What is it about 6"?

[Vanessa Rose]

You know, for the life of me, I am successful, a social hack (apparently) and direct. I don't care if you like me or hate me. If I want a friend, I would buy a dog. But, my friends are incredibly loyal, and so are my mates (SO's). Why, I could not tell you.


I am sarcastic, flirty, honest to a fault (apparently), and will stand by my friend long past when all others abandoned ship or have lost touch.


What is my point..


I am very socially outgoing, and can talk to anyone about anything (except know-it-alls) and don't take too much seriously. I cringe in board rooms when everyone is so serious and so incorrect about a point, yet they are selling it. I love just asking one question that throws them into a tail spin. fools... they always talk, but never listen. it is universal.


again what is my point...


Why is it, that with all this there are so many that can do everything in their life successfully and when it comes to one step, through a 6" wall and past the first ten feet out their doors, we act like children and just can't bring ourselves to open the door and walk out. Just can't do it. This paralysis, in my opinion, negates us truly being alive, recognized, with not virtual but real, personal existence for who our CD personalities are. Am I wrong?


It baffles me. I have posted numerous times (for those not deleted or edited within an inch of their lives (wink) mostly with appropriate reason after additional consideration and input from the Mod team.


I can't come up with the answer..... I guess it is the same reason as to why we just can't tell our SO? Or can't tell someone we are gay or bi or green or hang upside down and snore at night. Who cares in the end of the day. It is our lives right.


But I loose sleep over this and read hundreds of posts, over 10's of years and from much wiser and more accomplished CD'ers than me. The worst part is that I used to go out and now can't.


I am baffled. I am baffled as to why I care about these things associated not with my everyday life, but with the CD life, that, I love so much. It hurts me inside... that i am not bigger than 6"'s that would take me into existance and into the world. What a chicken.


I am at a loss really...http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/icons/icon8.gifhttp://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/icons/icon9.gif


Vanny:eek:

[PaulaQ]

What do you think changed for you Vanessa, that you are no longer able to cross that threshold when you could in the past? What is different now?

[Kate Simmons]

It's all about being who we are and having fun with that Hon. If I were close to you, I would get you out there one way or the other. ;):)

[Lexi_83]

From The Birdcage.


Senator Kevin Keeley: I don't really drink...
Agador: Yeah, but now's the time to pretend!

A couple of shots of Schnapps works for me....

[Vanessa Rose]

I am at a loss ladies./ girls / guys.... really.


I don't have a lick of resistance. I posted earlier that I mentioned to my SO how nice it will be when we have some privacy installed and she looked at me dumbfounded and said "why would you need that" or something such ..


She could care.. we talked about going out and getting our nails done, shopping, eating, going out for wine and dinner and ................ no batting of an eye at all.


maybe I just have to chalk this down to I don't want to be recognized. What a fool if that is true...


Thanks also Kate.. very sweet of you...


and regarding schnapps .... that is sadly, likely, going to be the rise and fall of the fat fanny Vanny empire on that note (no being fat is my world..MY world..)


any ideas... by the way, I have not put on an outfit in front of her either...bits and pieces and such... but not all of the fantastic Vanny... What a ship wreck..


Worse yet... I have set goals to go shopping with her and met that goal. Discussed having her help me and determining some next steps....


I promised that I would go out shopping in the next two weeks. Blown that right out of the water. If I did, I would be a wreck... but honestly, I read facial, body and environmental queues very well I think, and there is never a hint of hesitation or insincerity in her words or actions. She was pissed when we went out shopping and I would not try out items in the store in my man me mode.


ok Thoughts?


V

[bimini1]

I dunno. Do you feel deep down that is what you even want to do? You strike me as someone who knows what they want and has no problem going after it. My wife has told me to get out and go places as my femme self, but I also waver at times. My problem is fear of being recognized. Plain and simple, I don't need to be found out. Yet after a while I muster up the courage to go for it. There have even been a few times I was able to relax and enjoy the experience but last time out I seriously asked myself, is this really what I want to be doing, should be doing?

I am perplexed as to how to answer this. I have to answer it before this weekend though, as another opportunity presents itself and she is urging me by telling me you need to do this if it is what you need to do. Life is short. But is it worth it if found out, the answer is no. I am leaning towards going for it since the last time out was October.

All I can ask you is do you really want to do it?

[Alice Torn]

I can relate to that. I have been out probably 15 times in my dressing career, but still am quite panicked about the thought, each time.

[Erica Anne]

The first 6 inches is the hardest part. I have the same problem close to home. But when traveling, say the last stretch from the last rest stop on the highway before making it home, I will change, but not completely. I have gone out on several occasions, Halloween was my first time out. I just so happened to live near a park where activities are often held, GLBT events are great, at least you will not be the only one there, no fear, and the police are there to protect you not arrest you, assuming there is security as there always is at any type of event. Your first adventure does not have to be from your front door either. Not sure where Far Far away is, but it is sounding more like never land..... Some day you will have the courage, or either a point in time you just don't care what others will think or say. 6 inches is nothing. Try crossing a busy street in heels that are not broken in yet. Did I feel glorious and total bliss just to be free. Nothing comes close to your first time. When you do get past the 6" and make your first step out as a woman, I hope the experience is as exciting as it was for me. (P. S. I was not wearing a wig either, had short man hair and did not care. )

[ReineD]

I think I remember reading somewhere that you did go out some years ago but then stopped?

Maybe with facial changes that result from aging, you simply aren't that confident with your ability to pass anymore or your ability to look like the mental image you have of an attractive GG? Might this also be why you do not want to dress in front of your SO?

I ask because I have read time and time again in this forum, stories about CDers who do not go out in public because they either don't feel they pass or they don't look the way they would like to.

[Glenda58]

Vanessa you use to go out then you stopped. I did the same thing I would go for 3 or 4 times a week. I stopped when I got married and the wife didn't want to see it. It's been a few years now but when she leaves for two or three days I couldn't bring myself to go out dressed. But little by little I'm getting my nerve back and going out that door. If I had a SO that want us go get our nails done or shopping with me dress I would have die and gone to heaven. It will come back. You don't sound like things like this will hold you down for long.

[Beverley Sims]

I think you are another victim of over thinking.
You are thinking yourself out of the good life you led at one time.

[Vanessa Rose]

I think you are another victim of over thinking.
You are thinking yourself out of the good life you led at one time.

I don't know beverly. I think that may be the case, but it appears to be an actual fear. I have asked to go to a gender counselor in the next few months. Perhaps that will help me understand this. now, I am just not sure. Thanks for your note...i appreciate it. V


Vanessa you use to go out then you stopped. I did the same thing I would go for 3 or 4 times a week. I stopped when I got married and the wife didn't want to see it. It's been a few years now but when she leaves for two or three days I couldn't bring myself to go out dressed. But little by little I'm getting my nerve back and going out that door. If I had a SO that want us go get our nails done or shopping with me dress I would have die and gone to heaven. It will come back. You don't sound like things like this will hold you down for long.

I do have a SO that is not adverse to that...go figure.. and I still can't. She could care less from each and every interaction... yep.. I am a fool. Interestingly and thanks for posting, when I did travel by car, that is when I went out and drove for a day or sometimes days and checked into hotels and shopped etc. I don't do that anymore...and it stopped. Interesting. I forgot about that association... maybe it means something. also, now that I think about it, i would not shop locally, it was always when I was safely away from people I knew. You are getting to something.


I think I remember reading somewhere that you did go out some years ago but then stopped?

Maybe with facial changes that result from aging, you simply aren't that confident with your ability to pass anymore or your ability to look like the mental image you have of an attractive GG? Might this also be why you do not want to dress in front of your SO?

I ask because I have read time and time again in this forum, stories about CDers who do not go out in public because they either don't feel they pass or they don't look the way they would like to.

I am sure I don't pass, but i have done an ok job in the past when I was without all the accessories I have now. Not sure if that is it. Maybe it is me being recognized. I need to get over that..if so...


The first 6 inches is the hardest part. I have the same problem close to home. But when traveling, say the last stretch from the last rest stop on the highway before making it home, I will change, but not completely. I have gone out on several occasions, Halloween was my first time out. I just so happened to live near a park where activities are often held, GLBT events are great, at least you will not be the only one there, no fear, and the police are there to protect you not arrest you, assuming there is security as there always is at any type of event. Your first adventure does not have to be from your front door either. Not sure where Far Far away is, but it is sounding more like never land..... Some day you will have the courage, or either a point in time you just don't care what others will think or say. 6 inches is nothing. Try crossing a busy street in heels that are not broken in yet. Did I feel glorious and total bliss just to be free. Nothing comes close to your first time. When you do get past the 6" and make your first step out as a woman, I hope the experience is as exciting as it was for me. (P. S. I was not wearing a wig either, had short man hair and did not care. )

6" IS A HUGE DEAL when you walk outside your home. I had this exact discussion with the most beautiful woman in the world this past weekend. No need to go into detials about where we are, but i did say that we need to do some remodeling and perhaps a second garage so that I won't be seen if I was to go out dressed. She said who cares, go as you are and who cares what the neighbors say... Can I ask more than that no, but if you ask me to act on that, I would shudder and go into a nervous panic. And to walk across a busy street dressed and in heels... Hell I can't get out my front door and to the car with a supportive SO...
I don't know... Thanks for your thoughts...I do appreciate your posting and trying to help me understand this. Really!!!


I can relate to that. I have been out probably 15 times in my dressing career, but still am quite panicked about the thought, each time.

I am hopeful that the counselor will help. I also want to get a coach in my area to help with walking and such... I would be the equivalent of a linebacker (small and beatup one) walking and would look like Joe Friday walking across the street... I live that fear. But you know, when I did go out, I remember working on all this. and I felt silly and all, but i remember really thinking about this. I did not, as I have read many times before, watch how women walked and their gestures.. I did read a bit though and go along ok if I must say so... so who knows...but I understand and live your fear... Thanks for sharing your fears and thoughts. I suppose we will both get better but it sure is not easy... not for me at least. not at all. good luck with your efforts too.


I dunno. Do you feel deep down that is what you even want to do? You strike me as someone who knows what they want and has no problem going after it. My wife has told me to get out and go places as my femme self, but I also waver at times. My problem is fear of being recognized. Plain and simple, I don't need to be found out. Yet after a while I muster up the courage to go for it. There have even been a few times I was able to relax and enjoy the experience but last time out I seriously asked myself, is this really what I want to be doing, should be doing?

I am perplexed as to how to answer this. I have to answer it before this weekend though, as another opportunity presents itself and she is urging me by telling me you need to do this if it is what you need to do. Life is short. But is it worth it if found out, the answer is no. I am leaning towards going for it since the last time out was October.

All I can ask you is do you really want to do it?

More than you can know. really... I am working on actions to address my fear, not just words. I am not a talker but a doer... I will work on steps to over come my fear... part of this honestly, is I have never been fully assembled as Vanessa... when I am and my SO has her crack at me.. (lord that is another fear all toghether), then hopefully some of the fear will turn to wonder and I can just enjoy it. My goal is to go out and eat a meal and drink wine with her for hours in a small cafe. Would not that be heavenly. I just can't wait... Thanks so much to taking time to post.

Thank all of you... any other thoughts would be good... i seem to have made some progress here...honestly... who would have thunk... time for the hottub and corona.. if only i lived the dream.

[Jacky Aikou]

Vanessa, your post really resonates as just this past Sunday I had a "failure to launch." My wife took our baby and preschooler and gifted me with 3 glorious hours to do as I pleased, as long as I was home back in boy mode before they returned. My intention was to get out for some girl-time shopping for the first time in about a year. As soon as they left I fussed over my outfit, makeup, wig, jewelry, shoes, and purse contents. Finally, I'm ready to go when I hit that toughest 6 inches you speak of, got all self-conscious, and chickened out. I rationalized that I didn't have the proper outfit for the occasion, that my coat was a poor fit, what if I don't get home on time, I just looked too manly, et cetera... What a wasted opportunity.

It was quite a relief to give up at the time, but I regretted the choice for the rest of the day. All due to a mental block. Or maybe because I turned 40 last year! I do desire to go out again, to let my femme self exist and interact in public, but it's like Beverly said - I overthought things and stressed rather than just acting naturally.

Still, for a mere 6 inches it is a steep threshold to pass. Good luck, Vanessa! I hope talks with your wife and counselor visits help you sort things out.

[anaissa]

What a poignant post. I wish I had an answer for your question. All I can say is that we have all struggled with the same issue. It took me a long time to emerge from my sheltered life, but when I did push past those 6 inches, I truly took my first breaths of life. Hang in there, darlin'. The journey is all worth it. You have a friend in me. :)

[Gardener]

I am recovering from an infection in my left leg. One consequence is that I cannot walk without sticks and I have struggled to climb stairs. I stand at the bottom and freeze. There is no logical reason for it, the leg is now strong enough to take weight, everything works. I know the problem was in my head, fear of falling, could I trust the leg etc. I don't want to live my life on the ground floor so each day I have tried. I can now get half way up and then down again, and looking reasonably elegant. I will get to the top this week and in time will not need my sticks. All the anxieties are understandable but for me the issue is do I want them to diminish my life. No one should beat themselves up for freezing when it comes to doing things which are way out of the comfort zone. However if it is something you really want to do then maybe with help and encouragement and honesty about what is the fear, we will take the first step in the knowledge that afterwards everyone will be easier.

[Marcelle]

Hi Vanny,

Interesting thread. I am at a bit of a loss on how to answer this one. Normally when we have engaged in behavior we enjoy (in this case CDing) we only grow in our confidence and continue along that path regardless of how we do it (public, closet). In your case, you have gone out publically and also have an accepting and supportive SO. However, now you cannot get past the door or dress in front of your SO. I would surmise a guess that something happened to you which was not an great experience in the past which may have elicited this behavior. Did something occur in the past (bad outing, snide comment, confrontation) which may have wavered your resolve?

The other potential trigger may be something internalized which is triggering a deep seated fear of presenting not only publically but to your SO as well. You seem like an outgoing, devil may care social butterfly who is comfortable in "his" skin. However life events (obvious and not so obvious) can leave a trace of doubt in all our minds . . . it could be whatever this is has effected "Vanny - en femme" and not "Vanny - en boy". If that is the case a therapist may be able to bring some order to chaos for you.



Hugs

Isha