Going through the emotions

[Billiejosehine]

I say my therapist today and will be seeing them until the end of the month; when I will be seeing a gender therapist. I would like to transition, but I know I need to wait until all the dust in my life clears and I'm more emotionally stable from all the chaos in my life. As I still go through the emotions from a personal death of my old self and my old life. The hardest thing is letting go and stop holding on to ideas and dreams of a life I thought I wanted and thinking it's going to ever work. I'm not in control of everything after all. In the time I have been on my own, I spend my nights feeling alone and lost, yet I know I have a lot of support around me. I spend these nights in my aloneness asking myself what if's: if I kept my secret better hidden or if I did something about my GD when I was approached by my mom as a teen asking if I needed counseling. I wonder to myself how life could be different if I never had these feelings of wanting to be a women and the need to emulate myself as a women by CD'ing. Why was I dealt these cards in life and feel like I'm suffering, while it seems like everyone else is able to doings with no problem. I just wish I had an easier, normal life. It's hard to envision what my future will be like and that is scary. And I believe that's the main reason I still want my old life back, even if I was not my true self, because I know what it's like and what to expect.

[Vanessa5]

I think you are trying to find comfort from the past. When you take the path less traveled there are more things that seem to want to hurt you. Even things in your own head. I have been at the point your at now and there is hope. Once I accepted this part of me, things started to get better. I hope things start to get better for you.

[I Am Paula]

It seems you are moving forward, and your concerns all seem very normal to me. I think all of us have been though most of them. Of course you miss your old life. It was comfortable, and you knew what to expect. At the same time, you GD is forcing you to leave that life and forge a new one. Hopefully it will be better. As you move forward, your old life will become just a memory. Believe me, there's plenty to do in your new one. I thought I could envision my new life, but reality kicked in, and it's nothing at all like I expected...it is SOOO much better. With your recent break up, and the dawning of a new you, you have every right to be scared, unsure, and emotional. I hope you and your therapist can work thru' this, and come out the other side a happy girl, or whatever you want to be.

[Suzanne F]

Billie
I feel your pain. I am being torn apart trying to do what is right for everyone. I guess we have to be grateful for each moment. I know that I seldom really know what is best. God surprises me with His solutions every time I think here is no way out. I would have told you it would be impossible for me to be sitting here in a Starbucks en femme in the Castro. That I would be going to 12 step meetings as Suzanne. That I would have 5 lady friend from this forum I was meeting afterwards. We just have to put one front in front of the other and have faith. There is beauty in being who we are. It is just hard to remember in front of the world sometime.
Suzanne

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Billie Jo, You are traveling a new road fasten your seatbelt and hang on.

[PaulaQ]

To be honest, my therapist wanted me to wait to start HRT until I was stable. Unfortunately the stable state for me at that point was dead.

I faked "stable", got my estrogen, and it saved my life.

Don't wait.

[Katey888]

Billie - that is a good reflection from you on where you are - I think it feels like you' re making progress already.. :cheer: - although it may not always feel like it...

It is natural for any of us to yearn for what used to be - you're right to consider it a grieving process - I know I've been through that with one significant relationship in my life. And it does feel lonely but you are doing the right thing for you - you need to work through this and at some point, things will come good for you :). There are people here who will do their best to support you, and you will find others in life, as you say, once the dust settles and you can do some good things for you.

Hang in there - the only way is up! :hugs:

Katey x

[I Am Paula]

PaulaQ- Isn't that strange, how some therapists, and doctors want you to wait till deal with emotional issues, when it is HRT that will help with them the best? Catch 22. Like saying you can't have a band aid till you stop bleeding.

[Helen Grandeis]

HRT usually validates the correctness of the choice by providing intense relief; however, the must be cases of negative emotional, mental awareness or physical side effects. That's why these things are professionally supervised. Best wishes to you on your journey!

[Beverley Sims]

Billie,
Interesting to see you have come to the fork in the road.....
I wish you well in making the right decision.
In your case I feel the therapists are your best friends for now.

[Billiejosehine]

Seeing that current therapist is uncomfortable and wanted to show her I was stable and have support so I'm not alone, which I do, I wonder how I would have to wait to get a letter; if at all. But I'm thankful for all the help my therapist has given me up until now. I don't want have jump through hoops to prove to them what I already know. I'm slowly getting other things in my life in order, but I have just get out of my own negative, self defeating thoughts. I'm meeting with an LGBTQ friendly attorney next week, who can't believe what I'm going through based on the phone conversation. I'm also meeting my new therapist at the end of the month. So I know things are coming together slowly.