When did you first realize you were different than the others?

[Erica Anne]

As a child, I did not know any better, I always wanted what my sister got, but I can't say I disliked what I got. ( considering clothes, gifts, etc...) I often had crushes on girls starting in the 3rd grade. But that is not the point I want to make. When did you as an individual realize you do not fit the norm and felt isolated because of this?

I believe the realization that I was different from all the boys, was when puberty hit. It came way too early for me, I must have been 9 years old. My progress into early adulthood came with a twist. My body took a more feminine transformation than a masculine one. As years went by, my answer came from health class, could I be an XXY ? Lets just say small breasts and feminine hips did not make for an easy life, especially gym class, community showering was not my cup of tea. I have been an A cup all of my life from that point onward. Tired from running, and getting attacked since I was different, well it did not take long for me to develop my body by weight lifting. As I got older the heavier I got and always managed to bench press twice my weight. Self defense classes also helped. My issue with the bullies, they were never alone, it was always a group 5 or more that ganged up on me, one on one, those that harassed me were very timid when they were alone, one or two found out the hard way I was not someone to mess with. I did not seek out fights, I am typically docile and gentle. I think my life changed when I needed reconstructive surgery to rebuild my face after most of the bones around the eye and cheek were broken. I never could quite understand why so many wanted to hurt me, I had done nothing to provoke it. Sorry if this seems negative. Many things in the forum are bringing me back to my early life experiences.

[Vanessa Rose]

Erica,

No need to apologize for anything dear. Nope, not needed. At least here I think.

You had a terribly challenged go of it growing up, than me, i think from each and every standpoint.
The wonders and fears as a kid, that I had, varied so much from what you experienced,
It makes me think. Really not an easy thing for me...
Had a lot if jelly beans and vodka last night and ... Well no never mind

On one side I hear so much pain, but from my point of view, I became sad reading your post
Because I never felt as different inside, or my body as unique in form as you. I am sure that your thoughts are different than mine But I can't get out of my head that you are somehow so much more fortunate than I, despite what you have gone through. Not the bullying but your internal awareness of your feminine side and uniqueness. Hope I did not mid interpret this?!

Why, because sadly you are so much more connected with a side of you, that I simply cannot comprehend

In no way, anyway, EVER, am I making lite of this, but rather, I am envious. I just am missing some parts that you have that I



Simply do not have your connection in my head and body. I want that but never knew I missed it.

Doing much soul searching and your post just struck me. We all I think have a post that does so, And believe this is why we read and post and seek and
If you are like me, have opened eyes at certain things that impact us

Anyway, I don't want to cry in my vodka and that is far from important here

I so sorry for your tough go and it seemed it still bothers you, greatly.
You have, it would seem come a long way. Still trying to put pieces together maybe but are we not all.

I hope I have splained my self enough to say thanks for sharing these thoughts and posting them, and for everyone. I am not talking about bullying or that such rubbish. That is just mean and pointless behavior. But perhaps much of that senseless nonsense is behind you? Can't tell from your post

In my soul searching I just realized what I didn't know. I don't have such a powerful connection with Vanessa as your female side. I likely never will. I did not realize this until, at least I was blind to this until your posting. And there is nothing I can do about that.
Sad for me, very.

But I guess for you there is sharing of feelings and that I a start? And because you are seemingly getting your head around some of this.
Or at least can discuss it.

More discordance. Just perfect

Thanks again for your wonderful thoughts and post

Sad now


Vanny

[Kate Simmons]

I never felt I was any better or worse than anyone else but somewhere around age 5 I realized I had a different focus and outlook on things than most boys my age.:)

[Lori Kurtz]

I can't remember specific ages for the developing of my crossdressing, but it was way before puberty. As a very young boy, I enjoyed trying on my mother's and my aunt's underwear (panties and slips at first, then also bras). I don't think anybody ever knew about it, and somehow I knew that what I was doing was not "normal"--that it was "bad"-- and that I needed to keep it completely secret. Thus, along with the excitement and thrill that I enjoyed as a crossdresser, that was the beginning of the syndrome of shame and fear that is part of the experience of crossdressing for many of us.

[Karren H]

I remember the day I realized I was different than everyone else....... was like the third grade... the day I wrote out 10 pages of Pi (3.141592653.....) to see if it ever repeated.... it got worse over time... last week I wrote an equation to calculate the time difference between Pittsburgh and Sochi based on their Lat Long coordinates! So I could figure out when to watch olympic hockey live! lol

[MsVal]

Yep, me too, Karen. I've been kinda geeky from an early age. By the time I was in third grade I had developed a set of equations that I would learn later are Ohm's law, Watts law, and a couple of others. I would go on to subscribe to technical magazines while my friends were reading of sports. (I did, though enjoy hockey on the pond near my home. Gretscky, Delvecio, Howe ... big names in the Detroit/Windsor area at that time.)

I really didn't fit in with the guys, and was too embarrassed to try to fit in with the girls. I stayed home and tinkered with electronic stuff.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Beverley Sims]

Erica it is intriguing how much is brought back of our subconcious whilst reading these pages.
I find it great therapy as daily I remember some anecdote of my life tucked away somewhere.
For me I was about eight when I started to get the bully boys come around.

[Patty F]

Started about 7 or 8 years old I guess, and kind of a geek like some of the rest of you. I remember getting my first transistor radio for Christmas and 2 weeks later taking it apart to see what made it work, my mom was sooo mad. I didn't care much for sports, not that I was wasn't reasonably good at them, just no interest. Had a step sister move in with us and didn't take long to check out her underwear drawer. Also my best male friend who was 1 year younger than me had 2 sisters one same age as me the other a little younger, I always wondered what they thought when they started missing underwear as I added it to my collection.

[KaceyR]

I always knew I was "different" than others..especially from grade school on.
Not in a CDing way.. that didn't really go full force till this last Sept-Oct. But I'd always enjoyed playing imagination games with girls at recess instead of sports with the boys. Always was (and still am) a bit empathic (sometimes being around a person with say aches,or pains I'll start having a similar symptoms). My smaller build always had me a bit of a non-threatening bullied-on sissy mess thru school. A bit over emotional at times too (which has really kicked in thru the last decade-I'm 48). Had I a sibling/sister I bet I would've probably ran the usual "trying her clothes" stage way back then. Geekish thru Jr + High school... Music (band) and Electronics were my biggies back then. Wish I had the couple other's math skills though...my math stunk-the teacher that "started" my algebra life had only eyes to help out the "girls" in the class ignoring my (and other guys') requests. Nowdays think "hey..if I CD'd then I could've got help..hah!' :)
Always pretty smart in general...honor roll... but zero social capabilities really ever grew due to school alienation. One of many reasons why I'm still a single loner after 48.. :/

So I always seemed different.. but not in a way that really seemed to help me in my life.

Beverly, I know what you mean..was starting to reply to a loner thread the day before and it brought out so much I spent 8 hours typing a book instead into a textfile for myself. Not best for an over-emotional person.

[sonialexis]

erica sweetheart, I was teased a lot in school too, called names and like you I was built more on the feminine mould (minus the breasts). It didn't help that I was bad at sports, preferred indoors with my aunts, cousin sisters, mom. It didn't help also with my curious obsession in dressing up in my mommys clothes. I always thought I was different, ever since I first pictured/imagined me wearing heels (about 5 yrs old), noticed what women wore, realized how comfortable I was wearing my mom's pantyhose, her panties, bras and slip and reading 'good housekeeping'.
We are all different in our own ways and some of them are special. I have gotten into a few fights myself and I was at a hateful time then. I realise now it was me being overtly defensive, was spilling my anger over hateful comments in the past, proving to myself and the others I'm a man, seeking acceptance amongst the ranks. I lost my way a lot those few years. I'm in a happier space now, I will defend and protect my gf from anything that could be hurtful, mine, i will when I see a worthy threat.
Being in this forum has dug out so many things from the past uncovers things in the present, but it's better than purging clothes.

[anaissa]

My earliest recollection that I was different from the others was as a pre-adolescent. I was about 11 and my parents were out of the house and I went to my mom's closet and came across a fur cape. I had just come out of the shower and felt compelled to check out her wardrobe. I draped the cape over me and was immediately overcome with sensations of feeling pretty. The silky lining and the delicious softness of the garment sent me reeling. I was hooked. I have to confess that from that moment on, I was on an almost obsessive quest to embrace my feminine alter ego. I knew I had to keep these sensations and emotions a secret because who could possibly understand these feelings I was having.

Several years later and I came out to my very best friend. I thought that if there was anyone who would accept me, it would be him. I was oh so wrong. You see, the both of us began puberty with fleshy breast tissue and we both endured so much teasing and taunting. Eventually, he would have surgery to reduce his breasts, but I regarded mine as a supernatural sign that I was meant to explore my femininity. When I revealed my feelings and my teen-aged yearnings, he rejected me in a most hurtful way. This began a period of shame and fear. It wan't until college that I was eventually able to emerge with the help of a special lady. I'm sorry to ramble on and on. There is just so much to our individual journeys that evoke an emotional response. I don't even know if I answered the question.

Thanks for listening.

[Erica Anne]

As I got older, those secondary feminine traits sort of faded away, better stated, blended in more towards a masculine body. However, some of the secondary characteristic of the other gender never really faded completely. I still have some difficulty finding men's pants that fit (hard to get the butt into them). I tried on some woman's jeans my wife had and they fit perfectly, probably because they had some stretch to the fabric. Chest on the other hand, as I got larger in size (I grew fast from a stump to 6ft in no time. I was taller than most of my teachers. When I graduated High School, my class was rated as the meanest class ever to graduate.

I am the person I am today because of my life experiences. It was hard as some have stated. I know I am not alone on this either. Too bad the bully tolerance issue was not addressed in the 80's. I lived over 3 miles from school, I walked home every day, it was safer that way for me. Besides, I always beat the bus home every time.

[Adriana Moretti]

Being different is good...who wants to be like everyone else anyway . Personally I perfer the word Unique to the term "different"..I DID win "Most Unique" in High School...go figure

[Tina_gm]

Because I did not bond much with my mother, and that I am without any sisters or had any little girl friends, I did not discover my actual desire to dress in women's clothes until I was 17. It likely may have been discovered earlier I am thinking had things been different for me. Before that though, I always felt that most of the other boys were more aggressive than I wanted to be or felt I could be. I was smaller than most of the other boys as well. Generally tended to be timid and shy, and always worried about how I looked and what others thought of me. I didn't really know that the amount that I thought and felt this way was different (everyone feels this way somewhat) but girls and women tend to feel this way moreso, at least it seems that way. At the time I just felt that I was smaller, weaker and not as aggressive plus being shy and timid. I didn't like any of it but that was how I was.