Ice broken...now what?

[Brandi Lesalle]

Wow I thought that telling my wife would be the hardest thing, but now I am at a loss of words of how to continue the discussion. Should I lead it, should I let her come to me. I want to know her feelings about it but I feel like I'm in the pink fog and would rush things. We haven't spoken about it since I came out to her so now I feel a bit lost.:sad:

[winci]

It depends. What was her reaction? Did she give you any indication how well she took it in?

[Lorileah]

step back, let her process it. Then when she is ready to talk you need to talk...and be honest about everything

[PaulaQ]

Don't let her NOT talk about it forever though. If it goes more than a week, you need to bring it up.
Be prepared for a couple of things:
1. Her initial reaction may not be her final reaction, either good or bad.
2. It takes many women a while to really process this stuff, and it can be a roller coaster ride for a while. Don't be defensive in all of this.

What made you decide to tell her? Not that it really matters now, since you did.

[Marcelle]

I let my wife come to me after I told her. She needed a day to process but once she did then we sat down for a big long talk. I let her ask whatever questions she thought needed answering and once those were exhausted then I shared everything else which did not ask. We still take one day a week to discuss all things CDing just to ensure there is no miscommunication and believe me, miscommunication is very easy with the thing we do.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

Brandi - Lorileah's is good advice - step back, be calm, be patient - keep demonstrating that nothing is really different...

It was only - four days ago? And you've revealed something that I'd suggest is the equivalent in magnitude of having a 3rd party in the relationship that your wife didn't know about for years. That would take anybody time to process... in some cases a lot of time and thought. If you feel you should say something keep it very low level - zero pressure...

Keep Calm & Carry On... :hugs:

Katey x

[Brandi Lesalle]

[QOTE=PaulaQ;3430415]

What made you decide to tell her? Not that it really matters now, since you did.[/QUOTE]

I just couldn't deal with the depression and it was starting to affect my family life. I was pissed off all the time for no good reason.

[Julie Gaum]

The advise offered are on the mark however it seems to me that there is a reason for not telling us of her initial reaction as that would have been a real clue to who should speak up next. Your ball.
Julie

[PaulaQ]

I just couldn't deal with the depression and it was starting to affect my family life. I was pissed off all the time for no good reason.

Did you come out as "just a CD", or as transgendered? She may not know the difference, so it may not matter, but do you have a good handle on your gender identity? I ask because the symptoms you report are often indicative of someone who may be more than "just a CD", and may in fact be trans. You might consider seeing a gender therapist to talk about this - also such a therapist, if your wife is willing, could help the two of you discuss what's going on with you, and help her understand you better.

It's very possible that your wife really has no idea WHAT to think. Issues with gender, even those of the "I'm just a CD" variety are really WAY out there for most people -they often just have no experience with them and no frame of reference for them.

[Jenniferathome]

You ask her if she has any questions or concerns she'd like to discuss. She can take you up on the offer or pass. Let her know you will ask her the something occasionally.

[Caden Lane]

Spend some time romancing her a bit. It may help her see that nothings changed...or may even be better.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Brandi, The ball is in her court now just don't over whelm her.

[Vanessa Rose]

Listen Brandi... take a huge breath. Breath in and Breath out. Now


Watch for signs and for her to lead. We can't tell you what to do... You know her... do what you think is best but go slow and be gentle.


The right way will come. Just be yourself... good luck


Vanny

[Helen Grandeis]

Good luck. Don't rush. Make sure she knows that you love her.

[Alexis.j]

Definitely bring it up if she says nothing for a week or two. Some people seem to handle problems in a 'ignore it and it will go away' attitude, which will not help your situation at all.

If it is causing you distress, it is something that has to be adressed, or else it will eat away at you.

[Caden Lane]

If you think it might bring her some comfort, you might recommend that she go see a therapist with you. Id fully recommend that you establish a relationship with a therapist, preferrably one that specializes in gender issues. Catch thd therapist up on where you are at and let them know youd like a session with your wife present so she can ask questions if she likes. I tried the same thing with my second wife...the only problem was that my therapist wasnt trying to cure me...so my wife at the time had no interest in going.

[Amanda M]

Gently, gently, Brandi. Dont rush things, don't push her - but don't let her brush things under the carpet. Right now she needs all the love and reassurance - and honesty that you can give.

As for seeing a therapist - at this stage I think that is NOT necessary in that it would almost be stigmatizing something in your relationship. Further down the road, when her feelings and needs have been clarified, that may be useful.

[Aprilrain]

If you treat CDing like it is bad and there is something wrong with you then she will use that to either, make a decision about how she feels about it, or she will use it to add to the list of reasons why she already thinks its bad and wrong.

My wife grew to dislike the CDing because she could see that I disliked the CDing. I didn't have acceptance so how could she?

It was all quite moot since CDing was just a symptom of a larger issue for me, That pesky wanting to be a woman thing, DAMN!

[Raychel]

Like the other have said, give her time to process the information,
then if she hasn't said anything, you may want to brush the subject with her
and get her feelings.

[DaphneMiller]

You have to find a balance between giving her space to process the situation, and not letting her ignore it completely.

Like many other, I wrestled with the guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc for years before I accepted who I was. It's unreasonable to expect loved ones to be totally cool with it in a matter of days...

Daphne

[Diedre]

You have done all you can up yo this point. Please be patient, let your wife process what you told her. After feeling comfortable she will get back to you. Especially if the relationship is sound and based on true love.

[Beverley Sims]

Brandi,
Let your wife take it in for now and and the questions will come when she is ready..

Do not yell, she is not deaf, and then it will be time for formative discussions.

Do not ask her opinions of how you look these can be painful answers and will put her under pressure.
Above all be tender, thoughtful and proceed slowly.
That means.... Don't rush it!