realizations

[GabbiSophia]

I have been going to a gender therapist for a little over a year ..off and on.. it has been a month since my last visit but the things she challenged me with have had a profound impact. I really am trying to do things to midigate but nothing is fast enough nothing is ever enough. I have found that the rabbit hole is mighty deep. I have started to remember things from my life that point to gd. I have searched out every TG/cd movie or show and have always wished the miracle would happenor thought how nice I could if i could do that. Over and over i have started remembering thoughts. I used to see a cd or ts at the club though he stood out ..literally taller than a lot of others they still rocked it.. others made fun and I secretly wished I could do it.

As time has marched on i now realize why and where those thoughts came from. I am now over the past I used to be bothered by being different. I accepted it and moved on. i had a nice 2 year break from everything when this new knowledge of ts set my mind a fire. i was searching for an answer for my longing to cd and some behavior that was out of charater for me
Anyways back to the present.... everyone has mentioned hormones and how I shouldlook at them. Well to be honest Ii haven't stopped thinking about them for 10 years though they have been pressing now everyday. No matter how much I try to deny I want them or that I don't need them the more they are at the for front. All the other things to midigate don't seem to work I have commentedto grow my hair..not fast enough.. Ii cd..yeah ok that doesn't help at all!! April was right... ok let's look at hair removal... and my mind always tells me to stop kidding myself and just ask for hormones. Like Lea said I am getting beat up to the point now that the anxiety has started to affect my heart.. anyone have that? I wish this was a pink fog I wish it was a compulsion.

The fact of the matter is I want to be a woman and have researched everything about it for years. I watched every ts YouTube i have studied natural hormones.. hell i have spent thousands on clothes and purged allso...

I just don't want to change ...Some call it fear .. i just like the status quo ... Iis it possible to take a very very small dose of hormones to help with the gd and that be enough? Or will it just excel rate my longing to be a woman? I have to meet with the therapist and ask some hard questions. I would rather live than have this kill me and at times it squeezes my chest so hard that is what it feels like ... i am sad today at realizations. .. and this isn't drama.. If wanted that I would go join a club...

[Barbie Anne]

Dear Steph; I myself am wrestling with almost identical issues. I have no answers for you or myself but, I am here if you ever want somebody to talk to or just a friendly shoulder.
I'm blessed in the fact that my dear wife wants me to be happy and is very supportive, but I want her to feel happy and fullfilled as a woman as well. Do you have a local support network, other than your therapist? It helps.
Here's hoping we find our answers hon, and wishing you the very best :)

[Frances]

Yes, a small dose of hormones may be enough.

There is nothing wrong with the status quo. I tried to stay in it as long as I could. I held my breath so to speak. I thought I was too hairy and I thought I was too ugly presenting as a woman. I did not crossdress though during the 15 years leading to my transition, but thought about my gender constantly. When it became clear what I had to do, I started hair removal, which took about 5 years, at the cost of $20,000. Until HRT was approved, I went the natural route. (It may or may not have done anything. It did not show in my blood, but I looked softer.) The only big regret that I have is not having started earlier. I first talked to a doctor about not feeling like a man at 16!

My advice is to stop thinking about diagnoses (they're for doctors) and conditions. Think and talk about your identity, your perception of the world, how you communicated with it and how it communicates back. Your place in the universe as it were. In short, talk about your feelings, your guilt, whatever feeds your ambivalence. That's where the answer lies.

EDIT: I removed my picture in case of a thread lock.

[stefan37]

Step at a time. That is why I was advocating you make changes to see which ones were able to mitigate your GD to allow you to function. Make a change see how it goes. Need more make another change. Estrogen will most likely calm you and make your GD manageable. Your anxiety will most likely melt away. In my case was obliterated in 3 days. This is a train ride and nobody but you can decide at which stop you need to get off. But the runaway train will slow down and you can regain control .Good luck!! We are here for you.

[arbon]

I just don't want to change ...Some call it fear .. i just like the status quo ... Iis it possible to take a very very small dose of hormones to help with the gd and that be enough? Or will it just excel rate my longing to be a woman? I have to meet with the therapist and ask some hard questions. I would rather live than have this kill me and at times it squeezes my chest so hard that is what it feels like ...

This type of change is huge and it terrified me. I think that is pretty normal to be afraid because there is so much at stake.

Some people do take hormones without transitioning, and its just my opinion but if you are suffering you do what you need to do to see if it helps.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

"...anxiety has started to affect my heart.. anyone have that?"

Yes. And that drives me crazy. I have to rule out hormones so i approached this by ruling out drugs and alcohol, a big part of my anxiety. I tried finding an Asian religion that approached anxiety ("samsara") head on.

That stuff has helped. The groups helped me just talk to someone. The religion gave me meditation. Still, today, I on this site today because this gender issue is real.

I have to just rely on the fact that no matter how bad (or good) I feel, it will always change. Just look at lovely Frances helped make my day much better. She is gorgeous.

Be sweet my dear. Anxiety will kill you.

:hugs:

[GabbiSophia]

Frances you look amazing .. I sure you already know that though!! I do not live for my therapy sessions but the next one I think I really want for the first time. Stefan the train is crazy and the steps atm are just slow for making the GD calm down. Damn what a day or two makes. The emotional rollercoaster is tiring to say the least and today I don't have a lot of fight I guess. the drum pounds soooo much it is tough. Though Frances gives me hope that I will not look like a man in a dress I fear the things that go with the change ... GRRR All I want is dual and I can't even have that.. Arbon yes there is tons at stake ..

[DeeDee1974]

A lot of us have been in your shoes, myself included. I continued to do other things that I thought would make me happy and hoped in would make what I was feeling inside go away.

If a marry that beautiful, successful woman, and we live in a nice big house, with expensive cars and fancy vacations, I will be happy. But god was it miserable.

Since my ex wife was the bread winner, transitioning meant giving that all up. After the divorce and moving into my own 1 bedroom home and not having a car or a stable job should have been awful. I'll admit it was a bit scary, but it motivated me. That was over 3 years ago.

13 years out of college and I finally was putting my MBA to use with a new, not job but career. I bought a nice condo, met a really good guy. It not all perfect, I'm highlighting the good. But if you need to transition don't hold back because you think it might be hard. Living a lie is hard.

[stefan37]

Steph , this is a an ongoing process of self exploration and takes a tremendous commitment to time and resources. It will never go as fast or slow as you may wish. All we can do is take the necessary steps along the way to help us get along. Just keep in mind any progress no matter how small or insignificant is progress. You have already shown great progress acknowledging that it is consuming you and you will have to make some changes. It is an emotional roller coaster and you go at your pace. I have found 2 things about transition and by transition I mean making changes to what ever level you find comfort. You get off the train at the station you feel comfortable. Transition takes place in its own time and at its own pace. You can not rush it. Let if flow naturally, take the steps slowly. Develop a plan and then at the stage you feel comfortable stop. You may find you do facial hair removal and start hrt and that holds off your gd forever or for a few more years. There is no play book for this. But you do have at your disposal a ton of experience from others.

In my own experience I may have been able to live in the middle, but I felt that it would be very difficult for me and confusing to others. And at what point would I have to fully transition. At my age time is running out, so I bit the bullet and planned to transition. It is not easy and there are losses along the way. But the many positive experiences i have had combined with feeling normal for the first time in my life has confirmed for me I am doing the right thing for me.

My endo told me when I started hrt it would be 3 months before I felt normal. I mentioned to my therapist as if "I know what normal feels like". He replied, "you will know it when you experience it". It actually took about 6 months and i woke up one day and I felt normal. It is hard to explain but my therapist was right. i knew it when I experienced it.

[melissakozak]

Living in the middle is confusing to others but I no longer care...which is a relief. The cisgendered world is mostly unkind toward us and doesnt understand. Some of our own sisters can occasionally be less than supportive, too. Steph is in a real, heartfelt bind right now and it is obvious to me she has some important decisions to make. Anyone who considers transition without a thorough self explorative process is unwise. She is on the path of self examination, and she will find her way because she has the courage to examine her life and her needs thoroughly. Hugs to all,Melissa.

[Suzanne F]

I was at a transgender support group last week. The lady moderating the meeting transitioned when she was 17 over 20 years ago. She said something that made me realize I am right where I am supposed to be in the process. She said it was suppose to be yucky when finally facing transgender issue honestly. She said if we were really doing the work that it would naturally be unsettling. I am right there Steph trying to do the next right thing. I just keep praying for the courage to be honest!
Suzanne

[Jorja]

Steph, I have been following this thread with interest. It seems as though you are evolving right in front of us. I think it may help you to take your new found knowledge about yourself and go sit in a quiet place. Ask yourself the hard question. What do I really want/need for myself? At this point do not worry about spouses, children, parents or anyone else. Think about yourself and yourself alone. Search deep and come up with the honest truth. Then brake it down from there concerning consequences and repercussions. Develop a plan so that you can begin to live with your decisions whatever they maybe.

[gonegirl]

Steph - If you are transsexual then the rabbit hole is deeper that you can probably ever imagine. I’m truly sorry that you are experiencing this, but if you don’t move forward and take steps to discover and understand your true nature then you will never be at peace.

You asked: Is it possible to take a very very small dose of hormones to help with the gd and that be enough? I can only tell of my experience. I didn't know where or how far HT was going to lead me, but I was desperate to escape the decades of being emotionally crushed (from gender dysphoria). Even though I was terrified of change, of risking everything that mattered to me including my marriage and the life we had built together, I went ahead with treatment because I was out of options.

That terrifying step forward changed my life profoundly and forever. Hormones allowed me to feel normal for the first time in my life. That feeling began as a spark the moment I took the first pill (psychological/placebo), and I wanted it to continue. I remember actually craving more of that feeling of normality, and that feeling grew as my dosages were increased and the testosterone began to be eradicated from my body, being replaced by estrogen. After four months testosterone was undetectable in my blood and my Endocrinologist told me I had fully female body chemistry. He didn't really need to tell me that though, because I already felt it. For me, testosterone so utterly conflicted with my female gender that it was, without doubt, a poison. My Dr. used the term testosterone poisoning at my first HT consultation and I was silently surprised and skeptical, but when it was gone from my body (and replaced with estrogen) I fully understood what had been wrong within me. I just stopped resisting the truth at that point and began accepting my true nature as a female and everything that brings with it. There was no going back, no half measures, once I knew. None of this is has been easy for me and everyone whom I matter to, but is has been real and true.

Writing about this stuff, I'm reminded of that famous quote by Sir Winston Churchill. "If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

[LeaP]

Steph,

Asking about hormones for the purposes you are is likely to elicit some very different opinions. Some maintain that the only people who should take hormones are those who intend to transition. Some advocate a diagnostic or validation use for them. On the fringes, there are people who will advocate phytoestrogens and the like.

My opinion – and it is just that – is that you should only start hormones if you are prepared for the possibility that you might transition. The reason for that is that permanent physical changes can come from even small dosages.

If you are TS, HRT will almost certainly relieve your anxiety even on low dosages. But you have to be prepared for the possibility that they may not. Oh, you will get some emotional and psychological relief, but you may find to your dismay that your actual dysphoria – not the emotional drama you are currently experiencing – gets worse.

[PaulaQ]

@Steph

I've heard of cases where someone on relatively low dosages of HRT + some Viagra can live a pretty normal looking life, sometimes mitigating GD sufficiently such that they don't need to openly cross dress, for example. My opinion is that this is not a probable outcome - but it really can happen.

I know in my own case, the dosage of estrogen I needed to keep me from having just terrible panic attacks is sufficiently high that my own physical changes are happening fairly rapidly. So it wouldn't have helped me, unfortunately. You could be luckier though.

That you are afraid of changing your life shows you are sane. It's terrifying to contemplate. Almost *nothing* of my life is the same as it was this time last year. I've gone through more changes in the last 7 months than I have in over 20 years all put together. It is a lot for a person to go through.

I wish you the best of luck, and I can only encourage you to take this as far as it needs to go, no matter how terrifying it seems. I don't discourage you though, from trying to find the minimal value for "as far as it needs to go."

[Angela Campbell]

I remember coming into this very forum about a year ago asking if it was possible to take low dose hormones and maybe partially transition. The answers weren't very reassuring.

At the time I was living in pure terror. I knew what I wanted, I had been wanting it all my life, but I could not face the possible complications and risks. I loudly exclaimed I could live without transition, I could do it. I simply could never give up my entire life which I had spent 50 years building. I was sure....at least I said I was.

I had to separate what I really wanted, what I really needed, from what I was afraid of.

The bottom line is I was not going to be able to go on as I was. Turns out, what we fear is not at all what reality is going to be like. Nothing has gone the way I thought it would. None of the things that terrified me were real. None of them. It is up to you to face this monster but there are plenty of us who have been there, and most of us are still ok. The world didn't end. It is just different.

[Suzanne F]

Jorja
I love reading your responses. I know deep down that if I allowed myself to just consider me I would transition. However I just can't face hurting my wife and son. She has drawn the line at HRT. She has tried so hard to support me but she does not want me to take hormones. I am trying to honor that request. I know that It may turn out that I have no choice. I just can't bear to think I may have to hurt them to save myself.
Suzanne

[Angela Campbell]

Suzanne......are they willing to hurt you to just keep the status quo? Who is right if everybody;s wrong?

[Suzanne F]

Angela
My wife is trying to avoid hurting me. She has been more supportive than 99.9 percent of wives with similar husbands. I understand and appreciate what you are saying. I just want everyone to know how much she has tried to accommodate me.
Suzanne

[PaulaQ]

Jorja
She has drawn the line at HRT. She has tried so hard to support me but she does not want me to take hormones. I just can't bear to think I may have to hurt them to save myself.

Honey, this is exactly how I felt. Your wife is asking you to avoid taking medication for a very dangerous condition you suffer from because she doesn't like the side effects. That's a harsh way of saying it - but it's the truth.

If you transition, you are going to hurt your wife. That is the cruel truth. You have to save yourself though - because your wife will eventually get over it - and you won't.

Your son will be fine. Seriously, that's the least of your worries. The divorce will be harder on him than your transition, and hon, people get divorced for lots of stupider reasons than this.

I really do feel for you and Steph both. I wrestled with *exactly* the same questions and concerns last year, as I went through this. In my case, I reached the point of "transition or die." Don't do that. It's waaaay to easy to choose "or die." And THAT WILL hurt your son far more than any other course of action you can take.

You both got dealt one of the worst cards that life can deal into your hands. All of us here did. It pretty much insures, thanks to the rules of society, that people are going to get hurt no matter WHAT play you make next. Given that people are going to get hurt no matter what, you really have to make the play that saves yourself.

[GabbiSophia]

Jorja i have been sitting in it for a month now. That is why my world is changing. The fact of the matter is i have no clue other than I have always wanted to be a woman. I just didn't realize it or admit till now. With that said I am not sure what I am going to do I am asking myself the hard questions and will talk with my therapist. My wife says she would rather see me a woman than die ..physically or mentally.. i am confused about life at this second but I am have an open heart and ear. I still wish there was another way. I am a woman but now what is the question..

[arbon]

are you more comfortable living as a man or a woman, or somewhere in-between?
Thats the part you'll need to figure out.

[GabbiSophia]

Arbor I could live either way. The damn anxiety wants me to be a woman, which is what I have wanted forbyears. I have been doing the man thing and I rather like it too. I guess that is a hard question but I have said all along dual would be best as long as the gd is manageable. If the anxiety stays were it is then I will make changes

[gonegirl]

Steph,

Something you just wrote throws up a huge red flag for me with regard to the question of you being transexual or not.

"I have been doing the man thing and I rather like it too."

I would be very surprised if any gender therapist would give you a letter for HT treatment if you told them that. Don't get me wrong, I'm saying that's a good thing! You don't want to be a transexual (trust me on that one).

Exploring where you feel most comfortable on the so-called gender spectrum and expressing yourself outwardly (without taking mind and body altering drugs) could go a long way in you understanding yourself and reducing your anxiety.

[Frances]

I guess it depends on what the "man thing" is. It's kind of vague.

[stefan37]

That isn't exactly true Simone. The WPATH provides guidelines for gender non-conforming individuals to receive HRT to help mitigate their GD. There are many that are on HRT that still live, work and play as male. It is just not the norm. But then this condition is not the norm in many ways.

I asked my therapist if I could take hrt and still live as a male. He said try it and see if you are comfortable. I wasn't comfortable at all and I am where I am today. There is nothing that says Steph would not be comfortable taking hormones and living as a male.

[Angela Campbell]

I know a few who do that.

[gonegirl]

Well, there you go. What do I know, LOL

[Rachel Smith]

Honey, this is exactly how I felt. Your wife is asking you to avoid taking medication for a very dangerous condition you suffer from because she doesn't like the side effects. That's a harsh way of saying it - but it's the truth.

If you transition, you are going to hurt your wife. That is the cruel truth. You have to save yourself though - because your wife will eventually get over it - and you won't.

Your son will be fine. Seriously, that's the least of your worries. The divorce will be harder on him than your transition, and hon, people get divorced for lots of stupider reasons than this.

I really do feel for you and Steph both. I wrestled with *exactly* the same questions and concerns last year, as I went through this. In my case, I reached the point of "transition or die." Don't do that. It's waaaay to easy to choose "or die." And THAT WILL hurt your son far more than any other course of action you can take.

You both got dealt one of the worst cards that life can deal into your hands. All of us here did. It pretty much insures, thanks to the rules of society, that people are going to get hurt no matter WHAT play you make next. Given that people are going to get hurt no matter what, you really have to make the play that saves yourself.

Paula said it wonderfully and I will tell you from my own experience that the "or die" part is the worst thing that can happen. My daughter is still not completely over it and that was Christmas of 2011. She said she just doesn't understand how I could have let it get that bad because I taught her to take the correct action when action is needed.

[Suzanne F]

If I loved doing the man thing this would not be so tough for me. I don't love it and I feel such a sense if loss every time I revert back to male mode from Suzanne. Now I try to suppress it and carry on as my male self. The conflict is always there. Dressing does seem to mitigate the conflict but it is never enough. Anyway that is where I am. Thanks everyone for listening!
Suzanne

[Michelle789]

I am getting beat up to the point now that the anxiety has started to affect my heart.. anyone have that? I wish this was a pink fog I wish it was a compulsion.

I haven't had any heart issues, but it does take a toll on my physical health. In recent years, I get more colds. When I get colds, they seem to last longer. I feel lots of body and stomach aches. This is in spite of drastically improving my eating habits and doing regular exercise and losing 50 pounds. I even had a physical done recently and everything, including my blood sugar, came out normal. Where are all the physical problems coming from then? Anxiety can definitely manifest itself in physical ways.


he said it was suppose to be yucky when finally facing transgender issue honestly. She said if we were really doing the work that it would naturally be unsettling.

I'm feeling very unsettled and yucky lately. I'm planning to see a gender specialist next week. I've begun going to TG support groups too.


If I loved doing the man thing this would not be so tough for me. I don't love it and I feel such a sense if loss every time I revert back to male mode

Me too. I never loved being a man. I just went with it for years. In the last two years I have literally hated being a man. Although I don't hate being a man as badly as I did last year, I don't at all love being a man.

[KellyJameson]

It is easy to become confused by words. Do you identify as a woman? This is different than saying you want to "become" a woman.

If you identify as a woman than you want your body to reflect that.

What is the physical relationship you have with your body ? Do you feel any dissonance about your body ?

This is a personal private experience separate from the social experience we have with our bodies in regards to others.

Think of GD as being experienced in two forms.

One is private as that relationship you have with your body and the other is social through this body and can include anything from sex to a gender specific name you want to be addressed by.

In my opinion if you are comfortable in your body "privately" than you do not have GD.

Identity insists on being lived and expressed even when you are alone as the body you live with that represents you.

This is similar to body dysmorphic disorder but the compulsive nature of the disorder is driven by the existential need to live as you know yourself to be.

To be "confirmed" because you have learned through your subconscious experiencing of yourself and others "what you are"

It is the feeling of knowing that you are not " one of them" (men) but " one of those" (women)

This "KNOWING" transcends words and is "FELT" subconsciously

If you do not "KNOW" this experience I would not recommend you to consider taking hormones.

[GabbiSophia]

Yall bring up great questions. Some I can not answer atm and some I am unsure of. I do not how to answer the do I identify question. More whole life I haven't identified as a male. I have the body of one yes but I have always been out of place in the group but the same is said about the woman's group also. Hell I went to therapy as a child 2 different times because I didn't fit in. I know that when I CD I am at peace for awhile anyways though it brings up other things like will I fit in, do I look like a guy in a dress, and other such things. I have spent years reading about natural hormones and wishing I could change parts of me or grow other parts. I was always to scared to do them or to waste my money as per to say. I am routed so deeply in the male world that I am not sure of anything.

All this is confusing.. some say if you don't hate being man an you are not ts ..some say that doesn't matter... I have no clue.. I do know that my anxiety is real it is a buzzing in my chest all day long and takes over my mind. In my private moments I am a woman but when I go into the world I am a male. I do not hate it but I do it well even though it may feel like I am just kinda there and not actually living it more like I am playing a part. I get no over joy out of the male world except when with my wife other wise I am just doing it. This is just the on going head ache that is my life. I feel like I am destined to just be in never never land and be all screwed up.

[stefan37]

Go take a vacation and relax. No gender, no worries just enjoy and be yourself. As you are relaxing think about your life and what you envision it to be devoid of all external influences. Ask yourself where would you like t be in 5 years? take your time, self exploration can take a long time. You will get the answers you need from deep down .

[I Am Paula]

I wrestled with it for years. One side of my brain saying I needed to transition STAT. The other side said, just cross dress, become that little bit more feminine, and everything will be alright.
I can't tell you if you are TS, and if you should begin transition, or if a little HRT will do the trick, but please!!! find out. I spent so long dithering that I wasted many good years.
Finally, last year the dam burst and I knew I had to start. My life is now many times better than I ever thought possible.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Steph you are going to have to start taking care of yourself... a while back when you started these posts we could all see you were struggling..

in the last month or so you've gone further down the rabbit hole as far as a I can see. If your posts reflect your state of mind, whether you realize it or not, your ability to function in your current life is drifting away from you.. and if you are like many of us, you are likely not seeing that... and when I say drifting away I mean that there is a distance growing between what you think are to the people around you and what you really are.....this is the ts curse...

you think you are doing the "right" thing your whole life, and you try harder than anyone else, but it just doesn't work...and at some point (a different point for each of us), it just doesn't work anymore... that's the moment of truth..

I learned in therapy that the "big decision" is not a moment in time...its a timeline of moments... deciding to start HRT, doing electrolysis, telling a friend, getting out there are all non permanent decisions...heck even deciding to transition is not a permanent decision!!!! don't make that common mistake that if you "decide" something today it locks you into anything..

get your butt into even more therapy, and talk to your therapist about actual tangible first steps to transition...stop talking about feelings...talk about actions..(the feelings wont go away..just try to not talk about them)
what would those actions actually be in real life...drop the confusion talk..its not confusing anymore...Extreme gender anxiety is destroying your quality of life...nothing confusing about that!!!

Drop what you think you want.. It but it doesn't matter what you want if you can't control the anxiety... use your self talk time to actually plan out things to actually do to transition...

and then see how you feel about that... see whether your anxiety decreases, see how people around react.. its not all or nothing until you get to the end of it...

As always its up to you...but there is an approaching bottom line whether you like it or not, .. this crap happens fast in my experience

.. what you don't notice is that the rest of your life is undoubtedly suffering...you can't keep your shit together and have extreme GD all the time... and if turns out you are blessed and this all some kind of cd fantasy, then the only way to find out is to cut out the "fantasy" part....no cd really wants to live the fantasy when they actually try...

Its getting to be time that you need to step up not just for yourself but FOR your family. I would not be surprised if your family was not already suffering because how can they possibly know what's wrong and for sure they notice that things are very wrong.

[Jorja]

Steph, I can’t answer your questions. You see, what is or was right for me may not be right for you. What makes this so difficult is the answers are not black and white. They are not written in a book or report somewhere. This is where you have to work it out for yourself with your therapists’ help. You are doing the right things by asking the hard questions and digging deep to find your answers. In this world of instant gratification, these answers are going to take some time to come about. Some longer than others. Most people never have a need to make such huge life changing decisions so do not expect answers overnight. Keep working at it the answers will come.

[arbon]

Arbor I could live either way. The damn anxiety wants me to be a woman, which is what I have wanted forbyears. I have been doing the man thing and I rather like it too.

If its alright to ask, what do you do as "her"? Do you just dress at home privately once in a while or do you go out into the world? Can you do more things as "her" to see how it feels, to see if it lessons the anxiety?

[GabbiSophia]

Arbor I don't mind at all talking about my female half.. i don't get to do much ..especially fully. Maybe once every two weeks around my house in private. Or to therapy. I do cd a little but that doesn't do much.

[Frances]

The half thing is where most people go wrong in my opinion. The point of transition is being a whole person. I have seen so many people over the years show up at meetings as one person dressed, then as another not dressed. It's not about picking a side, it's about not being fragmented. Transition is a cure to unhappiness and anxietey related to gender and physical sex.

Kaitlyn says to try things and stop talking about feelings. I agree with the trying and verification. A lot of people talk about things down the road and their fear related to them, but never get on that road. What I meant by talking about your feelings was looking into your ambivalence and what is stopping you... for real. A big constant on this site is not taking responsability for one's feelings. "My wife will not let me" and "because of the kids" come up all the time. Those are cop outs. If it has to be done, it has to be done.

[Suzanne F]

I don't think trying to keep your spouse and son under the same roof is copping out. In my case I dress and go out on a regular basis which has not been easy for my wife but she has been supportive. Many friends and some family know that I am transgendered now and have been with me as Suzanne. I think it has been better for my wife that it has been a gradual progression over the last year. Maybe she will be better with further steps later or I will find a stopping point short of transition. As of now I am glad to be trying to find a balance with her support. I understand that it might not work in the end but I owe it to her to try it seems to me.
Suzanne

[Frances]

What I mean is self-sacrifce is often not the real reason for not transitioning. Would you forego chemotherapy or some other treatment because it may inconvenience others? Kids get over it, and the spouse married someone under false pretenses. Guilt is often the real barrier. It's painful to be honest with yourself and others, and avoiding that pain is about self-preservation, not protecting others. I may be wrong though.

[arbon]

Arbor I don't mind at all talking about my female half.. i don't get to do much ..especially fully. Maybe once every two weeks around my house in private. Or to therapy. I do cd a little but that doesn't do much.

When I was able interact more with others, out in the big world, presenting as a woman I found a lot more clarity about what I wanted / needed to do. For me it felt right, it was the way I wanted to be perceived, what I wanted to be. For a couple people I know they found they only wanted to be part time, on the weekends or whatever, but they found a balance for themselves but realized they did not want to transition full time.

[LeaP]

I agree completely, Frances. Compromise is the correct term and correct solution when you can live with the result. Self-sacrifice is NOT the same as compromise! To term an acceptable compromise solution "self-sacrifice" is to make a mockery of the real alternative faced by those who must transition.

Conversely, if a person is not making a truly acceptable compromise (to one's self, that is), they are not being sacrificial so much as they are being disingenuous. There is nothing noble in that. In fact, what Frances is talking about regarding making excuses is this exactly this false claim of nobility.

Stop talking about sacrifice. Issues are bad enough that you must transition or they are not. If they are not, you aren't sacrificing in foregoing transition because it was never a real option to begin with. You're simply doing the right thing - even if you don't like it. And if they ARE, you will transition - or else.

[Jorja]

It does seem that there is no resolution directly from the ideas and experiences we are sharing in this thread. Do you know why that is? Because no two experiences have the same conditions and situations. As I stated in one of my post, what worked for me may not work for you. The key word here is YOU. You are the only person that can make the correct decision for you. Only you can search your inner being and only you can find the answer that fits your life.

Most of us do not expect a reply to our post (at least I don’t). Most of the conversation is geared to get the OP to think about what is said and apply it to their own situation to see if it might work. If not, throw it out and move on to the next idea. The OP is trying to figure out who they are. Of course they rebuke advice, sometimes the truth hurts when you realize it. Most of the time you do not want to believe it. Most of the time it does take a rocket scientist to figure all this out.

[Angela Campbell]

i don't get to do much ..especially fully. Maybe once every two weeks around my house in private. Or to therapy. I do cd a little but that doesn't do much.

Perhaps visiting one of the many support groups in Florida would help some. Safe, private, changing rooms available, understanding people.....what could it hurt. I could help you find one. PM me if interested.

[Rachel Smith]

Suzanne here is how all this came about for me, in short form. Got diagnosed with ADD at about age 50. Lightning bolts in my head all day everyday. No concentration, always distracted. Started dressing more, felt better, starting feminizing, felt better, dressed even more, felt even better. Started to think about transition felt better still, started living full-time as Rachel except work, felt better. Stopped it all hoping to save a failing marriage. Did the or die thing, 1 week in ICU, 2 weeks in the physc ward. Got out, went back to therapy, new therapist made the same conclusion as the previous one when she said you are transgendered now what are you going to do about it. Left wife, actually was told by wife to get the f**k out. Previously she was supporting, even buying clothes for Rachel. Started steps to transition, new therapist, same conclusion. Started HRT and transition, felt better again. ADD completely gone I'm still amazed to this day how draining the fighting it was. I was exhausted by the end of everyday but no more. I am at peace with myself and feel better then did in the 57 years prior. I am alive now. Before I could be hanging out with 1, 2 or 30 men but inside I didn't feel like I belonged there, I didn't have that feeling when I was with women, I felt like I belonged there. Now I am comfortable no matter who's company I am in.

[Suzanne F]

Thanks everyone for their opinion. I just wanted someone to know what I am going through. Thanks Steph for starting the thread. I hope you aren't angry that I jumped in for help also. I am sure I am in the right place !
Suzanne

[Christina Kay]

Thank you Steph for a great thread. Just sat on the sidelines reading all the posts, and going yup that's me , oh yeah don't I know that feeling also . Thanks to all , for such great in put. Those of us who are struggling greatly appreciate the advice, though you think we are not listening . We are .The repentiveness of your answers is just our denial of acceptance. I have now taken steps I need to. Your repentiveness has paid off with me . Thank you :)