If not now, when?

[Lorileah]

“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?” Rabbi Hillel

A potential NFL high round draft player has come out as gay and people in the NFL have made their feelings clear about how they don't want him in the league. This has been on Face Book today and one of the comments was "he should have waited to come out."

This hit me hard because I have had two people say that to me in the last 6 months. "You should have waited." or "Don't you think you came out too soon?"

Now I need to know when is the right time to come out about transitioning? I am 58 years old. Should I have waited another 5 years? 10 years? Don't you think 50 plus years is long enough? Personally the "right" time would have been 35 years ago. I wasted that many years pretending and posing as something I wasn't happy with.

Seriously. Is it better to hide and sneak and pretend just so that those around your are comfortable? Who cares about you, right? You are here to make life easier for those around you. Make em laugh. You can cry inside. yes wait until you retire Or your kids move out. Or your parents die. Wait until...you die. Because we don't know when that will be. There is always tomorrow...except when there isn't. I know I lived that mantra. I could wait until later. I did that with a lot of things. I can wait to go to Europe again. I can wait to travel the world. I can wait to buy the car, the house. I can wait to tell my SO I love her (that worked out REAL well). I can wait until I am 60-65-90 to transition.

Really, if someone has the answer, let me know. When is (was) the right time to come out? In retrospect, for the education of those who follow me, the right time is NOW. Make you happy. Live your life the way you see it.

[Jorja]

Now I need to know when is the right time to come out about transitioning? I am 58 years old.

I think you are old enough to make your own decisions about your life. Don't you? Come out about transition whenever you feel comfortable with yourself about it.

[Miranda09]

Exactly Lori. The right time is when it is right for you...NOT when it's right for everyone else. If you waited for that time, you might as well wait until you are reborn in another century, say 5 or so from now?? Society still has alot of maturing to do regarding gender orientation.....but it will get there. In the meantime, make your life happy now. You know all of us support you here. :)

[Vanessa Rose]

Perhaps one can look at history about getting the gig first and making a name for yourself, then let the cat out of the bag

Then there are people like Rosa Parks tha said f'k it. I will not tolerate this ... I will make a stand. (Paraphrased). Then Martin Luther king boycott the bus line.

Which is the right approach. I don't know?

MAKES YOU THINK though, who chose the harder battle to fight.

In my opinion it would be Rosa Parks. There are plenty of gay supporters and such already, what she took on was something that was at the very core of problems and hatred and bigotry. More importantly, SHE did it with virtually no support or safety net.

Football player coming out, in today's world. In my honest opinion. He has it easy. And knew exactly what he was doing. He will play foot ball. He is approaching thisvery smart. The league MUST let him play. Or they will loose all the sponsorship and all the support of so many customers. They know what will hit them. Because there has been so much progress already

Certainly not enough, but nonetheless there has been light years of progress.

Is there equality. Nope but he will play and this will move the cause forward again in a big way.

Just my thoughts

Vanny

[wanagione]

I'm stuggling with this now. "if not now, then when?" I'm going to be 56 and really what and who should I be afraid of?

[Leah Lynn]

Lorileah, I absolutely agree with the sentiment, "If not now, then 35 years ago." I wish I knew then what I know now; IT IS POSSIBLE! JUST DO IT! At 62, I'll never be a good looking woman, but if I live long enough, I'll make it to being a woman. Four months on HRT now, I plan to do the name change and start RLE at the end of this year. It's time! It's past time! And everyone else be damned, if they don't like it. I've wasted too many years living a lie for them.

All you young ones out there, pay attention. You won't be young again, so get with it!

Hugs,

Leah

[Angela Campbell]

really what and who should I be afraid of?

I am just now realizing the only thing to be afraid of is yourself.

[KellyJameson]

If it is decided by others than there is never a right time, if to do so would make them uncomfortable or inconvenienced

People go to their grave all the time having spent their lives living a role and denying themselves but I think when it comes to sexual or gender identity, this is so fundamental to who we are that it is not possible to reject yourself without severe consequences.

The consequences really make the decision for you so you cannot really say it is a volitional act but more you are compelled to act.

On some level I always felt like a spectator to the force of my own gender identity.

It has a mind of its own and you either listen to it or try to shut your mind to it but either way the path is going to be painful.

The only choice you really have is the type of pain you want to endure with the hope that the right choice will bring you out of darkness and into the sunshine where there is life.

[kimdl93]

What on earth did these advisors think you would have gained by waiting?

[Barbara Ella]

Your time is just that, your time. No one but you can know when that is. That holds for everyone. The key is being able to listen to your inner self, recognize and have the courage to act.

Barbara

[Rogina B]

The time is when you have learned yourself and have the courage to act. It is a personal thing in the true sense of the word personal..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The time is either when you are young, or when the intensity of your gender dysphoria overwhelms you.

It's not complicated.

[Frances]

What Kaitlyn said.

[I Am Paula]

I started late (54). With time awastin' I moved thru' as many steps as quickly as possible. I started coming out as soon as I was sure this was my destiny. Despite those awful WTF moments, I knew years ago this was to be, so I started presenting, and living, as a woman as soon as possible.
If you present female in public, get it over with. If you are in a degree of stealth, but sure of your future, still, why wait? Is it not just delaying the inevitable. Besides, you will feel so much better when not carrying around a secret.

[Angela Campbell]

For sure it is a lot easier once you are completely out.

[Patty B.]

Any time you were ready, 35 years ago would have been fine, personally I wish I'd have gone for this also 35 years ago, life is to short to worry about what others think. Just my opinion.

[melissaK]

It's a personal decision. We are each too different, possessed of too many unique factors for there to be a one size fits all rule other than that.

If you are hemming and hawing perhaps you aren't accepting yourself, or perhaps you are genuinely sorting and weighing factors that matter greatly to you. If you are like almost all of us, you were raised in a culture that taught you what you want to do is wrong minded. And getting to the point you can break from that conditioning is a path that will be unique to each person.

I drug myself kicking and screaming out of my own closet 13 months ago certain my world was going to end even though I wanted to keep most of my world in tact. My world is my wife and that part was turned upside down. Over months I changed in ways I didn't expect. Maybe I'm a bad planner. I don't think so. I think when you decide to empower yourself and come out, the world responds to you in ways you could never predict because you've never been who you have let yourself become and you have no experience from which to predict.

I ended up with a new life that looks a lot like my old one. I am different. I ended up in gender out law middle. And best of all I do have a new better relationship with my best friend, my love, my wife. No one else much cares. But I am for all general purposes stealth. I look like I escaped a metal band and dress with a rock musician or bohemian artist flair. Hardly pushing any envelopes.

So would I urge others to do it sooner? No. I did it when it was right for me. Do it when it's right for you.
But know why you are not acting yet. Know all the things you are afraid of and get over each fear. The pain you fear may still be visited upon you, but you don't have to fear it. For example, when my wife wanted to leave the emotional pain was awful, I thought I was dying. But I wasn't afraid. When you think you aren't afraid, you might be ready.

Hope that makes some sense.

[Kristy 56]

When you're ready,you're ready ,and you'll know when that is. Don't second guess yourself or you'll drive yourself crazy IMHO. :)

[Badtranny]

I am just now realizing the only thing to be afraid of is yourself.


Behind bars of my own creation

I sit and pass the time

In a cell of my own making

In a prison of my own design

I sit quietly and wait

And wait, and wait some more

And there’s a guard, I see his shadow

And he never leaves the door

This room is not unpleasant

My life is not so bad

I could be happy here in prison

If I could get over being sad

I didn’t choose this life I say

But then I think again

Would I choose to leave this cell

And let my life begin?

So I’ve wasted so much time

Just waiting to be set free

And in the dark I finally know

The guard was only me

(Source: badtranny.com)

[celeste26]

Maybe an alternative question is this: if you cant deal with being open about your status with family and friends, then how will you ever deal with the "real life test."

[PaulaQ]

You know what? It's got to be so tough to be a heteronormative, cis-gendered person who's forced to confront gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. I mean, how terrifying for them. I've thought that someone should start a charity to provide information and support to the poor, beleaguered normal, who faces the discrimination of being expected to be somewhat tolerant of others, and who is forced to deal with the overwhelming onslaught of tiny, nearly invisible, minorities.

I really do feel bad for them - their lot is obviously so difficult. Of course we should totally live our lives so that they don't experience the potential for even minor emotional distress caused by our very existence!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Celeste...its no different than what I said before...

you'll deal with a real life test when the distress from your gender feelings overwhelms you.. its like a person that never parachuted getting pushed out of the plane...figure out the rip cord or go splat..those are the choices...
to be honest, some will go splat...and we see that in the suicide rate....

As a short aside, a couple years ago I read about a guy that drove under a bridge and killed himself...40's ...family, job, no note... I immediately thought...transsexual.... its that point that makes you move

...if you are gutsy and smart enough to move earlier, you don't care about this question

[LeaP]

I have no idea what the "right" time is. The time picked me, not the other way around.

[gonegirl]

Melissa - those are your song lyrics, right? They also work so well as a poem. Thanks for sharing :^)

What Kaitlyn said is so true. I moved forward because I reached a point where it was all I could do. It really sucked to be in that place, but I knew it was better to live than not. It has been a year of huge upheaval since then. Nothing is the same in my life now. I just recently went full-time and I was surprised to discover that it really wasn't a big deal for me emotionally. I realize now that I had already reached a point of internal equilibrium some time during that horrible year. Having the correct body chemistry was the turning point for me.

Being who you really are all of the time for the rest of your life is a very peaceful feeling.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Simone you said something I really connected with

I was totally shocked that it was no big deal... the BIG DEAL was everything leading up to it... from the desperate self pity and shame..the planning...the weeping and gnashing of teeth in my family.... but once I transitioned, I felt normal (to steal from another thread)... and I could all of sudden feel good about myself even though lots of crap revolving around my transition still lurks....

I couldn't ever imagine being any other way than the way I am now, but prior to this all I ever thought of was being somebody else (a her)

[gonegirl]

You're experience often resonates with me also, Kaitlyn.

Even though I'm only just beginning the rest of my life, I also now feel like I've always been this way, and inside I guess I always have been.

[Adelaide]

I wish there would have been better information accessible for me to know more about what I was really feeling inside when a teenager 35-40 years ago. No internet, nobody to speak to. Now married (as it was the "norm" then) with a spouse that cannot even accept my CDing and kids including one who is handicapped and who will need me for the rest of my life, I do not see the day that I will ever feel happy and be who I really am.
I am currently pleasing myself by letting my hair grow long for the first time in my life.....but know deep down that I won't be able to go further in my journey.
So whoever wants and can transition, I'd say do it now....while you can.

[Jonianne]

.....I was totally shocked that it was no big deal.......I couldn't ever imagine being any other way than the way I am now, but prior to this all I ever thought of was being somebody else (a her)

I can only echo what you said Kaitlyn. The big deal prior was in my own head, but when the time came, somehow I just knew this was right for me. I am not that strong or even a very couragous person, but when the time came, I just knew I was going to make the transition. There was no blinding light, no big feelings, no nothing except that somehow the strength and courage just bubbled up and I took that first step, the step that comes with knowing there is no turning back. I am so thankful for you, Kaitlyn and for RenieG, both of whom spoke candidly to me (pm's) during that time.

[Lorileah]

I didn't slowly meld into being "me". I decided even before my first therapy session this was what I was going to do so when I saw my therapist for the first tile I had been full time for weeks. I just threw myself into it, I was at the point I really didn't care what others thought. For the most part I still don't (my dad still won't talk to me...but he will get over it eventually). I just thought it was strange how some people told this football player he should have waited. we all know that isn't the answer. Especially when it involves who you are.

[kimdl93]

As George Allen, the former Redskins coach famously said, "the future is now!"