Today is the one year anniversary of the day I joined this forum

[PaulaQ]

I didn't write my first post until 5 days later - I was too scared, and wanted to be sure I had a VPN tunnel installed first!

I have to say, when I joined this forum, I was mostly hoping for makeup tips, and maybe help gaining some acceptance of my CDing, since as best I could tell, it was never going to go away.

A year ago today, I was depressed, suicidal, suffered from panic attacks, terrified of buying my own clothes and shoes for CDing, and completely in the closet. I was also in a huge amount of denial. I lived with my wife in a beautiful home in the country. I was in the process of dying inside, and didn't know why.

Today, I spent the morning in a volunteer orientation meeting for the local LGBT center. I'm in transition. I'm out of the closet, and divorcing my wife. I live far away from her now, in the LGBT enclave in Dallas. I'm wearing women's clothes now not because I'm a CD - but because it turns out that I'm a woman. I feel alive now. I'm mostly pretty happy.

Wow, a lot of changes in a year, huh?

[Annaliese]

Good for you, sometime it the little thing that make the difference, but what a difference it has made for you, I could not be happier for you.

[Vanessa Rose]

Paula,


To compare or comprehend what you have gone through and come from in the last 12 months is impossible.


I am forever grateful dear, that I have gotten to know you and most importantly that you are still here with us...


Vanny

[Helen Grandeis]

There are lots of nice helpful people here. I am glad you are one of them.

[tifftg]

What an amazing and full year. May you continue to find peace and happiness.

[alexis61]

An amazing forum... Congrats and I look forward to my 1 year anniversary and many more. This site is such a blessing

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, Happy Birthday.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

I am so glad you finally found yourself. I continue to work at it but women such as yourself help me to see that it can be done. Thanks for all your support. Hugs, tiffany

[S. Lisa Smith]

Happy anniversary and good luck on your journey!!!

[Kelly DeWinter]

What they said LOL !

[gennee]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PAULA! One year does make a difference and you've taken positive steps. Congratulations.


:yrtw:

[Beverley Sims]

Serves you right Paula!
Look back at what you have done!

Great isn't it?
Lovely progress Paula and I bet you feel a lot better for it. :)

When I wrote my intro a couple of years later the mod's deleted it.
I wonder why? :)

I enjoy my time here also.

[Michelle789]

Happy birthday to you!!!
Feliz cumpleaños a ti!!
Joyeux anniversaire Ã* vous!!!

Paula, I'm really happy that you've made the progress you've made in the last year, and that you're living the life you're meant to live. You've been a real inspiration to me :)

[Tina B.]

What a difference a day makes, much less a year! Glad to see you are finding what you should had already, makes you wonder what took you so long doesn't it.lol

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone! I've made a lot of friends on this forum, and I've gotten a lot of help and support here too. Having a safe place to talk about what I'm going through has helped me a lot in a couple of ways.

When I first joined, I'd picked the name PaulaQ as kind of an intricate in-joke with myself. I didn't take having a femme name seriously - it was just for funsies on this forum. Only, as I began to post under Paula, I started realizing how authentic that felt, and how fake the stuff I wrote under my male persona seemed. It was astonishing to me. Turns out - Paula was the real me, and the other guy was a phony. Who knew?

My postings here were also the first really honest discussion I had about my gender in my entire life. The security of a relatively anonymous forum made it easier for me to be real and honest in a way I'd never been before. I think it probably helped save my life, so I feel gratitude to all of you here. I've tried, and I hope mostly succeeded, to be really honest in my postings here. I'm not perfect, and sometimes I don't understand things about myself or others, and sometimes I'm just flat wrong. But I do try to be as honest as I can be, and I hope that shows.

[Lynn Marie]

Over the last few years that I've been out the door, I've met a few CDs who either have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning. Those that have, did it quickly. Those that are, may never actually complete the process. I find that interesting. Seems like hormones can really mess with your head.

[Kate Simmons]

I'm glad you are finally happy and yourself Paula. That is what really counts my friend. :hugs::)

[Katey888]

Paula - that is a lot of change.

It also says a lot for the strength of a forum like this that is open enough to allow anyone (within reason:)) to have their opinion and is robust enough to ensure that all that opinion and advice is channelled in the most positive and supportive way possible to the benefit of its participants.

I've only followed the last few months of your story but I hope we can look forward to your ongoing journey and continued participation for a long time to come. :cheer:

Thank you for sharing it Paula! :bighug:

Katey x

[Dana M]

Paula,

Congratulations. I am happy to hear you are doing so well. Good Luck to you as you continue on your journey.

[PaulaQ]

To be honest, I was never a very good CD. Mostly during my lifetime, I'd donned a garment or two during two or three periods of my life. I didn't fully dress until maybe a month before I came out to myself, really right about this time last year. My makeup skills were non-existent. My clothes were not sized correctly. I couldn't walk in heels *at all*. I had a really nice wig, and really nice forms. (Also purchased just after I joined the forum.) Seeing my true face in the mirror once I was fully dressed is probably what really made me realize "ok, this is real."

Just goes to show you that often times the obvious stuff - how much you dress, how long you've been doing it, frequency, don't really mean that much in all cases.

I'm a lot happier and more stable than I was last year. The stuff with my wife sucks, and is heart breaking. My new life is taking some getting used to - it's definitely different, but I really like it so far.

I'm really not the same person anymore, I don't think.

[carhill2mn]

Congratulations on finding out what you needed to do to be happy and then pursuing it!

[Lorileah]

a year ago I remember and angry, confused new member who was not really very happy. I think we even argued a bit :)

Congrats Paula, glad you are doing better

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Lori. I wasn't just unhappy, I was so miserable - I no longer wanted to live. I was definitely confused too - that is surely right - I didn't want to face what was going on with my gender.

I spent a lot of time at first pondering "the pink fog" - until I realized that what I really felt when cross dressed wasn't joyous, but just "normal", and that when presenting as a male, I felt like a prisoner.

I don't really know if this year will be as fast paced as last year. I think I am about to run into the hurdles of finding doctors, scheduling doctors, and funding for further parts of my transition. I do know that I'll divorce this year, finish coming out at work, and get my name and gender marker changed, and continue with the endless process of electrolysis, including the electrolysis prep for SRS. (I am *really* not looking forward to that last part!) Maybe I'll be able to get FFS work done - but I think again scheduling may be my enemy here. (I'm doing a stutter step here - I had a doctor picked out for SRS and FFS, and I'm having serious second thoughts about him now, so instead of starting things last November, I'm starting now.)

I'll be very happy indeed if this year is suicide attempt free. Last year wasn't - but I have a LOT more support this year, and I'm in a much better place emotionally.

[traci_k]

Congrats on a year Paula. 1 year does make such a difference. You are now so upbeat, positive and looking forward to life, I am so happy for you.

Hugs,

[Marcelle]

Congratulations Paula on your journey to date. I am glad to hear you are in a better and happier place in your life . . . stay there sweetie and never look back

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

Thanks all. Perhaps by this time next year, I'll have developed some of the fashion sense that graces so many of you! (You are looking great, as always, Isha!)

One of my friends needles me mercilessly about my questionable fashion sense. She's a professional flamenco dancer though, so if my look gets a LOT more dramatic over the coming year, you'll understand what happened to me. My friend, I love her to death, does NOT know how to do understated - I'm just a shy quiet girl from Dallas who wants to blend in, and quietly be called "ma'am". I'm not sure I have a whole bunch of Diva in me, lol! :p (My friend has enough Diva for any 3 women, and whatever guy she ends up with post transition is in for a crazy, crazy ride...)