trying live a dual life

[GabbiSophia]

Being T is not easy this you can see from the many posts here. Trying to be dual and live GD is hard as hell also. Some say fear keeps us from taking the dive others say compartmentalize and live the way you want. There is a thin line between these and man it gets tough to play each side of the fence. On one hand i try to cd a little some sleeping in clothes some under dressing. .ect.. even to the point that i spend days fully dressed and living ..Allbe Iit in my own house but still..This just makes the gd just crushing and always builds my anxiety till I have to have a sexual release and that makes it fine for about 30 min.. on the other hand if I don't do any cd and just except the gd and the situation it brings on another type of anxiety. My loins will ache a pressure will grab my chest and squeeze and all of it my mind wants me to Cd plain and simple. The anxiety will knaw on my mind till I find the chance to cd. Cding also makes me just cry to be a woman it runs through my crazy viens and not just a partial woman. Also why does buying new woman'sclothes make me so gosh damn happy?

This seems to be the ever l loving world of my gd while trying to be dual. I am not sure how some of you do it but because I am struggling

[Aimee20]

For me just dressing occasionally made it more difficult to handle the GD. It always felt partial and fake which in turn made me spiral out of control because i couldn't be authentic in my day to day life. There really hasn't been any type of sexual release for me in regards to gender, it feels foreign and unnatural, I'm finding a lot of relief from the anti androgens in that regard.
My biggest relief and comfort from the anxiety has been the process of moving forward in transition, a person is not meant to live two lives (you can either follow your heart or mind but never both).

[GabbiSophia]

That is the issue why can't the gd be happy with a little ... damn why can't it be both. They are equally wanted

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I hear you...what you want doesn't enter into it unfortunately...it only impacts how you decide to address the problem..

Can you live what feels like life only inside your own house part time?? time will tell...

Can I add one more thing...we are ts forum... ts ts ts ts ts...24/7 lol...

If you want to live a fully developed life that feels authentic to you (and not transition), its critical to focus on everything outside of your transsexuality... how is your wife? your kids? going out a lot to enjoy friends and family? how is work...
your choice to battle this way can result in living your daily routine as empty moments until you can dress again.... you have to avoid that if you want to succeed..

see what i'm saying? its not the dressing that will push you in one direction, its the rest of your life and how that feels to you... when my GD was in the final stage I felt literally nauseous when I had to deal with people sometimes!!! I had panic attacks walking down the street talking to people I worked with!!!

and to be honest, if you attack it that way , and you still feel this way, you are gaining valuable insight into what its going to take to feel fulfilled and happy...
for me it was a point of proof that no matter what I wanted, I needed to make a change.

[Rachelakld]

My dual is in a happy balanced place.
The she has accepted living in a toned manly body (she didn't like the fat body, and gave me grief over that), and realizes it's not her fault she is there.

Having anxiety is not a solution, somewhere, sometime, if you explore, you will find your balance.
Many here mention meditation as a tool to find themselves, others (like me) just frock up and enjoy the moment as it happens

[mikiSJ]

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine, who is here occasionally, yesterday and she was exuberant in her decision to go full-time - except for work. Her circumstances are that she cannot come out at work, but so what. She has started HRT, laser and will get her apple fixed next month.

We are heading up to the City tonight and she will be leaving and return home as herself. I wish I was in a position to get this far.

[PaulaQ]

I really wasn't able to lead a double life at all. Last year, I could no longer take the pain of living a lie - my mind just no longer could tolerate presenting as a male for any length of time. (Since August, I've been in boy mode a couple of times, and I will NEVER do it again - I'd sooner die.) I have a friend who hasn't started presenting as female at work, although she's come out. It's absolutely killing her, the switch back and forth. I can well understand this - it really hurt me too.

[Angela Campbell]

That is the issue why can't the gd be happy with a little ... damn why can't it be both. They are equally wanted

GD is your inner mind telling you that you need something. The less you do towards doing whatever that is, the louder the inner mind will scream. Obviously if it gets worse you are going in the wrong direction.

[GabbiSophia]

Angela that is kind of the problem atm. As I try to live my life with gd the steps are pushing in a transition direction. If I cd the anxiety goes away but the wanting to cd compounds. Though it is not just the anxiety to CD it is the anxiety for all the things that make a woman a woman. The more I try to just live with it the more it doesn't allow me to just live. The more things I do to "come out" the less the GD is there. I feel trapped with only on way to go and that makes me angry.

[KellyJameson]

If you are mixing sexual release with crossdressing it may not be gender dysphoria you are experiencing but addiction and withdrawal symptoms and thinking it is gender dysphoria.

Addiction and withdrawal does create dysphoria but it is not gender dysphoria.

The distinction is subtle but critical if you are trying to understand the nature of your suffering.

[melissakozak]

I would be lying if I told any of you that being a fence straddler was easy. It is a bitch. I know I am compromising who I am in some respects, but I also realistically weigh the pros and cons of transition at this point in my life. I have already missed out on some key aspects of womanhood at my age. My psychiatrist asked me point blank if I could come back a genetic woman would I do it. YES. BUT at this point in life, I can't. I missed out on the 'girlfriends' of childhood. I already missed out on the socialization as a young woman....I already missed out on so much, and now, the masculine presentation, whatever it means to other people, is something that has been created out of a default mode of living and I find myself living and straddling two worlds that rarely intertwine....occasionally, they do, and the feminine aspect of my true nature has become more and more apparent, but I have also come to appreciate the male side of me as a survivor of sorts, and someone I have come to respect as such, so on the fence I sit...proudly and without shame....hugs, Melissa.

[I Am Paula]

I really tried to live both. It made the GD worse, as each day it became more of a torture to be the male side. Sometimes I'd cry, having to get into guy mode, and I would put it off until the last moment. I was out in either mode, but I felt like people were staring at me in guy mode, I was so uncomfortable.
If dual mode works for you, great, there is no right or wrong, but it sounds like you too are drifting away from the male side.

[melissaK]

well Kelly Jameson's post is relevant.

Orgasms feel good - real good, at least to most of us. If women in lingerie turns you on because sex and an orgasm are going to follow, we can use lingerie as a trigger that an orgasm is going to follow. Then if you wear the lingerie you ad the thrill of breaking a cultural taboo to heighten your feeling so the orgasm is even better. That is how we fetishize cross dressing.

Orgasms feel so good that humans seek them over and over again. If you have any anxiety in life from any source, you learn to treat it with an Orgasm. An addiction sets in.

It gets hard to sort all these feelings out. If you decide you are just a fetishized cross-dresser with a sexual addiction - don't feel shame. Undo the addiction, and enjoy cross-dressing in a more responsible way.

But allow for the fact that some of us are transwomen, and our sexual preference is women, making us "trans-lesbians." For me, I have known since childhood I was a girl or woman, I had conflict with adults over it, they wouldn't let me act like a girl. I have a lifetime of identity issues.

But as an adult, in bed, I still liked women as sex partners. Women in lingerie turned me on. Lingerie turned me on. Wearing women's clothes seemed natural. This confused me greatly. I had no interest in being with a man, so I wasn't gay in a drag queen way. So was it all just a fetish? Was I really trans?

I answered it this way. I knew what I felt in bed with women. I took pleasure in my male role in bed, but I "always" knew I wanted to be like my woman sex partner. I wanted to be held in her arms. I wanted her to make love to me. I wanted her to fondle my breasts which I didn't have.

Still this took me years to sort out. What was telling was this, my second wife was a tall attractive blond. She owned maybe two dresses and was the dominant personality in our relationship - she wore the pants so to speak. After our divorce she came out as a butch-ish lesbian. Doh. It cemented my belief I am trans-lesbian.

You can conjure up psyche theories that I am searching for maternal attention to compensate for childhood pain caused by an emotionally distant mom, and that same childhood was full of anger at an emotionally distant and often absent Dad and I refuse to be like him . . . and thus I find comfort in the thought of being a lesbian woman. Maybe all that's true. But I've spent a lifetime trying to change those feelings and they won't change. And I was miserable.

I live now in a gender outlaw role where I have my own breasts, my wife (a GG) sees and allows for the woman in me in our private life, and I am hugely happy. For me, being trans has proven to be less about my dress and my appearance, and more about how I am treated. Finding a way in the gender outlaw middle works. I have always been a mix of gender traits and feelings, and gender outlaw lets me express them both without forced denial of either set of traits.

So, keep working on figuring yourself out.

[BillieAnneJean]

WOW!!!!

THIS thread and those who have responded, through their outpourings, is THE most moving I have seen on this site! For some wearing clear but non glossy nail polish, or asking what we are wearing now, or some other, in comparison, little thing, is a big deal. But for you LADIES who are literally trapped in a man's body, I see the pain. I am in comparison, just a day traveller. For me this is neither sexual nor essential. It is just fun. From now on, every time I dress, you will be in my thoughts. Every time I have a fun experience about CDing I will feel a guilty pleasure for another reason. I feel VERY lucky to be a crossdresser not trapped in a man's body but actually loving being a man. And I get to experience the part I enjoy of a woman's life, the clothing, when I want. But I, as a day tripper CDer get to play on the other side when enfemme. I am 100% guy and 47.296% woman! when I choose. None of this is play for you. I can now understand your pain, I can now feel for you. You make me feel very lucky.
MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kelly,
it's certainly possible that one can get addicted to orgasm, sex, or just about anything...for ts people it doesn't have anything to do with gender dysphoria except as a way to mitigate it...feeling that addiction is not gender dysphoria...its a very short shameful blessed relief from it...

For transsexuals that went through this, its a non stop barrage of disbelief and raised eyebrows from those that cannot conceive of it.....

It's very common for transsexuals to have sexual feelings about their nature and I have no idea why...it could be a sexuality issue (how can a woman express her sexuality living as a man)...it could be an anxiety issue where that 5 minutes of release feels visceral and real and gets tied to thinking about "being" a woman...or it could just be a plain old fetish that expresses itself...testosterone sucks...

I can say that even post transition, I still have these feelings but they are uncommon and getting less and less... that's a clue for me that it had something to do with not being able to express myself sexually for all those years...I think this because as those feelings reduced, more "normal" feelings of arousal have replaced them.

as an aside...if you are making love and picturing yourself as the woman in order to achieve orgasm... at some point, you are going to want to be what I would call present in your sex, or you are going to feel like sex and lovemaking is an empty chore, or you are going to get the bad word from your partner who sooner or later is going to sense your distance and realize you are simply not present for the sex..

[Angela Campbell]

Angela that is kind of the problem atm. As I try to live my life with gd the steps are pushing in a transition direction. If I cd the anxiety goes away but the wanting to cd compounds. Though it is not just the anxiety to CD it is the anxiety for all the things that make a woman a woman. The more I try to just live with it the more it doesn't allow me to just live. The more things I do to "come out" the less the GD is there. I feel trapped with only on way to go and that makes me angry.

And there it is. No one wants to be like this, no one asks to be like this, but sometimes we are like this, and we have to decide what we are going to do about it. It isn't easy, I know.

[Michelle789]

GD is your inner mind telling you that you need something. The less you do towards doing whatever that is, the louder the inner mind will scream.

Agreed.


Obviously if it gets worse you are going in the wrong direction.

Not necessarily. GD is very progressive, you can definitely take steps in the right direction and the GD can get worse, especially when you are presenting as male, or fearing presenting as male. That's why this gender stuff is so tricky to sort out.


If you are mixing sexual release with crossdressing it may not be gender dysphoria you are experiencing but addiction and withdrawal symptoms and thinking it is gender dysphoria.

Addiction and withdrawal does create dysphoria but it is not gender dysphoria.

The distinction is subtle but critical if you are trying to understand the nature of your suffering.


Orgasms feel good - real good, at least to most of us. If women in lingerie turns you on because sex and an orgasm are going to follow, we can use lingerie as a trigger that an orgasm is going to follow. Then if you wear the lingerie you ad the thrill of breaking a cultural taboo to heighten your feeling so the orgasm is even better. That is how we fetishize cross dressing.

Orgasms feel so good that humans seek them over and over again. If you have any anxiety in life from any source, you learn to treat it with an Orgasm. An addiction sets in.


I have had my share of the sexual gratification from cross-dressing too. Last night, for the first time, I presented publicly as female. When I came home, I felt like I had arrived home from any normal nighttime outing, and changed into pajamas and went to sleep. I did not masturbate, nor have any desire to do so. I just went straight to sleep.

And believe me going out in public, and interacting with people feels far better than sitting in front of a computer screen at home all day. I felt a sense of freedom. I feel nothing wrong with being at home, and being at home is part of life too, but feeling trapped in your house is very different than having the freedom to go in our out the door between private and public places.

My questions for OP:
Have you presented publicly as female yet? If not, consider joining a local support group and use it as a way to get out for the first time. See how you like it. You may need to try going out several times to get a better feel for it. You'll likely get a better sense of how you feel after the first time out. Going out once certainly helped for me tremendously.

[Angela Campbell]

That is the thing. When presenting as male does your inner mind see that as moving in the right direction?

It didn't work that way for me.

[Michelle789]

Angela, I see your point.

[GabbiSophia]

Agreed.


My questions for OP:
Have you presented publicly as female yet? If not, consider joining a local support group and use it as a way to get out for the first time. See how you like it. You may need to try going out several times to get a better feel for it. You'll likely get a better sense of how you feel after the first time out. Going out once certainly helped for me tremendously.

I have presented and it is great it eases the GD but the anxiety of being out and clocked takes over. To be dressed fully relieves it the most and taking other steps helps too. I am not into going to support groups I just want to get on with my life. Though I am looking maybe at getting out just a different way.

Angela to be honest while male and alone that is when the gd is the worse. When I am busy it really lets go but I can not be that busy all the time. These are just things I am learning.

About the sexual deal. Kaitlyn and Melissa my life shadows the two of you so much not saying that I am you just that I have experiences close to what yall talk about. I do pretend to be a woman while having sex. I love being with a woman though for sex. As for the self sex.. My anxiety and release is not from wearing the clothes, though I do love some of them but that common for people, it comes from all my senses trying to get to one place. On days that I can present at home full my anxiety is diminished but will eventually come back ( I think it is because I eventually have to change). It is like April said the CD does lead to an explosion of GD later that compounds itself. I have read tons of ladies experiences and almost all some form of self sex was involved to release the "anxiety pressure". I wish I could make a pill from whatever that is released in my brain afterward because for those next 10 min I am me again and there is no GD or wanting or feeling like a woman.

[Michelle789]

to be honest while male and alone that is when the gd is the worse. When I am busy it really lets go but I can not be that busy all the time. These are just things I am learning.

Me too. Male and alone is usually worst for me. Usually if I'm busy the GD subsides. But if I'm interacting with people somethings something someone says about gender, or seeing a group of girls having fun together, the GD comes back with a vengeance. Sometimes when GD episodes come on too strong I lose all motivation to get busy, and it just overpowers me tremendously.

[Christina Kay]

I agree if you can keep busy and really lose yourself in what you are doing.. Or days like yesterday for me , actually didn't sleep enfemme , got up went to class .....felt kinda relaxed after a week of ups and downs about gender...Caught myself doing a few feminine hand gestures ,,okay feeling fine, even caught myself standing feminine at a glance in the mirror,,okay still feeling okay .Went to bakery a TG girl works there who I have seen a few times before, and then it hit me like a tsunami...this balancing act is so emotionally and mentally draining. Hugs:battingeyelashes:

[Rogina B]

Steph,It sure seems to me[from all of your postings] that you aren't giving much time and effort to finding a workable solution that makes you happier. Not being critical,but please realize that it takes time and effort[thinking of and experimenting with] to see if there is a way to feel better about yourself..There is no quick answer and everyone is different.

[Frances]

The OP is still in the bargaining phase. Acceptance will come later.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I felt tremendous guilt and shame over this... imagine being a woman, and being stuck J**king off you PENIS just to get relief from this... it sucked in so many ways..

In fact, I recall going to a therapy meeting with a dozen or so transitioned transsexual women.. My therapist threw me in there (LOL)... I brought the issue of sexual release up as part of my "defense" as I tried to tell them I was not transsexual...

They just laughed at me, and half the women there said they had the same "problem"

... are there jerks out there that deny we exist? yep... are there ts women that lie about it? yep..

++++

[stefan37]

imagine being a woman, and being stuck J**king off you PENIS just to get relief from this... it sucked in so many ways..

++++
Thankfully on estrogen orgasms are way better!!

[GabbiSophia]

I sometimes do it ... maybe 4 times if needed heck maybe more depending on the day ... that 30 minutes of pure quiet is well worth it and it is a private deal that I may use to get through the now ... Odd enough potato chips help also it relieves the anxiety but eating a whole bag a day for 5 days in a row is way unhealthy.. Therapy helps also but I can't go to it every week due to fact I would make her rich beyond her dreams. All this for me atm is a learning curve. When I am angry the GD is gone also but I can't be angry all the time either. Best thing I have been told is to find the compartment to put it in so that I can live the life I want.

Rogina I appreciate what you are saying and I understand patience is a virtue ... why don't you tell my GD that? .. I am trying to be patient and learn and still live life with my brain. Lea thanx for the post earlier about Kait... she has been a dear in the advice department and I would recommend anyone in the front side of all this to read her background.

I have learned one thing about all this ..... life doesn't stop to let you battle GD nor does it give you a break or let up any. You better have your ducks in a row no matter which way you face.


Lea on a side note where did you read that at about the hormones?

[Suzanne F]

This topic seems to dominate my every thought. I am so torn all of the time by wanting to be me and wanting to keep my family. I don't need any answers just someone to say they understand. I had a wonderful night out with several TG women from the forum last Friday night. Some were TS and some were crossdressers. It felt like my life and then I had to go suppress it again when I got home. However I had a wonderful time with my wife and son for the rest of the weekend. My wife treated me like a woman privately. It just seems to never go away though. Anyway I am rambling now.
Suzanne

[stefan37]

Starting a hormone regiment changes lots of things, most notably the relationship with the wife. The physical changes are for the most part can be hidden. The mental changes if estrogen if correct for you are astounding. The urge to masturbate will most likely disappear. If it has the same effect on as it did me. The anxiety will be obliterated and that feeling of being on a runaway train will slow down. There are no easy answers to all of this. You are what you are. Many of us have gone through what you are experiencing. I have suffered personal losses my wife of 30+ years the biggest. In spite of that loss I am a happier person and life has meaning. To live and experience life as me without having to hide anymore is gratifying.

As to your comment on getting clocked. As you go about life you become immune to it. My experience has people treating me with respect and using proper pronouns. The anxiety and frustration of not being me is gone.

If you expect a different result you need to change things. You can not do the same things and expect different results. Yeah it sucks, Yes it is hard, Yes there will be losses, Yes you will meet new people, Yes you will feel better about yourself. Just think of all that negative energy you are expending. Once you no longer have the negativity , all that energy can now be expended in positive ways resulting in a much better quality of life.

[bas1985]

just my 2eurocent.

The self relief was high during adolescence, I too experienced that same feeling, after an O. the desire to be a woman stood aside for some time...but
for me it was a BAD effect, so I tried to remain "en femme" for a long time (at home, I was alone, never went out, my parents worked all day, no
sisters or brothers...) without o. After an initial arousal I stood as a girl and that was fine. Even if the pressure to release was very strong lol

[Rogina B]

Stefan put the situation in perspective...On the present course,StephBrown is messing things up in her life,and is risking a lot by her behavior. A change is necessary ASAP...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

So what exactly is she messing up? Why is a change necessary ASAP????
Earlier you said there is no quick answer and everyone is different............... Which is it?

What is wrong with trying to deal with your gender dysphoria head on? What is wrong with going to therapy and starting to go out and present to conquer the fears of going out? What is wrong with taking a position (sticking it out unless you can't in the end?) and evaluating your feelings as they come and what the heck is wrong with posting about it in a very honest and courageous way??

I am quite certain you have never felt the intensity of gender dysphoria that others feel, and yet you have lots to say about it...
I hope you never feel it because it would wipe the smugness right off your face.

[stefan37]

I have not got the impression she is messing things up. But in the past she has posted of her struggles and how it overwhelms her. Yet she does not want to make ANY changes to help her mitigate her GD. She is not dealing with her GD head on but trying all kinds of ways to circumvent it. All notable goals and it's her life. But as she has been posting lately it is overwhelming her and unless she does explore different ways to help her mitigate it she will most likely wipe out and get engulfed bu a tsunami. Just my opinion forged by my experience.

[Marleena]

Deleted as wrong

[GabbiSophia]

Hmm I could take this time to justify myself make arguments and be a jerk. I think instead I will thank those who have given advice and shared Thier experiences. I read each one and take them to heart and weigh my own life and things I want in order to make descions for me. The fact that GD is a pain it is still something I am trying to live with at a reduced level. Thanx again for taking the time to show me your experiences

[lori m crawford]

I know how you fell try doing for 62 yrs

[Scotty]

Sometimes there is no clear answer. The answer comes in acceptance of yourself and not caring what others think.
I have guys, and gals look at my breasts, I enjoy that now instead of hiding it.

For some of us, transition is not a reality, nor do I want to actually. I enjoy the dual life.

Read up on Two Spirited people. It might surprise you how long this has been occuring, it goes back to Egyptian and Sumarian days.
There was even a Pharaoh with boobs!

But for the most part, this made it a lot easier for me to understand:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two-Spirit

[GabbiSophia]

even in acceptance there is emptiness. One dying and one living (lives that is). The issue I face is yes I can accept but I don't accept the paths that are available at this time for correcting or bringing wholeness. This maybe a crazy notion to some but I have turned around and seen where I have been and let it go. I could care less about the past it is today and tomorrow that I care about and the current paths to alleviate my GD at this time I do not want to do. Some same they are done with me because I am to stubborn others think I will come to realize and just give in (this one may have some truth in it as I will not let my mind break) but I am me an individual and this is my journey. I relate to just a couple people here, not just one, but a few. Of those people no two have taken the same path and I shall take a different one also. Who knows if you are on the right path until the end. That is the ride of life. Yes my brain at times drives me crazy, makes me stop and take deep breaths to calm down, and do other things to do what "I" want to do. I am not sure what the future will bring but as of today I am doing it my way. It doesn't make you better than me or me better than you it just makes life go.

Courage imho is doing what you want knowing what the consequences' and hardships are that go with it. Angela courage is always given from others, one never realizes they are courageous until someone else points it out.

[LeaP]

...Imagine a rope unwinding fiber by fiber this is what sometimes my mind feels like. I hope that when I am able to hold the GD up that there enough fibers left but I will not allow the rope to break while trying to hold it. Hope that explains it

A lot of us like to talk about acceptance - me too. The reality is that what some call acceptance may be utter defeat. I didn't surrender. I was beaten into a bloody pulp.

I like your rope metaphor. If you are TS, you will find that those last fibers will let go, despite your attempts to hold the rope together. The question is whether the rope breaks now or later.

[Dianne S]

Me too. Male and alone is usually worst for me. Usually if I'm busy the GD subsides. But if I'm interacting with people somethings something someone says about gender, or seeing a group of girls having fun together, the GD comes back with a vengeance.

This.

When I am alone, I fantasize about being a woman constantly. I sometimes feel a wave of sadness wash over me and my eyes tear over... this is totally new in the last few months and completely out of character for me (or so I thought.)

And yes, when I see GGs laughing and enjoying themselves, I feel a huge pang of regret. I am seeing a therapist in a couple of days, but of course my situation is complex... I've been married for almost 23 years and have three children. I came out to my wife about my CDing before we were married, and only recently about my GD... that was like dropping a bomb. My kids (so far as I know) know nothing.

This really sucks. :( But I'll have to get through it somehow.

[Angela Campbell]

I like your rope metaphor. If you are TS, you will find that those last fibers will let go, despite your attempts to hold the rope together. The question is whether the rope breaks now or later.

and how bad the rope burn is

[Frances]

My favorite metaphor is trying to hold an inflated beach ball submerged in the deep end of a pool. After a while, the ball will slip through the hands and rise up to the surface. Most likely, it will also hit and hurt the person that was holding it at the same time.

[GabbiSophia]

Lea that is where I stand atm. Trying to figure out what it take to not let it break. He'll it may still break after all this but for my own mind I know what I will have done to try. Also i totally get the beat to a pulp comment. 3 weeks ago my brain was a mess and if that had continued I would have been beat to a pulp. It was bad and i do not wish that on anyone.

[Christina Kay]

Trying to live a dual life is not easy. It's like trying to keep 2 polar opposite magnets in line . For me it is dealing with GD and still trying to manage it. I am not a the stage of transition or die. But i am at the stage of wanting to be whom I am. My wife also has to deal with the effects of my GD. I am not at the do it or die stage. There is only what works for you at that moment in time. Maybe I will be at the do it or die stage someday. I hope not.
This is just as hard if not harder for our SO's . The ever evolving women that is in us. For them to witness the fading of there partner and the emergence of a semblance of them . Verges on a possession type horror movie.
The ever growing need to express this side , is almost uncontrollable . From simple CDing , to realizing there is more(but you always knew that) to feminizing your body( shaving totally, growing the nails, feminine mannerisms/gestures that are oh so fulfilling. ). Wanting that moment to be one of the girls. This is the struggle we live everyday, some hopefully find that happy place. Family intact,relationship intact, and having periods of quiet in our minds and lives.
That's all I am striving for with this dual life ,keeping things intact. But it feels like a losing battle at times.

[PaulaQ]

Being transgender is not a choice, it’s a medical condition. I would speculate that most people with a medical condition would seek treatment rather than reject it.


The ever growing need to express this side , is almost uncontrollable .

No, it is uncontrollable. You are powerless over your gender. It a part of you. The sickness of it isn't presenting as the sex opposite of that assigned at birth - but rather the opposite, and presenting as the world expects of you.

[GabbiSophia]

Aretha i agree with you in that is what I am trying to do myself.

In the medical world there are a lot of different options unless it is do or die time
With that said even in the medical world it is always weigh out options and take the path best for you. I am not doing "nothing" anymore rather I am trying to do just enough to keep the life I have. I do not hate my body nor do I hate being male on the outside. I am rather fond of the "pure moments" I get from time to time. It is these moments that allow me to not "take my medicine" as you say. Until the day I no longer have those moments then I will keep searching for a way just to hold it at bay. Yes my gd is not that bad yet and if yours was then I feel for the pain you went through. I do not wish that on anyone. I am a stubburn mule and i am sure the TG purest talk bad about me but the truth of the matter is I hate being told what to do ...even by my own brain. It's about finding your happiness and i am tying ..If you have found yours then I am glad it worked out for you.

This is a field they barely understand and it has been around for thousands of years. So who is to say there isn't another path? 100 years ago small pox was incurable

[PaulaQ]

>>So who is to say there isn't another path? 100 years ago small pox was incurable

Yeah, but someone actually gave enough of a shit to search for a vaccine for smallpox...

Wanna know what causes AIDS - one of the most stigmatized diseases of our generation? Hey, that's a well known fact know - the HIV virus.

Wanna know what causes GD / TG? Me too! But I don't have any freaking clue, and nobody else does either. Mostly because not very many people want to look for it.

@Steph - I've very glad your GD is manageable. I hope it is always so.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I don't see any problems with Steph's comments at all.. She is clearly doing her best..its pretty clear she understands there is a chance that her desire to live this way is at risk no matter how bad she wants it....there is nothing wrong with wanting to avoid transition... I did it for many years.

[Suzanne F]

Aretha this is the best description of what I and my wife are going through I have ever read. It makes me realize this is where I belong not the cross dresser forum. I have been posting these thoughts there and very few respond. Then there will be 50 responses about lipstick. Don't get me wrong I love lipstick but it seems so minor now. I am desperately trying to live a dual life and trying to spare my wonderful wife an experience she didn't ask for. Thanks so much for sharing your experience.
Suzanne

[PaulaQ]

The biggest problem with trying to live a dual life is that mostly the people who succeed at it are the crossdressers, or the non-binary gender folks. (And this is a struggle for some of the non-binary gender trans*.)

It's tempting to try to spare your wife an experience she didn't ask for. The trouble is - you didn't ask for it either! And it isn't like you have any control over it. Your gender is simply beyond your control - you are powerless over it.

Fighting this is a mistake. I made it for a long time. Almost all of us did. In the end, for most of us, it simply doesn't work.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's very true Paula...excellent point..i wholeheartedly agree with you.
Fighting it is very difficult. Unless you are a cd'er or a dual gendered person, you are not going to win any battles with it..

However, I look at the word "Most" in your comment, and I do not think anybody should dismiss the possibility that they are bi-gendered.

Don't transition unless you have to makes sense. And "have to" includes things such as exploring every way to mitigate gender dysphoria possible. Isn't that what Steph is doing?

Apparently her venting about it and stating that as of now (my words) she is dead set against transition is somehow a problem for people...it frustrates people.......I don't get that....

[melissakozak]

In my many, many conversations for nearly five years with my psychiatrist and nearly two now with my gender therapist, I have arrived at a place of peace, but this process has not been without a lot tears along the way. Paula, I agree with you when you say most of the successful dual lifers are CDers at heart. What you mean by successful is someone who seems well adjusted and happy with this type of life, and there doesn't appear to be any compromise. That being said, there are those who are probably self identifying more as female but have somehow managed to mitigate the dysphoria to some degree with a dual life that they don't come completely unglued emotionally. It is not to say the GD is gone, BUT it's not crippling. For my friends who have transitioned, some twenty years ago, some more recently, they lived the dual life for a very, very brief period before realizing transition was the best option for them. Julia Serrano talks about this in her book as well. Eventually, we come to recognize who we are and what we need in order to be happy. Some of my friends believe I am inevitably headed toward transition at some point but I never get any pressure, and I am very close to some wonderful TS friends. They understand my dual life, as I have successfully been able to create it and live it, thus keeping my GD under some kind of control. The conversations we have had throughout the years are quite striking. This road simply isn't easy, and our solutions to it are not either. Namaste....

[Kelly DeWinter]

Steph ;

I'm sorry , but what you are describing in your original post is not GID, but an addiction cycle. In you case the addiction is to Crossdressing I'll admit I could be mistaken, but in all things related to you posts , you should talk to a counselor about addiction as well. There are a lot of people who use Crossdressing as a stress relief, especially people in high profile or high stress jobs . The BIG issue you have to be concerned about is making sure that you either have GID or an addiction. Many people have gone on the road to gender reassignment and have later found that the end result was not the stress relief they sought. That is probably why the normal course is to live as a woman for a year prior to starting on the road to SRS. There is a lot of material available on line to read on both GID and addictions. Too many people get offended at the mere mention of addiction, but facing up to real possibilities will make you better able to cope and make the right choices in the end that are best for you.

[LeaP]

I don't see any problems with Steph's comments at all.. She is clearly doing her best....

...there is nothing wrong with wanting to avoid transition...

I agree with both of these thoughts.

The attempts to recast avoiding transition into a rejection of normalcy and acceptance of stigmatization are way off base, IMO. Forget the rest of society for a minute. The inner conflict we experience is only partly due to that. Moreover, that's something that many never resolve completely. The relevant conflict is between body and mind, which plays independent of any social context.


...
Fighting it is very difficult. Unless you are a cd'er or a dual gendered person, you are not going to win any battles with it..

However, I look at the word "Most" in your comment, and I do not think anybody should dismiss the possibility that they are bi-gendered.

Don't transition unless you have to makes sense. And "have to" includes things such as exploring every way to mitigate gender dysphoria possible. Isn't that what Steph is doing?



Again, I agree. Particularly that the goal is to mitigate GD, not to reflexively jump to the most extreme solution (transition). I think terming the turmoil "fighting" is a bit off. There are aspects of that certainly, but much of it is as much a struggle to understand. People don't suddenly wake up one day, have someone tell them they are transsexual and say "Right ... It's transition for me, then!"

Steph's account of her mind and self-understanding being progressively torn apart is a good description of a phenomenon experienced by many, many others. It can't be rushed or short-circuited, nor is there a known endpoint.

[GabbiSophia]

Kelly I sure pray every night that you are correct and I do not have gid. Sheesh never thought that being "just" a crossdresser sounded so good. On the other hand I for damn sure am not patronizing anyone ..especially anyone with gd. I am amazed though that how different it is for each person and to watch people try to rate or rank their gd. I deal with what I deal with if i could give it to you for you to tell me what it is then where do I sign up? And keep it for awhile so I don't have to deal with it for a bit. I should prob stop now before someone has to edit my post.

Lea and Kaitlyn thanx for the support.

Melissa it is a very thin line to walk I find myself on one foot losing balance all the time right now. Since the clothes really don't help all irate the buzz in the head or chest. What is next to try for dual?

[LeaP]

Steph, continue doing exactly what you are doing. If you are not working with a therapist, however, you will likely find that useful in accelerating the workout. I take your comments as affirmatively confronting the problem to the extent that you understand it. As long as you are doing that and not ignoring it, this is highly likely to resolve itself in time. By the way, I don't mean that the issues will necessarily disappear. I mean that you will eventually find clarity and understand their root cause.

Should you prove to be TS, there is a long way to go yet. In that instance, Frances' comment will prove to have been spot on. But you can only know that in hindsight.

[PaulaQ]

What is next to try for dual?

What you could try is to achieve some hormonal congruence in your mind by going onto a relatively low dosage of HRT. Some people find that dosages that don't bring about rapid physical changes are sufficient to alleviate their GD. I can't attest to this personally because I didn't really achieve any peace of mind until I was on a pretty high dosage of E, enough that the hormones and my genetics put me on the express train to girl town.

But I have heard of cases where this works.

I sympathize deeply with your plight Steph, I honestly do, and it's certainly what I wanted. I just didn't get it. Few of us do. My best advice is to worry less about keeping your life intact, and do whatever you have to do to alleviate your GD. If you are lucky, your life may bear some resemblance to what it used to look like. This is an incredibly hard condition to deal with - it's all well and good for me to say "worry about your life second" and forget about little details like your marriage, kids, and your JOB. I know full well what a struggle all of those things can be, and that the pressure the world puts on you to conform is immense.

That is the incredible cruelty of our condition - the world prefers us to suffer!

Still, my best and most heartfelt advice is for you to take care of yourself first honey, and worry about the world second. If you don't have yourself, their opinion really doesn't much matter.

I wish you the best.

[Angela Campbell]

I would think that at this point you really should spend some time with a good gender therapist to try to come to terms and understand what is going on with your gender issues. We are not experts and cannot make good diagnoses, it takes a lot of time with a good therapist who is very skilled and you are comfortable with. You may work this out on your own but a good therapist would speed things up dramatically. Is it GD? Is it something else? I don't know, but it seems that finding out would be the first step to finding a solution.

[Frances]

I am post-op and post transition and Steph's post resonate with me as well. I long bargained with myself and compartimentalized to the max. Steph may or may not be trans, but she is only giving us a snapshot of her mental state, which may change tomorrow for all we know. I started going to see doctors at 16 to help me in my denial. I transitioned at 42. I wished I could live a dual life, but could not in the end. Nothing about Steph's posts sound off to me.

[LeaP]

I agree also. Steph's account is a common portion of the narrative at one point of discovery and crisis.

Oh, and in before the lock ...

[Rianna Humble]

Let me make a few things clear here, then we can get this thread back on track:

1) Steph has every right to post here and to describe her current condition in the way the she thinks best suits

2) Whilst people have the right to disagree with other posters, they must do it in a manner that is constructive and not argumentative or insulting

3) If you have a problem with what someone is writing, use the report function, don't start an argument - Nigella and I have jobs and cannot be policing this thread 24/7/365.25

[Michelle789]

Steph, I would definitely see a gender specialist about this. Not just any therapist, but one who specializes in gender issues. Whatever your gender identity is, and whoever you are, you are and I accept you as you are, whoever that may be. You need to come to terms with yourself and whatever your gender identity is, and follow the path that is right for you. If living a dual life is still causing you stress, then that may be an indicator that you need to transition fully. Once again a gender specialist will be able to help you.

Remember that just because you haven't had any suicidal thoughts, that doesn't mean you're not TS. Don't wait until you get suicidal, because then it might be too late. It is okay to have fetishes or not to have fetishes. Being trans has many symptoms, and you do not need to have all of them to be trans. A gender specialist will help you greatly with this. I have my first appointment with a gender specialist next week.

This is not a math course. This is not a logic course. This is not "if I have this and this than I'm trans, and if I don't have this or that then I'm not trans." This is not
suicidal thoughts + fetish = trans
nor
-1 x suicidal thoughts = -1 x trans.

This is self-discovery, and is about feeling who you really are.