Did you ever honestly believe "it" would go away?

[Anna H]

Reading the interesting threads about how necessary to
us dressing up is, I wondered If I could recall a time that I
truly believed that I was "over it". But now, I don't think I can.

From about 8 to 16, I'd do what I could, when I could. Cut-off jean
mini skirts mostly....I was dying for shoes, but had but no way to
get my own.

My first real girlfriend...when I was 16...knew I'd wear one of her
dresses....but I never dressed fully (makeup/etc). We ended up
living together for several years. I Loved that dress and would wear
it every chance I got. It was no problem.

My second real girlfriend...about 2 years....never knew, but that's
because the first went running her mouth after we broke up...so I'd
just do it in secret with my second. She never knew.

My third...I married...I thought for sure I'd ease into it and all would
be fine. I wasn't driven to dress when we got together, but i knew
I would be soon enough. She hit the ceiling at the first hint of such
a thing. And while that didn't cause the breakup of the marriage, I knew
it'd be a problem at some point. So I wasn't too very heartbroken when
I got my own life back.

All that had short periods of bliss when I could do as I pleased, but
I always wanted a GF, so those times never lasted long.

My now wife knew from the start. All has been Great for 25 years...except
when I had to stop for 10 years due to an on-call 24/7 job. That very
nearly killed me. I wasn't in a good mood the last 5 years of it.

But anyway, I don't recall a single time I'd wished to be done with it.
I just always liked it and never felt guilt or shame.

Just wondering how many ever 'thought for sure' they were 'done with it'.
--Only to have it come back out of nowhere...

♥

[Marcia Blue]

I believed dressing would go away, both times I got married. I really believed......so I was wrong. I now know that dressing is part of who I am. I wish the rest of the world was OK with it.

[Katey888]

Yes Kate - probably several times I thought (and fervently hoped) that it had gone... replaced by being busy and impassioned by other things.

But it won't go, will it? When I started reading threads here (only a couple of months ago...) I thought those who believed this was 'hard-wired' were using physiology or neurology or just plain old biology as a convenient excuse.

I don't think that anymore. :eek:

As I type this, happily looking down on red fingernails battering plastic keys (I'll let you know why in a thread later - teaser!!) - I do now want to find a way to at least get to an accommodation with my wife on the need for Katey. Goodness knows how - but where there's a will...

And I'm afraid there are still tinges of guilt and shame - but I recognise now that most of that stems from societal mores - and I'm caring less about that as I go on...

In some ways I wish it would go away - but only if the void it left wouldn't be as painful and shattering as I suspect it would.

I'm beginning to like the Katey part of me... slightly selfish and narcissistic I know, but who amongst us isn't? :thinking:

Katey x

[PretzelGirl]

I have never even tried to be over it. From the time I started doing anything related to being TG, it has just been an upward trajectory of acceptance.

[Kate Simmons]

It never does go away for most of us Kate. The best thing we can do is accept who we are and accept our feelings and take ownership of them and responsibility for our own actions. If we make it a total choice rather than leave it as a compulsion that puts us in charge as to where and when, Otherwise the process can overwhelm us and that is not good. In short, we make it work for us and just enjoy it.:)

[Milou]

I still see it as a curse, but I guess I have to deal with it someday. I haven't crossdressed for over 7 years and In the last couple of weeks the urge to crossdress hasn't been there at all. I'm so conflicted, it's like 2 spirits are living in my body.

[dana digs sweaters]

Never.
Never gave it a thought about stopping.
Too much fun when young and continuing on as I grew older.
Every aspect of female clothes that I learned about amazed me.
And even more so after high school to consciously make the decision to purchase the needed items for a complete female look that I could create in private.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Yes ... & it did for decades & only resurfaced last fall . After reading countless posts as to nature vs . nurture , I can tell you from truly personal experience that an avalanche of stressors resulted in me experimenting with the creature & then creating the Frankenstein monster. I truly wish that I did not cd as it has caused further unsettling, but on the other hand, it has provided incredible inner peace & joy. At this stage in my marriage, I can only fully underdress 1-2 times per week, but the excitement , joy & thrill of wearing lingerie,etc. is simply beyond description!!! I too have reconciled that Melissa is here to stay, that she wants to grow in her feminine journey & someday dress 24/ 7 if she so chose. Yes, there is no cure for cding & for that, I sometimes loathe that fact & then envelope myself in the joy. Need to work on the contradictions. Peace, mel

[MsVal]

I read quite a few tales of hardship stemming from crossdressing. I suspect the lives of many on this forum would be simpler and less anxious if they never had the urge to crossdress. For those people, yes, it would be a blessing to be done with crossdressing. They could be spending time, money, and attention on things that unite families, not divide them. Am I in that group? I don't know. I am so confused.

Some write about it providing a feeling of relaxation, euphoria, or excitement. So do alcohol, drugs, and gambling, but if it were those instead of crossdressing, we would be having a very different conversation.

... now let me tell you about the really cute brown, knee length, tooled leather, fur lined boots I saw yesterday ...

Best wishes
MsVal

[Tina B.]

At times I really believed I had out grown it, once when I went into the service, I really manned up during my time in service. When I got married the first time, I knew having a wife would "cure me", and lastly the second time I got married, I new it was just a matter of finding the right woman, and this time I had.
Of course 5 years latter I was back in a dress, but luckily, this time I had found the right woman, and she had no problem with my life style.
It was at that point in my late 20's I knew it was never going away, and with a accepting wife, I forgot about giving it up and learned to enjoy it, might as well enjoy it, it's going to be a part of life for the rest of my life. And as far as being "cured", I finally realized, I can't be "cured", I'm not sick!

[Beverley Sims]

I will start believing that after I see god walk down Sunset Boulevard. :)

[rachaelsloane]

Like others have said, "It never goes away".
When I was married (before the internet) my wife knew and we would set a day/night, shipping off our daughter (our only) to a friends house, etc. My next two GF's never knew and I would find time while they were out to quickly dress.
Before going forward, let me preface that over those 40 years, I never went out (except for the quick walk to the mail box, etc.), never really had real desire to, only a fantasy.
After breaking up with with my last GF, I joined this forum, met one of the girls on this forum and went out for the first time, and the world did not end.
Over this time, lost count of how many, I've met many more girls from here as well as only going out to mainstream places (restaurants, theaters, museums, etc.) and am have too good a time.
So to answer your question,
Did you ever honestly believe "it" would go away?, no, but now the real problem, should I meet someone, is that during all my previous relationships, I was able to suppress the desire/need to dress, but no longer.
The ultimate would be to meet someone while in "Rachael" mode.

[CarlaWestin]

The first time around I thought that full on, mature relationship immersion would make the dress up desire wane away. It did, except for the bras and water filled forms and pantyhose I kept hidden under the dashboard. Telling my ex just led to the big D. I knew right then and there that it wouldn't go away so I adopted a policy of full disclosure to prospective partners. My tweener (between marriages) pretended to like and accept my creative side but she was just a phoney. And full disclosure to my wife hasn't been the magic key to full appreciation. And besides. I never want it to go away.

[Erica Marie]

I think at one point or another we all have been through this. We make a major life change, be it a gf or wife and we think in our head that it will just go away. We purge and think it will all be better. Well seems it always strikes with a vengance. I have come to learn over the last 30 yrs any further life changes include my dressing or there is no change. It is a part of me and will never just "go away"

[bridget thronton]

I never thought it would go away - just keep looking for ways to integrate it into my life

[Erica Anne]

I have often hoped and believed it would go away. When I got married the first time, I was able to suppress it, ignore it. When I discovered what my ex-wife was hiding from me, why am I holding back on who I am if she cannot sacrifice her inner desires why should I. From that point onward if she want to go out, let her, I will stay home wearing her clothes....hahaha. I have a lot of resentment for my ex-wife. She left me with a lot of baggage to unload. From that point onward, my feminine side will always be a part of me so why not enjoy life ? There may be truth to this, "the only cure to cross dressing is to cross dress."

[Vanessa Rose]

honestly, I never did want it to go away. I only wanted it more, closer to me, to touch it, feel it. be...it (Vanessa).

V

[Teresa]

I thought it might diminish with age instead it's getting stronger.

[ShelbyDawn]

I can remember as far back as being five or six and enjoying wearing my moms and sisters stuff. It just felt right. All through High school, I'd steal my sisters' panties to wear and when I could I would borrow their dresses.
After I went off to college, the need to dress just sort of faded. I never thought about it for over 35 years until my very dysfunctional marriage( my ex was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive) started to disintegrate.
About ten years ago, I started to wear my wife's panties and as the marriage got worse, I began to borrow more of her stuff, now that the divorce is final and I don't have to worry about her opinion so much, I under-dress every day and dress fully as often as possible.
Not sure why I "need" to dress now after not dressing for 35 years. With the help of an excellent therapist, I have figured out that I was pretty much born this way and probably always will need/want to dress to some extent.
My guess is that after all those years of being beat down and devalued by my ex, I reverted to a core comfort zone, dressing, and now that I am rebuilding myself into a strong confident person, I get the pleasure of keeping the dressing.
So, I guess my ex sort of did me favor.

:hugs:

Shelby

[Milou]

Oh no, all these messages sure are discouraging :'). Help

[Adriana Moretti]

I tried to make it go away once....forced it down inside...yup it popped back out...im done with that kinda thinking now. Now I will accept it and try to balance it.

[Glenda58]

I try thinking I could stop but it always comes back. Bigger than when I left it. Stopped for 5 years once it came back. Now I just slow it down a little till I get a chance to go all out which isn't often.

[Dana L]

I'm sure we've all thought it was a passing fad at one point. I thought it was all over when I started dating and eventually married. Turns out I was living out my dressing through them. I realized everything I wanted for my wife was actually what I wanted for myself. So some 25 years later I'm back to dressing and slowly trying to transform to more female than male. Lucky for me my wife is very accepting and actually enjoys me better as Dana.

[PaulaQ]

Just wondering how many ever 'thought for sure' they were 'done with it'.
--Only to have it come back out of nowhere...


Oh yeah, that was me. When I sobered up 24 years ago, Praise God I was SURE I WAS CURED! It was that ol' demon rum - yeah, that's bound to have been why I cross dressed. Of course, I didn't drink at age 10 when I started, and I started drinking when I was miserable from NOT CDing - but what's the fun of truth when you have good old fashioned denial working for you?

When my CDing (a symptom of gender dysphoria in my case) returned in 2012, it nearly ended me.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kate , I don't think that I ever really wanted it to go away.

[SandraV]

Tried to make it go away way to many times.
Practically everytime after sneaking into mom's closet, the guilt qould be too much and I would swear that would be the last time. Same thing when in collegue, same thing once married, same thing after the kids were born.

The thing is, it wont go away. Now I know...

[Dianne S]

No, I knew it would never go away. Even during the times in my life when the urge was weak and I didn't dress for a long time, I knew it was there, lurking under the surface.

[anaissa]

I so totally agree. Your post echos my thoughts exactly.

[sonialexis]

I'm beginning to like the Katey part of me... slightly selfish and narcissistic I know, but who amongst us isn't? :thinking:

Katey x\

I love what you say here katey< i too am learning to accept Sonia and nurture it, at best. I don't want to be ashamed of it anymore. Kate to answer your question I did think would go, if 'I have steady gf' if 'I put on muscle' or 'if I was caught' (and I have been quite a few times along with some really close calls) ' if 'was marooned in an island'. Even then I know now, I would have fashioned something out of the leaves if I had to. I did want it go away too, I prayed it would, and I tried pretty hard too at times. I always came back. Now I don't want it to go I love my sweet little girl in me too much now and it's me.

[Tina_gm]

I hoped and prayed it would go away. I figured if I could just be man enough or tough enough I could make it go away. That it never did used to make me feel like a failure as a man, to want and like feminine things and want to wear women's clothing. Though today I am now more accepting of myself, and I no longer feel like a failure as a man, or person for that manner, I would still take the magic pill to make it go away.

[Stephanie47]

Yes, I once thought it was all over. I had graduated from college. I was drafted into the army. I lost all interest in sexuality. Maybe it was the military way. Break the recruit down and mold him into GI Joe. I went to Nam as an infantryman. I had nothing on my mind but staying alive. Once every three months there was "stand down" which was drinking diluted beer and watching scantily clad women. I was medivaced back to the states. Even when I was returned to duty I had no sexual urges. The I married my future wife. Then I had sexual urges......fill in the .....! When I decided I would propose marriage my memory banks brought out the question of whether or not that youthful foray into my mom's clothing meant I was somehow sexually less than a man. I thought it would never return. Well, it took several years, but, it did creep back. For two years I did not have a sexual thought-cross dressing or otherwise. I guess women were excluded from combat roles, so Stephanie decided to stay home.

[Christen]

I spent many times wishing, hoping it would go away. Nights lying in bed in tears, "Why me?" A few times I really thought it had. But no, it never did, not for long.
Katey mentions this, I now wouldn't like it to disappear. I feel it's a special part of me, who I am.

Christen x

[Heather-Barbie]

Many times I have wished it to go away as it has caused many issues in my life. I know it never will go away, and I now work to make it a small part of my life. It does help when I'm frustrated or feel blue and helps me relax. I now struggle to not be obsessed and work a balance in my life with this curse.

[Dawn Gurl]

Over the years, I tried to make it go away, but, it either never left or just came back. Now at 58, I don't want it to go away. I've learned to except that a very large part of me is and always will be female. It simply cannot be helped, it's there in the way I think and act everyday. I regret years ago trying to ignore it, and hoping it might just go away.... I should have embraced it then and enjoyed that important side of me !!

[Christina Kay]

Would pray each night , to be just a normal boy. Just to live a life , without deceit , hiding a secret part of me. Always being oh so careful, so very stressful. After getting married , it came back in less than a year. Buying things and purging , the constant thoughts , of what if , if only I was born.....,,,,,Would have so many hobbies that my wife called it the hobby of the month club...that worked for awhile,,,,but alas this curse would always be there , peering over your shoulder , always just a thought away...you eventually get worn down , tired of the secretive lifestyle,,,,,I came out to my wife ...a whole new set of dilemmas ,,,,, issues that I thought were just cd ,,,,but no much deeper (gender issues) ..But now I know these will not go away ,,,,experience has taught me ...That it Honestly won't go Away...

[Georgina]

I never wanted it to go away.

[lovetobedani]

I never thought that I wanted the feeling to go away. Even when I havn't been able to dress it was always on my mind. As far as the guilt and shame goes. I've had plenty of guilty and shamful feelings but I cannot ignor who I am deep inside.

[Vanessa5]

I have tried to make it go away many times. It used to make me feel like I was an outsider looking into the normal peoples lives. I felt alone and very ashamed. Now that I have admitted to myself that this is part of me I don't want it to go. I finally feel like I feel I should and am proud of myself.

[Billiejosehine]

Throughout my entire life, no matter how hard I try to deny, tell myself I'm done, and overcome my desire to be a women and CD to cope; those thoughts would still be there in the back of my head. Each time it came to the forefront, my desires and what I did got stronger and more undeniable. Even as I got married 5 years ago, I remember telling myself that maybe now that I'm building a family these thoughts would go away. I was only fooling myself and not facing the inevitable true that I was a TS. And instead of fighting it, it was important to embrace who I am.

[JC]

i graduated from High School and entered the military - then i settled down with my future wife. All urges were gone for several years. all of the stashed clothes were gone. the urge returned in a tidal wave, as we had our child, the urge died once again only to treturn a few years later.

i wish it would just go awau

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

I have tried to make it go away. prayed it would go away.
but it hasn't and never will go away alas!

[samantha rogers]

I have tried countless times to make it leave me alone. Sometimes I thought I had succeeded, but I am guessing now that during those periods I was merely distracted by other forms of relief. I like to think that for most of my life I have not felt the soul numbing self loathing over this, only the fear of being caught. But even that is likely to be rationalization. I now no longer feel that guilt and accept myself, and forgive myself for my fears and inability to reach this point sooner. I have even come to embrace my "girl" and place great value on that side of myself. But I have not yet been able to fully put behind me the guilt over decisions I made which have, through my own dishonesty, caused great pain to those I love.
So, did I ever think it would go away...no, and that is the problem...n'est pas?

[sexyteresa]

I started when I was 6 years old and I'm now 60 years old and I'm still dressing up...I try to stop but a little time goes by and there I I'm doing it again...

[Allison_Leslie]

Original Poster : ShelbyDawn.. thanks SO much.. I am a late-comer and started in '09 but I did have a few times as a child that I snuck a pair of knee-highs from my grandma.. my mom did not hardly ever wear any pantyhose but her legs were silken and amazing and had no need for that..

well I am glad to read all the responses as well and I don't feel so strange now.

[darla_g]

I have thought about this from time to time.

If i looked in the mirror or took a picture (and not even in one pic) and i didn't like what i was looking at I would quit in a heartbeat.

[Teri Ray]

Like some others I thought I could will this desire away. I believed I had some success but over time the passion and desire to dress overtook me. Like many others I felt guilt and shame. Over time I tried to push this desire away only to have it return. Always wondering why I felt the way I did. Never found the answer. Still haven't. Now I have confessed to myself that I am hopeless crossdresser and made peace with my desires without the need to have an answer to the question "why do I desire this?". I honestly believe there is not clear answer. To me its like trying to answer "Why do I like chocolate? or why does a t bone steak taste so good?" The best peace I can make with myself is to accept the desire as part of who I am and make the best compromise for myself and my family. If there were a button I could push to make my desire change or a pill I could take to make this desire change I would use them. But there is none of those. Acceptance that we are who we are and that we may never understand why we are that way is the best settlement for me. Just saying.

I take comfort in also believing that at my core I am still a good person despite my desires to dress enfemme. Being a CD does not change the fact that you are a good person at the core.

[drushin703]

hey kate....Once this thing started, I never wanted to be over. This single acknowledment has cost me countless
relationships, and a few awkward moments to say the least. I've been at this for awhile now and can honestly say
that for the duration, it's been a blast. In fact, I hope I never get to the point where I want it to go away completely.
I do wonder what the feeling will be like when i'm in my 80's or if at 110 will I still want six inch heels...lol.

We'll see.

dana

[ArleneRaquel]

Never, since the age of 6, or so, I have wanted to dress & live as a female 24/7 in my adult life.

[Cheryl T]

I wished many times that it would go away, but I don't think that I ever really thought that it would.
Now I'm glad it didn't, for I would have lost so much of myself just to be like others.

[Tina_gm]

I hope that GG's read the many responses of how we (I) have wished, hoped, prayed and attempted to make it go away. I know many who are on here as members do have an acceptance and understanding of this. But for those who are lurking or who are very new to all of this, it isn't a willful choice we make. Many of us had or still have the desire to just be like everyone else, but those are not the cards we have been dealt in life. We are who we are and we too must go through life and accept ourselves.

[Stephanie Morgan]

Honestly, yes I thought it would go away. And for about 8 years it did, the need and desire to dress was non existent. Then it came back like it needed to make up for those 8 years. I have realized I really don't want it to go away. I am very happy when I'm dressed and even though I struggle to balance being Stephanie, with being the guy my wife needs sometimes , I don't think I would have it any other way.

[edith]

I thought it would go away for many years. I tried to stop as a teenager and again during my 20s under the assumption that it wasn't "real" and if I ignored it would go away or at least become dormant. Didn't happen. The need to dress has increased over time and become more complex and a deeper part of my personality.

[anaissa]

I never believed "it would go away. I did, however, believe I could successfully repress my urges. The problem is that my feminine persona is not simply an urge. Rather it is an enduring part of my personality. Wish I came to this conclusion sooner.

[Rebekah_uk]

I lived with this affliction as I thought it was, suppressed it, tried to keep myself busy and keep my mind off it. As I got older the urge got stronger and made me more and more depressed. I recently took the plunge as I mentioned in a different thread and told my wife. She said that she felt sad for me as she couldn't imagine the turmoil going on in my mind all this this time. She really wants to make it work so we are taking things slowly and I am making sure I am ready to answer any questions she may have at anytime.

[VeronicaBea]

I've thought that I was over being a crossdresser several times in my life. Those times were never prompted by a new girlfriend or new living arrangement. I just didn't feel the urge to dress up as a girl. Fortunately, I only purged my clothes once, and that was because of a hasty move.

I imagine I will go through more times when I don't have the urge to dress up in the future. For me, it seems to run in cycles. I embrace the times when I want to dress up, and I don't force it when I don't feel the need to dress up.

[MarisaRose.]

When I was younger (20's) I would dress for a period of time, and afterward I would put all my things away and look in the mirror and wonder, what was I thinking! As I've grown older I can now look in the mirror before, during and after I've dressed and know that I've never been more sure of who I am. I've never been happier!!!

[sometimes_miss]

I think because it's something we're trained from day one to believe just 'isn't right', that most of us may suppress the desire subconsciously, so we don't know it's there. I didn't grow up a crossdresser; I was a normal boy until I was six. Then the seed was planted that I was really supposed to be a girl (I was molested, but that's another story), and the desire to crossdress and behave like a girl slowly escalated over a few years until it was there all the time. By high school, it was overwhelming to the point that if I didn't crossdress, I'd be completely just generally uncomfortable all the time, to the point where I couldn't study or concentrate on anything, and I would become short tempered. The first time the desire waned was when I had my first girlfriend; of course, I was so preoccupied with my new love that I didn't notice the absence of crossdressing. All I wanted, was her. And I later discovered, my desire to crossdress was triggered by a lack of physical affection (touch, caress, hug, non-sexual things) in my life. That loss takes a while; usually depends on how long I'm with someone. Long term relationships, it lasts about six months before the need to crossdress comes back. If only dating for a few times, it may only be a few weeks. So I've found a way to keep the demons away; pay for companionship. It's not cheap, but it works for me. Yes, the desire is still there, but for the most part, it's tolerable as long as I can keep the stress levels in my life from ALL other things under control. A relationship isn't necessarily the answer; while married, and my relationship with my wife became a battlefield, the desire to crossdress was too much, so I indulged, eventually resulting in a divorce. Before that, I had several romantic relationships, several lasting a year during which I did not crossdress, and another, two and a half years. So it can be done......at least, for a while. But like death and taxes, it never goes away.

[trisha kobichenko]

yep, wished it would go away over, and over, and over. Never did. Wondered often how it would be to identify without reservation as totally male, or even totally female...but cursed (or blessed) as somewhere in between. Now I have come out to some...keep my secret from others. But realize that who I am is not readily defined by cultural stereotypes. I love riding my motorcycle, weightlifting and training in karate as a male...I love dressing up and hanging out at home as female...dream of a a total makeover and passing as a woman as an adventure...all pieces of me that I have to reconcile into the fabric of my existence.

[crusadergirl]

Its not that easy to give up crossdressing I will work on some tips to help.

[Barbie Anne]

Kate, I've taken a while to respond to this thread as I didn't know how to quite put it in to words, but no I don't believe I ever wanted "it" to go away. More like I've always wanted to be free to be myself without bringing harm to my loved ones or myself.

Fear is a powerful emotion, and I've lived my life in fear for decades now. I'm sick and tired of being afraid. Why can't I just be me?

I've been taking steps to not only be allowed to be myself, but to do it in such a way as I don't lose or harm the people that matter the most to me. My wife has always known since before we married, and she's my biggest supporter. I have a more open relationship with my mother now, and my brother has told me I'm his hero because were he in my shoes he couldn't have come clean with mom.

The only thing I ever really wanted to stop was the confusion and fear caused by my GD, and it's getting better every day :)

[Marcelle]

I did believe it would go away once early on in my dressing "en femme". Realized it was part of me and to be honest am glad to say . . . it never will go away.

Hugs

Isha

[Lucy Lou]

That's me. I used to purge and then regret it but, thanks to this site, I will not do it again and I am happy at who I am. The truth be known, I prefer being dressed as a woman that I do as a man any day. Girls are so lucky, they have so many wonderful things to ware. The lingerie, the dresses, the shoes, the make up, the jewelry. I will always dress because it is a put of me and makes me feel most comfortable and real.

I think when you have dressed hundreds of times over years like I have it really is a no brainer to think that I can hide away from something so important. Where I live people are not very open minded about such things and any cross dresser is talked about with disdain. On hearing such things I chuckle to myself and think 'if you only knew'.

You are what you are, and dressing is a wonderful expression of that. Lucy Lou xx

[Krisi]

I never thought crossdressing would go away. There have been times when it didn't cross my mind and others when I felt a strong desire to dress. In the past couple years I've gotten really into it with clothes, wig, forms, and padded panties so I don't think it's going to go away again.

I don't let it control my life though so if I find myself in a situation where I can't dress for a week or month, it's no big deal.

[Sharon B.]

I for one thought it would when I got married and it did for close to a year, but the urge came back and I fought it for a while and I could get by just wearing panties, pantyhose and heels whenever I was alone.
Then one day I use some hair remover lotion when the wife at the time was out of town and from then on it just blossom into full fledge dressing, not to longer after that the wife started shopping for a boyfriend. When I got separation papers, I wanted to stay married no matter what but knew I couldn't quit.
Here I am twenty plus later still dressing whenever I get the chance and still haven't found someone to share it with.

[Krista1985]

I started getting the urges in my teens,

Lack of opportunity to 'borrow' clothes meant that the thoughts and fantasies were all I had. And I did think that I'd grow out of it too, once I began being more successful with women. That worked for a while, a couple of years the urges subsided but then came back in my early-mid twenties, but with more of a sense of urgency to act. Since then I've kinda made my peace with 'it' being here to stay and just feed the beast when I can.

[Kristy 56]

I guess I had my ups and downs with CDing, and thought that was it. However, i still was checking out what the GGs were wearing,as well as checking them out. So I guess although physically I stopped at times,mentally I didn't. :)

[Briann]

I thought I could stop when I went to college and no longer had acsess to my mothers clothing, and a privit room, it worked for two years then I moved back home and it started right back up. Then I finaly worked up the courage to go and buy some stuff of my own:jumping:, and I don't think I will ever be going back, because the shopping is just as addictive as the CD-ing.:lovestruck:

[stellatoo]

Growing up in the 70s and 80s I had a few thoughts about stopping and would give myself permission to have a final "dress up" day. Looking back at this time I can see how daft that was. Now I am very happy with dressing and couldn't stop if I wanted to. All I need now is to meet a girl who is accepting!

[Eryn]

Considering that, for 40 yuars, I refused to acknowledge this part of myself even to myself I apparently hoped that it would go away. That worked about as well as a devout person believing that a severe disease will go away if they perform the proper ritual.

[MissJoanne]

I believed dressing would go away, both times I got married. I really believed......so I was wrong. I now know that dressing is part of who I am. I wish the rest of the world was OK with it.

Marcia, I could have written this. I had exactly the same thoughts. Now I know it's a part of me. I make the most if it.

[Shy_Confusion]

I absolutely believed it was an aberration of my personality. That I just had to "man up" and it would go away. Even threw away the "CD starter kit" I found when I moved into my place. "I'm not falling for that!", I said. "I'm gonna get it out my system with Halloween this year! And then that will be that!" *You can laugh here.

In short I got set up by female half. It was a sneaky girl trick, and I fell for it; because frankly she's smarter than me.

[suspender]

To me it is like a birthmark. You are born with it whether you like it or not, it can fade sometimes but it is always there. The irony of having an alter ego, which I am glad did not go away.

[Julia Red]

I don't think I ever believed it would stop, simply because I never wanted to stop, but I did have to take control of it from time to time by reducing its frequency.

For instance, there was a time when I needed to crossdress just to be able to sleep or to do some chores. I could not focus on anything before putting on my stuff. Everytime I was about to do something "boring", like cleaning or studying, I would do it dressed, because at least I could have some fun while doing it. Later, I realized this started to affect my life and my marriage in ways I didn't want to, so I had to take control. Instead of doing it everyday, I limited it to once a week.

It worked for some time, then it increased again, but now I don't think I have the urge to do it everytime, it's well under control, except for the panties, which I wear everyday.

[DebbieL]

Actually, there were several times when I was forced to stop dressing, and the very thought of being forced to the rest of my life - 20, 30, or even 50 or 60 years, as a man was enough to make me suicidal.
The worst times:
- when my testicles came down (they were up inside, like ovaries).- tried to poach them, crush them, burn them, and strangle them.
- when I found out I was a bass - became a drug addict and alcoholic for 2 years - misdiagnosed with epilepsy.
- when my fiance dumped me because she found out I was a cross-dresser (9 month tail-spin). - 10 suicide attempts, 3 SHOULD have been fatal.
- when my first wife told me she couldn't deal with my dressing anymore - stop or get divorce - platonic marriage - didn't come home at night - went public.
- when my ex-wife told me I had to stop transition or I would lose visitation rights permanently but would still have to pay child support. - moved to NYC area
- when a leadership told me I had to "burn the dresses" - gained over 50 lbs.
- when I was too fat to dress anymore - gained another 100 lbs - had heart attack.
- when 2nd wife stopped wanting Debbie - had a stroke.
- when 2nd wife told me she was "Not OK" with my transitioning - "Prestone Cocktail".

Even THINKING that I HAD to stop was enough to throw me into a suicidal tailspin.

I might point out that the HAPPIEST and BEST parts of my life were when I was dressing openly and working toward transition - I had a future to live into that ignited my passion.
For me, being Debbie is being authentic, having integrity, living consistent with my commitments, creating possibilities for myself and others and making those possibilities real.

Being Rex is being "an actor", "a clown", "a con", a liar, a deceiver. I never wanted to be Rex, it was how I survived in a brutal world where boys would beat the crap out of me for even the slightest hint of Debbie. Names never hurt me, I WAS a Sissy (slang for Sister), I WAS a fairy (like Tinkerbell), I WAS a princess, but even just being called those names meant being attacked by 10-20 boys, with rocks, with sticks, with fists, with boots, with wet towels, with belts (buckle end). By the time I was 17 I had been hospitalized over 60 times, usually for 2 weeks at a time. From the time I was 4 to the time I was 12, the best health I was ever in was when I was spending my week-ends and evenings with the rest of the girls in the girls dorm.

No, I'm a type 6 transsexual, and I've known it my whole life. I've had to "moderate" at various times in my life, sometimes having to settle for fetish dressing, being a transvestite, or being a cross-dresser, but In my heart I knew that I really wanted to be a girl and would have done almost anything to make that happen. I wouldn't sell my soul, deny my Christian faith, or turn my back on God. I wouldn't do bad things to other people, and I dodged the prostitution bullet several times.

[AnnieMac]

This comment really touched me . ."I love my sweet little girl in me too much now and it's me.", I think by Sonialexis.
The me I am since I was born or became aware of myself as a person ages 4 to 6 or so, always had "Annie" within. So I can't even imagine myself without my inner girl being there. She is me - I am her, as is my maleness. I am that guy, and girl. So it never even crossed my mind ever that "it" would go away. It was me. And, I was/am always interested in all things "Girl".

I was/am never ashamed about it, although closeted for the usually silly, spouse, family, job, friends reasons. I may feel I'm a little weird at times, but I don't feel guilty about it. It is part of my personhood. The dressing throughout my life never really stopped, but did ebb and flow like waves for periods of time. It's like how relationships are with your wife or SO, you fall in and out of love many times.

Probably dressing is stronger now because of my ever-waning testosterone, and "Annie " seems to be taking over somehow. I am her dressed or not, and, I'm kind of proud of her! Some of that though is do to being able to open up on this forum, and also because it's just much easier to enjoy the female things I like because of the internet, and slightly more acceptability by sales staff, people in general, and such. Anything seems to go these days without people thinking too much about it, as they did maybe 20 years ago or so. I am very thankful for my femaleness.

[Raychel]

For me, I thought that my dressing had gone away completely after I got married.
And it had for almost 15 years, then it was back and more so then ever, Not I am
out to my family and there is no turning back, I enjoy to dress in women's clothes, and that is the way it is.
I finally get to enjoy life the way it should be.


Now do I think it will every go away. Not very likely, Most likely it is here to stay now.

[Susan L]

This has happened to me many times. I would purge for one reason or another, either feeling guilty or for my SO at the time with no luck. When I thought I was done with it, something would trigger it again and I just had to buy a pair of nylons. I would wear that under my men's clothes and think "that will enough to satisfy my desire". Well I think you all know how that ended. I remarried 7 years ago, told my would be wife all about it so it would be no surprise and she has been one of the most understanding and supportive wife any one could ask for. Even at that I recently went through a medical problem during which time I could not shave my legs much less put on the nylons and shape ware I so enjoy. This lasted for about 8 months and again I thought "I'm done with this now". No way, in about 3 months the nylons came back and I'm now CD more than ever and love every minute of it. I have just come to accept this is me. My wife thinks it very funny that I would ever think for one minute it will "go away", she knows me better than I know me.

[~Joanne~]

I always thought this was a phase. I thought that after I tried all that I wanted to try that I would out grow this and it would fade away and that my secret would always be safe. After all, this was born out of a fetish so I always thought it was a part of the fetish. I was wrong. Purge after purge, and thousands of dollars later and it's still here with no sign of ever leaving. It always came back and usually harder than when it left. Now I have come to terms with myself as this is who I am. I can think of a lot worse things that could have happened than this. It is what it is.

[Valarie]

I had these feelings when I was young, I identified with girls and wanted to be one, but I knew it was something I should keep to myself. I think by the time I was 12 I started getting depressed about it, and wishing it would go away. I thought maybe I was gay because I felt this way. I kept wanting it to go away. My mom had a very traditional belief in gender roles, and would make fun of me for not acting like a boy like my younger brothers. So I just kept hoping it would go away. I talked to my first girlfriend in high school about it, she liked it because she was bisexual and it was a desire for her but I started hating dressing because it was more for her pleasure than me being happy. So for years I just repressed it until I couldn't any longer the more I wished it would go away the angrier I became towards people without me even realizing it, until I made a change to get help. My wife embraced it and and I am happier than I have ever been.

[Jolene]

There was that first time with my older sister's pantyhose & bra. Really had to work up to it and keep it hidden being in a large family growing up. Still makes me feel good remembering how good it felt to a 13 year old. After a few times trying other things on and then being caught and getting " the talk " did not think too much about it for many years. Women's clothes always did interest me and about 8 years ago, bought a package of ladies briefs. One thing led to another and after being hidden for so many years, Jolene has gotten out of her bottle and she has never gone back into it.
It seems I will never be done with this and to be honest I enjoy having Jolene be a part of me.
I have never married and have lived alone here for many years, so I do wonder why Jolene did not come out sooner.