Checking in!

[Suzanne F]

I am lying here thinking over the last week of my journey as Suzanne.
There were highs and lows. I felt like me most of the time. My wife and I continue to show up and love one another even when it feels hopeless. Our son is a happy well adjusted eleven year old who we love very much.

Last Friday I ventured out as Suzanne for my regular trip into San Francisco. I wore jeans and boots with my new purple sweater. I first went to my 12 step meeting where they only know me as a tall red headed woman. The meeting is mostly gay men and they are so kind and supportive. After the meeting I met two ladies from the TS forum who have just begun to transition. We had a lovely dinner and they are both doing well. I am so impressed with their courage! After dinner I said goodbye and headed over to Blush to meet Kristin and her wife from New Orleans. Rachael and Allie met up with us also. It was wonderful to be out and having fun with the girls!

On Wednesday I worked all day in San Jose. I checked in to a hotel that afternoon and got all pretty! I went to Carla's for a transgender support group. It was so nurturing to be with these women. There were about 8 or 9 women with TS and Crossdressers represented. My wife knew I was going to the meeting. She was very anxious since she knew there would be TS women at the meeting. We struggled over me going but got through it. I understand why she was anxious. I also know I needed to go for me.

I was afraid the tension might mar Valentines day. It didn't! I had a wonderful bouquet of flowers made by my florist friend. Then My wife said she was t feeling great. I cancelled dinner reservations and made dinner for her. Before I started cooking she lured me to the bedroom. I was determined to be my male self for her since I wanted it to be about her. However she told me to get in my nightgown because she wanted to see the girl! My son had a sleepover so we had a wonderful blissful night. It was so sweet to be with her. It was the best Valentines ever


Saturday morning I got up early did my makeup and went to another 12 step meeting. This is a very large meeting where they have only seen Suzanne once before. I felt so free and proud when I walked into the meeting. My friends were so supportive and loving. I even sat at the table and introduced myself as Suzanne and spoke!
The weekend finished with a party for my minister and his wife. They are moving back to our home state. They know about Suzane but have struggled with the subject. We do love one another there is no question of that. Their daughter is clos to me and knew something was going on. We got some private time and I explained fully what is going on. She saw my picture and gave me a great hug. She said she would always love and support me.

As you can see it has been a full life recently. I love my wife and want so much to find the magic answer we can both live with. She and I both acknowledge that I am transgendered. She is my biggest supporter. However she misses the man I portrayed myself as . Anyway that is enough about me. I am trying to do it right. I want to be me and be what she needs.

[Katey888]

Suzanne - you are always honest with us and yourself. That integrity of what you feel and what those feelings mean to you continue to come through these notes of your journey. And yes, they make wonderful reading... :) - but you are also honest about the torment that sometimes this process is putting you through and sadly I doubt there is any other way. But then you get some great experiences like V-Day, and those are the things in life we have to hang on to and remember and seek again...

You say you are trying to do it right, but I don't believe there is any real right or wrong in these circumstances - there just 'is'. Of course you'll try to balance what is right for you and your loved ones - it's what most of us do even without having to go through what you're experiencing. But don't torment yourself too much trying to find that absolutely perfect balance - it's a diminishing return and you're pressurising yourself unnecessarily...

I think you're doing it right - just damned fine! :cheer:

Katey x

[KristyE]

Sounds like your finding a good balance for you and your wife. Best wishes.
Love KristyE

[Christina Kay]

Hi Suzanne Such a heart felt story. Have always so enjoyed the honesty you show. I soooo can relate to your stories, and the to be who you are and the balancing of a marriage. Always find something in your stories, that is so touching, it usually strikes a cord in me.

Having just this weekend , in a conversation with my wife . Talked some of what iam feeling and that I'm a lot more than cd. She notices it, and she also has her Boundries to how far she would go on this journey with me.

For me valentines day was being her husband, total en drab. Also didn't want to ruin her day. Well by the next day , she was informing me " please at least underdress and lose the guy attitude, be who you really are . Your a lot calmer and fun to be with that way"

It's moments like those that tend to re-enforce the belief maybe just maybe ,,,,,,',,, things will turn out really good ..

Hugs Aretha:battingeyelashes:

[GretchenJ]

Hi Suzanne,

From reading you post, I took away nothing but positives. I see two people trying very hard to make the situation work, and having to come to snap decisions as do I be my male of fem side for this activity combined with should my husband be male or Suzanne at the current moment.

Sounds like you wife not feeling well was a executed plan to spend quality alone time to explore intimately Suzanne , without any outside distractions. You in turn showed her that Suzanne is still in a monogamous relationship to a caring loving wife at home.

I expect these pregnant pauses will continue to exist, but shall decline over time. The key thing, is that is sounds like the level of communications are spot on for you two and that you both seem to have the important priorities in order

Best of luck to the both of you ( but I have a feeling you are not going to need it)

Gretch

[anaissa]

Hi there Suzanne! I've read and re - read your post and all I can say is that I think you are beautiful person--inside and out. I confess that your baring your soul brought tears to my eyes. I am sending you a great big hug.

[Beverley Sims]

Suzanne,
A well written bio.
I found it interesting, informative and quite touching.
I feel you have the right disposition to carry on and with the support of your wife you should b able to find some balance along the way.
I wish you well.

[Suzanne F]

Thank you sweet ladies for your responses. I love the support I receive from this forum!
Suzanne

[Hell on Heels]

Hello Suzanne, Highs and lows, everyone has 'em. That's called balance!
From the info you've provided, it sounds like you and your family are doing fine.
I think you showing up in the bedroom in DRAB, and her asking for Suzanne,
really puts the seal of approval on your relationship, not just her approval of
your CD'ing.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[carhill2mn]

This is a very interesting post! Thanks for sharing so much of what you did and how you felt.

[Kristyn Hill]

I agree with Kristyn above. Words taken right out of my mouth.