and took over a year to accept. I was happily married to a wife who accepted my occasional crossdressing; I had a great career and a family. I would think that no one in real life is actually a transsexual; they are just on line and on TV. I was even scared to read the transsexual posts here.

But a few years ago it became clear that the dressing wasn't enough. No matter how many times I dressed and went out, the depression and dysphoria continued to get worse. I started having stress related medical problems and severe depression until I got to the point that I decided that I needed to accept it or it would kill me.

I have been on HRT for almost a year and completely full time for five months. What is ironic is that dressing very feminine, in dresses and heels, never diminished my dysphoria while I was crossdressing. But living authentically as a woman I happily wear jeans and sweats and the dysphoria is completely gone.

[Jessicah]

I started cross dressing at the age of about 5, give or take. I started dressing at that age not because I wanted to be a girl, but because deep down, I knew that I was a girl. Also remember thinking that at some point my body would transform into a females when I got older... Oh how I wish that were the case.

For these next few sentences I want to apologize in advance, because I know now that there are varying degrees on the identity scale and I have absolutely no intention of insulting anyone. But in my mid 20's I considered men in drag as a demeaning, derogatory display and grossly fetishistic portrayal of females. Something that caused me to take offense at their actions even though I presented outwardly as male. Of course there are CD'ers who probably went on to identify as TG, and those who suppressed their own identity and were only able to understand it later in life. But again, for me, it was something I always knew.

[Michelle789]

The realization that I'm trans was a gradual and painful process.

As a kid I knew I was a girl on the inside, wanted to be a girl on the outside, and acted like a girl, and my parents did everything they could to repress such behavior. But I was a boy and was supposed to accept that so I just tried to be "me" as best as I can, and being a boy/man wasn't easy for me.

I started cross-dressing as a teenager, and CDed for both sexual gratification and for comfort.

My cross-gender behavior extended beyond the clothes and was noticed by everyone around me. I'm not sure in what way I still act femininely but it may be gestures or personality traits. It's not the way I talk though, I talk like a tech guy. In fact today I thought of at least 10 stereotypically female personality traits I possess and may be frequently or intermittently shown to the world. I also feel like I react and think like a female.

I always felt like I was a girl on the inside, and had many such moments throughout my life. I never truly identified as male and thought I was just me, but always secretly fantasized about being a woman.

I thought I was just a cross-dresser for years, until the GD started going on steroids four years ago.

In 2010, the GD began to go on steroids, but our "year without a summer" in LA blocked it as I was disappointed about our un-California like weather that year. I really became obsessed with weather.

In 2011, the year without a summer passed, and my GD went on steroids for real. I believe my obsession with weather was a way of coping with and was one of two final attempts to deny who I really am.

My desire to be female grew stronger and stronger as the psychic pressured me into dating and manning up. I think the second of two final attempts to deny who I really am was me participating in the psychic's man up games, although she really screwed with my mind and contributed towards worsening the GD.

A few key moments helped me to realize who I really am.
1. I hate the male gender role. When the psychic told me that some of the younger women want the men to stay at home and be househusbands, that didn't register with me, because I am not a man, and she refused to acknowledge that. I don't want to be a stay at home man. I am a woman and want to be true to myself. It's about identity first, gender roles second. (Jul 25, 2012)

2. I am slowly realizing that I really do dress for comfort more and more, and that my fetish behavior is slowly disappearing.

3. When I started a thread about male privilege, and a white male CD from the Netherlands attacked my viewpoint as being that of a white male, and that night I couldn't sleep, I prayed to God that I would die in a plane crash when I travel for Christmas, and I sent this person a PM saying that I wanted my male privilege to be amputated. (Dec 9, 2013)

P.S. I don't believe that CDs are a completely different phenomena from being TS, nor do I believe that most CDs are on a train to transville. I believe CDs suffer from a mild form of GD that can be controlled with cross-dressing, although it does worsen over the years. Many transwomen may start off as cross-dressers and may show cross-gender expression in ways aside from the clothes, but we feel a deep sense that we are really internally women and cross-dressing (or other cross-gender expressions) are just ways to cope with the GD until it no longer works, and transition is a must.




When you suffer from gender dysphoria the mind craves reality, not illusion and I have known transsexuals who even after everything is finished to the best medical science can offer still mourn not being able to become pregnant.


It's sad, but we've come a long way in terms of medical science and trans acceptance from 20 years ago.

I've read posts about transwomen being sad about not being able to be pregnant also a way of validating your female identity. Some cis-women who can't get pregnant have this kind of sadness too.



There is no perfect solution and if you are honest with yourself transitioning is still a compromise.


Everything in life is a compromise. Even how California got it's shape was a compromise. I'm sure compromises went into building this forum, and all marriages are based on compromise.



On some level you must accept aspects of your physical birth circumstances.


Agreed. However, any thing to help bring our bodies into congruence with our minds is better than living in misery, living a fake life as a male, or being dead. I once saw a documentary about a transgender child. The interviewers asked her mom how she feels about her child being trans and losing her son. She said that she'd rather have a living transgender daughter than a dead son.


Even after being introduced to GD I didn't initially think I had it "bad enough" to be considered trans. But after reading a lot, watching video accounts and speaking with trans-women, I started to see many commonalities shared.

Me too. Every time I saw a documentary about transition or heard a story about someone that a friend (or friend of a friend) knew it always struck a raw nerve and I secretly wished I could have the opportunity to transition. Starting in late 2012 I started to read about TS women, read stories, saw videos and documentaries, and eventually I joined this forum and started speaking with the transwomen on this site. I saw the commonalities too with both the transwomen on this forum, in videos I watched, and in other stories I read elsewhere.


P.S. I also hear about the whole wanting to be a girl vs I knew I was a girl. To me there's really no difference. Whether I wanted to be a girl or knew I was a girl are just different expressions of the same thing. I see it as I knew I was a girl on the inside, but I wanted to be a girl on the outside.

[KayleeTaylor]

Jessicah, you don't say if you have transitioned or if you are even still CDing, all that I know for certain is you are very insulting.


I think I knew that joining this site meant transition was coming. I didn't stay in the M2F CD section for very long. So I let the real me come rushing out. November 2013 - started going to support groups, December 1, 2013 - started seeking therapy. Dec 25, 2013 - came out to some family. Jan 1, 2014 - started going out daily. Jan 15 2014 - came out on male facebook. Jan 20, 2014 - came out to neighbors, mailman and anyone else who I interact with. Feb 3, 2014 - gave away every single male thing I had and went fulltime. Today I got my pic re-taken for my license. Tomorrow I am getting a new school ID and then I am going to start the name changing process. I want to start HRT right now, but the endo at the VA wants me to be fulltime for 6 months first. I want to be on HRT for 2 years before I decide if I need any additional surgeries. So, after it's all said and done, my transition will take about 3 years.

[Barbara Ella]

This all began very late in life for me (65 yrs) just over two years ago. I now know/suspect what was suppressing my true nature, but it was a shock to me at 65 to find a desire to dress as a woman, fully. Just starting out, this behavior could be nothing more than crossdressing, what did I know. My wife could not understand a man wearing female clothing. within a year the peace of clothing was replaced by the feelings that clothes was not what was necessary, and was replaced by the knowledge that I was a woman regardless of what I was wearing or doing. That began the distress and GD as I looked at my life and realized the signs were there but ignored. The wife understands and accepts this as something she can believe would happen..."You should have been born a woman, but something happened." I don't know there was a transition, but there was definitely a developing awareness of what was really needed to stay sane. I have no idea how far it will progress, but it is a work in progress.

Barbara

[Jessicah]

Thank you Kaylee,

It's possible I might be slightly concerned that you think I'm "very insulting". But I would only entertain that thought if I hadn't specifically stated in my previous comment,

"For these next few sentences I want to apologize in advance, because I know now that there are varying degrees on the identity scale and I have absolutely no intention of insulting anyone."

Especially since I stated that is what my opinion was in my mid 20's. I certainly hope that in 2014 we're all still entitled to our own opinions, but I'm sure it's just wishful thinking on my part.

Thanks again.

[PaulaQ]

@CTCDTV - why do you ask your question?

It is not inevitable, despite the joke that all CDs will transition. Indeed most won't.

Cross Dressing is a form of cross gender behavior that is a strong indicator that one is trans, but it is by no means conclusive proof of it. It's simply evidence in favor of it. There are plenty of trans women who never CDed, there are plenty who did. (Or perhaps the 5 year olds who crossdress and identify as girls are living out a fantasy?!? Seems unlikely.)

Crossdressing is a symptom, that's it. There are many different symptoms that help indicate one is trans, there are enough of them that two different trans women can present rather different symptoms, at least on the surface.

[Starling]

The balance tipped for me years ago, when I was 35, but I didn't realize it at the time. A female friend dressed me in her clothes, shoes and wig and made me up. Although I had been dressing partially since childhood, I had never been fully "turned out" like that, and when I looked into the mirror on her door, I saw me for the first time. It only took another 25-plus years to learn and accept that I was a woman, and had been all my life. It was a great relief to feel certainty after years of shame and confusion, even though the question of what to do with this self-knowledge is still wide open.

I did HRT under medical supervision for two months, and loved it, but then I had to stop for health reasons. So if I do transition, it will probably have to be without hormones and without surgery. Under those circumstances, and at my age, would it be worth throwing everything else away? We'll see.

:) Lallie

[Aprilrain]

In a lot of cases the difference is .....a wife.
I thought that's what separated middle pathers from full on transition:battingeyelashes:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

...............................

[Robbin_Sinclair]

What, no one? Really? This is neither funny, nor is there any truth to this kernel or otherwise. This is a tired old meme used by white middle aged m** to justify a breakout into fantasy land.

Oh and by the way OP, there is no such thing as "transitioning from crossdresser to trans...." It is an insult to those who actually transition. I would call it rolling from one fantasy into another.

Being humorous is always dangerous on a topic like this. And being insulted and speaking for a very wide spectrum of the world population is also being on thin ice.

The point of this post is to try to bring happiness into the discussion. And to save it because it is so meaningful. If I post, I can find it. And I am trying to make this topic a joyous one for all of us.

I've lived an unhappy life and I don't want to do that anymore. But that's just me. One person, an older white (stereotyped) male trying to live a thoughtful life.

Namaste :hugs: robbin

[LeaP]

This is one of those threads about the implications of language. I have always been of the school that maintains that language matters.

In this case, where there are objections, the gist is that the language being used (particularly transition-related language) easily carries over into connotations on the nature of transsexuality. Veronica Moonlit hit on this in her response to Kathryn when she asked whether she would prefer alternative language. She did not, however, address Kathryn's actual point, which was conceptual.

I don't find the use of "transitioning from CD to TS" insulting, exactly. I do think it undermines the significance of transition. I haven't even transitioned yet. But I am in transition planning and I can tell you that it is hell to live already in many respects. By contrast, the brief period following my coming out to my spouse when I identified briefly as a cross-dresser (for lack of anything better at that point) was sunshine and daisies by comparison. So was the period following the realization and acceptance that I am TS. It started hitting the fan when I decided to transition.

Real, substantive differences between life-long cross-dressers, gender-variant people, and transsexuals have become obvious to me. This despite a few shared characteristics, too. They are different conditions with different management regimens and resolutions. I am aware that many who hold this views did not arrive at it until they realized they were TS themselves. But the fact is that those of us who do hold them, hold them honestly, the conviction coming of our own experiences, including when comparing them to others during our "CD" periods (so-called).

Moreover, this is not the view of a tiny minority among TS, though by no means universal. The differences go to the profound nature of transition itself, elements to which even pre-ops on HRT can relate to a degree. That's where the objections to the language start in a TS forum (not a TG forum) when someone talks about "transitioning" from CD to TG.

Language matters.

[traci_k]

Like many here, I knew from about the age of 9 or 10 that I wanted to be a girl. I remember the afternoon vividly when I asked my mother when the things on my chest would grow likes hers. I was devastated when she said they wouldn’t because I was a boy like my dad. Until then I had just considered myself a kid with boy and girl playmates but I was often more comfortable playing with the girls but I also had my boy toys which I would play with other boys. But after the question incident I just continued on as there was nothing I could do, but pray to God that he would fix me that I would one day wake up a girl. About that time two other things occurred, mom would leave her nylons hanging over the shower rod to dry and I tried them on and they felt oooohhh so good and I started crossdressing, and I also heard about Christine Jorgenson and the notion of a woman trapped in a man’s body and when I heard that, my first thought was – “That’s me!” But that was like 1965 or 1966 and I can’t remember if I ever told anyone because admitting something that just wasn’t acceptable. But with no change apparently in sight, I just resigned myself to live as well as I could, not be a sissy and just try to get along.
I told my first wife I was a crossdresser and tried many things to make enough money to be able to afford to transition But first marriage ended.
Long story short, started meeting other women and it seemed were all Christians so I got “saved,” purged again and thought I was cured. But I wasn’t, feelings of wanting to become a woman came back and as I got older, realizing time was running out, GD kicked in with a vengeance and wanted to die. Fortunately found this site. Found out more about GD and got into therapy and quit denying and got the letter recommending HRT but I haven’t been able to pull the pin and end this marriage because of a 15 YO son and a wife who will never accept.
So it was never CD crossing into TG, and I won’t say transsexual in deference to some of the other girls who I admire and respect for the courage of their convictions who have transitioned or are in the process.
Like most I think we know and CDing is just an intermediate step.

[PaulaQ]

I wonder if the OP will be back?

[whowhatwhen]

One thing is that at least crossdressers are allowed to be happy once in a while.

[Megan G]

My belief is I did not transition from Crossdresser to trans, instead I just finally accepted who I was inside. Like many others I can remember wishing/wanting to be a girl at a very young age but buried it deep down inside as I figured it was impossible or just a pipe dream. I also never once researched the labels to see what the difference between a TS and a CD was.

Trish..

[Starling]

Yeah, when I thought I was a CD my biggest worry was being caught. Now my twin challenge is to forget how wonderful I felt when I was on the transition path--getting gender counseling, working with an MTF endo, undergoing HRT and coming out to close friends--and learn to survive without the rainbow. As guilt-ridden and conflicted as I was for most of my life, closet CDing seemed to treat what was ailing me. Now it just reminds me of how stuck I am.

:) Lallie

[StephanieC]

I think once you start HRT, you've gone beyond CDing.

[Vanessa Rose]

I stumbled onto this thread and can't stop reading. Fascinating....

I am TG where on the spectrum...is still to be determined. For me to admit that I would want to change genders was unthinkable... but I don't know these days...

Questions: I hope I don't insult and certainly don't mean to offend...

1. did you know you wanted to be a female from the beginning... I knew I was hooked at age 5 with CD'ing... I would consider these to be connected with gender awareness but not in significance.. I just don't know... thoughts?

2. from my limited understanding... internally this conflict goes on and can be pushed aside for many but then... is triggered or whatever and then wham... must be expressed..

3. I don't feel i want to address the family issues nor the friend issues...so that must mean that I am not there yet ? or maybe not at all.... thoughts?

4. did any of you remain married or with your partner during your transitions? did it destroy everything in your paths?

5. I don't mean to sound bad...but I find there is great pain in being TS. thoughts on this..? has it been worth the trouble..? how do you know?

Sorry.... I am going to continue to read this again and again.. have to say, for me, this is the best post thread on this forum... at least the most impactfull for me...

Vanessa

[Michelle789]

Nobody chooses to be TS. Yes, there is great pain in being TS. You don't have a choice in whether or not you're TS. You're born that way, if you are. You don't have a choice in being a CD either, you're born that way too. Nobody chooses to be TS. Think about it, why would anyone choose a life that's full of pain, suffering, possible suicide, and a transition that can wreck your life? Nobody chooses this. You are or you aren't. What's tricky is you make discoveries. If you are TS you've likely known but repressed it, and it will be revealed to you in many possible ways.

1. You might read articles and determine that you relate to all the TS feelings.

2. You may need years of therapy to realize it.

3. You might have suicidal thoughts and want to die or be reincarnated as a girl.

4. You might have suffered "indirect dysphoria" symptoms (which is basically depression and anxiety) that is really the sign of a gender conflict.

5. You might do a lot of CDing out in the real world and decide you really are a woman based on real life experience.

6. Any combination of the above.

7. This list is not comprehensive. There are plenty of other ways to discover who you really are.

Questions for you Vanny
1. Is your core gender identity male, female, or something else?

2. Does your gender identity conflict cause you great pain or stress?

If you're not sure the answers to these questions, it's ok. Maybe you'll want to explore this more. Consider seeing a therapist. Consider presenting out in the real world as a woman and see if it feels right to you. Start attending a transgender support group. I would highly recommend your first time out that you go with a support group or a friend that you're out to, but don't go it alone. Good luck with your journey.

My answers to your questions.
1. Yes. I didn't start CDing until I was 13, but my cross-gender expression showed up in other ways since I was 5. I repressed it as best as I could and tried to be guy, yet a very awkward one, but I always felt like I was really a girl on the inside.

2. I thought that by accomplishing something or getting something else that I wanted that it would solve all my problems. I had two final straws.
a) My GD started going on steroids in 2010. I thought the problem was the cool, more overcast beach weather, and that by moving to the warm and sunny Valley, that would solve all my problems. Guess what? Moving to the Valley didn't solve anything, and my GD only went on a double, triple, and quadruple dose of steroids since I moved to the Valley in 2011.
b) I don't truly understand what happened in 2013 but let's say that the psychic told me to "man up" and I believed her b.s. and ultimately that led to a huge crash and one gigantic series of nervous breakdowns after another. 2013 could have been a last dinosaur cry of trying to let go of my male identity and male privilege.

3. I'm scared of how others will react and what they will think. I know who I really am. I plan to start seeking therapy and to start breaking down all the obstacles.
a) I'm scared of how my family is going to react. I'm not worried that they will disown me, but rather that they might try to guilt trip me into not transitioning.
b) I was scared of the neighbors, and that kept me from leaving the house while dressed, but I finally said **** it and went out presenting as female last night and I didn't care if I got caught by the neighbors.
It's normal to feel scared, and eventually you'll just say the heck with it and just do it.

4. I've never been married so I have no experience. Most transwomen though end up getting divorced, around 90-95%.

5. Ask any transwoman who has fully transitioned. They all say that it's worth the trouble and it really eliminates the gender dysphoria. If you're truly TS than you may need to transition. If you're not TS than there's no need to transition.

[Aprilrain]

Questions: I hope I don't insult and certainly don't mean to offend...

1. did you know you wanted to be a female from the beginning...

2. from my limited understanding... internally this conflict goes on and can be pushed aside for many but then... is triggered or whatever and then wham... must be expressed..

3. I don't feel i want to address the family issues nor the friend issues...so that must mean that I am not there yet ? or maybe not at all.... thoughts?

4. did any of you remain married or with your partner during your transitions? did it destroy everything in your paths?

5. I don't mean to sound bad...but I find there is great pain in being TS. thoughts on this..? has it been worth the trouble..? how do you know?

1. define begining...I knew i wanted to be a girl since i was a young teen but it just seemed like and impossible fantasy.

2 yeah that is pretty much how it happened for me.

3. I don't know what it means for you but it wasn't even a thought for me. That would have been like saying i don't want to address the death issue so I'm not going to die, avoiding it wasn't an option.

4, Thank mythical hairy sky dude (of your choosing) that I DIDN"T stay married!!!! Transition did not destroy anything for me really other than a life that made no sense and caused me much pain and suffering sadness and shame.

5. most of the pain was before and during early transition now life is just....uncomplicated.

Has it been worth it? Transition has been the most worth it thing I have ever done everything else was a distraction. How do I know? because the emptiness and self hatred are gone.

[Vanessa Rose]

Aprilrain and Michelle,

Thanks for your responses. I means a great deal to me that you did.


To answer your questions. I am exploring feeling and have a need to go to counseling.

I identify male and don't hate it but also like being female whenever I can. At least now the drive to expand her and leave my male side is so strong it is a real challenge for me to
Go about simple things. Distracted

Regarding anxious or stressed, i have always been very anxious and compulsive
As I think back I don't believe these were focused around my sexual inclination (gender) anymore than anything else; work, life; kids; expression/trapped without being able to be either gender when I felt it was needed, a bad relationship etc etc

I don't necessarily feel trapped in another sexes body but I don't like the sex I portray each day either. Make sense

Maybe I am stuck in limbo. Don't know. A guy in a dress is no place for any person to be stuck. Yuk. Just yuk. But going to the other extreme is for now not part if the plan
...at least at this moment

If I could choose, I would incline 85-90 woman to rest guy. Today.

Does that answer your questions?

Vanessa

[Jenny Doolittle]

Wow, I can not believe how "On the Mark" that article has been and identified me as a G-3. Thank you for posting the study.

One day I stumbled over this article http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

I hope that helps...

[Rachel Smith]

The realization that I'm trans was a gradual and painful process.
Me too. Every time I saw a documentary about transition or heard a story about someone that a friend (or friend of a friend) knew it always struck a raw nerve and I secretly wished I could have the opportunity to transition. Starting in late 2012 I started to read about TS women, read stories, saw videos and documentaries, and eventually I joined this forum and started speaking with the transwomen on this site. I saw the commonalities too with both the transwomen on this forum, in videos I watched, and in other stories I read elsewhere.

I couldn't even watch a show of any kind that had anything to do with transition if someone else was in the room, i.e. wife, for fear that my interest would show and she would know, and I knew I just couldn't be one of those. When I was alone however I watched every one I could and took comfort in knowing I wasn't the only one. This was about age 50. This was the very start of my transition, information gathering. While I don't agree with the OP's language it does have some merit. I started CD'ing in my early teens, did the whole buy clothes purge, buy clothes purge many, many times just knowing I could never be a woman. Then at about 52 I started CD'ing more, the more I dressed the better I felt, the better I felt the more I dressed. When I took stock of my life as I looked back all I saw was a lie, one big fat lie which caused anxiety, depression, loneliness, most of us have been there. I was then about 56 and decided it was time to live MY LIFE or die trying which beat the alternative of dying by my own hand from not trying. So it was not so much a transition from CD'er to TG'er but just acknowledging what I already knew. Then at 57 I started hormones and bingo, bango, bongo, I was ME and that was OK.
I don't know how many here remember the series of I'm OK, You're OK books from the 1970's but I was in the You're OK, I'm not OK group now I am in the I'm OK and if you don't like it tough s**t one :heehee:.

[Sally24]

My involvement was mostly in my mind until age 50. Then with my wife's help I practiced until we could go out in public together. Up until that moment I thought it was just a quirk of mine, nothing major. My wife says she knew it was serious when I started crying on the ride home that first day. At that point I started examining my feelings and thoughts I had while growing up. I soon realized that I was somewhere further along the trans spectrum then I had expected. From that period on I have spent as much time "out and about" as I can. Sometimes dressed down, sometimes dressed up. At least for the near future that seems to be enough for me. I help run a trans social group a couple times a month and it seems lately like we have at least one friend a year transition to full time. That is a big change over what was typical just 5 years ago.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Vanessa if your self analysis is accurate run away from here as fast as you can!! LOL

Reading your post, i'd urge you to get to the therapist and work this stuff out...

Trust me, you don't want to be anything more than 85% woman because that man part of you can live a full life even if you have to live with a dual nature...many many people do this successfully without giving up their jobs, families and money..some do it privately and some very publicly...there are many options..

That being said, I would echo April's comments that transition was the most "Worth it" thing I've ever done.. .. the reason i say that is because its the first thing i did in my life that actually felt like i was doing it for me...that sounds selfish but its different than the idea of selfish... the key words are "felt like"... i did lots of things for me and for others, but over the years my transsexuality robbed me of the ability to get any meaningful pleasure or fulfillment out of anything i did...that's because i was doing everything for this pretend person.. for me that was the core aspect of all this... i had never allowed myself to live a life that actually felt like a life....

[PretzelGirl]

The OP says trans, but not trans-what. I have stated I am transgender for at least a dozen years. I am now working through my transsexual feelings. So to me, it isn't a transition as much as a realization or step in self awareness.

For Vanessa, I don't know that I pushed it aside. Either I did subconsciously or my feelings just deepened over the years. Addressing the family is probably different for everyone. I have long let some family know and there are some others I would tell even without transition. Others I was holding back on as they would be more difficult to educate. They may just be getting it anyway at this point. My wife is highly supportive to the point of saying "just do it, the back and forth is more stressful". She says she loves me no matter how I look. I suspect she is sticking around.

[LeaP]

I think once you start HRT, you've gone beyond CDing.

Ignoring the few CDs who somehow bumble onto hormones out of ignorance or stupidity, I agree.




Questions: I hope I don't insult and certainly don't mean to offend...

1. did you know you wanted to be a female from the beginning... I knew I was hooked at age 5 with CD'ing... I would consider these to be connected with gender awareness but not in significance.. I just don't know... thoughts?

2. from my limited understanding... internally this conflict goes on and can be pushed aside for many but then... is triggered or whatever and then wham... must be expressed..

3. I don't feel i want to address the family issues nor the friend issues...so that must mean that I am not there yet ? or maybe not at all.... thoughts?

4. did any of you remain married or with your partner during your transitions? did it destroy everything in your paths?

5. I don't mean to sound bad...but I find there is great pain in being TS. thoughts on this..? has it been worth the trouble..? how do you know?

Vanessa

1) I was aware of ... something in my earliest memories ... can't say what, exactly. I was well aware that I had to hide certain things by the time I was 6-7 or so.

2) According to my therapist, most TS are triggered strongly. I was by coming out to my wife as what I mistakenly took as being a crossdresser. It produced an avalanche.

3) There ARE no family and friends issues unless you either near transition or intend to involve them somehow. I strongly encourage you to keep this private until you have a need to do otherwise ... and by need I don't mean the desire to tell. I'm an advocate of informing your wife, but even there, it's something that has to be approached carefully.

4) I'm out to my wife as transitioning. We are still together and I believe we will remain so. The effects on the marriage have not been pretty, though. And that's all I'm saying.

5) There's a lot of pain and fear for most until well after transition, it seems. There is also a deeper comfort that comes from finally becoming yourself. I don't try to weigh one against the other and question of making decisions on that sort of thinking (is it worth it) becomes irrelevant as the overthinking fades in favor of pressing ahead out of visceral need.

[Vanessa Rose]

I have many feelings, and thoughts and conflicts but not an "avalanche" as I interpret many TS have. I just hope I am not stuck in the middle, somewhere, nowhere.. just there. Regardless where I am stuck, i either need to lose weight or must decidedly plan on taking a long time to get there... I do plan on losing weight...

I met my SO and we talked about everything, especially my gender confusion.. she didn't care a bit in her own words.. but I think she does. If I was her, how would i fight this silent calling....that for me is fighting to express outwardly. Can you elucidate on how this has been tough on the marriage, without getting too private...meaning.. discussions before and after and changes to these.... I have told her that if I did transition, or did decide afterall that I needed to do this, what would that mean...she said I will love you but also said, lets not deal in hypotheticals.. we could do that all day... kind of gave me the creeps.. there is then, an open door exit for her. But we are incredibly bonded...so strong, so similar and so direct in our communication, that we are virtually identical except for this one gender piece. I hope this makes sense.... the truth be told, she is beautiful and no matter what id did or how far i would come, I could never be more feminine than her...my baby....


Vanessa, I don't know that I pushed it aside. Either I did subconsciously or my feelings just deepened over the years. Addressing the family is probably different for everyone. I have long let some family know and there are some others I would tell even without transition. Others I was holding back on as they would be more difficult to educate. They may just be getting it anyway at this point. My wife is highly supportive to the point of saying "just do it, the back and forth is more stressful". She says she loves me no matter how I look. I suspect she is sticking around.

Regarding family Sue, I don't intend on sharing anything without making some very hard decisions. I am far from that.. I like your thoughts about moving from TG to another place over the years to where you are now. I would have to give additional thought to that honestly... I just, if this makes sense, have not had the option to think of this for raising a family, a failed relationship and all. I have soo much going on in my life, I want to make sure I go slow, and take deliberate steps, purposeful steps that give me time to find out exactly what I am, who I am and then if a plan needs to be made or not, execute on whatever I need to... Surely this is not to be taken lightly... from all the postings... the challenge is significant... so much to learn and think about.. so thank you for your thoughts here..


Vanessa if your self analysis is accurate run away from here as fast as you can!! LOL

Reading your post, i'd urge you to get to the therapist and work this stuff out...

Yes that is how i interpret this.. for me, with no reasonable therapy or informed input to help me find me.. I am not lost, don't get me wrong, but To be asked the right questions, read the right articles and take in and digest the right knowledge is key for me.. a therapist will be at the center... I am wondering if my SO should attend as well as she has said that she would... thoughts...

Thanks also for your thoughts about transitioning and if it was worth it. The force that drives this need, is more than I have now, however the scary thing, is the force that is driving me is changing and becoming more powerful and vocal and expressive. I am not effeminate...hardly, but the female side is not a force that I understand or know how to communicate with... I try to understand and listen, but if I don't know what I need to hear to understand... all the listening and trying is largely unproductive.. hope that makes sense..

I have not been overwhelmed but I also have not been out regularly.. I have a SO that could care less if we went out in public...she wants to help but I keep pushing it aside.. this thing, these feelings are very personal... so I know something is defensive and the walls are up... I do have her support though, but am treading lightly.. slowly.. I want to understand before I say stuff, do stuff... act... People think I am nuts on this board for my hesitation... with a supportive SO.. but we have been together for over a year and are strong. I don't know if strong is what gets couples through this and there is no need to scare or alarm unnecessarily... make sense?


When I took stock of my life as I looked back all I saw was a lie, one big fat lie which caused anxiety, depression, loneliness, most of us have been there. I was then about 56 and decided it was time to live MY LIFE or die trying which beat the alternative of dying by my own hand from not trying. So it was not so much a transition from CD'er to TG'er but just acknowledging what I already knew. Then at 57 I started hormones and bingo, bango, bongo, I was ME and that was OK.

I am in my 50's and I am going into the I don't care what others think part of my life. However I am not there, and I would think, but don't know if at this time of my life if the transition is easier or harder. Likely does not matter but I will have definitely have missed my youthful years... I never saw that series. I would have melted as a kid, because of my family's reaction... Times have changed..but have they changed enough...

thanks for your thoughts...

[melissaK]

^^^Vanessa Rose.

1. Yes.

2. I could and did push it aside, but there was no wham. It was a grinding grudging acquiescence of my self that took me 3 decades to accomplish.

3. IMHO, yes, you are still in a lack of self acceptance phase. See my #2.

4. Yes, marriage survived. But . . . I landed in gender outlaw land. And my wife and I are aware we are like two overlapping circles in a Venn diagram - we exist in a narrow area of overlap. Further transition by me takes me out of the overlap, less acceptance and tolerance by her takes her out of the overlap. I remain in awe of the power of love's role in letting us find this island. Aprilrain had a snarky comment upthread about wives being the reason for middle path - I can't say shes wrong, but I'd add a lot of love is needed.

5. Yes, it is no fun learning your heart wants you to fly in the face of everything society taught you about gender. Sweetie we have a staggering suicide attempt/success rate among us. New study this month reaffirmed prior studies. Just remember "Do whatever it takes to make your life worth living."

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Many (most?) of the time that wives support us it doesn't pan out through an actual transition. The heart is in the right place but they didn't marry a woman. There are cases of course where this is not true, but don't count your chickens...

Also Vanessa you said something interesting about being "stuck"... if you are bi gendered or dual gendered in nature, you are far from stuck...maybe you need to make adjustments but that's a perfectly fine place to be

... remember its not about whether you self identify as transwhatever, its whether you can feel yourself as a viable real person and you are the one that needs to sleep nights...

[Vanessa Rose]

Many (most?) of the time that wives support us it doesn't pan out through an actual transition. The heart is in the right place but they didn't marry a woman. There are cases of course where this is not true, but don't count your chickens...

Also Vanessa you said something interesting about being "stuck"... if you are bi gendered or dual gendered in nature, you are far from stuck...maybe you need to make adjustments but that's a perfectly fine place to be

... remember its not about whether you self identify as transwhatever, its whether you can feel yourself as a viable real person and you are the one that needs to sleep nights...

Thank you Kaitlyn... your "stuck" and "transwhatever" comments makes me feel better...not exactly what the point is (momentary satisfaction) but about my situation for now... Thanks...very much for your thoughts...

Vanessa

[Vanessa Rose]

^^^Vanessa Rose.

1. Yes.

2. I could and did push it aside, but there was no wham. It was a grinding grudging acquiescence of my self that took me 3 decades to accomplish.

3. IMHO, yes, you are still in a lack of self acceptance phase. See my #2.

4. Yes, marriage survived. But . . . I landed in gender outlaw land. And my wife and I are aware we are like two overlapping circles in a Venn diagram - we exist in a narrow area of overlap. Further transition by me takes me out of the overlap, less acceptance and tolerance by her takes her out of the overlap. I remain in awe of the power of love's role in letting us find this island. Aprilrain had a snarky comment upthread about wives being the reason for middle path - I can't say shes wrong, but I'd add a lot of love is needed.

5. Yes, it is no fun learning your heart wants you to fly in the face of everything society taught you about gender. Sweetie we have a staggering suicide attempt/success rate among us. New study this month reaffirmed prior studies. Just remember "Do whatever it takes to make your life worth living."


Melissa... thanks for taking time to write your thoughts...

Whereas you had now wham moment.. I feel like i am walking around with sand in my shorts.. uncomfortable, unpleasant and yet tolerable enough for me to get counseling and try to figure out how or what to do... # 2 self acceptance ..... I got so much going on in my head... there is no doubt of this for me after reading all these great thoughts from you all...... honestly, i don't know what to think or accept.. I am having a hard time simply understanding this entire gender thing.. and that is without any real understanding...
a lot of confusion vs. conflict.. but that may change tomorrow... thanks..

right now my life is worth living.. greatly. I look at my beautiful woman that I have and ask her every other day why she would love a guy like me. Such unfair ground for her... she looks back at me and asks the same thing. Love is amazing... but to me, comprehension of me and my comprehension of her and her needs is behind all those feelings.
I do not walk blindly from the discussion and comments here. I fear what you said is true... Love i hope wins, holds true... but, i know the reality of it show odds against me/us... I will remain positively minded as maybe I am in a good place that i can be at peace with ....if I simply understand more.

Sorry if rambling. Thanks greatly for taking time and lending your thoughts...

Vanessa

[Rachel Smith]

My bad it wasn't a series of books, it was one book titled I'm OK, You're OK in which The phrase I'm OK, You're OK is one of four "life positions" that each of us may take. The four positions are:

1.I'm Not OK, You're OK
2.I'm Not OK, You're Not OK
3.I'm OK, You're Not OK
4.I'm OK, You're OK

Sorry for the mis-information.

[Michelle789]

I identify male and don't hate it


If I could choose, I would incline 85-90 woman to rest guy.

Those statements sound to me like a contradiction. I would seriously see a gender specialist and begin sorting this out. Are you actually not certain of your gender identity? This could also mean you identify as male but desire to express as female most of the time.


I don't necessarily feel trapped in another sexes body but I don't like the sex I portray each day either. Make sense

Gender expression and gender identity are completely separate things. It is possible to have a core male identity and a strong desire to express yourself as female 85% of the time.


Trust me, you don't want to be anything more than 85% woman because that man part of you can live a full life even if you have to live with a dual nature...many many people do this successfully without giving up their jobs, families and money..some do it privately and some very publicly...there are many options..

You don't have a choice in the matter. You are or you're not. You need to figure that out, and one day you will stop fighting yourself and accept yourself, whoever that may be. 85% woman is extremely strong percentage. Transition isn't the only option, since you can also live a dualist lifestyle where you switch between male and female presentations. There are many people on this forum who go to work as male and live nights and weekends as female. There are many paths, and whatever path you decide to go on is okay. Just don't repress yourself.


Maybe I am stuck in limbo. Don't know. A guy in a dress is no place for any person to be stuck. Yuk. Just yuk.

There is nothing wrong with being a guy in a dress either. It's just not me.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Those statements sound to me like a contradiction. I would seriously see a gender specialist and begin sorting this out. Are you actually not certain of your gender identity? This could also mean you identify as male but desire to express as female most of the time.



Gender expression and gender identity are completely separate things. It is possible to have a core male identity and a strong desire to express yourself as female 85% of the time.
Nonsense ! That's like saying Bacon and Ham Steaks are mutually exclusive to being a Pig. Your gender expression comes from your gender identity. If what you say is true, then the desire to express your gender identity should be easy to turn on and off like a light switch. Wouldn't that solve so many relationship issues ?

You don't have a choice in the matter. You are or you're not. You need to figure that out, and one day you will stop fighting yourself and accept yourself, whoever that may be. 85% woman is extremely strong percentage. Transition isn't the only option, since you can also live a dualist lifestyle where you switch between male and female presentations. There are many people on this forum who go to work as male and live nights and weekends as female. There are many paths, and whatever path you decide to go on is okay. Just don't repress yourself.


There is nothing wrong with being a guy in a dress either. It's just not me.

This is so true, Come to Bawlmer Hon Fest on June 14, and you will see a ton of Guys in Dress

[Michelle789]

Nonsense ! That's like saying Bacon and Ham Steaks are mutually exclusive to being a Pig. Your gender expression comes from your gender identity. If what you say is true, then the desire to express your gender identity should be easy to turn on and off like a light switch. Wouldn't that solve so many relationship issues ?

I said it's possible. I didn't say it's a probable outcome. If you desire to be female 85% of the time, there's a good chance you may be TS. And it's possible you're not.
If you desire to be female 20% of the time, than you're likely not TS, but there's still a chance you are TS.

I don't wish to diagnose anyone either way, but rather keep them open to the possibilities and to discover what is right for them. I will never attempt to make a diagnosis, in any direction, on this forum. I would say to Vanny to do some serious soul searching and see a gender specialist. And I am totally cool with whatever path anyone ends up going on, as long is it is the right path for you.

Btw, being a guy in a dress is a core male identity with a partially female gender expression.

And core identity and expression does not need to be either strictly male or strictly female. There is an androgynous identity, and there is androgynous presentation. There are people who switch between male and female presentations and identities, and from what I've read on this forum you don't just flip a switch between male and female. You do, but you don't have control over it, you'll need to express both.

[gonegirl]

My wife is highly supportive to the point of saying "just do it, the back and forth is more stressful". She says she loves me no matter how I look. I suspect she is sticking around.

Sue - I'm sure you know how lucky you are in this respect. You appear to be very cognizant of what you are preparing to do with your life but keep in mind that you are embarking on a journey that will change your perception of yourself and how you exist in this world. Your wife's experience will be very different from yours. If you do stay together your relationship will be very different from what it is now. I sincerely hope it works out for you both.

[Marleena]

Vanessa if your self analysis is accurate run away from here as fast as you can!! LOL


Lol...Vanessa you are far better off not being TS!

[Leah Lynn]

My earliest memories were wanting to be a girl. I thought it impossible for a long time, then I thought I could never do it, then....I did it.

There is not a single day of my life I didn't want to be a girl.

I grew up exactly the same way! Tried to do everything to "Man Up", but after dressing for a Halloween Party a couple years ago, it was like being hit with a bus. I had to dress as much as possible, and realized that I had to do something about it. Four months on HRT and roadmap has me starting RLE about the end of this year.

Leah

[Vanessa Rose]

Lol...Vanessa you are far better off not being TS!

LOL..

I am hardly looking for plowing new paths, choosing the road less traveled or staying as I am.. what I am looking for is answers to questions, and internal conflict

Btw, being a guy in a dress is a core male identity with a partially female gender expression.

And core identity and expression does not need to be either strictly male or strictly female.....flip a switch between male and female. You do, but you don't have control over it, you'll need to express both.[/QUOTE]

noted... thanks for sharing that. I just don't know..much about this stuff


Those statements sound to me like a contradiction. I would seriously see a gender specialist and begin sorting this out. Are you actually not certain of your gender identity? This could also mean you identify as male but desire to express as female most of the time.

There is nothing wrong with being a guy in a dress either. It's just not me.

that is not what I want to be ... ha..kinda..

again, i am just asking questions... just now... I don't have a lot of answers....mostly questions



Thanks all so much for your time and thoughts!

Vanessa

[PretzelGirl]

I realize how lucky I am Simone. Things will certainly change in some form or another and I am going to predict that HRT may do some of that and then going fulltime will do the rest. My wife and I aren't just a couple, but also best friends. Right now, that is what keeps us close and I hope that will be what always keeps us close. Time only tells.

[Rogina B]

Sue,I also will say that the dynamics of the household will really change!! The best you can expect is for both of you to be able to give your new life a fair trial.Not sure if there are kids at home,but they have to be onboard with it as well..You know all that,but knowing,doing and having it all work out,are different things...

[melissakozak]

Well, I am not sure this boundary is simply crossed as it is 'realized.' I strongly believe many crossdressers have a fairly firm male identity. Through therapy, I have realized I never really had a male identity internally, but I have learned to live as one only because of my presentation to the world, and for the most part, this masculine presentation has not been all that particularly easy to pull off. It was an interesting statement one day with my counselor two weeks ago...I simply said, "My male life is complex, extremely so, but when I present as my female self, it seems as if everything is in alignment and easier." So there you have it. I grew up thinking I was a crossdresser, but through counseling, introspection and insight have realized my gender dysphoria is far, far more complex than I had ever realized.....some of my friends think I am ultimately headed toward transition as a result of this realization.....but as I am living my life right now, I am becoming more of a gender outlaw and rebel....I won't allow my body to limit to my gender experiences....and I won't allow my presentation to be a springboard for automatic assumptions about who I am supposed to be or how I am supposed to behave...

[TessInJxn]

I never allowed myself for one moment to consider the possibility that transitioning to live as a woman was remotely possible and this thought guided and protected me. I was deeply repressed, but a better word for it may be compartmentalized...
I was just able to put it out of mind..

This is so spot on. My therapist also remarks about how well I am able to compartmentalize things, including my gender confusion. I do not yet know if I'm on the path to a full transition. But, I think, like many on this board have expressed, that it is not a decision as much as a realization. I'm smack dab in the middle of all of it right now, too!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I can remember tess that I would see a crossdressed or transgender person walking down the street and I LITERALLY didn't think about how that person may be like me in some way. I was fascinated and to be honest ashamed for them (projected from me)...
In my mind what they were doing was impossible!!! They went outside!! People saw them!!! OMG!!... It's bizarre how deeply I buried these thoughts (even though I was thinking them ALL THE TIME!!!).... I realize it makes no sense, but if you are going thru it you would understand..

In any case, I hope some of the posts help you know you are not alone.

[sybercom11]

Barbara, sort of the same with me. I always felt I should have been a girl, but the clothing really became a turn-on -- the panties, the stockings. But at some point, the clothing became so not exciting anymore. Whether I was naked or whether I was in jeans and a sweatshirt, I still had the desire to be a girl or at least present as a girl.

I actually never had the desire to put on a wig and a dress and go out like many crossdressers do. But I would wear just regular girls jeans or shorts or tops -- and just blend in. Sure I like to put on a nice short dress and heels, but at some point they became just clothes and not a thrill. Just items that girls wear. That's when I realized I was not a crossdresser, but certainly transgendered.

[Suzanne F]

I am right in the middle of this process. I know that I am transgendered. I go out fully dressed on a regular basis. I know that I am a girl inside. However I have a wife and son and I desperately do not want to lose them. The conflict rages inside of me a of the time. The more I dress and interact with the world as a woman the more I want. It feels so right to be Suzanne. I keep looking for the magic answer that will allow me to have my cake and eat it too. I don't think there is a magic answer. I will have to face either suppressing me or losing my wife. I hate that choice !
Suzanne

[Allison Quinn]

For me I can say I don't feel as though I was ever a CD I may have felt that way before I accepted all of it but in reality that was not the case. I've always been Trans but the difference comes in when I accepted that I am. That came around my start of college / last two years of high school when I started to do things that would make myself happy and realizing this isn't just a phase anymore considering it has been occurring my whole life. So it came to me when I stopped telling myself lies c: