The Ultimate Plan

[PretzelGirl]

Things are settling out in my mind. Of course that is when my therapist goes on vacation for a couple of weeks. :D But on the way out, he gave me a homework assignment of putting together a transition plan. Now I know these things aren't perfect and I read in earlier threads where many aren't asked for something like this. But I deal with things by planning carefully and since he probably saw that, I am thinking he is going to use this to have me face all the components, know that is what I want, and minimize my fears where appropriate (fear can be a good thing sometimes).

So following all of the guidance here, I went to TSRoadMap and consumed it. Then I searched for the word "Plan" in this forum and have been reading for a few hours. Most of it isn't a big surprise, as I have been reading this forum for many years. But it seems when the subject comes up of timing of when you did things, everyone states what they did, but I am not finding anything about what everyone would do if time, money, and medical resources weren't an issue.

So I want to throw out a few questions with the thought of what you feel the best case scenario would be. Of course, we can probably never achieve something like that, but that doesn't mean that things can't lean in that direction. I am going with the assumption that any GRS can be thought of later since I would need the RLE first and that is what I am working towards. Also, social transition is something that starts on its own naturally and lasts for quite a while I would think. I also already have the hair growth and have almost 3 years of facial hair removal, so I am just fine with those items.

Is there a difference in convenience in performing the legal name change before or after going fulltime? I have a situation where it may be convenient to wait, but I don't want that to be a limiting factor to when I do it.

Kathryn said in an earlier thread, 'I remember the day my "give aways" finally got to "totally out there".' This has me thinking. Many start HRT before coming out at work. I know HRT affects everyone differently, but if you were back at square one, what is the longest period you would have between starting HRT and going fulltime and possibly avoid giveaways? I know it sounds like an odd question pushing it out. But my wish would be to tell my family in person which is 3 different trips to the other three corners of the US along with telling others. I realize the reality may be visit Mom and call the rest while speeding up the timeline.

I work for a large company. I see where many came out and we have the sticky with the letters. But if you work for a large company and did it all over again, how far in advance would you contact management/HR?

I assume the absolute ultimate is leaving work, changing your name, having FFS, and then showing back up fulltime 3-4 weeks later. I also suspect that happens just about never.

BTW, did I ever mention I tend to overthink things? :) This is probably why I plan things so much.

[LeaP]

I work for a large company. I see where many came out and we have the sticky with the letters. But if you work for a large company and did it all over again, how far in advance would you contact management/HR?


I'm also at a large company. Haven't transitioned yet, but I'm thinking 6 months in advance of transition max. I've had anonymous conversations with HR, but that's obviously not the same thing.


I assume the absolute ultimate is leaving work, changing your name, having FFS, and then showing back up fulltime 3-4 weeks later. I also suspect that happens just about never.

That's what I have in mind ...

[Angela Campbell]

That is what I did. I started hormones and contacted my HR (also a very large company) last June. I continued working on hair, wardrobe and coming out to family. Right before Christmas I took off from work, had FFS, got the name change, DL, SS the works, and came back this week with support from HR.

Originally my plan was to go full time next June but I just could not wait that long.

Maybe I was lucky but I cannot imagine things going any better for me than they did.

Hint.....3 to 4 weeks is pushing things depending on what you get for FFS. It takes a while to heal to the point you can use makeup to hide the bruising and for the swelling to go down. I took almost a month after light FFS. In my avatar you can see some bruising - 3 weeks after surgery. (no makeup on face)

Name change. For me I did not want to attempt to work as a girl with a mans name. I have to use credit cards and show ID a lot for security and getting the name change in conjunction with going full time at work was essential. Getting it early would have issues as well.

If you tend to overthink things just wait until the day you first go to work as a woman. I almost melted down overthinking things.

[Frances]

For me it was timing hair removal with going full-time. I started hair removal a good two years prior to hormones. I told HR a year before hormones and went full-time 6 months after starting hormones. Surgery was 18 months after full-time. That as much of a plan as I had. I went broke though the process and had to sacrifice some things, but I made it to other side.

[Jorja]

The reason you do not find anything about what everyone would do if time, money, and medical resources weren't an issue is because it rarely happens that way. 99.8% of us have to struggle and sell everything we own and do things we really would rather not to get the money for transition. It usually happens in short little bursts. Then we save up for the next go around.

Keep in mind this is only a plan you are writing. Do not write it in blood or carve it in stone. Things do change and things don't always go as planned. There are a million and one things that will get in the way of your plan, count on it.

We are all different but on average you will have roughly 6 months to 1 year on HRT before any real changes are noticeable. Some sooner, some later.

Most go for the name change right before going full time. Once the name change is legal then they consider full time.

When to contact your HR department is a personal decision. It boils down to whenever you feel the moment is right for you.

Having FFS and GRS again are personal decisions. They happen whenever you can afford them.

Over thinking everything is what is going to hold you back. You need to become decisive and strike while the iron is hot. There is nothing wrong with, and it should be expected to do your homework first before you make a move. Once you decide, set a date and follow through.

[PretzelGirl]

I'm also at a large company. Haven't transitioned yet, but I'm thinking 6 months in advance of transition max.

I was thinking in the 3-4 month window, so that helps make that feel better. It seems that they shouldn't need a lot of time, but I wouldn't want to undercut them as it wouldn't benefit me for them to be pushed.


Right before Christmas I took off from work, had FFS, got the name change, DL, SS the works, and came back this week with support from HR.

Sweet! It is probably hard for most to sync that up, particularly the FFS, but it has to make you feel better that it worked out that way.


Hint.....3 to 4 weeks is pushing things depending on what you get for FFS.

I was wondering about that also. I know a few have posted pictures here before, but I didn't recall a total recovery time. So that is something to deal with no matter when it happens, unless you can take a lot of downtime.


If you tend to overthink things just wait until the day you first go to work as a woman. I almost melted down overthinking things.


Over thinking everything is what is going to hold you back. You need to become decisive and strike while the iron is hot. There is nothing wrong with, and it should be expected to do your homework first before you make a move. Once you decide, set a date and follow through.

I think I am getting the message that this is something else to work through during therapy. It has always been part of my personality, but maybe it is time to learn to tone it down.


Keep in mind this is only a plan you are writing. Do not write it in blood or carve it in stone. Things do change and things don't always go as planned. There are a million and one things that will get in the way of your plan, count on it.

I do get that. There is no good plan that will happen the way it is planned. There is a lot of time to be covered, so if I am not flexible, I just won't be ready. But I want to visualize the whole path to start and adapt from there.


We are all different but on average you will have roughly 6 months to 1 year on HRT before any real changes are noticeable. Some sooner, some later.

I think I let my fear factor get in on that one. Most have said here anywhere from 9 months to never and then I saw one post that said that in 4 months it was hard to hide and I backed up a bit.

[Rianna Humble]

My experience is probably fairly atypical in a lot of ways, but for what it's worth:

I started speaking to HR about 4 months before beginning my transition and we put together a small working party to discuss the practicalities.

About 2 months before beginning, I sought help from my doctor to get the referrals I would need.

One month before starting transition, I was screened by a mental health specialist (I can never remember the subtleties between Psychiatrist, psychologist and psyfi) to ensure I did not have any mental health problems that would need to be treated either first or in parallel and sought the referral to the Gender Identity Clinic which is the UK NHS pathway for treating Gender Dysphoria.

In the 4 weeks leading up to the start of my transition, I worked on an FAQ to explain things to colleagues and other staff who would come in contact with me but might not feel confident asking me direct questions. I got a couple of my co-workers to proof-read the FAQs and suggest possible improvements.

On the eve of my first day at work as Rianna, I got my manager to countersign the documents that would legalise my name change although we dated them for the following day.

Then followed a delay of 48 weeks before I got my first clinic appointment so I had been full-time for nearly a year and a half before I was able to start Hormone Therapy.

I was later referred for voice therapy by my primary clinician at the GIC

Other health concerns mean I cannot plan Gender Confirmation Surgery at this time which is a real downer for me.

[Angela Campbell]

My therapist asked me to make a plan also. In that plan I was looking at a year, and it turned out that the closer you get the more you want it. He also asked me "what are you waiting for?" I really had no answer so I moved things up.

Overall what I did was very close to my plan. The things that caused differences were setting dates for surgery and court for name change. Both came a little quicker than I wanted but it was not a real problem.

As far as having to do it because of changes brought about by hormones, It was around 4 months I started hiding my breasts. By now
(6 mos) it was difficult to do so, but I probably could have gone a little longer, most of the problem was I could see it, but I do not think many others did. Well some did, but I was at the point that my ID looked so different from me that it was not always being accepted so that was a factor as well.

For me the plan was everything and it worked very well.

[PretzelGirl]

Rianna, I find it interesting that a work manager signs off on your name change. What is the thought process behind this? Can they effectively block your name change by not signing? I am of the mindset that I will want to be educational instead of totally stealth as I don't want an elephant in the room taking away from my ability to perform my job. I like these comments on meetings and FAQs as they are good ideas to mull over on how they apply to my situation.

Angela, I am glad to hear your plan went off pretty much as you wanted. I know there has to many adjustments, that is life. But to stay within a reasonable range of the plan probably has to keep the emotions settled, as much as they can anyway given the likely anxiety. It is interesting your comment about surgery and name change coming fast. My mind is part that I want plenty of time to make sure I can talk with family and work and another part says get it over with so you can move on from there. Balance....

[Angela Campbell]

Well Sue.....you'll find out, LOL.

[Nigella]

Rianna, I find it interesting that a work manager signs off on your name change. What is the thought process behind this? Can they effectively block your name change by not signing?

In the UK, if I understand Rianna's method of name change, we have what is called a "deed poll". It is in effect an official declaration that we renounce our former name and any further use of it in favour of our new name. This document is witnessed and from that point on you are officially known by the name you have declared on your deed poll. At the same time you can renounce your title, i.e. Mr and change that to Miss, Mrs, Ms etc. I believe that is what Rianna meant by "signed off".

As for planning, well remember the saying "the best laid plans of mice and men". I did not plan any of my transition, it happened bit by bit, step by step. I never looked beyond the stage I was at, making sure I understood what I was doing and why, weighing up the pros and cons. My transition was looked at so critically by me that I always prepared for the worse that could happen, that way I was never going to be disappointed, always happy with the outcome. If that makes sense :)

[Rianna Humble]

Rianna, I find it interesting that a work manager signs off on your name change.

There was nothing sinister about that. I needed a witness who had known me for more than a year and who was not related to me - so I asked my manager to be that witness and she agreed.

[PretzelGirl]

Well Sue.....you'll find out, LOL.

It does seem I will. The talking is helping as the anxiety is going down with each confirming thought shared.


As for planning, well remember the saying "the best laid plans of mice and men". I did not plan any of my transition, it happened bit by bit, step by step. I never looked beyond the stage I was at, making sure I understood what I was doing and why, weighing up the pros and cons. My transition was looked at so critically by me that I always prepared for the worse that could happen, that way I was never going to be disappointed, always happy with the outcome. If that makes sense :)

Absolutely! I always fear the worst too and deal with it by planning. But it seems it is time to let go of at least some of that. The strangest part for me is that I have a great relationship with my entire family. I am well known at work and I assume, well liked. We have had a couple of people transition on the job before, although the last was 10 years ago. You would think that it is as good a look as it gets before actually talking with people. Even with that, I still plan for the worst. It is good to be on the safe side I guess.


In the UK, if I understand Rianna's method of name change, we have what is called a "deed poll". It is in effect an official declaration that we renounce our former name and any further use of it in favour of our new name.


There was nothing sinister about that. I needed a witness who had known me for more than a year and who was not related to me - so I asked my manager to be that witness and she agreed.

I wasn't thinking sinister so much as just not understanding why your manager was the one. That makes perfect sense that he/she was a witness. I like that you can forward date it as it probably helps a little on the planning side. I need to dig into it more now, but I suspect mine would be at the whim of an arbitrary court date.

[Angela Campbell]

When my therapist asked me to work out a plan, he was clear that whatever plan I did come up with would not be the exact way things will go. In fact it changed several times. The point of making a plan was to get me to look at as many aspects and possible roadblocks as I could come up with so I had at least a little bit of an idea what to expect. It allowed me to think more clearly and not ignore some things that could make things much more difficult. It made me think about it.

Since he had transitioned himself I was able to discuss the plan and get really good feedback on what is likely to take place by going different routes. I was able to envision many things I never could have otherwise.

In the end I began my plan and as I learned more, or saw what was coming, I changed to fit what was ahead. I was able to avoid some problems I didn't want to have, but I could not ever anticipate all of them, and making set dates was impossible. The results so far have been about as good as I could have imagined and much better than I expected.

Six months from beginning transition to successfully living full time is not bad, at least for me.

YMMV

[bas1985]

as transition is in "ultimate" analysis the discovery and letting go out of one's true self... can not be planned by definition, as you do not know what you are... maybe you want it all, maybe not, stay the course and enjoy the ride. You make plans... but God will alter them to your benefit, so be prepared to a lot of twists and unexpected (also for the better!) changes.

[Rianna Humble]

I may seem to be nitpicking, but I have always known "what" I am - I am a woman condemned until recently to live in a male role. What I want is to be whole, and I do not rely on any god or even the flying spaghetti monster to decide my path.

[PretzelGirl]

When my therapist asked me to work out a plan, he was clear that whatever plan I did come up with would not be the exact way things will go. In fact it changed several times. The point of making a plan was to get me to look at as many aspects and possible roadblocks as I could come up with so I had at least a little bit of an idea what to expect. It allowed me to think more clearly and not ignore some things that could make things much more difficult. It made me think about it.

This is exactly what I think my therapist is getting to. Not so much something to start on now but making me look at it all. I will know on Friday when I see him again.

I did have a talk with my oldest daughter (Suzie Q GG (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/member.php?78138-Suzie-Q-GG)). She has always been supportive and we are best friends. There have been times it was me and her. She knew I was in therapy, but she didn't have the details why. So I told her as I want her to be out in front of everyone else. As I thought she would, she said she would be there with me no matter what. But she had to go think through things and then she would be ready to talk again. When I made my plan, I looked at her as the toughest one in the family for me to talk about this with because I knew it would be tough on her emotionally. Now we will see how that goes.