Dazed and Confused or HELP! I DON'T KNOW WHO/WHAT I AM.

[Barbie Anne]

I've given up trying to classify myself, but I do know what I want out of life, and my dear sweet, loving and supportive wife assures me that she wants me to be happy and comfortable in my own skin, no matter what life choices I make.
I am afflicted with a, (to my thoughts), rather odd type of GD, and I don't know how common it is but I need some guidance.
First off I'm a 49 y.o. hetero cd/tg/??, married and quite happy in that marriage.
I prefer sex with females and always have.
Guess what I'm trying to get at here is that I've always.....ALWAYS wanted to develope breasts and live my life as a woman but still have the use of the boys. I've grown quite attached to that portion of my anatomy. (pun intended).
Is this common? I truly feel as if I was born a lesbian in a man's body. I know that's been used as a joke before but it fits me and I'm not using it in jest.
I've discussed this with my wife, and she seems fine with whatever I choose to do, but I don't know where to start, what to do or whatever...........I'm so lost and I feel so pent up and confused inside that it hurts and I find myself crying as I type this.
I want to free Barbie to be herself but I also know the stigma attached and in no way want to hurt my biggest supporter, my dear sweet wife.
This question goes out to all m2f and f2m ........Do you feel as if you're in the wrong body but still attracted to the genetic opposite sex? And how did you approach it?

[Angela Campbell]

Who you are attracted to has nothing to do with sexual identity. I am very attracted to women. Whether or not a vagina is there is of no importance. I have had "encounters" with women who had a penis, but I have never had any attraction to a man. I doubt I could fall in love with a male, but have fallen in love with a female before.

Just to be clear, I have no use for my male parts and will be correcting that as soon as I can. Yes I could live as a woman with it but I will not feel complete. I have been married to women twice, but never thought of myself as a man. Would I miss the boys? Hell no....but then again after hormones they don't work anyway.

I never had any real desire to grow breasts. I mean in order to be and live as a woman I need them but there was never any real desire for them. Not that I don't really like them now.

[Barbie Anne]

Thank you kindly Angela :) Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated as I'm in such a bundle of emotions over this.
Yes I've thought about my male parts no longer functioning sexually if I go ahead with hrt, and while my wife is supportive, I feel that's just too much to ask of her, as her fullfillment is important to me as much as mine is.
I truly believe I've found my soul-mate and don't want to let her down. I'm not just considering hrt for the breasts. if that were the case I'd just go for ba surgery. Maybe I'm just in denial I don't know.

[Kristy 56]

Barbie I feel terrible for what you must be going through. Unfortunately,I don't have an answer for you,though I wish I did. On the positive side,you have your wife willing to stand by you with whatever decision you make.Probably some counseling would help immensely right now. I'm sure that you'll probably get some good suggestions form those who have been through it. I hope that you're spirits are soon lifted high.
Hugs,
Kristy :)

[Barbie Anne]

Kristy dear thank you so much, I am happy...well sort of but I'm starting to realize what true bi-polar folks go though lol.
I agree counseling of some type is deffinately in order and my wife agrees. It's still hard for me to believe her when she says she'll stick with me no matter what but she seems so sincere. Guilt, shame and happiness all at the same time lol. I'm just a mess right now, and have found in the past that a good rant with understanding ears, is very cathartic.

[anaissa]

My dearest Barbie Anne!

How I wish I had the perfect response for you, but as you know, there are no perfect answers. What I can offer is a virtual hug--and I know that is probably silly.

I want to be able to tell you that I've got all of life's questions answered. I can't. I am, however, asking myself better questions. Not to long ago, after much introspection, I came to the conclusion that I am far too complex to fit into a neat little category. That's ok. I just proceeded to ask some basic questions: who do I love? What makes this person attractive? What makes me feel whole? These are the most important ones for ME to answer.

I suspect that you already have these answers. You're halfway there darlin'.

Thanks for sharing so deeply. I'm glad you're my friend.

[Barbie Anne]

Thank you Anaissa, and yes I do have the answers to those particular questions.
My wife sat me down and told me that I've spent my life in service to others and it's high time I serve myself, but I have a hard time with that. Always have. However the urge to actually "be who I wanna be" is growing and I feel I need to do something before I just become a sad old man in a dress. I want to be happy with who I am and, at this time I'm not, but I think I could be.

[KellyJameson]

It can be difficult to separate what is influencing you, sex or gender identity because sex can influence gender identity and gender identity can influence sexual identity.

Gender identity is separate from sexual identity but they can and do influence each other.

An example would be taking someone born with male genitalia who is comfortable using and owning this part of their anatomy for its intended purpose with and on women.

This means sexually objectifying the female body so "identifying with" the female body "out of sex" so because of sex.

This than brings to question. Does the desire to own breasts come out of sexual identification ?

Without your sexuality would you want breasts ?

Do you wish to keep your current genitalia in the state they are in because of the pleasure it brings you, and or are they symbolic of who you are ?

The genitalia are extremely powerful symbols of gender identity but this identity can become confused when you mistake sex for gender identity.

In my opinion to understand gender identity you must strip out the effects of sex regardless of what sex you are attracted to because it is "the other" as sexual partner that will color your own understanding of who you are as your gender identity.

If you sexualize breasts so want them for yourself this is not gender dysphoria but could easily be labelled as such because of the unhappiness felt for wanting them but not having them so "over identifying" with breasts.

It is very dangerous to mix sex with gender identity in a world where if you have the resources it is easy to change your physical body.

I rarely meet a person who identifies as "transgendered" who does not do this.

[DeeDee1974]

Therapy would be a great place to start. You'll be able to talk through everything that is running through your head.

Who I said I was and who I wanted to be at the start of my journey is very different than who I have become 3 years later. And that is for the best.

[Barbara Ella]

Barbie, I so sympathize with you. I do not have answers, but can only relate my experiences and some advice for your edification. I am 67 now, and started my journey of discovery at age 65, out of the blue. We have been married for 43 years. It has taken time, but my wife now supports me and wants me to be happy and fulfilled.....but, within some boundaries she needs for her well being. I trust her, and listen to her, and yes, this can bring some conflict into my thought process when what i feel i must do is in conflict with our agreements. She is open to discussion. First, you must trust your wonderful wife and believe in her and make sure she knows that you treasure everything she shares with you.

Don't worry about knowing who you are. When you know what you need to be, that will take care of itself. Knowledge beforehand is not necessary to begin a journey, it can help, no doubt, but it should not delay advancement.

My wife refuses to call me a lesbian, but she still attracts me like no other. For the majority of my life I truly enjoyed the boys. Now they are no longer a necessary part of my being. I have small breasts from the HRT, and no longer need the boys, and if the life situation would allow, they would be gone. The fact they cannot go does not detract from the joy I am experiencing (sure a lot of negatives too) in this journey.

Start your journey, make it together, and enjoy what you can achieve.

Barbara

[danielleb]

... Who I said I was and who I wanted to be at the start of my journey is very different than who I have become 3 years later. And that is for the best.


I think this is best way to perceive things. When you start to strip away the idea of "Guilt, shame..." that you discussed you'll begin to tear down mental blocks that are providing you that sense of stability and grounding that you're living in now. When you start to shake your gender identity everything else is along for the ride, sexual identity, self perceptions, dreams and desires are going to change along the way. You may end up where you started, or hold on to some things so tight that you never let go. Expect the unexpected!

I'm more than three years in now and I still wrestle with all of these things. I see all the boxes I should or could fit into, but I just don't.

[kimdl93]

Well, assess where you are in your life, talk seriously with your wife about her needs, desires, wants, fears, aspirations and if all the stars, or even most of them, align, then why not take steps in the direction of living more of your life as a woman. That could be satisfied, at least initially, with breast forms and licking more openly as a the person you wish to be... But breast growth with Hormones will most likely alter the nature of your physical relationship with your wife. That may not be what you want or need, so then why not consider implants. You can go further down the HRT path if this eventually has more appeal to you.

[Barbie Anne]

Thank you Danielle, I am trying to work harder to get to know me.
I've recently started dressing full time at home and underdressing while out. I'm letting Barbie have more and more freedom to spread her wings and maybe learn from her if that's who I want to be. I must admit I'm looking at life through different eyes, and do feel much happier when I'm portraying my feminine self/side/feelings?
Well like all things I'll hopefully figure it out eventually.

Thank all you kind ladies for the helpful advice and shoulder to cry on.