just curious...

[anna warren]

This topic may have been addresses in the past, as I think most have, but I'm curious of everyone's opinion given that everyone has different views and motivations about what we do...

is there any of you out there that are 100% content just staying home and dressing, or does everyone dream of crossing that threshold into the real world?...in the past I've expresses interest to others in my area to hangout just to hang out, dress up and talk "shop" if you will...and every single time, if I wasn't going to head out to the club or go outside I was pretty shunned...almost as if there was some sort of elitist culture about it...those that don't go out aren't viewed as good enough or committed enough to this...

has anyone else been meet with this sorta thing before?

[Vanessa Rose]

Brilliant question. I will remain positive and cheerful in my answer...


I am happy being confined in my own house.. I am also happy going out. There is a certain release of endorphins or whatever the hell happens when you panic because you have a situation present itself that you had not planned on. I have almost dropped a breastform and in actuality, a few press on nails (true story) in real life whilst out and about. Yep, it embarrassing, but that is where the raccoon cap and sunglasses come in handy.


Interesting... I don't recall any threads that discuss what the support groups do, but one comment from someone who went during a discussion thread, and this may not be true but several respected sisters said it was, that they did not understand the need to go to their support group with others of like kind because it was guys, unshaved and smoking cigars and all, except in dresses.


Don't know if that is true, but I will post on that in the future.. if allowed.


Vanny

[Judith96a]

You don't have to go out. I found that being confined to a hotel room was both confining and cut down on the time available to dress up so... Yes, going out can be scary at first but it's fun too!

[Beverley Sims]

No it did not happen to me, I was given encouragement if I had any doubts.
Maybe times have changed.

[anna warren]

I'm not against going out EVENTUALLY, but at the same time there's the issue of meeting total strangers, then sharing this, often times, secret part of yourself, then putting that in a blender with a dash of real world immersion and its pretty intense...i think a lot of people, not everyone, may lose touch with that when it comes to the newbies...it feels like since they've been out and about for so long that everyone should...dont know...kinda left a bad taste in my mouth...again, that was a while ago, who knows what it'll be like this time around if I decide to hang out with people...

[Katey888]

Anna - there are those of us who, for a variety of reasons, either choose not to go out or can't go out. I don't believe in general you'll find any open denigration of those of us who stay home, simply because there are just too many of us - but also on this forum everyone is pretty accepting that we each tread our own path. There have been many threads discussing this even in the past few weeks - take a wander back in the threads and you' rebound to come across some.

I'd like to think the support would be there for both groups but especially for first-time outers - again, there are many threads here from those who relate their first few experiences out - and they are definitely worth reading to see how others approach the big wide world.

I'm content to be at home at the moment - but I go through phases of wanting to be out - just a party girl at heart, really... :cheer:

Katey x

[samantha rogers]

Maybe it is just a matter of timing, and where each person is on their road of self discovery. There was a time I never would have even thought about going out, but now...if the time and circumstance were right...I really think I would love it.

[Dana_Drake]

I'm new here, Anna, just feeling my way around and trying not to step on toes. You need to be true to yourself. To be on this board in the first place, we're not your everyday guy. I've learned a lot here. The people are very friendly and accepting for the most part. But people are people, there will always be times when someone (generally with good intentions) attempts to impose their sense of correctness on you. Ignore any advice that makes you uncomfortable. God gave you instincts-- follow them. My cross dressing is a private thing I only share with one person I am close to. Will I ever decide to emerge from my secret closet? I don't know. I suppose stranger things have happened in my life. I love your profile photo!

[natcrys]

It depends I would say.. if you had asked me at age 19 whether I just wanted to stay inside and be dressed up and take photos and be satisfied with that.. then I would have said yes!

Now that I'm older.. I find myself only dressing up if I am going to do something. Doesn't matter what.. anything really.. go to parties, have dinner/drinks with friends, go get groceries, shooting pics/videos outside. I do occasionally dress up at home to take pictures and movies of my outfits and/or make-up... or when I have guests.

But I find walking around in a limited number of square metres a very unsatisfying experience. I need to do some serious walking in my heels.. ;-)

[PaulaQ]

I've always been willing to hang out and talk with girls who weren't ready to go out in public yet. I understand how it is - I used to feel the same way. Not everyone is like that. That said, if I hang out with someone, I do try to very gently coax them out - but never forcefully. Some are never ready for that. To be honest, most of the girls I've hung out with have been trans - so if they are going to eventually transition, they gotta get used to going out in public. I don't know that I'd try to coax a CDer to go out into the real world. If they wanted to - I'd help, if they didn't, that'd be OK with me. I'd still hang out with them.

[Kristy 56]

I think to each her own. I've gone out and loved just about every minute of it. However, the time and circumstances have to be just right. After all there certainly is an element of risk involved. Do I think less of someone who hasn't ? Not at all,it's a personal decision and really none of my business. :)

[Anna H]

I haven't been out, and would love to have someone just hang out. Sadly
I'm in an area where there's little chance of meeting anyone to do that
with. The closest one of us I know is a few hours away...and work/family
for her makes that unlikely to happen.

I'd be more comfortable with just sitting around talking, as I've never even
met another like us.

And...I hate to add this, but age comes into it for me. I'm a good bit
older than anyone who'd even want to just hang out talking. Most
my age do go out and I'm just not quite ready myself.

Oh well....I'll keep at it and one day it'll all work out fine. This place
does wonders for me as it is....

:happy:

[Melissa73]

i gotta respond! all my life i secretly dressed, careful not to be discovered, but at the sametime i desired more... as in getting out and being who i am.

Now that i'm out, ive been support meetings dressed, and ive been out for late night walks. (1 time even being stopped by a police officer while walking).
BUt in the end, i feel comfortable at home dressed......But i definitely desire making friends like me, to get together and talk....and hang out


melissa

[kev.wong140]

I would like to go out if I can, but of course, I have to pass as being a girl before heading out as one.

[Kate Simmons]

Not really Hon but what I do or want to do has nothing to do with what anyone else does. I'm going to do what I want to do regardless. If they want to join in all fine and good, if not, oh well!:)

[~Joanne~]

For the most part, I am content with dressing inside the comfort of my own home but once you have been out dressed, you want to again and again and again and get more "daring" each time. The last time I was out was a few days before Halloween. My SO and I went out and while taking some pictures a lady in a van pulled around and my SO said "we have company". normally I duck inside the car but this time I just smiled at her and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary other than I was dressed to the nines and my SO wasn't lol

To be honest, My desire to go out only gets really bad around halloween, probably for the safety cushion of the holiday, rest of the year I am content inside.

[MsVal]

The folks on this forum are, by and large very kind, considerate, and polite. The jerks are dealt with by the moderators (yay!). However, there does seem to be the unspoken pressure to consummate one's crossdressing journey by getting all dressed up and blending with the rest of society. I've noticed that myself and have a nagging question in the back of my mind whether this is good or fair for those that are new, or in a situation that makes such an activity very remote or impossible. Does it make them feel like a second class person, or make them even more frustrated?

But if I give my head a quick shake, just like an Etch-A-Sketch, the questions goes away and life is good again.

As one that goes on his outings vicariously, please don't stop writing about them.

Best wishes
MsVal

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Anna, I'm happy to be a stay at home lady.

[Adriana Moretti]

I like both staying in is fun...especially if you have friends to do it with, alone can get...well lonely..not to mention boring, but a girls night IN is always fun. Makeovers, Movies,Wine etc... Going out is fun too...everyones different I guess..theres no reason to go out if thats not your thing. I love to dance...so I go out to do that...but I never dress just to go "shopping" or errands etc...everyone has their reasons

[Rachael Leigh]

Yes going out is amazing and I'm one who has only done it one time where I wasn't going to a party where it's expected you would be in costume. I'm not sure if I ever will again but I now know I could do it if I felt the need. With that said I love just getting dressed taking pictures and sharing with all these lovely ladies and I'm good with that

[Jaylyn]

I have been dressing for a very long time Anna and have never been out at least where anyone would be able to see me. The farm I guess doesn't count as out and I'm careful when I leave the house even to just sit on the back porch and watch the sun go down (dressed sometimes and sometimes partially dressed and playing my guitar). My nearest neighbors are at least a quarter mile away. At the farm they are miles away. I feel I am in a comfort zone in all those places. I have thought though it would be fun to be dressed with another cd and going to a movie or just sitting at the house and watching a movie. I have found that I can be content to dress and clean house or just take pictures. I firmly believe every one is different just as in the real world one mold can't catch all. We all are unique individuals with different goals in life, and thus also in CD'ing. I don't any desire to be a woman I just enjoy wearing the clothes. Some want more some want even less than me. There are no rules in cd you do your thing and I do mine. The big unity though is we are have a similar interest and thus we have that in common. How far you want to take it depends on each one. Posting on here is helpful to learn what limits each of us have on ourselves. Our experiences posted on here is helpful to those that experience or cross into that situation. We are all one but sometimes not one for all. Just enjoy how you want to enjoy this fabulous feeling that seems to take control of us from time to time.

[KaceyR]

re:the reason to go out or not:
I think the answer may also be affected by the "reasoning" for the CDer to CD in the first place.
See..some CD to "complete" themselves.. some just enjoy the fun of it. Some do it to escape from a mundane life.
I'm a bit of mix myself of it all. I CD partially because I feel my mundane existence isn't great, and it has proven to show another side of myself I've never been able to "let loose". (plus I'm solo..no spouse, children or other people living with me)
So Kacey showed up.
So in my case I can be and feel "freer" as Kacey compared to regular life. I can't say I accomplish much as Kacey... (except losing more $ in shopping :)) , but I've felt better and am able to put some of my drab person's fears of going out,communicating,socializing etc on hold and "experience" life just a bit better.

I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't be able to keep Kacey stuck in this apartment forever. And I haven't. (haven't got to the socializing side yet..but have been out a few times-CD is newish for me).

There's a myriad of CDer types and ways to express CDing. No one is required to do anything if they don't want to.

Now as far as groups go, I haven't got out to see any of those (yet). I guess some could take it as a level of "outness" as it were and maybe put a thinking of "oh you're not dedicated enough" or somesuch. (man..I get a feeling of grade school "I'm better than you..nyah nya nya nyah nyaaah" thing...). Similar things are done with other topics and groups.. and it's generally a bit of ego-play. But I'd say just because there are CDers that are out there and grouped..it doesn't mean the people would automatically be grown-up and "enlightened" to put consideration for other's situations before their own egos.

It's really their loss if they can't tolerate CDers of all types. The more respect given to others by an individual or a group, the more respect they'll get back in return.

It's funny in a sad way.
GLBT people are challenging the world to accept them.
Yet once groups occur..egos and elitism can have them doing to others of their own, kind of the same stuff they don't want to be done to them. (judging,shunning,clique-ing,etc).

Unfortunately it seems to be a "human" response.

In a way, they don't help their cause as this only shifts or adds to the stresses on that person.
A person hiding their GLBT or CD self from spouses,friends for fear of retribution accumulate so much pressure to "be someone they're not" on a daily basis even pushing some to suicide.
The social groups are supposed to be a way they can be together and express themselves. But if all they're doing is excluding specific types or specific people..then they've turned "hiding" pressure into a peer pressure type and may have forced the person into "no way out" thinking furthering the person's despair. (I know not all are that troubled..I'm just using an example of someone that would be troubled with it all and how it would affect that person).

I don't know if that's what happened with one localish group..I won't go into specifics here but it involved a major known organization and exclusionary rejection.. and now I've not seen that local chapter around anymore in the overall organizations' lists anymore (and unfortunately haven't seen anything that replaced that group).

Anyways, just my thinking on it. But hey, I over-analyze everything too.

[bimini1]

All the posts are great insight on this. Years ago going out was like this holy grail or something for me. Then about '99 I went out to a support group. And it was downhill from there. It's like my balloon deflated. I could take it or leave it but had I not done it I would have forever been wondering what it would have been like. 7 or 8 years went by before I seriously thought about doing it again.

And so I did it again last year. Like almost every other month for about a half a year. And I found it was less and less exciting each time. So I am back to take it or leave it. I always thought something negative would happen but it never did. I was always treated nicely wherever I went. But it only takes that one time to send me backwards probably.
The group I'm involved with now has a decidedly TS bent to it and most of them are way out, some on way to transition. A little politicized for my tastes, but they aren't pushy and are very supportive. I wish I could hang out with GG's while en femme as I love their company while in male mode.
You have to do you and not allow others to color that.

[Stephanie47]

I'm totally content to be an in-home dresser, which also includes my backyard. Years ago I was driven to go out. This is way before the Internet. On occasion I did get fully en femme, including wig and makeup, and take a drive and an evening stroll. I avoid interaction with people. I guess I could then say "I did it!" I also interacted on two Halloweens with humans. It was Halloween, so all was OK. Fast forward to four years ago and I went out in the evening fully made up again. I took some nightly strolls. I walked to the post office mail box. And, the book return slot at the library. I found I had tired of it. It was boring. It was boring probably because I was doing nothing but walking. Yes, I loved the feel of a cool breeze whipping my dress and slip in the night air. Do go out and socialize, even with fellow girls? I always think "To what end?" What will I have in common with them other than wearing a dress? It is a restrictive interest group.

So, I tried it. I did it. Maybe I'll do it in the future. Right now, I am content to be en femme enjoying my other past times.

[Princess Grandpa]

All I wanted was to sit home and feel pretty. I had no desire to even step out the back door. I started going out to please my wife. It feels like the least I could do considering the support and help she has given me. It's why I'm driven to overcome my fear and take her wherever instead of just safe clubs. I think if she were no longer interested in going put with Rita I would be perfectly content to stay home. It's hard to say. Who knows? Once pandora a box is opened... Maybe I would find a need to get out now that I've been out.

Hug
Rita

[Taylor Ray]

Yes, Anna, I have experienced this. But I take it with a grain of salt. As you probably know, even withing the LGBT community there are those who cat-fight and claim to be more authentic than others. The place I buy my wigs has a lot of Drag Queen inspired culture, which does differentiate itself from cross dressing as well as transvestic fetishism.

I enjoy buying wigs but I do get pressured to "go out" and "go clubbing". Evidently, my lack of interest in doing so is unconsciously considered some sort of "resistance" or fear. But that is their projection. If you dig chillin' at home, just know that there are others just like you!

[AllieSF]

Hi Anna and welcome to the Forum because I missed your introductory thread. Since you only have 10 posts as of the moment I am writing this, and unless you have been lurking around here for a long time reading a lot of threads, you probably have not yet seen the large number of posts by members who go out that support those that do not go out. In fact in all my time here I have read very few that have actually come close to talking (written) down to the stay at home members here. I would say that the very large and vast majority of us respect those that want to stay home, softly encourage them to eventually try it, and definitely offer super support to those that are interested in taking their first few steps out the door, even if that means a late night walk around the subdivision or through a local nearby park. There are very many here, probably the majority, who are happy at home. Many of those have expressed here their desire to eventually go out. Both have been supported here.

Regarding meeting someone to hang out with, that is another different situation. Hanging out with other stay at homes brings into consideration a lot of obstacles. The first one is where to hang out for an extended period of time and can you dress there? Both are key logistical issues. Then there is when to do that? Single people have more scheduling flexibility while a married person has to work it around the SO's and family's schedules. If one is not out to the SO, there are more complications. Then you run into the matter of trust in the other party and finally the actual compatibility of the two personalities. Why hang with someone who is someone you wouldn't want to hang with in guy mode? Throw in a little or a lot of CDer's fear, shame, lack of communications skills and a few other things that most of us have in one degree or another and it is easy to have, or even worse, anticipate having, a bad time when you finally meet up. And last but not least, some people enjoy the intimate side of this and others are very fearful of putting themselves in that situation.

I knew from my first time totally dressed up that I wanted to go out. I knew that I probably would not go out alone, so I started looking for someone who I could join or who would join me. It took a while but is has worked very successfully for me. However, when I started out, I had a lot of those worrisome thoughts about meeting complete strangers, revealing this side of me to them and worrying whether they could be trusted to respect and keep my secret. So, I have experienced some of your same experiences, including the no shows who promised to meet for coffee in guy mode just to talk.

Regarding support groups, there are good and bad opinions about them. I have been to several different groups and all of them have been fine, some better than others, and only a few much better. I am really not much of a regular attending member to these group meet ups. Most are less support groups and more the social get together type groups. They all serve a purpose. It is always good to define what you want when you start going to one. Is it to learn only, to socialize, which doesn't always mean talking about CD stuff (actually it is only a minor percent of the total conversations), or to network and meet a compatible friend with whom you can then meet outside the larger group format? All those needs can be satisfied in the correct group, or maybe only partially satisfied leaving more work for you to network to find that key person to be your CD friend.

All I can say that it does take work, and if you invest the time and effort and can deal with the occasional set backs, it is more than worth that effort. Good luck and enjoy your stay.

[wilt575]

No not 100%, Once you go out a few times, you will find it's like puting humpty-dumpty back together again. Just takes a few baby steps remember every walk starts with the first step. If the rest of your looks are as good as your avatar you will have no problems. Now get out there and don't let the door hit you in the booty!

[Tina B.]

Going out is fine, if that's what you want, but at my age, I just don't care to go out, I don't want to be bothered. I feel very uncomfortable when I have tried going out, and I feel super comfortable when staying in. I've never been insulted, felt threatened, or nervous being staying home, and I don't have to worry about being age appropriate or ****ty in how I dress. I don't need all of the padding, I would use to go out, so the clothes are more comfortable. There is nothing wrong with being house bound, if that is where you are comfortable, There is nothing wrong with going out if you are adventurous enough. When I was younger, I might have been more inclined to go out, but I started trying to go out late in life, and just never was comfortable with it.
Why I think is wrong is thinking everyone else should do either, just because you do it, doesn't make it right for the next gal, to each there own.

[Marcelle]

Hi Anna,

I am saddened to read about your less than positive experience.

I started my journey at home and swore I would never go out but as things progressed Isha wanted to see the light as much as my boy side . . . so I did. Is it right for everyone? Only one person can answer that question and that is "you". You should never feel pressured to do something you are not ready to do. Heck this thing we do is difficult enough without feeling pressured to go out amongst the vanilla world. When and if you are ready, you will know and make the decision to launch or not. We are all here to support one another and that support should be unconditional irrespective of a gal going out or staying home . . . we are in the end all sisters in this thing we do and family should never judge. :)

Hugs

Isha

[Christen]

I'd absolutely love to go out but apart from quick walks at night, and a couple of drives, also at night, I never have. I'm a happy stay at homer for now.
I'm sure you could find 'an elitist culture' somewhere, we are still just human but people who have that attitude aren't very nice.

Christen x

[JamieG]

Hi Anna,

For many years, I was not comfortable going out dressed in public places. The first TGs I met face-to-face were at a support group. Many of them would go out and offer for me to join them, but I would decline. There was no pressure, just a standing offer. Eventually, I bit the bullet and did it, but at a support group that was a bit farther from home. It was exhilarating, but still a small step because we went to a bar which was having a TG night with a cover charge: little chance of being harassed. Since then, I have been en femme at other bars, conferences, restaurants, a casino, and a public park in the daytime. For me, being able to do ordinary things en femme helps to normalize it for me, but my family situation prevents me from doing this too often.

As for being shunned, I think it might be more with needing to get to know someone before hanging out at their place or inviting them to yours, as opposed to a superiority thing. It is not wise to invite Internet people over to your house, no matter what group you met them in, or how nice they seem online. You need to meet in a safe public place first and decide if the physical person is someone you'd like to have as a friend. I have met a few people from this forum, but we met first in drab at a restaurant or at a TG conference. I now have friends who have been over to my house, and likewise I've been to theirs. But it took a while to get to know them first.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm SURE! I'm a crossdresser, period. I be perfectly happy to NEVER have go out dressed again!:D
I believe MANY CD's feel exactly the same way I do.

The only reason for me to go out dressed? To hang/meet with other dressers. :hugs:

Do I go out dressed? Yes. Do I like it better after going out more and more the last couple of years? No. I like it LESS!:doh: