"when did you started to feel a woman?"

[bas1985]

2nd appointment with the psychiatrist, the 2nd of 4 planned, the second gatekeeping before HRT (the first is the psychologist which follows me since October).

I went there as Marina, totally "in girl mode", nothing fancy, a "normal" 40 something Italian woman. She wanted to see me my "boy" photos when I was a teenager. She said that I was a very effeminate guy. I know, no beard until 23, large hips, no body hair, voice still as a child until 18... she listened to my "correction" schemes :rofl:, going to the gym, trying to be the "boy", eventually putting myself into the road of marriage and fatherhood.

I said... well, what could I do, I knew that something was wrong, but I wanted also
a family, transitioning in 90s in Italy could mean only one thing: isolation, prostitution
or worse.

She saw my child photos and asked the title question:

"when did you started to feel a woman?"

This is a difficult question. There is not a date, a single epiphany.
I answered that as a boy I was interested in women's activities, cooking,
sewing, I wanted my mother to teach me knitting, for example.

But I would lie if I said that the thought "I am a woman" was flashing like
a disco neon light in my head. It was the subtle, under the surface, inexplicable
and awkward feeling that "something very DEEP is not right".

I named it shyness, but it was not shyness. Not sensitivity, although I am sensitive.

Well... :) two more sessions, March 4th and March 18th, and then they will give me the red or the blue pill :devil:

I am prepared for the blue pill. If they say that I am not eligible for HRT I won't go private, I won't self medicate. I will remain here, transitioning as far as I can without hormones, certainly I won't go back.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Ill reword that, when did i know i was female 10 years after i was born when my mind woke up , female brain and wired, hormones some body features, though not male or female well some of both really, as to woman i had to grow into being one like most females , never doubted myself no ?s or am i this or that, never thought as male nore acted as one did not know how any way, intersexed, that does not say there is no maleness about myself there is and that keeped me alive,

21 years ago my body went into some changes and from then on i knew as i did at 10 i would live as a normal woman and have been since then never asked any one or talked to any one i just knew , so one very strong woman very confident and self assured, may be not your feminine type yet still a hard out all woman,

...noeleena...

[Angela Campbell]

I new I was female from my earliest childhood memories.

[bas1985]

I am from a rationalistic perception and education, so I simply said that I knew that I was not a boy. And now I am not a man, certainly not. I cannot say for certain "I am a woman", as I miss the primary experience of female hood, of being in "female flesh". Nevertheless I feel feminine, this is enough, for me.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Two interesting points here, well 3 .

you, = I cannot say for certain im a woman and miss or missed the primery expreance of femalehood ,and the feel feminine,

im a woman okay can i say to be a woman you need to grow into being one , ( dare i say to be like one .)

femalehood yes now that is an issue unless your born female it changes the dynamics and the female flesh wow not thought of that and being feminine

my advantage born male female so by default my body is in some aspects female and hormones and of cause some aspects of male, growing up there was no male or female it was combined so no matter what i did or how i saw myself body or thinking was a mix of both,

as you grow you allow your self to do it not think about it like i wont to be a woman how do i do it, i was closed down very tight for about 10 years because of abuse and detail in our family 66 years ago, so a mind blank age 10 i woke up and knew who and what i was, and what would happen later on as i grow there was no male or female not sure i can explain it better, any way i went through a lot and still have issues not related to being intersex just me as a person,

just one thing i never wonted to be a male or a female, so really i have or am what im meant to be, strange you may think spos i am yet very happy, and content,

As iv grown iv become a woman its taken some 20 years, and i was ready for that to take place, i did not struggle with it it took place naturally and that has been so so lovely , now feminine .

im a woman who has her beauty in side and shows that by her pressance outwardly.

hope this helps some,

...noeleena...

[bas1985]

thanks noeleena,

I am too a bit "intersexed", if I can use this word, as my body is almost female, expect for the male genitals, so for me
being a "woman" is like being me, I never had "100% male flesh", so to speak.

It seems to me that the more I explore my femininity, letting her grow, interacting with people (I am almost full time now) the more
the question "Do I feel a woman?" looses a bit of its meaning... maybe they ask me only because it is a standard question, but I do
not see its relevance, apart from statistical purposes.

[I Am Paula]

As a child, I thought I was a girl>As a teen, I figured I was just gay. Conventional wisdom told me-I feel feminine, I must be gay. >Got married. House. Mortgage. Be normal. Cross dress. Try to pretend that's all it is. Deny everything that says this goes deeper.> Married...lots of times...maybe there's a common element here. Strong, undeniable feelings I'm in the wrong body.> Two years ago. Certain I'm transgender. Even being full time does not quell the desire for more. I now knew that I needed medical intervention.

At what point did I cross the line from denying that I was a woman, to admitting that I was a woman? That is a moment in time that can be pinpointed.

Feeling like a woman has been lifelong.

[lovetobedani]

Hmmmmmmmmmm an interesting question. When I was about 4 I knew that I was male but wondered if I would grow up to look like my Mother. Somewhere around the age of 10 I questioned why I wasn't born female. To this day if I could change my life I would opt for being born female.

[bas1985]

Yes, Paula, you said it well: it is not important when we started to feel, feel is lifelong.

It is important when we ended the battle to ourselves to deny this feeling, and this has a starting date, for me basically the
moment I picked the phone to call the gender clinic, in June 2013.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's a bit of an unfair question. I wonder when your therapist started to "Feel" she was a woman..
did she use that word?? if so, i'd say she is not quite understanding what we are going through....I know sometimes word choices can be lazy, but therapists should be careful..

I had "thoughts" in my head since as long as a I can remember...but I never concluded that it was because I was transsexual... I had a very hard time trying to actually "feel like" a woman because my brain had beaten that thought down my entire life...

It pretty recent that people realize that a lot of transsexuals didn't "know they were girls" right from 6 years old, and I hope your therapist is not one of those types that believes in that

[bas1985]

I googled a bit about my therapist and there is a live TV interview on YouTube when she talks about ts topics, nothing too complicated, just for the general public. She talks about the "gatekeeping" procedure and she says that more or less 30% of applicants (she mostly speaks about MtFs) are rejected, the other may be accepted but with some regulation, about depression or other disorders which they must cure (with drugs) unless HRT is suspended.
Others are simply rejected based on the diagnosis that those people are only fantasizing about being a woman, but they are not willing to "take the role" fully, maybe they would like to have hormones without living full time. I think that she is on the "old school", maybe regarding older TS at high risk of being "fetish oriented".
That being said I know that she is studying me, categorizing my answers in some specific cells in her "mental excel like sheet" which will give the answer: give her HRT, or reject him because he is not a she.

[diannega]

For me the first time I felt like a woman was the first time I shaved fully and painted my toes, I did my make up and got dressed that night and looking in the mirror was like, wow, its good to feel fem. That was actually then only the introduction and from there, it took some time becoming comfortable going out enfem the feeling as a women was more suppressed to the times i was able to spend enfem. From a certain point where I became very comfortable and relaxed enfem,

it definitely turned for me at some time without really being able yo have a date on it, but it did dawn on me some 3 years ago that I was now feeling more women when I was on vacation for 10 days and decided to return enfem home. I just was not ready to go back to drab and without much further I was at the airport the next morning enfem, something I would not have thought about doing enfem a year ago. I was amazed at how smooth it all went and a while later as I was having a conversation on the plane with the gg next to me, It dawned on me, how wonderfull it felt to be a woman and I just felt so natural and comfortable as me, no more hiding and stress. So somewhere during all my femdays I have started to feel as a women......

[bas1985]

thank you for your memory, each one of us has had some (or maybe one) a-ha moment in which, even if it didn't spell as "I am a woman", it was
a sort of "no turning back". I think that when transition is irreversible that is the moment, when it is clear that, eventually, apart from a sudden death,
we will die as women, even if finances and other problems may delay the transition we know that it will be done, period.