Loss of Friendship and Trust of Others

[Anne2345]

Over the course of my on-going transition, I have lost some of my closest, longest-standing, dearest, and best friends in life. Other friends have seriously breached my trust, and I do not believe they can earn it back. I now have less than a hand full of close friends whom I trust and love implicitly, and whom I believe reciprocate in kind.

It’s easy to say, though, that such friends who betray or abandon a person were never really true friends in the first place. But while there may be some small amount of truth in this, it does not lessen the hurt and the pain of losing those you have loved, trusted, and shared your life with.

It’s also easy to second guess one’s courses of action when things turn sour and go south. For instance, it’s really easy for me to say that I should not have come out to my friends in the first place. Or to at least not tell them until I am ready to go fulltime and live my life in a truly authentic fashion. After all, with the exception of my spouse, I don’t really owe anyone an explanation or anything, and my life is my life, and not really anyone else's business.

But then again, I remember back on all the intensity I felt, all of the chaos I experienced, all of the pain that assaulted me day in and day out, and how much I just wanted to die, and I know I did the right thing in so coming out. Or rather, perhaps it’s more accurate to say that I did the only thing I could do to help alleviate the dysphoria I was experiencing at the time.

In any event, what has happened has already happened, and I can’t undo any of it. The irony of it all, though, is that as I continue to do my thing, as I continue to do the only thing I can do to make myself right, as I move farther and farther down my transition path, the more and more I find myself removed further from “normal” folk and from my friends in general.

It’s not because I prefer to alienate and isolate myself from mainstream society, mind you. Nor is it because I have any desire to blow up most of my long standing and close friendships, either. In my heart, I am a social animal. I want to be around folk. I want to love and share my life with others, and I want them to do the same with me.

It’s kind of funny, though. The less I have come to trust and respect those who have hurt me in some fashion or another, the more and more I have come to trust and respect myself. The more and more, in fact, I have come to believe in myself.

The thing is, I do not think I am being unreasonable here, or that I am living in some crazy fantasy world. I do get that most folk do not aim specifically to intentionally hurt me, or to violate my trust in some wicked, nefarious, conspiratorial way.

Most who do so undoubtedly do so out of sheer ignorance, and do so without thinking through the possible consequences to our relationship or my life. I also understand now that most who do not understand trans-folk are simply incapable of understanding the relevant issues, and will never understand. Whether it is their fault, society’s fault, my fault, or no one’s fault at all, I suppose it is what it is.

Regardless, through this all, I am really beginning to lose much of the naivety that has encapsulated and surrounded my actions and thoughts the past couple of years. These experiences have all combined to serve as one big, gigantic wake-up call. And through this loss of naivety, I have learned many valuable lessons about others, myself, and about life in general.

Still, I recognize that I have made a lot of mistakes along the way. These mistakes, though, the more and more I think about it, were necessary mistakes to make. Or perhaps some things I think may have been mistakes were not really mistakes at all. Who knows, and who really cares at this point?

All that matters now is that I know I need to rely primarily on myself. I am responsible for me, and if folk have a problem with that, as much as it may hurt, they are just as welcome to walk away from our relationship, whatever that may be, as others have. This time, though, I’m not looking back . . . .

[Angela Campbell]

Well at least you had friends. I never much did. I had 2 before and now one is ok and the other is iffy. Other than family and work everyone who knows me now has only known me as a woman. I wasn't much of a friendly kind of guy I guess.

[LeaP]

Long time no hear, Anne. I see that things have gotten muuuuch better…

A preemptive strike attempt against the "I told you so's" won't help you, though. Take your beating dutifully in the interest of educating others to follow!

More seriously, your experience shows the difference between how people will react in a private situation versus what they will do once knowledge is public. People confront different aspects of their thinking under each of these circumstances. Privacy will more easily invoke empathy and understanding. Public circumstances will invoke alliances, politics and posturing, and the guarded reactions people have when interacting with one another. I think this is why it is wise to try to control the message at the point of first public release.

Unfortunately, you have found out the hard way that many will not stand with you when the going gets tough. Whatever their real thinking might be, the easiest thing of all to do is simply put distance between themselves and you. But I know that you have had a few pointed, outright rejections from a few "friends," also.

I like your resolution to be more your own person. I think it is correct in many ways. But don't be too quick to write people off. The turnaround may feel like fair play, but honestly, the burden is on us to educate them and people do change.

[Annaliese]

Well put. You are going to be alright. Hugs

[Jorja]

It has been my experience that yes, you might lose friends and even family in the beginning. I guess they think we have really lost it or something. It is your job to show them that you haven't lost anything and this transition has made you a much better person. This will take some time. Don't ever count them out of your life if they mean something to you because later on in life you might just win them back.

[Ineke Vashon]

Compared to some of your older posts, you sound confident and more comfortable with yourself. Congratulations on overcoming some difficult times. Perhaps you haven't lost friends - you may have outgrown them.

There will be new friends on the horizon.

Ineke

[DeeDee1974]

The weird thing for me was that a certain proclaimed liberal friend of mine has become a much smaller part of my life. She was one of the first people I told because I thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal to her.

My more naive/sheltered/somewhat conservative friend really has accepted me from day one. She really wanted to understand and asked me tons of questions. Pretty much everyday for the 3 plus years I have been transitioning I get a call or email from her to check in.

Also, don't hold out hope that you will make new, accepting friends. I know I have.

[vikki2020]

It's hard to hear this is happening,Anne, but my hope is that it gets better for you, and you find a different crowd,that can accept you for who you are. I can't see how a true friend would not be even somewhat supportive. My experience has been the opposite of this, and for that, I am pretty grateful. Stay true to yourself, and true friends will emerge.

[sandra-leigh]

There are some people who have drifted out of my life, but it is not clear that my gender was involved. Work friends, all of whom were badly treated by what was done to our workplace, so they were drifting away from most people at work.

In October 2012 I emailed to a friend whom I have never met (!). I had no good reason to tell him, but I was sick of hiding, so I put it down in words. And got no response. Which I interpreted as him having trouble dealing with it. No response as in he never wrote me again.

Until, that is, about 2 days ago, when out of the blue he sent me a reply. It turned out that right about then his wife got extra sick. And went through a long sick period. And died of cancer. Now he is dealing with the past, putting himself back together, and it was time to deal with my message. He said that he doesn't understand transgender, but he accepts that it happens. And at the end of the message he indicated that this time around, when he had time to really read through what I had sent then, he realized that his lack of reply could have been seen as being unsupportive, which he had not intended, and he apologized for that.

So, will people understand? Not necessarily. But distancing might have not much to do with you. Or it might have not much to do with "not being supportive" and might instead just be that at the time they don't have the resources to work it through.

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, you have found out that the one friend you must never lose is yourself. That friend is the hardest one to keep, essentially because you are with them 24/7. No one else takes up that much of your time, no one. And believe me, we can be real bitches with ourselves dealing with this. Some, well...me, have not been able to muster the courage to go beyond risking losing the wife, and having survived that are now constrained to not going farther. That said, I may never lose friends, if they really were, but I will never make new friends as my real self. Yes, this shit is confusing and hard but if you keep yourself on board, you will make new friends who accept and want to know you. This is your time of rebirth. No need to look back, just put on the shades before looking ahead.

Barbara

[Persephone]

Anne, you have found out that the one friend you must never lose is yourself.

Wow! What a great statement!

I understand how you feel, Anne. Probably like you, I regard friends as a mutual support network, so, yeah, it hurts when that bond fractures or completey breaks.

But really, there can be many complex reasons for it happening.

For example, a long term friend of mine came down on me like a ton of bricks once. Her comments really hurt. Then something dawned upon me. I don't think it was all about me, a lot of it was about her. On numerous occasions before I came out to her she told me about how she seldom enjoys the company of women; in female circles she's more of a loner. And here I was, leaving the world where she was used to dealing with me as a comfortable male friend and entering the population she has a difficult time relating to! Her hostility made sense!

We have since returned to a comfortable friendship as women, but, frankly, the dynamic has changed, it is not quite the same.

One of my other female friends put it another way as she has distanced herself, "I'm still mourning the death of David (my male self)." I think that says a lot.

Finally, Anne, if you were an easygoing social person before, you will continue to be one now. In the course of my journey I've made new friends, forged several new strong bonds. You will to.

I do not believe that you have to isolate yourself from "mainstream society," you just need to adopt to, and become comfortable in, your new role in that society.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Rogina B]

Anne..You can make lots of friends as the new you and some of them will become close friends.And over time,some of your old friends will realize they miss you and come back around..Friendships that develop now as the new you can be genuine and unquestioning. But,you know all of this...

[kimdl93]

There isn't much I can offer in advice. But, in the limited, one dimensional sense facilitated by on line communications, I'm your friend ;)

[I Am Paula]

I didn't lose many friends, but our relationships changed. I did find that now I make friends much more readily, and those I make that never knew my male self relate on a much different level. Maintain the friendships you can, and find some new ones. GG's are much easier to befriend than guys.

[anaissa]

What a wonderfully written post. Not only do I deeply feel your pain and disappointment, but I am lifted up by your courage and determination.

I just want to send you the warmest hug right now. Thank you for baring your soul.

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah one's social circle does change some during transition. You lose a couple old ones and gain some new ones.

You might notice some of the friends you lost are the same people who were on shaky ground in the first place.

[Kathryn Martin]

You know, when I came out there were four friends (and those only by necessity because of professional reasons), my children, my spouse, the Executive Director of my professional association and my medical service providers that knew about me. No one else. Everyone heard it on the same day except those very few. I think it helped, because controlling the message is our greatest challenge. I have said this so often. If people, even those we trust and count as friends are told without in fact seeing us for who we are, they will speculate, assume, presume and judge, and then we play with a short deck of cards because it is their message not ours that counts.

I know how hard it is not to tell. But this is where show is better than tell, where your message is always in danger of being drowned out by the message of others and where you leave the field wide open for others to fill the void.

Don't judge yet, for that it is much too early, but for gods sake get on with it.

My friends are still my friends. Of course they had to adjust their behaviors to reflect their new understanding and perception of me. Male friends had to search their memories to ferret out all of the inappropriate comments they made to a woman without knowing it and some of them hated me for that for some time. Think of friendships like a flock of birds shaping the sky in the late of the day. The form constantly changes some divert off the flock and return, some sit and rest somewhere, anywhere and eventually rejoin. The loss temporary or even permanently is not so big of a deal even if intimately close, because as your life evolves so will your friendships. I have had many of those in my life. Re-connecting later you find that the distance was maybe not so great, and if it is then it was likely for the better.

[Anne2345]

You are absolutely correct, Kathryn - I have lost control of the message. Even more, I have lost control over who is privy to the information about me, and there is little, if anything, I can do about that now. If it takes on a life of its own, I am at its mercy.

And this loss of control, this information becoming public, is the reason why certain friends have run off for the hills. Lea hit the nail on the head with her response.

But the thing is, if indeed I have lost control, and if it truly is out there about me, it doesn't bother me. Sure, it was my sincere hope to be able to control this in a manner that would minimize collateral damage, but this is life. And shit happens in life.

The fact of the matter is that the more folk who know, the greater the weight that has been removed from my shoulders.

Some of my friends (and even my wife) have told me that I should be mortified if it got out there about me, that I should be embarrassed, and that I should be ashamed. But what the hell kind of thing is that to say to me??! I mean, being told such things really hurt. I mean, just exactly why should I be embarrassed, mortified, or ashamed??! The clear answer is that I shouldn't be any of these things. Nor am I.

In fact, not only am I none of these things, but quite to the contrary, I am actually proud of myself, and all of the progress I have made. And really, the world is going to find out soon enough, so what's the big deal anyways? Obviously, things are more complicated than this, but for as I feel - to all those I see out there in the real world, I will not turn away, I will not drop my head in shame, and I will not run from the challenges presented.

[Kathryn Martin]

You know why people say "you should feel embarrassed and ashamed" etc. My dad is one of those in my life, he told my children I am "disgusting" even though he has not seen me since long before the transition. Like some of your friends he defines himself by the acknowledgement and adoration of others. So whatever I or anyone else does to potentially diminish how people view him is an attack on him.

What your friends and spouse are communicating to you is a simple message: "I am embarrassed and mortified and ashamed that how people view me might become tainted by people seeing me with you. And I am afraid!"

So the truth is they are cowards, the truth is that their love stretches as far as their skin and their foremost concern is how they might be perceived by others if they associate with you. Now take a moment though and ask yourself about your own struggles with this phenomenon. Do you remember how fear can make you do things that are so counterproductive and cowardly? Our stories are replete with this. And why not give others the same consideration that we give ourselves. That is why I said don't judge yet, it's much too early.

For what comes next there are two pieces of advice:

First, you must get on an accelerated transition schedule with a firm transition date.

Secondly, get yourself a wardrobe that both age appropriate and attractive.

The sooner you can show not just tell the better it is in this circumstance. The wave of sensationalism does not have to hit twice.

[Angela Campbell]

Wow Kathryn, that is something that is so true in so many cases. It explains why people take the position of "you are doing this to them".

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Anne, I recall the moment when my message went off the rails..

Unlike you, I didn't have the blowback of shame directed at me. But I did go through a three month period where I was still working and undisclosed at work, I was feminizing myself with HRT and electrolysis, and I was bent on telling every single person on earth that I was a woman and going to transition (usually i'd tell them by showing them my favorite picture all prettied up, with a hefty dose self pity and an indulgent whine about how I suffered for so long)...

it wasn't that people betrayed my confidence or attacked me, as time passed it all fell flat and the people I told were confused and as Kathryn says, a bit afraid.. I also realized they were quietly hoping i'd jump off the crazy train...I was asked "did you change your mind" many times..

this went on for too long, and people drifted away...but when I started presenting and they saw that I was ok, that I was TRULY proud..then they all turned around... not everybody stayed close...I changed...its ok... but it mattered a lot when they actually saw me and spent time with me and saw that reality of the whole thing..

until you transition you are a bit throttled in all this and given your situation, Kathryn's intuition is probably spot on.. why not next week? why not the summer?? etc...there are lots of reasons why not...but you must ask this of yourself, and put down what is stopping you..

there may be lots on that list, but its totally in your best interests to get a very specific and detailed handle on all those things, and deal with them one by one asap ...