Breaking Up

[rookiemistake]

I've recently begun to consider that my GF may not be "the one" for me.

She has a daughter, and while we don't live together, she feels very protective of her and doesn't want anything "out of the ordinary" to cause psychological problems for her daughter. I get it on that point, and I wouldn't want to cause any harm to the daughter, either.

When I first told my GF about my CD'ing we were around a year into our relationship (now over 2 years) and she was upset. But later she decided to be more supportive with a DADT attitude. She didn't want me to do it around her. Since then the topic hasn't really been discussed.

Well, lately our sex life hasn't been great and I can tell she's trying to save it however she knows how, but truthfully, the thing that gets me the hottest is putting on a skirt and heels!

I obviously have some fetishes that need to be satisfied and I have little problem "taking care of it myself" when she's not around. But clearly that has an effect on our sex life.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is if you're not hot for your GF, you should break up, right? And then search personal ads to find a girl who's into it?

Any advice?

[PaulaQ]

DADT is not really a supportive attitude, in my opinion. That alone is probably a good reason not to marry this woman. The addition of sexual incompatibility between the two of you is another problem. Sex isn't the totality of a relationship - not even close! But it is an important part, and if you are incompatible, then you just are.

I'd highly recommend though looking for a LOT more than a girl who's just "into it."

It's worth talking honestly with this woman about what you both want and need in a relationship. If you can't solve your problems marriage is likely a poor choice.

[Beverley Sims]

You can search personal ads to get your rocks off, but this is not the be all and end all.

You can consider breaking off with your girlfriend, but do it carefully, with compassion and with the knowledge that you may have caused most of the problem with the big reveal. Because she is in DADT does not mean it is entirely her own fault.

I really think your user name explains it all, it is very apt.

[sandra-leigh]

if you're not hot for your GF, you should break up, right?

Please keep in mind that it is quite common to no longer feel "hot" for someone after that length of time. Human biochemistry rushes bonding hormones at the beginning of a relationship, gluing the connection together and encouraging mating. Yes, that "rush" of being in love has the biochemical "purpose" of encouraging "breeding" early in the relationship. And then after less than a year, the hormones stop being produced, the couple often stop feeling "hot" for each other, but if all went well then they have bonded in other ways and stay together.... even if only to protect the love-child so produced.

You need to decide whether to break up or not based on your mix of feelings and her mix of feelings and your personalities and interests and ability to interact with each other on other topics.

It could certainly be that "she is not the right one for you", but more than just sex should be considered.

For example, how is your cuddling? Sometimes when my partner is watching a TV show or movie I have no interest in, I go in and cuddle up with my arms around her and do nothing except be. Being there beside her is warm and safe and loving, intimate and caring. It isn't sex, but it doesn't have to be: I'm just happy she's there and I want to be with her.

Other times I'd rather be alone, so I have to balance my feelings: do I have the right mix for me? Could it reasonably be changed to what I need? If there is a part that I need that is unlikely to be available within the relationship, then how to deal with that can be pretty difficult to work through.

[Teresa]

Without knowing what ages you, your GF and her daughter are it's difficult to give definite advice but If you're young and not living together calling it a day is probably the way it will end up. It sounds as if the relationship has burnt itself out and you have the same problem I have, you want to combine dressing with women and sex, a dadt relationship is the last thing you want.

[Kathy Kay]

I agree with everything Paula said. In addition, your GF's concerns for her daughter likely carry more weight than you realize.

[Rachelakld]

Few people can be HOT for a partner for long periods, often cooling due to work stress, familiarity, post baby, hobbies and a million other reasons.
Love tends to be (for me) still wanting a cuddle every night, still wanting her around in the morning.
Fetish implies to me, a performance issue if "something is not (whatever), then zero performance"
Fantasy is more "this is good, but how about adding (whatever)"

My big question is, how will you feel being DADT in 20, 40 years time?
And for her, how far do you think Rookiemistake is going to take this journey in the years to come?

[rookiemistake]

Wow. I definitely went to the right place when bringing this up with you all! Thank you so much for the responses!

First, sandra-leigh, that's a great point. Our cuddling is fantastic. We do that a lot, because we do enjoy being in each other's company. I think it's actually an important supplement for a lacking sex life lately. I don't want to lose my connection with her (or her daughter), because they're a very positive influence in my life (outside of CD-ing). And considering how much time I spend in Guy mode (probably 98% if not more), it's difficult to justify breaking it off over something that takes up only 2% of my time, even though CD-ing is a very important 2% of my life.

Rachelakld, I have considered the thought of being in a DADT relationship later in life. I'm in my mid-late 20's right now, and I think the thing I'm most concerned about is that I'm going to wake up one day and have regrets about the way I chose to live in the prime of my life. And obviously, I'm concerned with the potential repercussions of those regrets.

[Tina B.]

First let me say, when having doubts, listen close. Sex does cool off after awhile in relationship, replaced with warmth, caring, memories of things shared, and shared responsibilities. But the other side of that same coin, the longer your together, the more you know each other, the more things that you don't agree on can get bigger and bigger. For many of us, the older we get, the stronger the urge to dress gets, do you want to spend the rest of your life in a DADT relationship, sneaking around looking for a chance to put on a dress, how Long is sex going to be good enough, if you need to be a little feminine, and she doesn't share you feeling in that way.
No one can tell you what is best for you, break up, or stay together, only you know the value of each, but when you have doubts, listen to your gut feelings, that is where you really live, and undoing things is a lot harder than stopping them before it gets to that, but then you don't want to let a good thing go, and only you can know which is which.

[Lynn Marie]

Although popular thought seems to preclude being single, it's really not a bad way to go. I learned this from my cousin who's been single all his life. He has plenty of ladyfriends and avoids commitments. He lives his own life as he likes, comes and goes as he likes, and has to answer to no one. I've tried it and I heartily approve. It's sort of like walking in a forest filled with snares. Once you've done it a while, you get so you can spot those snares pretty easily and the forest becomes quite enjoyable.

[Lorileah]

I think you are confusing some things. You are evidently a sexual fetish dresser. This is something I would assume you would not bring out of the bedroom no matter if the daughter was home or not. This, to me, is no different than role playing sex games, BDSM, watching porn, using toys. So in my thoughts, your dressing is really a non-issue as far as your GF's daughter (would you chase each other naked through he house while the child watched?)

Now when it comes to sexual quirks, they always work better if both partners enjoy the quirks. In this case your GF doesn't and you asking her to go outside her comfort zone isn't going to make it better. So thus, in answer to your question, no you should not keep her from moving on nor should she try and "fix" you to fit her life. Remember the adage "never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig" Don't waste either of your time. If this is the only way you can be excited, then you need to find someone on your page. I don't believe in love or marriage when one person has to change to fit the other person's niche.

[Stephanie47]

I'll agree with the consensus of opinion the sex in a relationship decrease from the sex act itself to a more melding of the spirits. Frankly, I'm of the opinion that hot and heavy sex really clouds the mind. Love is blind, but, after awhile there is a time for reflection and analysis of the relationship. I think for most women it takes a long term commitment to overlook any quirk or quirks before it gets old. I noticed your avatar depicts some bondage. If that is in your picture and then cross dressing is thrown into the mix, well, it just may be too much for your girlfriend to accommodate. Sure, she may not want her child to be introduced to quirky behavior. It may also be the girlfriend's child is the excuse to break off the relationship without saying she is the one who has tired of the cross dressing and whatever quirks you may have. When you're apart she really has no confirmation of whatever you may be doing. It may be a mystery riddled with false visual images. Unfortunately, that is a part of DADT.

As to DADT it is not a bad solution for many marriages, including mine. However, a DADT in the beginning of a relationship such as yours really does not give the partner an adequate time to figure out who you are. She may not really be ready to share you with the other woman in your life. It's one thing to go fishing with the guys, and, it's another for her to visualize some adventure with your female self.

It takes a long time in any relationship to find out who are person really may be. Does she really know who you are?

[Katey888]

I think I might be the contentious voice here... :eek:

Nowhere in the OP is there anything about any remaining affection in your relationship, let alone the 'Love' word... :eek:

Call me old fashioned (I am...) but if you are having a relationship to simply satisfy your need for sexual satisfaction, either 'traditionally' or via any fetish elements, then that ain't much of a relationship in my book. And frankly, your GF has responsibilities to her daughter that surely extend beyond just 'out of the ordinary' things. Having a BF that appears to want to abandon ship at the first sign of a little bad 'bedroom' weather is probably not a good long term prospect for her either - imagine what she feels like knowing you're more aroused by dressing than her? And, that that is all you seem to measure a relationship by...?

Yes - it's time for you to go look in the personal ads... :hmph:

Katey

[rookiemistake]

These are some hard truths you are all throwing at me, but I think it's exactly what I needed to hear.

Thank you all for your exceptionally well-reasoned and rational responses. It may take even more self-examination to realize exactly who I am, what my priorities and priorities are, and which things I'm willing to sacrifice. Maybe that's what I need to confirm before delving any further.

[Vanessa Rose]

If done with the post that is fine...


I had a different take on this. there are times in life when two people, even if perfect for one another, do not match. It goes with timing of life events, children, obligations, geographies etc.


That is what this situation appears as... if I was her and trying to raise a daughter, your needs would come way, way, way second or tenth.


Just my two cents...


Vanny

[rookiemistake]

Quite happy to hear your opinion, as well. You're right. It's selfish of me to consider my own needs before hers and her daughter's. I hate to come off that way, but I'm a little selfish I guess!

[Vanessa Rose]

I don't think the word is selfish.. I think the word is needs.. those are your needs. For us to play arm chair therapist is dicey at best... but since my take was a bit different, I thought I would share it with you.


The worst part of answering questions like this is that we all have issues that are different, but still like this in that we just can't get past, or are trying to comprehend. The best part of answering questions like this is hopefully you find all the pieces of the puzzle and can fit them together for your life to be HAPPY.


For me, I want what I want. Call is selfish, call it whatever... but if that is what you want, then you want it. Is that a need.... ? Dunno.. I have always broken things down to nice to haves and need to haves... perhaps that is better to understand what would be nice to have vs. what you need to have.. whatever works..


Lastly, and I can't emphasize this enough. One person said this to me about another issue of marriage... if you don't absolutely adore your partner before your marriage, and there are some issues that are unresolved. What will they look like in 25 years? They will likely be as wide as the Grand Canyon. Yes couples can work through problems, and very significant challenges. but if it is toe to toe about the things that are your needs, then you have much to consider. You will figure it out in the end. The trouble is getting there without driving yourself crazy... yes?


Vanny

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rookie, Nothing worse than staying in an unhappy relationship.

[Barbara Maria]

The question is do you love her?If you do don't let her go,certainly not because of sex alone.What you describe is perfectly normal.Regardless of circumstances,you never keep up the heat of that first year or two.If it's not happening for you emotionally,that's one thing,but don't base it just on sex.

[docrobbysherry]

Everyone's missing the point, Rookie. That you're simply too young and inexperienced to KNOW who and/or what u want! And, I believe that would be true even if u weren't a CD. That is certainly something u should get a handle on BEFORE you choose a long term SO.

I've had my share of women in my 70 years. I didn't marry until I was into my 40's. And, if the sex is not happening in your 20's? U either have some issues or she definitely is NOT "the one"! Or, both. U worry me when u said u can't service yourself? How about when you're dressed? That doesn't sound "normal" to me.

[rookiemistake]

Sorry, I wasn't clear in my explanation. I have ZERO trouble servicing myself when I'm dressed. Don't need to worry about that.

I think you're right about not knowing Who/What I want. I'm just a little impatient, and I have a great thing going with my GF. I feel lots of emotions toward her ranging from love to frustration, but lust isn't one I have had for a while.

[Tracii G]

The sexual aspect wanes after a time but to force her to partake in your sexual fetishes if she isn't in to them isn't a good thing.
You said you don't live together so maybe breaking up won't be all that hard for either of you.
DADT isn't being supportive IMO and I couldn't live in a relationship like that.
Flip the tables how would you feel if she was the one with the "hobby" and you didn't like it?
Myself I would rather be able to roam free and do what I wish.